April 30th, 2011. An example of drama. What ever happened to simplicity, or rather, compassion, understanding, and responsibility? Balance is non-existant. Rigid thinking and households.

An example of drama… Note:  I hate drama.

Person A lives in this house with person B who has a dog.  Person B works all day (9:30 a.m. – 8:15pm) and leaves dog with person A.  There is not a formal agreement between person A and B regarding the care of the dog.  Person B (his/her philosophy is the following) would keep dog in cage all day (they do not see a problem with it) but the responsibility so-to-speak (informal/unspoken “agreement”) falls on person A to keep the dog out of the cage and to care for the dog, ie: watch, let out to use the bathroom, etc.  Why?  Because:  Person A does not agree with keeping the dog caged for 11 hours and has sort of “agreed” (informal/unspoken) to take care of the dog so the dog doesn’t have to be caged.  Basically the responsibility has fallen back on person A because person A is concerned for the dog’s welfare.

Issue:  Value conflict — Person A does not believe in caging an animal; Person B sees no problem with it.  Note:  There may be gray area —

One day person A was going to leave the house to actually meet up with person B and forgot to put the dog in its cage before he/she left.  Both people came home later that evening to see the dog has chewed the remote control to the tv — who’s fault is it?  Is it person A who forgot to put the dog in the cage, or does it fall back on person B because they’re the dog owner and owning a dog comes with a responsibility.  Note/Remember:  Person A is not formally “hired,” or in any way responsible for the dog.  Furthermore, even if they were, ie: formally hired, etc. and they made a mistake, is it accept to react and blow up?  See below.

Person B yelled at person A the following day in front of company!  A and B had company over and person B discovered that the remote did not work and started yelling at A. The yelling went on for 20 minutes until the company walked out the door.  Person B rationalized it (person A’s observation) because the guest was “family,” ie: a cousin.  Nevertheless, person B — a day later, started yelling at person A once he/she discovered the remote was not only chewed, but it no longer worked.

Person A was confused and embarrassed that person B would yell at her in front of someone, much less yell at her at all because accidents happen.  Furthermore, person A is not responsible for the dog.  Person A stated to person B: “Accidents happen,” and also felt person B, as a dog owner comes a responsibility, ie: if the dog chews something, it is the owners responsibility to pay for it.

*Even if there was a formal agreement between person A and B regarding the care of the dog, if a mistake happened, it would be unrealistic to make person A pay for the mistake!  (Person B was wanting person A to pay for the mistake and was yelling).  Why?  Because mistakes happen and “perfection” does not exist.  It is unrealistic (unrealistic expectations) to think that because one forgot something, had an accident, etc. made a mistake in such a context that they should have to pay for it.  Be mindful also that person A is not responsible for this dog — there is not an agreement period.

Person B (third component) is worried (feels more pressure) because person B’s father is going to yell at him/her.  Person B believe they will have to “take the heat” (quote) themselves.  Person A affirmed the father may (likely, “the past is a predictor for the future”) yell, yes, but there isn’t anything either of us can do about his reaction.  The reaction of the father cannot be controlled.  Person B continued to go on and on about the anticipating reaction from the father.  There was much fear.  Person A believed the fear fueled the anger in person B but that’s irrelevant.  Person A was getting shot down (ie, with words, temper, unreasonable expectations, etc) because of person B’s fear and inability to see the situation clearly.

So you have person A, B, and now C added to the mix.  Person A sees things this way:

If a dog should enter a premise — any premise, then it is the responsibility of its owner to take full responsibility for the dog, ie: paying for damages, etc. that might occur as a result of the dog’s actions.

If a maid was hired to take care of the dog and the made forgot to do something by accident and the dog had an accident, ie: chewing the remote, the maid would not be expected to pay for the remote.  Accidents happen.  Flexibility and understanding are a must when you are a pet owner.  It is and can be expected that things will happen when you own a pet!  Person C (The father) gets livid and yells and curses and threatens when things happen — normal things, ie: accidents, chews, etc.  Person C should not have agreed to allow person B to have a dog if it was going to be a problem, or rather, Person C should respect the fact that person B is paying rent and is his/her own separate person and should not be yelling at person B at all.

There is too much enmeshment and unhealthyness in this situation.  Lets keep it (this drama) real simple:

If a dog should enter a premise — any premise, then it is the responsibility of its owner to take full responsibility for the dog, ie: paying for damages, etc. that might occur as a result of the dog’s actions.

April 25th, 2011. Loneliness and tough times (insecurities).

