May 31st, 2012 Update – Blah


I am feeling very much so in a very “stuck” place in my life right now… kind of like the “4 of cups” tarot card.  That, is how I feel.  I for one am NOT losing any weight, despite how often I exercise and how healthy I eat.  I attribute it to my thyroid, which I believe I am under medicated for.  June 4th I drive to Indianapolis to file to get medical care at the walk-in clinic because it’s one of the only clinics in Indiana that is 90% income-based.  From there, I will likely have to wait 2-3 weeks to even get in with a doctor.  Yes, an hour and a half each direction ($50 in gas for my beast) to do paperwork alone; then, another drive to see the doctor.

Needless to say, the process is very frustrating.  Erin and I are both struggling financially right now, and I have so much potential, and I am apparently not living it up.  I know that Erin and I are not meant to be together, and I know for a fact that I am still in love with Ashley.  Erin and I are together right now only to help each other out financially, and unfortunately Erin owes me $7,000 and going up per month.  I am basically paying all of our bills, and we are almost flat broke.

I do not want to work for anyone.  I hate working for people, and it is completely stifling.  I cannot ever seem to find a job that I enjoy when it involves working for or under someone.  I am wanting to work for myself and be fully independent.  It is easier said than done, but everyone around me seems to own their own business… meaning, everyone in my family – they are all self-sufficient, and half of them didn’t even graduate college!  Granted, my father and my sister have Master’s Degree’s, but no one else, and they are making over 100K a year.

My biological father makes 6 figures a year.  All of them do it (the work) on their own, and of course, they have hired people.  But they are CEO’s.  I am not sure what’s going on with my life as to why I cannot seem to make ends meet for myself right now, but it’s the student loans that are killing me… I owe $714 a month in student loans… I can barely even afford to make rent + utilities, let alone student loans or anything else.

I am having a bad day today.  I have “stuff,” literally everywhere… and “stuff” has NOT made us money.  We have good stuff, too, but apparently this is not what we’re “meant” to do.  I am trying to narrow my focus down to only what’s important, and I feel like I am doing this all the time.  I am getting down the basics… and I prefer it that way, yet I am not happy about where I currently am in life.

It would seem the only option for Erin and I to be financially secure is to go to South Korea for 1 year in January and teach English… where she can pay me back then, and I can at least put a little money aside.  There isn’t anything in the United States here for me right now… I need to get this debt down.  I am also depressed I think about this whole Ashley thing… I am really sad (and angry) – I suppose it’s grief, that she is not in my life.

I am angry that she just walked out of my life when I, and really, each other had been there for each other for years.  I was going to buy her a plane ticket once to a personal growth psychology conference in Colorado… I had the money then, and I knew she would love that.  She said I was “nuts.”  I am very generous when it comes to time and resources in terms of people I truly love.  Of course now I would not be in a position to do that, however, I was then.  What’s changed?  Student loan money ran out… and I have paid Erin’s bills.

When Erin works, she cheats.  It’s a double-edged whammy for me.  I cannot trust her anywhere… this “relationship,” as I have said many times before, is virtually non-existent.  But I am here, for now, because I can’t make it on my own, either, to survive.  …until, as I said, we go to Korea, where the money is guaranteed and housing paid, so I can afford to cut down on some of the debt.  1 year in Korea and then I shall be good to go for a while.

Student loan companies and student loans in general are a complete joke.  They rip people off.  They do not work with you at all, not “private” companies at least, ie: Sallie Mae’s private loans.  Unfortunately I have a bunch of them because my parent’s made “too much money” for me to qualify for federal aid, at the time I applied for college, the first couple years.  Very aggravating… ill despite the fact that I never saw a penny from my family, student loan companies took this into account.

So I said, “I don’t care, I am going to go to school,” and I took out the private loans.  Now debt hangs over my head, and we, people, dream of ways to pay it off.  I am highly capable so I am not sure what’s going on here… why I am struggling?  I am not inspired, and I am honestly wanting Ashley to come back into my life as a friend.  I want to do fun things together… to talk… about everything.  I am sick of the lame people here in Lafayette (literally) – they are all ignorant.  Nobody shares the same interests as us here… ie, organic, health food, exercise, progressive politics, etc.  Just “progressive!”  It’s… all in Bloomington, and even then, I’m not sure if it would be like in Vermont, or more “progressive” states.

