April 27th, 2011. Reminders, impressions, sensations…

Why is it that whenever I google “heart, self-acceptance” and click on ‘images,’ every single image reminds me of Jen and I’s relationship?  Why is it that I can feel her and the energy of that relationship long after it’s “over?”  Perhaps relationships stay inside us?  Perhaps I am longing to feel connected again the way I did with her.  Perhaps I am lonely and sad that Erin and I do not have a relationship even close to this — ie, based off love (unconditional) and understanding.

I look at these images… and they are so heart-focused… they convey warmth… touch… feeling… support, not coldness and lack of emotion like I feel in Erin and I’s relationship.  I know that I shouldn’t compare, but I am deeply sad and angry.  Beneath the anger is sadness because there is a lack of connection.  She closed off from me way too early.  First she smothered me and then she closed off — and she’s always been controlling.  I don’t ‘get’ it.  I try and wrap my head around some things, but some things I just don’t and likely will never “get.”  It’s beyond me.

I miss lighting candles… having candlelit dinners… talking about what went on with our days and in our community… I miss nature… bonfires… creeks… water… kayaking, laughing, walking outdoors, noticing the leaves change.  I sit here, and I ask, “What has happened?”  I honestly question and wonder whether there was any love to begin with, as it seems so hollow and ill-defined (non-existent) in Erin and I’s relationship.  I felt, in so many ways, like the “thrill of the chase.”  She chased and then cut off once she got what she wanted and she then pursued other interests.

I wonder about my heart and my purpose often and kinship… I honestly miss, more than anything, being supported and honestly that feeling of being supported.  Why is it that some people are in touch with their hearts while others are not?  How can one be disconnected from his/her heart?  I do not get it… it baffles me… blows my mind.  Jen would cut off and close off but not in the same way as Erin who is pretty much inaccessible.  Jen would just push/pull but she could never quite “cut off,” ie: emotionally detach.  Erin becomes cold.  She dissociated or splits or something.  I hate to “psychbabalize” things, but I do not know of any other way to put it.  She is just not there… it’s like touching an empty shell…

Do you know how it feels to be human and to have your “hands and feet” (so-to-speak) “pressed up against the glass,” looking for a way in?  …saying, “Hey, I’m here,” and cries and screams down the hall only to not be heard?  This is how I have felt, and yet I have hung on, patiently, waiting for a response.  Every once in a while I will hear a response.  If this journal entry is saddening you, it is saddening me too.  I feel sadness in my chest just about now.  I want to say, “Yes, Jen, what we had was real…”  I want to, “Erin, I know you opened up, but you shut/closed off much too fast — you didn’t even allow me to get to know you.”  I think both of these women presented me with another side, but the difference is Jen still remained connected whereas with Erin as I said, she’s an empty shell and often it appears as though she and we are just going through the motions…

I felt Erin’s heart once.  I honestly felt it beating in my hand… so early on in our relationship.  I am about drowned out by now and too tired to “hold on” to that anymore, as I have tried “fishing,” attempt after attempt for far too long now.  I am simply burnt out.  Who wants to keep on trying when someone is inaccessible, to themselves and others?  Erin is counter-dependent; she fears intimacy.  As I said, Jen fears intimacy too, but she was at least assessable, and no one quite got to her like I did.  Erin says I “push her buttons” — yeah, I’ve heard that before — my lovely “mother” said the same thing, yet that’s about all I do.  She doesn’t let anyone or anything in so how could she ever experience anything more?

I miss flowers… believe it or not, I honestly think I would be elated if I received flowers right now, and I am usually not one to desire flowers — I like plants better lol  At any rate, Erin has forgotten my birthday and just about every special occasion you can imagine — no card, nothing.  I guess we hold onto what we desire.

Jen got me a rock a long time ago that said “Believe.”  I kept it in a box along with other stuff of ours, but my nasty mother threw it out just as she did with my 13-year collection of journals.  At any rate, that really showed me that Jen supported me.  My father used to give me rocks… he was an earth science teacher before I lost him to the hospitality industry… he would teach me the names of the rocks, etc.  I enjoy earthly creations.  I guess I just miss feeling the love and support of those around me.

March 13th, 2011. Lyme times.

I am tired and exhausted because I had chosen to stay up late last night reading about the XMRV virus in connection with my lyme disease.  I was proud to have discovered that a connection has been made because the last time that I looked up XMRV in the fall of 2010 it had only been linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  It’s good to see advances!  And of course Dr. Joseph Burrascano is on top of the research.

At any rate, I am tired today.  I am excited to start my new regime soon and structure –structure more or less; the regimen itself is going to be very difficult to follow seeing as how I eat carbs every single day, often three, if not four times a day.  The lyme diet is very strict.  I have been told it’s somewhat like the Atkins diet and that it’s also similar to the Gerson diet used to treat cancer patients.

At any rate, I am excited to incorporate my new structure and to apply the discipline to achieve it.  I think that with adequate sleep I may very well be able to accommodate it and live it out successfully.  Of course there will be challenges, which I believe I can overcome as long as I can identify them, and also through the grace of God.  I do have belief in a spiritual power despite my anguish and triumph.

I trust that there is a “plan” for me.  I will be honest, there are moments –many, where I feel completely helpless, and I am angry, bitter, and sad that this is happening to me, but I just remind myself that there will come a time when things are “better.”  I will hold true to that.  I have heard of many lyme disease patients committing suicide because life doesn’t seem worth living; I hope to not get to that point.

I honestly believe that I have a purpose on this earth to serve and help make a difference.  I believe that I have what it takes inside to overcome and to be a part of the “greater” plan.  I believe that I have what it takes to succeed listening to the Creator.  I strongly believe that there is a chosen path for me.  –that is not to undermine or underestimate good will, or personal will, as I do believe that we have and are given choices, but I believe that through this suffering I will become a stronger person, and I will trust with all of my heart that I can pull through this.

My “friend” is the night.  The “night” and its stillness and silence is my companion.  The stars.  The trees.  –the things that I cannot see right now because I am so far away from them, but in my heart, they stay, as well as the vision that I hold for myself and my life.  I will overcome.  I will believe.

I think there is beauty and richness all around us.  I think that when we stop and breathe and take a moment to see the richness and beauty that life has to offer we can appreciate.  Life is beautiful.  I love life.  I love people.  I love the gifts that I have been given and the unique gifts that others share.  I want to see the world a better place.   I want to see people make a difference –to see people happy.  We are meant to live out our lives with purpose, conviction, and integrity.  To master unknown truths, but to know when to surrender.

“There is ‘beauty in the breakdown'” Dido once said.  I will be broken down, each of my defenses, whether I like it or not until I learn my “lesson” –this I wholeheartedly believe.  There is a “lesson” for that I just cannot see yet.  There is truth in the unknown.  There is a lesson here, and a magical healing and renewed spirit.  We will prevail.  We will walk together.  We will know each other.  We will love, respect, and tolerate one another.  We will cherish one another.  This is not a “utopia.”  Change starts with us –with the self.  I will walk through the fire if I have to, and by the water.  I will try and rest and calm my body to the best of my ability, creating a good balance.

I will eat healthy foods, mediate, sleep, love, and pray.  I will try and moderately exercise.  I am going to do my best to overcome this dis-ease and sickness.  Amen.