Journal entry 9/10/12 6:45AM


Journal entry 9/10/12 6:45AM


When she gets up, I get up because my mind won’t stop going (obsessing, PTSD) like a movie on replay. I, even in my own body, am triggered and flooded with flashbacks of things – earlier times, trauma, etc., where I trusted her, like my father trusted my unstable mother and she failed to meet his needs and live up to her own expectations (she was out sleeping with other men).

The traumatic cycle is no fun, and it will keep you up at night, and can keep you from falling back asleep… It’s insanity – the PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder), like when a war victim arises in a dead sleep in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep, flooded with fear… this is how I feel.

Every time she gets up in the morning, I feel defeated by my own thoughts, which at this point, I can’t seem to turn off. I am not “crazy,” as my sick mother likes to project onto me, in my obsessing (flashbacks), I am traumatized.

 

What’s worse is nothing numbs the pain, and I just long for a “normal” lifestyle. I just want to live a normal lifestyle and not hurt all the time.

Every time she acts out, it just adds another layer to the cake. I have debated, when the pain gets bad enough, as a direct result of her selfish, cruel, impulsive, calculated actions, finding someone new, and while I may have tried this in the past, leaving my partner, it never worked, and I’d always come crawling back out of guilt (shame) and missing them… probably out of some false sense of security, but it (the pain, panic, longing, etc.) was nevertheless that real in that moment, beyond what you can truly imagine, beyond your wildness dreams.

I actually missed the very thing I walked away from so much that I caved and went right back to it.  It’s a never-ending cycle and hard to get away from. I actually had withdrawal when I left the last time and moved 8 hours away on my own. I moved back to the town where we had first met because that was the town I fell in love with and where I had lived before, and was having withdraw from just being there without her.

It didn’t get any easier because I didn’t have any support, because I’d pushed away (alienated) all of my support by constantly talking about our problems, ie: her acting out (cheating, raging, lying, porn, fantasy, lust, etc).  My friends dwindled throughout the sickness, and I felt myself further isolated.

Still, it’s hard for people to understand the effects of living with someone who’s sick unless they’ve been there themselves, and let me assure you, they haven’t.

Most people can’t understand why you’re in a relationship like this, even if you grew up with it, because they think you’re an “adult,” and don’t understand the dynamics of it.  You can just walk away like it’s a piece of cake.

It’s been my experience that many people act like it’s an “easy” solution and it’s not that easy when you’re in it. Then, you’re bound/prone to repeat the abusive/painful cycle with someone new without even realizing it.

Developing awareness can help, but it isn’t a safeguard, which is important when you’re suffering with PTSD, because all you want is to feel safe, in our case, emotionally; sometimes, physically, and the more “relationships” you’re in like this, the more cynical (distrusting) you become.

It’s also hard because when you finally get therapy, therapist’s because therapist’s generally overlook the fact that you have PTSD because you aren’t some typical classic war victim – shot in both legs and physically disabled, equally invalidating and counterproductive to healing.

Speaking of “invalidating,” I think many of us with PTSD, whether it’s a result of childhood abuse, a single traumatic incident, or relational trauma, need to be validated, because emotional support is crucial.

Either way, it should not be overlooked and a proper diagnosis of PTSD given and an appropriate treatment plan. Because you’re out of your mind if you think you’re going to get out of this alive, and on your own.

 

Visiting grandma at the nursing home


Grandma in 2007, before being put in nursing care

Grandma in the nursing home I have been visiting my grandma at the nursing home a lot lately.  It’s really sad the state she is in… she has dementia/Alzheimer’s and stays locked up in her room all the time with the blinds shut.  Every time I walk in there it’s really dark and she is sitting up on the couch.  I always ask her if I can open the blinds and she says yes.  I let light in for her.  I show her this quilt that sits behind the couch she lays on and talk to her about it.  She likes the quilt and it keeps her conversational.  She doesn’t always remember her husband and she often gets names mixed up.  There has been one time, recently, that I saw her and she did remember her husband – his name, everything.  And she always remembers her mother’s name.

Anyway, I put lotion on her skin because she kept commenting on it – the 4 times we have visited her she has pointed to her dry skin and expressed discomfort.  The lotion we used today stunk, next time I am going to grab the “Vanilla Chamomile” from Bath and Body Works.

