April 27th, 2011. Reminders, impressions, sensations…


Why is it that whenever I google “heart, self-acceptance” and click on ‘images,’ every single image reminds me of Jen and I’s relationship?  Why is it that I can feel her and the energy of that relationship long after it’s “over?”  Perhaps relationships stay inside us?  Perhaps I am longing to feel connected again the way I did with her.  Perhaps I am lonely and sad that Erin and I do not have a relationship even close to this — ie, based off love (unconditional) and understanding.

I look at these images… and they are so heart-focused… they convey warmth… touch… feeling… support, not coldness and lack of emotion like I feel in Erin and I’s relationship.  I know that I shouldn’t compare, but I am deeply sad and angry.  Beneath the anger is sadness because there is a lack of connection.  She closed off from me way too early.  First she smothered me and then she closed off — and she’s always been controlling.  I don’t ‘get’ it.  I try and wrap my head around some things, but some things I just don’t and likely will never “get.”  It’s beyond me.

I miss lighting candles… having candlelit dinners… talking about what went on with our days and in our community… I miss nature… bonfires… creeks… water… kayaking, laughing, walking outdoors, noticing the leaves change.  I sit here, and I ask, “What has happened?”  I honestly question and wonder whether there was any love to begin with, as it seems so hollow and ill-defined (non-existent) in Erin and I’s relationship.  I felt, in so many ways, like the “thrill of the chase.”  She chased and then cut off once she got what she wanted and she then pursued other interests.

I wonder about my heart and my purpose often and kinship… I honestly miss, more than anything, being supported and honestly that feeling of being supported.  Why is it that some people are in touch with their hearts while others are not?  How can one be disconnected from his/her heart?  I do not get it… it baffles me… blows my mind.  Jen would cut off and close off but not in the same way as Erin who is pretty much inaccessible.  Jen would just push/pull but she could never quite “cut off,” ie: emotionally detach.  Erin becomes cold.  She dissociated or splits or something.  I hate to “psychbabalize” things, but I do not know of any other way to put it.  She is just not there… it’s like touching an empty shell…

Do you know how it feels to be human and to have your “hands and feet” (so-to-speak) “pressed up against the glass,” looking for a way in?  …saying, “Hey, I’m here,” and cries and screams down the hall only to not be heard?  This is how I have felt, and yet I have hung on, patiently, waiting for a response.  Every once in a while I will hear a response.  If this journal entry is saddening you, it is saddening me too.  I feel sadness in my chest just about now.  I want to say, “Yes, Jen, what we had was real…”  I want to, “Erin, I know you opened up, but you shut/closed off much too fast — you didn’t even allow me to get to know you.”  I think both of these women presented me with another side, but the difference is Jen still remained connected whereas with Erin as I said, she’s an empty shell and often it appears as though she and we are just going through the motions…

I felt Erin’s heart once.  I honestly felt it beating in my hand… so early on in our relationship.  I am about drowned out by now and too tired to “hold on” to that anymore, as I have tried “fishing,” attempt after attempt for far too long now.  I am simply burnt out.  Who wants to keep on trying when someone is inaccessible, to themselves and others?  Erin is counter-dependent; she fears intimacy.  As I said, Jen fears intimacy too, but she was at least assessable, and no one quite got to her like I did.  Erin says I “push her buttons” — yeah, I’ve heard that before — my lovely “mother” said the same thing, yet that’s about all I do.  She doesn’t let anyone or anything in so how could she ever experience anything more?

I miss flowers… believe it or not, I honestly think I would be elated if I received flowers right now, and I am usually not one to desire flowers — I like plants better lol  At any rate, Erin has forgotten my birthday and just about every special occasion you can imagine — no card, nothing.  I guess we hold onto what we desire.

Jen got me a rock a long time ago that said “Believe.”  I kept it in a box along with other stuff of ours, but my nasty mother threw it out just as she did with my 13-year collection of journals.  At any rate, that really showed me that Jen supported me.  My father used to give me rocks… he was an earth science teacher before I lost him to the hospitality industry… he would teach me the names of the rocks, etc.  I enjoy earthly creations.  I guess I just miss feeling the love and support of those around me.

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