I just feel… “blah” right now.  My family does not talk to me… my brother, sister, mother, Amy, cousins, etc.  It’s as though, literally, ever since I went to VT, everyone has cut me off… okay, so I have different beliefs… your point?  They have ex-communicated me.  I am not exaggerating.  I am ignored and flat-out not invited to family get togethers and gatherings.  Do you know how sad this is?

Anyway, I want to go because I want to try and work out my never-changing stomach… at another shot to correct something that can’t be corrected with out the proper medication, which, at this point, is just a “waiting” period, ie:  June/July doctor.

Eh.

Constant reminders


 

Dash Berlin-  Till the sky falls down

It’s been so long since I have touched you
I can’t remember how it feels
To have your loving arms around me
This is the pain I’ve never healed

All my life I have been searching
For someone honest just like you
You left me here without a reason
Every tear belongs to you

I’ll be waiting
’till the sky falls down
’till you’re coming around, baby

I’ll be waiting
’till the sky falls down
let the rain clouds come

I’ll be waiting
’till the sky falls down
’till you’re coming around

All I need is one good answer
To understand why you are gone
Everything reminds me of you
Without you I can’t go on

‘ll be waiting
’till the sky falls down
’till you’re coming around, baby

I’ll be waiting
’till the sky falls down
let the rain clouds come

You would think that I am not living my life as much as I post about her, but I actually am because I work for myself… so I am with myself all hours of the day and am able to take breaks at my own leisure.

Confirmed – She is gone


Confirmed – she moved.  I am really upset and pissed off about it.  I don’t understand it… but I think it’s a complete coincidence that she (technically her mother) has lived here for literally 10+ years and suddenly when we move in, she moves out.  I saw Ashley, and the next thing I know is her and her mother moved out.  Whatever.

I am feeling a sadness in my chest right now knowing this.  I don’t understand why her “Welcome” mat is still here and her dead, dried plants.  It just makes me mad.  I feel like everyone cuts me off.  Am I some bad omen or what?  I am not trying to be negative, but I’m sick of feeling this way.  “Someday I will make enough money to give back to the community – they won’t look at me then,” I think to myself.  For now, now “I’m just a “nobody.”

I mean, really, everyone and their brother have cut me off, and I don’t understand why, but I am not some freak nor psycho so I don’t understand it… 90% of the people don’t even give an explanation.  In the last month, I have been cut off by Crystal (Ashley’s ex, who I hooked Ashley up with) who I have stayed in contact with since 2003, Amanda (who was my ex girlfriend and also my first girlfriend and best friend) who I’ve known since 1996, Jessy (My best friend senior year of high school and the first 2 years of college), Jen (My ex, out of nowhere as well, when I even offered to help her when she was homeless), etc… the list literally goes on and on.

I just feel like I moved here 2 years too late.  I sit here and think “I shouldn’t have spent that year- year and a half in Philly; I should have spent it here.”  All I want is to be friends with Ashley again… we have been friends, but then she cut me off out of nowhere, writing me an email saying she can’t be friends with me if I still have feelings for her because it may jeopardize the “next relationship” she is in.  O.K. Ashley.  I’m sorry, but that doesn’t make any sense, because she still had feelings for me!

Ashley would call me up telling me she met a guy “just” like me… and would go on and on, obsessively… She would also call me up periodically to check-in with me to be sure I was doing okay… yes, while she was with people.  She (and I) have always cared about one another, and that has not changed… I don’t understand the big mood change.  Her ex girlfriend thinks it’s for approval… ie, to gain the approval of her mother.  That wouldn’t surprise me.  Her mother is sick like mine, and even though Ashley is an adult, she is still actively trying to gain the approval of her mother.  She lost it with her father years ago… her father was a coward.

Anyway, I just don’t know what to think anymore… and I know I will get over this, and that life will go on, but I feel like now any chance that I may have had at all to be friends with her again, or to make amends, etc. has been shattered and blown.  “I know the feeling of finding yourself stuck out on the edge.”  -Nickelback.  Her mom (like Amanda’s “mom”) kept us apart years ago… we needed each other, and she kept us apart.  It never fails in my life that I lose people I love.