As of April 22nd Erin and I have decided to get “involved” again.  This is probably the biggest mistake ever.  I am currently at Erin’s work because she told me to come and bring her clean pants since her’s ripped, and it’s an absolute nightmare.  A huge public area like this is a breeding ground for cheaters — an absolute playground.  I am angry at myself for trusting her.  The fact is, I don’t trust her; I am just being forgiving and naive again.  I am not in a good mood right now.  I am hot and miserable.  It is 85 degrees today, smoldering and sunny, and I am highly uncomfortable — physically and emotionally.  I have been watching people come and go at Erin’s workplace, and it’s honestly, as I said, a playground for a cheater.

I hate that she’s obsessed with work, and I hate that our line of work is so different.  I am angry at myself for ever coming to this stupid city.  I am feeling really negative right now.  I am angry that my more introverted, creative qualities are not appreciated, much less shared with any local like-minded people.  I am angry that I cannot find like-minded people here, and that I am just on the back-burner with Erin.  I don’t mean anything to her, and lets face it, we’re not “right” for each other no matter how hard we try.  I am so angry right now I could cry.  I think more than anything I am sad because of her experimental and unethical behavior.  I am angry at her for her tendencies and for her lack of commitment to overcoming her problems.

She continually says she’s not going to “hurt” me, etc., and I just feel like it’s a fucking time bomb I’m awaiting.  She has every opportunity at this highly public area to meet anyone she damn near chooses from any state, region, etc. and yet I am supposed to trust her?  You have to be kidding.  I am just a senseless joke to her.  I am really sad and angry and not happy right now.  Life just seems pointless.  I will be honest, I am not happy here and with my life right now.  I do not even know what’s going on with my lyme disease… my test results for babesia and bartonella from Quest came back negative… apparently though IGENIX thinks I have lyme.  I obviously have something because I am losing my freakin’ hair and my nails won’t grow anymore, etc.

My thyroid results are showing that there’s digression, and I am not sure why because I take the thyroid medication to make my thyroid think it’s working every day.  I weigh 120 lbs and am tired some day and others super energetic.  I do not know what’s going on.  My physical health issues are driving me nuts.  I am sick of everyone.  Sick of all of these people who do not care and all of this ignorance.  I feel so alone here and once again surrounded by people who do not care.  There are loud noises, pollution, yelling, Rick doesn’t want the air conditioners in, yet I received 3 phone calls today alone, excluding emails, from people saying they’re interested in an air condition I am selling for Rick because it’s hot enough for one!  The house smells, the bikes have to sit in the back yard and collect rust and fade and be wheeled through dog shit with huge flies on swarming on and around it that come inside the house right through our kitchen door.

I am just so tired of this shit, lack of quality, life and having to worry every day about Erin cheating, knotting up my shoulder muscles.  She doesn’t give a rat’s ass as she has her way in this public arena doing “whatever the hell she pleases” as she so beautifully puts it.  I would go on a dating site and look for another relationship, but I don’t even trust my ability to attract a sane person anymore.  I seem to have my ‘professional’ life together, but that’s about it — all my relationships seem to be dysfunctional and in shambles.  I am just not happy.  I was happier in Vermont, yet it was time for a change.  Now here I am, and I don’t know what to do.

I have looked into many options, ie: teaching in South Korea, etc. but what I want to do is coaching — full time, and I want to build my practice, but how can I do that in these conditions?  I feel trapped… I am lonely and sad and need support once again.  I don’t think I will ever step foot in Alanon again, as the program virtually keeps you dependent on the person you are trying to break away from, as they preach over and over, “Just ‘detach.'”  I am sorry, but I do not want to hear that and make my problem worse when I am going somewhere for help, health, and empowerment!

I am about to honestly just shut off from the world, and I can only imagine that’s not much healthier either… yet this whole situation just seems so hopeless… I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve felt the fire and lived passionately.  —Vermont, before Erin, before Annie, before crazy fucked up Katey.  I think I was the happiest when I first moved to Vermont before Katey started getting involved with porn on Craigslist and when I lived alone and single for 5 months in the spring and summer of 2008.

None of it matters anymore.  I am alone.  There isn’t anyone to reach out to.  I cannot trust the very person I am close to, and Rick doesn’t do anything but control the house and everyone else.  He didn’t even awknowledge my birthday like my own mother who said she sent me a card and never did.  She sent me a card late after I had told her 3 times that I never received anything… the only person who awknowledged my damn birthday was Jen, my ex, and she’s flaky and unreliable… she can’t stay in one place for too long.  She’s always in and out…

Three words:  I am alone.