March 19th, 2011. May the fate prevail -step-by-step.


I met up today with Albert after he got off work and we talked about our lives and updated each other.  He told me about his son and vented his troubles, hopes, fears, etc. he’s been having with him, and I told him about how my mother talked my step-father out of helping me financially with my treatment for lyme disease and how my biological father insists I help myself because he claims to not have the extra money right now; mind you, he is paying megabucks for an overseas dating service and flying all over the world looking for a new, young, bright, wife in his new, hot convertible.

Albert and I concluded that I am pretty much on my own, and it’s a shame.  It honestly is really sad.  He said that there’s something seriously wrong with my “family,” but then again, we have known this.  He also said he feels this may be part of the reason Erin is taking advantage of me.  He said (he is from another country) that when men realize their wife is on their own and that their family does not support them, they look down on them and start taking advantage of them.  I told him that it should be the opposite of that, and that if the family does not support the partner, the partner should be mindful of that.  At any rate, that is not the case.

With that being said, I am in a dependent situation due to my poor health, and am not receiving any support from all directions.  I have fortunately thought up a plan, and I am going to try my hardest to stick to it.  It goes like this:

1.  Treatment
2.  Job
3.  Home
4.  Support
5.  Vision

Basically my treatment recovery comes first before all else.  I need to get myself back to a place where I can be able to work again and be productive so that I can eventually get out on my own, in an area (community) that I can be proud of, ie: Burlington, North Carolina, California, etc.  Likely Burlington or North Carolina.  I have never lived in North Carolina, but if it’s anything like Vermont I think I would be happy there.  I love trees and mountains and liberalism.

At any rate, then will come the vision, which I believe as long as I take all of the right steps in the right direction, will fulfill itself.  I will be happy — in my family and career.  I will be in a place of optimal productivity — this is the plan.  I fully believe in this plan and do not see there being a problem as long as I take the necessary steps that I need to to get better.

I wanted to share these 3 videos, in this order, because they just came to mind:



I have never really experienced love.  It is just a concept.  It is sad that I do not have a family that I can reach out to — that both sides of my family have basically left me estranged.  There must be a lesson in all of this because sometimes the tragedy is such an atrocity that shakes me at my very core that it doesn’t even seem worth living.  It’s a hard “pill to swallow.”  I have thus turned to friends as “family” and unfortunately many of the “friends” I have chosen have taken advantage of me and partners unfit to be partners.

What this all comes down to for me is self-respect.  I will have to do it on my own and see what I am made of.  I believe this is character-building.  I am being shaped, and there is a lesson to learn.  I am strong, and I am also compassionate.  I am outspoken and have a strength and tenacity that is rare.  I am strong and vulnerable at the same time.  I am capable.  I am a survivor and will excel and succeed in my own right.  I will set-forth standards for myself and follow them.  Ashley was right when she said, “Emily your core issue that you can do it alone..but don’t believe that you can.”

“Life Of My Own” by 3 Doors Down.

Living risky,
never scared, wander
Closer to the edge
Nothing valued think no fear,
Always wondering why you’re here
All your purposes are gone, nothing’s
Right and nothing’s wrong
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
Feel no sorrow, feel no pain
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms,
Let me live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast
Falling faster, time goes by,
Fear is not seen through these eyes
What there was will never be,
Now I’m blind and cannot see
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way,
And I’ll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life.

The – my vision is what will carry me.  In this “sink or swim” world, I will swim.  “They’ll have to beat it out of me,” I think to myself.  I will surrender only to one thing – God.  I will submit only to God and under “good orderly” direction, those trusted – far few and in-between.  The human spirit is resilient.

I have never had a family, and it is that very thing that motivates me.  I am like a star too hard to follow.  I will chart my own path and leave dust.  “Chalk it up.”  I have what it takes -I am capable of getting out of this position and moving to a position of greater freedom and happiness.  I want to pray to God right now.  “God, whatever I have done to deserve ill, poor health, I am sorry.  Please allow me to learn the lesson so that I can move on and do something good with my life.”

“Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast” – 3 Doors Down.

No one will hold me down.  I will prevail.  I will take this step-by-step, day-by-day to free myself from this mess, this cage, this “mess” that I have got myself in.  I know that there is a lesson, spiritual in nature, for me to learn.  I will learn it, and I will move forward.

February 24th, 2011. Save myself.