This explains it…

 

I don’t know who to be mad at… myself or her.  “Maybe I should just ‘forget’ about her,” I say to myself.  Yeah, I don’t think it works like that… Heck, “I could buy the girl a car,” I think to myself, and it wouldn’t make a damn bit of a difference.  I honestly don’t know what crawled up her ass, and I’m not in any way trying to be insulting, but how can you take a friendship that lasted for years and do this… just leave someone hanging.  Again, listen to the Nickelback “Lullaby” song.

By the way, I blasted that “Lullaby” song when it was fairly new and first came out when I first realized Ashley still lived here.  I played it nice and loud hoping that she would hear (Nickelback is her favorite band).  I feel like we’re missing out on so many experiences…  I will be living my life and then suddenly she will pop into my mind… And I will remember for a second what it felt like to be alive with someone… I have felt alive plenty of times, on my own, with my Higher Power, but with Ashley, it was with someone… someone who understood me.

Thrifting and good times – great memories!


I have been doing a lot of thrifting…


And while I was thrifting I saw a doll that reminded me of Ashley:

This doll entirely captures the expression of Ashley.

Rumor has it that she’s living in “Chicago” now although I don’t know whether or not that is true.  Anyway, I’m hitting celeb status for some reason.


February 22nd, 2011. There is hope.


Well, I haven’t quite made it off my bed yet and away from my computer.  I was in the midst of tying things up when Ashley responded to my text surprisingly, and I must say that I am left with tears in my eyes… I am literally crying right now… I am not sure exactly what I feel –grief sadness?  Relief?  I am upset and just want (need) a hug… I majorly need a hug and a vacation with someone who loves me and cares about me.  I started to honestly think that it was a long-lost dream with Ashley… her support… our friendship…

She said to me, “Emily your core issue that you can do it alone..but don’t believe that you can.” I couldn’t agree with her more, and I responded to her, “I am stuck right now in the grief… the emotions, and need a helping-hand –someone beautiful like yourself–  extroverted, friendly, warm… Who knows me and knows my capabilities, which you do, and which is why I need you… Your help.” I said, “I just want to listen to you, Ashley.. to open my heart to you.  I have been so very lonely and need a friend.”

I’m re-reading my text, and I feel pathetic.  I am glad that I’ve open myself up to her (it’s like opening a can of worms) yet I am embarrassed to a degree because I want to be somewhere I’m not, ie: further along, and I am very strong, yet I am not demonstrating that strength for whatever reason.  I see reminders of her everywhere I go… the movie “Chronicles of Narnia” reminds me of her… especially in the first one where Lucy meets the elf-looking animal.  He becomes Lucy’s best friend… that’s all I want, really, a best friend… friendships are far, few, and in-between… rare, and I realize that now, which is why I have held on for so long…

I always trip –stumble over my words when it comes to Ashley… even talking to her in the mall the other day… I always wonder, “Did I say too much; did I not say enough?” I just want something to evolve again, but in a completely different way… I want to build a friendship, slowly.  I cannot help but feel pathetic now like I should be stronger than this… than what I am.  I have always been strong.  I do not like appearing weak.  I hate.  I despise it.  I feel unattractive and ugly.  I feel scared.  My greatest fear is probably being hurt emotionally, which is what keeps me stuck.  It’s my Achilles’s heel.  I fall.

I wish that it would rain right now… I understand I am engaging in fantasy again, but I cannot help but think about this make-believe “best” friend, ie: Ashley, Wanda, Michael, etc. –someone with a good head on their shoulders and us playing in the rain… even, yes, adults can do this ;)  But honestly… just walking, talking, laughing… going to movies… sharing… I feel like I am in some glass bubble or something and it’s separating me from living… is that fear?  …lack of support?  Connections?