I miss my grandma… it’s really sad the condition she is in.  I want to take her outside next time I see her.  Erin and I are going to try.  We’re going to ask the staff if it’s okay and how to go about it.  If she wants, of course.  If not, we may just open her window for her so she can get some fresh air.

I notice she functions better when there isn’t a lot of clutter; her cognitive skills are better.

The nursing staff doesn’t really check on her… there are only 1-2 staff members on duty at once in a fairly large facility.  The food they get isn’t very good.

I want my grandma to have the best quality care possibly, who wouldn’t?  I want to make life the best for her while I am still here in Indiana.

After visiting her I am humbled… and I realize that what’s important to me is not important to her, or people as they get older.  It really makes you think about what matters.  Now I see why they say you should go volunteer at a nursing home or in hospice at some point in your life.  Visit enough and you’ll start to see what really matters.

My grandma has lived so many more years than me… I wish for her that she could remember… it’s just nice seeing her, and I know that it is a gift that she is still alive.  I will continue humbling myself each time I see her and trying to live out my dreams despite the fact that I know she is declining… meaning, her brain is going.  I wish that I had all the money in the world and could, at the very least, pay for her to get quality food, ie: Gerson – ie, raw, organic, 90% vegetables and fresh juiced drinks.

I will continue to see her.  Tomorrow I am going to go and see if we can take her outside.  Like I said, the very least, open up the window.  Oh, and I wonder how often they bathe/change her because she has the same exact outfit on from Thursday.  I won’t worry too much about what needs to be fixed at the expense of being in the moment.  I just want to be there for her and make her stay, and mine, as best as possible.

Crazy coincidences…


So curiosity has struck me because I keep seeing “Illinois” plates EVERYWHERE, and Erin suggested that it might be Ashley “thinking” about me.  This started on Memorial Day, and it’s been nuts – like, they will randomly jump out in front of me and are literally EVERYWHERE.  Anyway, so tonight, I can’t remember what prompted me, I googled Ashley’s name and stuff with her mother came up.  Before I go there, I wanted to say that it said Ash lives in Chicago… “Mylife” pretty much reveals everywhere you have lived… it even mentioned that Ash lived in Wisconsin..

So a few things… first off, I think it is very eerie that Ashley’s mom was on the news a couple years ago and traded in her silver dollars… when I literally collect them and buy them off people.  I literally (call it “luck” or what – actually, I think it’s karma, because I had some stolen from me in the past) paid $22 for 3 of them, and they together are worth $2,000.  The guy at the Fairgrounds said that he thought they were “fake,” but they turned out to be real!

Anyway, so here’s the news article I found with Teresa (Ash’s mother) selling them:  http://www.wlfi.com/dpp/on_the_money/people-seeking-alternative-ways-to-find-extra-holiday-cash  She got ripped off MAJORLY by the way, but that’s another story.  I collect them, and I would have given her $50 a piece for them!  Some of them can be worth good money.

Excited by what I had discovered, I bravely and likely in vain, sent Teresa a Facebook message that reads:

  • Emily A Cox
  • 21 minutes ago

    • Teresa,

      Hey, I saw your news article on the news. I actually buy silver dollar coins for $50 a piece. It looks like you sold quite a few! If you get anymore, I will buy them off of you.

      I hope you have been doing well, there are some great changes at Twkyenham! The pool is about to open, and I am super excited!

      I had a dream that you got a house! I hope you are doing well, and enjoying your new place.

      -Emily A Cox”

Anyway, then the saddest thing came up… and I have been thinking about, and have actually thought about this, several times… Ashley’s dearest grandmother… she passed away… exactly what I was afraid of.  Article:  http://hosting-5049.tributes.com/show/Ruth-M.-Leader-91169949

I want to apologize to Ashley for not being there… I didn’t have any idea she had passed sine Ashley cut me off right around the time of this article… if I had known that, I would have literally, flown to this funeral and been there with Ashley.  I am not exaggerating; I would do anything for that woman, and to support her… her grandmother was such a beautiful, nice, strong woman.  She died around the time Ashley and I met… “March.”  Granted, 8 years later.  Still, I do not remember the last time that I heard from Ashley…

The last conversation I had with her was while I was at the mall in New Jersey with Erin shopping for Mac’s… we had gone to the Mac store, then to the Disney store (for Erin), then to a food equipment store, and I had called Ashley somewhere in between… I think in the Disney store… and I had told her that I would be going to South Korea to teach English.  I am not sure of the month, but I honestly think it was right around the time her grandmother had passed… I had/have never heard from Ashley since, except that she no longer wanted to talk with me should my “feelings” come between her and a “future” relationship.