Well, now that I am going to live my “own” life I have to figure out how I am going to do that.  I feel like one again I am having to shut my heart off in order to continue walking.  I feel like I am having to harden myself so that I can keep on going, and I don’t naturally like to do this being someone that is very sensitive and gentle.  At any rate, I now need to take care of myself the best way I know how and get myself to a place where I can self-sustain.  I need to be able to “carry my own weight.”  I have a feeling that on this road, one of the lessons will be learning to take risks and chances.  I hate taking risks and chances and prefer predictability.  I understand that progress comes in bounds and leaps.

If this is my life then “what am I going to do with it,” I ask?  The world is a playground and this is my showroom, and it’s a chance to shine… I am sure that I will fall as I’m “out” there.  To be really honest, I am afraid to be “out” there.  I am afraid of this whole “sink” or swim deal.  What is life without someone?  I feel like I have been emotionally alone for too long and the last thing I want is to not have someone to rely on and have to solely rely on myself emotionally because I have already had to do this and it’s been very difficult…

“Us against the world” -Musiq.  There isn’t any “Us against the world” anymore… Ashley and I are through, and I just need to get her out of my head.  You know, the truth is, all I really needed (wanted) was a friend… but the simple fact is, she’s cut me off for reasons of her own, and I just have to move on.  She wants me to “move on” fine.  I will move on via action, but not heart.  The heart may take some time… I am not someone who has multiple commitments… that is not me.  I tend to be very faithful and true to causes and persons I believe in.

At any rate, I will force myself to move on via action and honestly try not to get a chip on my shoulder or too jaded when I come home from a jaded world and want nothing more than to have a woman there to help “soften” (comfort) me.  We all need that comfort, and I have never had it.  I have always been the “strong” one, just naturally… it’s hard to find an equal.  Ashley was an equal of mine.  I don’t even want to mention her name anymore, as it hurts so bad I just want to laugh to try and deflect the pain.  I am angry and sad at her choice to cut me off, and I just want to run away.

I can (and should) be able to make things work for myself out there… out there in this “world.”  I am a pretty tough cookie.  I remember when I was little wanting to do SWAT, or the DEA.  I love cop shows.  I am interested in protective custody, too… ie, children.  I am interested in protecting and serving.  At any rate, I guess it’s now time to protect myself.  Every time I try and get Ashley out of my head I can’t.  I sit here, and I think, “Wow, I’m going to be all grown up and she’s going to be married.”  I don’t know, I guess that just goes to show my lack of faith in society right now, because the reality is, God and the Universe work in mysterious ways.  For instance:

I watch this video, something I once (and still, in the back of my mind and deep inside my heart) believed in, and I think to myself, “Maybe I won’t get that lucky.  I am definitely a force to Reckon with.”  I am strong and persistent.  There is a fine line… I guess there is also a time and place, and now is the time for me to let go.

I have only been able to sing this song to two people — Ashley (originally, and still) and then my previous counselor/confidant “Syndee” who’s heart had no bounds and where boundaries were extremely blurred.  “Undefined.”  I guess love has no bounds…. it’s true, it cannot be defined or exacted… it’s not a science.  It’s just simply chemistry… something we try and figure out when we get scared or are simply curious, but we can’t, because it just is…  Soul-mates are one amongst a few, and they are great opportunities for us to learn about ourselves, others, and life.  They come and go, but I think it can be said, that for some those connections and ties never change.

So I will “pull up my bootstraps” so-to-speak and continue trucking.  I am not going to let anything stop me or get in the way of my own success, which I define as the ability to be self-sufficient and take care of myself.  I know that I am capable of being successful and living passionately and purposefully.  My dream is to inspire… to make change.  Ashley has no clue who I am and what I’m capable of, but that is okay, because there will soon come a point where I will be out there “on my own” officially, and I will have no one but myself to turn to.  I will make it work for myself, and I can only hope that by then, and if, and eventually that I can let a woman, and another woman into my heart…

“Dreams unspoken, this price is our token” –a line in a poem I once wrote.  “Words cannot describe, words cannot define this thing between you and I.”   Someday… not right now.  I will choose to live.  If she wants me to move on, fine.  I want to move on, too, for me… to grow up.  For me to be able to move some of this energy and get it, things going.  To do.  To stop sitting on the sidelines planning my attack so-to-speak.  To just be and trust.  “I can make it on my own.”  Instead of the song, “Just the ‘two’ of us,”  that “two” will be me and my little girl inside… that tough, strong, independent, rambunctious, energetic, alert child:

Now I owe it to myself and my little girl…