Enough with the analyzing, Ashley has reached out to me, and for that I am grateful.  She stated, “Well I work 5 am til 4pm everyday.. my time is limited and I go to bed early.  I will try giving u a call when I have time.” Hearing this makes me happy and proud (for her) –she is such a strong person.  Yet I hear it, and I think, “Oh, God, please don’t call me… I do not want to make a fool –idiot, of myself.”  Honestly, that is what I think… and I am afraid to talk to her!  I am afraid because of the above!  I do not want to make an ass out of myself and say the wrong thing and/or not say enough.  It is extremely difficult I am realizing for me to be with my feelings, and it takes time… they come and they go; they are not as readily accessible as they used to be, likely because of all the trauma I have endured…

At any rate, I can’t just pour my heart out to her like I want to if I’m not fully “there,” and yet in those moments that I am “there,” there is only awkwardness should I decide to “release” (so-to-speak) my tongue… ie, like I did with Wanda with my philosophically-oriented nature.  God forbid that I do that and come off awkward and (my worst fear) be abandoned, such was the case with Wanda.  God forbid, honestly… I mean, aren’t “friendships” supposed to be non-judgmental?  Aren’t we supposed to be allowed to make stupid remarks, do stupid things, etc. and not fear being left or cut off?  Honestly, rejection is one of my worst fears… the emotional and rejection… it all ties together.  I just want to be emotionally supported and I can prove steady reliability.

I am going to really try and go this time LOL.  Ashley is still responding to my texts so I may type again here soon to up-date, but I am honestly going to try and get off here and put on some music and shower, too.  Erin will be home in a little over an hour, and I just want to be alone with myself and my thoughts… When she gets home she will probably just want to chill out, and honestly, I will probably be in the mood to go out… that’s usually how it goes, but I don’t want to go out by myself, as I naturally enjoy and prefer going out with someone or in a small group.

February 17th, 2011. Ashley, correspondences and such.


I talked to Ashley today when I was at the mall with Erin looking at Macbook’s.  I texted  her afterwords while we were in the Disney store (Erin loves Disney).  I asked her if she received the package I sent her.  She replied, “I didn’t get a message… at least I don’t think I did.” I responded back, “Check the post office; it arrived and is waiting for you.  Call me and I can give you the tracking number.” I waited a few minutes and didn’t hear from her and so I called her.  She answered (I wasn’t sure if she was going to) and we started talking.

She asked me what the package is, and I told her it’s a “surprise” and she said something along the lines of, “You didn’t have to do that for me…” I said, “Well I promised you I would send you something, so I did.” She said that she has a lot of mail that she hasn’t checked yet and that the notice slip is probably in the pile and if it’s not she’ll get a hold of me tonight and let me know.

She asked me what I’ve been up to, and I told her about Korea and the possibility of teaching English.  To wrap things up, I said, “What do you think?”  She said something along the lines of, “I don’t know, I wouldn’t consider it for the long-term.”  She seemed open to the possibility but sounded like she needed more info, or who knows, maybe she is making good money where she’s working now and doesn’t have an interest in exploring other possibilities.  I asked her what she has been up to… she said things have been super hectic.  I said, “So I heard you might be moving to North Carolina?” She said something along the lines of “we’ll see.”  She said she had to go after about 5 minutes.  It was a nice and short conversation.

I have to be honest, I really care for Ashley, and I miss her a lot.  She has my best interest at heart.  I am sincere in my devotions.  I think about her safety, her well-being, her success, her life, her decisions, and choices, etc.  I want to know how she’s doing and be there for her every step of the way.  I have great respect for Ashley as a person; I think she has a lot of potential for success and is a good person.  I want what Ashley has, and I also in many ways want to be her complimentary figure.

I have been in the kitchen making food for the last 10 minutes or so and thinking about how I want to be Ashley’s “go to” man so-to-speak… the person she turns to for consolation.  When she’s sad or just wants to talk about life, I want to be that person.  The connection we have is rare, and I understand that resentment and distrust can put a wedge between us, but there isn’t anything I cannot work on and that we cannot overcome as a pair.  As I’ve said to all of my girlfriends, “I will be your support –your strong tower;” I mean that, and I especially, particularly extend that welcome to Ashley.

If given the chance to “do it all over” again, I would.  I don’t care if that sounds “crazy” or unrealistic, because I believe –fully, in the impossible.  I believe in certain things, and when a connection is sparked, that is something that I don’t let go of… not easily, and when I do, it’s because I know that it’s for the best.  But with Ashley, I know that I have changed, and I am sure that she has changed too, and I want to see where that goes… as friends…

If all we ever are are friends then so be it; I will accept it and be grateful, but I know for a fact that this is a friendship that I want in my life.  Friendships are few far and in-between, and I want something significant, rare, and special.