I wish I had the email from Ashley that she sent me departing our own ways, but I don’t… I closed the account… I might actually have it in a blog, I would have to check… Irregardless, I am shocked to learn that her grandmother passed, and I am more saddened than anything to have not been able to be a part of Ashley’s support during this trying phase, especially since she was there when my father passed away.

Article #2:  http://www.journalreview.com/obituaries/article_1a760b4c-534c-11e0-95d8-001cc4c03286.html

I just signed the guestbook… I will probably go and pay my respects and put flowers on her grave soon.

Some errie coincidences are coming up with this search… As I posted in a previous entry, I had a dream that Teresa bought a house… well, on one of the searches it says a house was either sold or purchased on April 21st 2012 to Teresa via Majestic Homes – IF it’s the same Teresa!  Weird weird weird… I do not have a connection like this with anyone else… the only two other experiences I have had were with my stray cat, “Buckeye,” 15 years ago and my ex, Jen… so strange.  Only Ashley.

THEN the woman who baptized me (My mother’s BEST friend) comes up: Dr. Sally Downham Miller – AEI Speakers Bureau, still in the “Teresa” search… what the hell! …ofall people!  Creepy!  Yeah… “Majestic HOME” sale:

2450 Estancia Lane Majestic Custom Homes of Lafayette Inc. Teresa A. Hull 3/15/2012 Lafayette $155,450.00 $300.00

2450 Estancia Lane… I am sorry, but this cannot get any creepier.  I dream of this woman… well, Ashley, not her mother, obviously ;)  …although, as I said, I dreamt that she purchased a house… in fact, I honestly want to go back and see when I dreamt it, because it may (actually, it was) right around the time that she purchased it!  I mean, I have had dreams of Ashley, where I am screaming her name… like, waking up and screaming her name.  I had one dream like this, and it was extremely powerful and intense.

I also had a dream that Ashley was coming to visit home, and sure enough, she did!  …the next day!  Erin swears we are meant to be.  Anyway, I have to go check this out.  As for everything else going on, a lot.  Re-instated, I picked up a part-time job to help supplement some money until South Korea next year :)  1 year in Korea, and I should be in a much better financial position!

Okay, ta ta!

Expression and boundaries


So I’m really embarrassed and kind of self-conscious.  I went to hang out with Jen tonight, Ashley’s ex.  On my way over there, she told me that “Koger” (My ex, Sarah) was going to stop by.  I figured, “Okay, whatever.”  I nonchalantly wrote it off, but I was really nervous because I felt (feel, rather) fat right now because my thyroid meds are off again – that, or my lyme disease has re-birthed itself.

Anyway, I was (am) still very self-conscious.  I am not sure what to think right now because I revealed some information to them that I may later regret, that might hurt the person I care about.  I revealed that I still kind of have feelings for my ex, Ashley, (their former best friend).  Sarah is still facebook friends with Ashley, and Jen could easily talk to her if she wanted.

At any rate, they poked fun at me tonight, and I could tell they weren’t taking it (my feelings) seriously.  I felt (feel) really raw and vulnerable right now.  I want to be able to let my feelings out, but I don’t know who to talk to, and I also don’t think I am articulating what I feel correctly.  I don’t “want” Ashley in the kind of way(s) that Sarah was joking about… it is not a lusty thing… I want to be friends with her again, honestly.  I want to do fun things together and talk (reminisce) about old times.  I want to start over again and just have a good time and talk for hours about people and life.

Tonight I was talking about things like buying her a car someday and possibly marrying her because she is the “one” for me (I know this without a doubt – that she is the kind of person that I want to be with, and I have never, literally, met anyone like her – similar to me, strong, beautiful, willful, and graceful, and have never come across another person that I feel the way I do when I’m with her).  At any rate, they kind of poked fun of me for it.