I texted her just a few minutes ago, now that I am home and am making organic pasta and veggies and eating a healthy meal and said, “I’m making pasta and broccoli right now So good.  Look, I know that I haven’t been someone you’ve wanted to talk to and your favorite person, but I’m here for you and I care about you.  I have a lot of respect for your, Ashley, and I want good people in my life… People with good heart’s, like yourself, and a good head on their shoulders.”  I said, “I’d like you to reach out to me.  I know I wasn’t always the best person when you knew me, but I have changed.”

I ended the text like that, although now that it’s over with, I am wishing that I had said more, as the thought seems (feels) unfinished.  Maybe something like, “I know I wasn’t always the best person when you knew me, but I have changed, and I sincerely mean that,” etc.  Oh well.  She has not responded, nor did she respond to the two single texts I sent her after our conversation saying, “It was good hearing from you, thank you for picking up.”  “I’d like to hear about how you’re doing.” I have always said, in recent weeks, that if Ashley does not reach out to me soon then I am going to completely back off for my own well being.  It hurts me when she does not respond like this, and I have no clue –no indicator showing that she is not interested in talking to me via communication.

Ashley has always been someone to communicate, and so it honestly blows my mind that she has not spoken to me directly her wants/needs –her feelings, rather.  What is she doing, I ask?  I mean, I understand if someone is busy in their life, but at least let someone know that it’s not them and that you care about them.  I feel like I’m hanging with her… emotionally.  I just feel like I don’t know what’s going on, like I’ve been left in the dark.  It’s not even about me being desperate or longing, etc. but about me simply knowing what’s going on in my emotional affairs.

We all grow up and things change, but I am somebody, who in many ways, doesn’t change my very core attributes and basic makeup.  My sincerity and devotion rather.  My character has changed, as in I have grown up and matured, but my heart always stays the same.  The song, “Straight from the heart” by Bryan Adams just came to mind.  I do not lie, and I am very sincere, and I honestly pride myself on that.  I pride myself on being so emotionally revealing, and I look for that in all of my affairs.  I look for someone else with the same sensitivity, authenticity, and expressiveness.

One could argue that I am “hung up” on my ex.  For clarification-sake, Ashley is not my “ex,” and I promised her a long time ago that I would never call her that, and I have not.  I have followed-through with that simple request, which at time time seemed “trivial,” but that I now understand through growth and maturity.  I am caught up on the fact that we were close friends first and we had compatibility… in interests then, and now both values and interests.  Ashley does not know me now because she has not taken the time… she has not seen, ie: witnessed (like Jen has beautiful put it, leaving a thoughtful note on my windshield one day: “We all need a witness to our lives”).

Ashley has not witnessed my life for only but brief moments because she has turned her eyes and back away in many ways… I believe this to be related to resentment.  She is resentful for things that have happened, and have never healed from it (bless her heart) and as a result closed herself off to receiving.  How much longer can one hold onto something before it takes them and another a part?  I mean, I understand that with Erin and I for instance there is a ton of resentment, but she keeps on hurting me!  Erin keeps on lying, etc. but I have 100% completely changed as a person.  It is rare, like 10%, that someone changes… but I did because I realized I had a good thing.

Losing Ashley opened up my eyes… it had a profound effect on me, more than my own father’s death.  Ashley was there for me emotionally and physically.  She was a beautiful woman in my life, someone who cared about me and was sincere, and I was too underdeveloped to appreciate it.  I had unresolved grief.  You better believe that if I could take those moments back I would, and I would treat her via actions like she deserved.  I want nothing more than for Ashley to listen to me these days… by simply witnessing my life and showing a sincere interest in it.

If she’s stressed out then she can turn to me.  I understand that trust was severed, but I am a changed person and yet she has a wall, a wedge, even if invisible, placed between us, and I can feel it.  And I just keep on saying, “I want the person back that I knew…” I will say to myself, “I want my Ashley…” I want the person who saw me and cared for me and gave me that special attention.  She communicated to me how she felt, and she showed me… and I gave her little because I was quite simply young and immature.  I did not have the character that I do now.

Have you ever seen a movie about a man who started out as a boy, maybe even immature, and maybe he even got himself into trouble often in his youth, etc. but who grew up and was a leader?  He developed himself; life, experiences built him, shaping him.  I am shaped… but right now I am like a castle metaphorically-speaking, because I have walls up.  I too, like Ashley, have been hurt… bad.  I have received my fair share.  I am over with it, in my mind.  I want to move on, but I am stuck.  I am stuck so bad, and I just want some help, and I want a friend, someone who is trustworthy, warm, and sincere –who I can trust, to help me out.  What better person could there be than Ashley?

I understand she’s busy with her life, and that (my belief) that resentment is keeping us apart, and soon I will have to distance myself from her (not get or be “over” her, but just put her in the back of my mind) because it’s hurting me waiting for something that may or may not ever come, but in my mind it’s beginning to become an “I’m all alone in this life” mentality, and I don’t want that.  I remember a song that Ashley and I used to listen to, and it was called something like “Us against the world” and the title pretty much speaks for itself… but that “us” –that couple was Ashley and I, and we were a strong tower.  I don’t want to be on my own in that kind of way… not anymore, not now, now somehow.  I am tired of being alone emotionally… I have been alone for far too long.

The last time that I was emotionally engaged and connected was in 2006, and that was with Jen, and that wasn’t the healthiest relationship.  It has been that long (no exaggeration) since I have connected with someone.  I am not sure if it’s just because I am introverted and only connect with certain folks or because not a lot of folks have highly developed values, and moreover, live out those values, or because I have been isolated and in highly destructive relationships, but the point is, I’ve been “cold,” ie: on the outside for far too long.  I am hurting.

I need an ounce… a piece of bread… anything to help feed me, or rather match me (pair) emotionally.  I need to “dethaw” so-to-speak, for my shoulders to come down… to not always feel the need to carry this burden… this false, overdeveloped-sense of responsibility.  I need someone I can just jive with… go out with… connect with… have fun…. Humor.  I miss kayaking… camping… going to poetry… seeing open mic… concerts… plays… it’s been years, and I am in no way, shape, or form exaggerating.  I just need a freaking friend –excuse my language.

The problem that I keep running into is that not everyone is sincere and not everyone has highly developed values, and most of all, not everyone “walks the —their talk.”  I’m trying to “walk my talk;” I honestly need a boost.  Again, I need a friend, someone emotionally centered/based but who’s stable, warm and supportive… and positive.  –Who I can laugh with, tell jokes with, be crazy with, outlandish, etc.  I have not been able to be “myself” in God knows how long… years –no exaggeration.  “I’m dying each and every second that you’re gone.” -?  This song just came to mind…

“Best I ever had” by State of Shock

Now I know I messed up bad
You were the best I ever had
I let you down in the worst way
It hurts me every single day
I’m dying to let you know

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend

So many things I would take back
You were the best I ever had
I don’t blame you for hating me
I didn’t mean to make you leave

You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you’re gone
Now I know you’re the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

We fell in love for a reason
Now you’re leaving
And I just want you back
So many things we believed in
Now you’re leaving and words won’t bring you back
I’ll never let go of the heart I broke

You and I were living like a love song
Now I know you’re the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

I can’t believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can’t believe now that you’re gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were the best I ever had
I can’t believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can’t believe now that you’re gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were,
You were the best I ever had

The other day the part of the song that says, “You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you’re gone…” was running through my head nonstop out of nowhere.  I have dreams of this woman… I have woken up screaming her name before.  Before you call it “crazy” and/or judge and label it, lets just look at it simply… as grief maybe… as someone (myself) who lost a friend, someone that really mattered to them and their body –their mind, body, and soul is longing to be with this person…

I am listening to the song now because I wanted a refresher, and it’s making me sad… and I am really serious about stepping back.  It will hurt me more than anything, but it can’t be worse than not being responded to… basically ignored.  I know that she’s a busy person and has a lot “going on,” but I need some responsiveness… some genuine communication.  In the meantime, I will continue building my character and growing, learning, and developing.

My goal is to be a life coach/trainer/educator/facilitator/writer/author/motivational speaker, and teacher.  I will get there, and I am fully on my way.  I am capable.  I am strong.  I am honest, and I am true. I have integrity.

January 20th, 2011. “Standards.”