Sarah brought up how I’m going to “afford” to buy her a car if I’m only doing resale right now, saying, “How are you going to afford to buy her a car someday when you’re only selling shit,” and I said “I will make it happen; it will happen.”  I kind of changed the subject then when Kari (Jen’s girlfriend, my very first girlfriend) somewhat unexpectedly arrived because I felt embarrassed.  I was already embarrassed talking about it all because I knew they didn’t take me seriously.

I told them to watch the Notebook, and stated that I was (am) the “guy” in the notebook, and it’s not make-believe… they probably think I am delusional, I wouldn’t put it past them.  Sarah made a comment about how I knew Ash had gone to visit Mudlavia on my birthday, and I stated that I had seen it online… I didn’t want to tell her that I saw it through one of Ashley’s friends, but I did because she phished for information.

I told her that Crystal had told me that Ash is straight now, and so I clicked on the first guy on Ash’s friend list, and ironically it ended up being her current boyfriend, or what looks to be her boyfriend… and that in the pictures it showed them at Mudlavia.  That’s the truth – I didn’t look at any of her other friends… I clicked on his name because the few times I’ve gone to Ash’s page, he always shows up.

Anyway, I am afraid now what they (mostly Sarah, but Jen, too, I guess) will say to Ashley.  I asked both of them to kindly not say anything to her for fear of embarrassed on both my part and Ashley’s part, and Sarah said “Ok.”  I know how she is though and she will say something.  She will say something just to stir shit up.  She likes drama.  All I want to do is talk to Ashley again.

Like the song:  “Till the sky falls down” by Dash Berlin

“All I need is one good answer

To understand why you are gone”

It doesn’t make any sense why Ashley would cut me off out of nowhere and yet she claims that I still have “feelings” for her as if she doesn’t!  She is clearly denying them, but we will just keep it at that.  If that’s where she is right now with herself and in her growth, I will respect.  But I am allowed to talk about it, I just don’t know whether or not I can trust Jen and Sarah to not say anything.  It’s a shame I can’t talk to Ashley herself about this.

And I do have a life outside of Ashley, trust me… I work 60+ hours a week for myself.  I literally bust my ass, and though it’s hard work, I love having the freedom and flexibility of setting my own hours.  Anyway, this whole thing just seems absurd.  I’m probably better off keeping my feelings to myself and reserving them for my journal.  I truly do believe in a strong element of fate, and I know that when something is supposed to happen, it will.  I am going to (this is my plan) continue to live my life, “One day at a time” as Alanon puts it (Alanon can be credited for a tremendous amount of my growth) and see what happens.

I just wanted to get this out there.  I don’t even want to know what lies ahead for me.   I am trying to stay positive, but I know without a doubt that Sarah (and possibly) Jen are going to say something to Ash, which will likely sabotage any chance I may ever have at being friends with her again.

I know that my feelings of ambiguity will lessen over time as the universe (my Higher Power) provides me with more clarity about myself and others.  I know that I will continue to grow and learn and make the right choices for myself.  In the meantime, I will continue living my life and learning to trust myself and lean more on my Higher Power rather than others.

June 7th, 2011. The Contemplation of Death. Existential Matters.


You know, something we don’t think about often is death.  I keep getting the “10 of swords” and “5 of pentacles” is nearly all of my tarot readings.  Tarot plays off ones subconscious and works via quantum physics similar to the law of attraction.  The cards are not “evil” as some religious folks might believe – they are impressions in image-form.  In other words, we think certain things and have a subconscious and the images reflect this subconscious domain.

Both of these cards are dis-favorable cards, and I have drawn them more times than I can count.  The reality is my health is not in good shape and is compromised.  My ear-node pain is getting worse.  I have it in both ears, although the right side (also where my asymmetrical tonsil is located) is worse, and it gets so bad sometimes that it radiates to my upper jaw, causing a headache in back and front and then finally neck and shoulder pain.  The ear-node pain is worse when I am stressed out and cold air makes it worse, however, the pain comes and goes at any time.

All other symptoms, ie: hair loss, joint pain in hand/fingers, weight gain (and loss), fatigue (extreme), dry/red/bloodshot eyes, hot/cold flashes, occasional night sweats, etc. are so trivial compared to the ear-node pain, which on a 1-5 scale is about a 4 most of the time, sometimes hitting a 3 and other times a whopping 5.  I am too young to be having these kinds of issues.  Whatever I have going on — this “viral” illness that I came down with either in August of 2008 or Fall of 2007 (I became extremely sick both times) has caused my thyroid to stop working and one thing after another (in my body) to shut down.

At any rate, I am concerned, and I am now thinking about what would happen if I died… ie, if what I have going on is serious, ie: cancer, a tumor, etc.  The cards that have continually popped out are standing out.  “Cards” aside, I have a health issue that is progressively getting worse and nobody knows what it is.  One agency — IGENIX — a top lyme-testing lab in Palo Alto, CA, has diagnosed me with chronic lyme disease and yet the CDC (Center for Disease Control), which we all know has too “low” standards, states that I only meet 3 out of 5 criteria for lyme and so I would technically not have it.  This in and of itself is a huge controversy within the lyme community.

Needless to say, I am thinking about existential matters.  On my way home tonight from NJ after having ran errands and bought groceries I pondered, “What are the 12 things I would like to do before I die?”  ie, if you found out you had 6 months to live, what would you do?  So it has me thinking… and I know that sounds depressing, but lets be prepared for the worst-case scenario.  What do I really have here?  My things — they mean nothing; they will parish when I do.  “What matters to me?”  Death really makes you contemplate.

I cannot help but wonder how many people have had near-death experiences that have changed their lives.  Will I have one?  I can’t tell you how many psychics I’ve been to — trusted ones (my family used to go to one — Ms. Nancy Bowman) who have told me I will have a “cancer” scare — and “scare” or not, that may involve surgery, death, etc.  At any rate, it makes you think — “What is ‘life’ (this thing I have not even begun to fully experience) all about?”  “What will/would I like to do if I was going to die in 6 months and knew it?”  “What things would (will) I have experienced?”

My first thought, or one of my first thoughts was “I wish I had money (I don’t have any savings or inheritance, what can I say?) I would give it to Ashley and to Jen’s little brother, Jessy.”  I say this not because I think money has worth, but because I believe that it can get people somewhere — it can provide opportunity.  I want to see little Jessy go to college; I have desired that from him since I first saw him, because he deserves it.  At any rate, I do not have money, so what can I give?  That brings me to say “What would I do?” ie, listing 10-12 things before my life runs out.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

How often and how many of us really think about this?  At any minute any of us could come down with a terminal illness — what are the things (journal) that would want to do given your 6 months to live?

I had told Erin tonight that I would be happy just knowing that I have discovered my purpose – do you know how rare and precious of a gift that is, especially for someone my age?  My purpose is to Serve — to be a vessel, a catalyst for others — to create opportunity and prosperity.  I am interested in providing for myself, my future family, and the community — providing financial and educational opportunities.  Maybe I would have never had a chance to live out that dream; however, I am grateful for having had the clarity to discover the purpose.

I discovered my purpose while in Vermont, which was the best (most life-enhancing) experience of my life.  It really opened my eyes up, and I am thankful (gracious) to have experienced it.  I met some wonderful people and for the first time in my life can say that I discovered “family.”  We choose our family.  Anothe thing, I discovered I had choice in Vermont, and I also found (for the most part) my Voice.  I was able to express myself there for perhaps the first time and was encouraged to express myself and develop my potential.  People (the community) supported me — my interests, well-being, etc.

I will have to think about how to answer this question.  10 things

March 3rd, 2011. NAVY.


Sometimes I wish that I had stayed in the NAVY…

I sure earned a lot of physical fitness awards in school. I also have a good weight standing.

I really wish that I had continued… if it was not for the death of my father, I would have stayed in. I needed my family. I was grieving, and it was a bad time. My recruit officer had suggested I wait, and I didn’t listen, thinking I could handle it after my dad’s death, but I couldn’t… finding him dead traumatized me, but I was determined at that time to not let it interfere with my career goals. I wanted to make him, my family, and myself proud. I let myself and others down in the worst way. At any rate, I wish that I had re-enlisted a few years ago.