This is the second entry I’ve written today.  I am amazed at the type of people I attract into my life… I honestly wonder what that says about me.  I was pondering today, walking to the park and wrote down some of my thoughts.  At any rate, I couldn’t help but notice how bleak everything looked and how cold it was… and the park was lifeless, kind of how I feel now.  I feel like my inner landscape is barren.

I am just realizing how important partner and friendship selection is.  I have added a few people to my facebook through mutual friends and have trying to get to know some of them with a mindful eye and ear.  Typically I will just be friends with anyone who seems to be there, but I can proudly say that I’ve begun to develop standards for myself and am starting to stick to them.  One of the persons I spoke with I am surprised to find out smokes weed every day.  That is not my style, and that is a major red flag.  In the past I might have thought, “Oh, well she’s ‘cute’ or she’s convenient,” ie: always there, there to listen, etc. but  not this time.  I have actually dropped her from my “Get to know” list to the regular “Philadelphia folks” list.

The individuals on my “Get to know” list are people who I think, at first observation, look nice and decent.  Then of course I talk to them… and I find out more, like I did tonight!  I must say that I am a little disappointed that this person who seemed very beautiful in many respects is a daily pot smoker.  I must say honestly that that rained on my parade a little bit because I honestly thought that maybe I had found a potential friend who shares similar values and interests, but the truth is, I don’t want that in my life, and I am trying to change that –lack of self-respect, etc. about myself.

I am simply not going to waste time on people who do not share similar values.  I realize now how important values are, and it’s sad that I never had them before… “standards,” that is.  Honesty, respect, communication, dependability, and commitment are very important values to have, and it honestly wasn’t until being in this relationship with Erin that I could see the importance of these things.  Through not having had them in the relationship with Erin, I learned what matters to me.

So to say the least, that is just one example in which I am proud to say that I am applying some principles that are important to me.  The other one was the other night when I was talking to someone I thought was cute, who I have thought was cute for a very long time, and while I am not looking for a relationship, I was interested in building a friendship with this person.  It turns out the person blew me off two days in a row (we had been texting and had also planned on talking on the phone for 10 minutes so she could tell me about this frightening event that happened to her out of the blue) and her reasoning was because she had “acted stupid.”  I said, “What?”  She skipped around what happened, and finally said to me that she had gone to a lesbian bar and saw “10” of her ex’s and that they still wanted her, etc.

My first reaction was “Okay, she blew me off first off,” two, a lesbian “bar?” (I am not big into drinking but “to each his own;” however, not when it involves dumping me off), and then “10” ex’s?!  And lastly, the “they still want me” like comment she made.  She had mentioned something about an ego stroke.  I am sitting here thinking, “What the hell, are you serious?”  Anyway, that raised some major red flags for me!  Even aside from the fact that she dumped me off, the fact that she had 10 ex’s?!  I mean, “10” fine, okay, lets just pretend that’s okay… she talked about how she “did” stuff with them and how they still “want” her!  (I later found out she kissed them).  At any rate, I am not attracted to any of that… and I’m not sure what you would even call it, because I don’t think it necessarily falls under any of the categories (standards/values) I listed above, so I’m not sure what exactly you’d “call” it.  I just know that if I was involved with someone like that then they obviously have unresolved issues with their ex’s and they also enjoy a lot of physical attention, which does not fly with me in terms of possible future dating relationships!

I later asked this person if she is a loyal person or enjoys polygamy and she said she is very loyal and has “never cheated,” which may be (likely) is true; however, I don’t understand why she needs such an ego boost.  Honestly, that turns me off.  And honestly I was turned off by the fact that she, being single, would act in such a fashion.  Again, I am not sure what you would “call” it, but I would never act in such a way, and I am not interested in pursuing anything with her at any point in the future based off such knowledge.  Which is fine.  I just felt saddened to hear that… It just goes to show that we must really take the time to get to know people before jumping into things… which is exactly what I have been trying to do now.  I have been sort of “screening” people, watching them –how they act/behave, etc. and then making judgments of whether or not I want that type of person in my life and how based off that.

So yeah… Ashley still is the only woman that I have dated that shares similar values.  We shall see what’s to become of this.  I will continue being my lovely self and continue along the path of self growth and discovery…