March 24th, 2011. The Vision — Will Carry Me.


People can think whatever they want about me, but the prejudice and adversity just causes me to prevail.  In other words, minus my health, I am not very discouraged by adversity and tribulation.  In fact, I consider myself to be resilient.  For the most part, I can easily bounce back from disappointments.

The vision I hold for myself is what fuels me. 

I believe that when the time is right I will go at it full-fledged.  I know that I have what it takes inside to accomplish anything I desire to achieve, but I also do believe in a certain element of fate, and accordingly, I believe that there is a time and place for certain things.  I am trying right now to heal carefully and not push my body beyond its physical limitations at any given moment, lest my chances of living a healthy, vital life are compromised.

Some — a small number of people that I have spoken with believe that I am living in a “fantasy” world with my vision and need to get “out” there.  I have tried to explain to them that the system/structure must be set in motion before I can proceed to carry out my plan.  I understand that the structure I create will not be flawless, as I do not believe in the idea of “perfection,” and I acknowledge that it will need adjustments, and I am aware of this; however, I am trying my best to devise it to the best of my ability before attempting to execute it.

Martin Luther King lead by Vision, and he has, for the longest time, been a role model of mine.  He has character and morals similar to my own.  Granted, I am much younger than him and also from a different time era, but we share similar values.  At any rate, we both shared an embodied vision of our future and both share a single-minded, determination in carrying out that vision.

I will work until my very last breath to fulfill this vision, for not ever having had it in my life accompanied by a spiritual nature is what drives me and fuels the fire.  I have a larger vision for myself and my family.  I am a simple person with simple needs and an intensely rich inner life.  I am interested in only the simplest but the richest ways of  living, from filling my body with nourishing, wholesome fruits and vegetables to getting adequate, quality sleep to meditating and exercising.

LIVING, BREATHING, WALKING, INSPIRING, CREATING

PURPOSE

Life, fire, water, air, and earth.  I need little in life but the basics and a few close friends.  My priorites are definitely being defined, and I am being shaped every minute.  I am interested in what’s important, not in maintain a superficial, artificial life.  I will harness my energies and prepare to release these energies adequately.  Once I have completely defined what I want I will simplify it, taking something very complicated and watering it down, but nevertheless not losing its quality or rich “nutrients.”

There is life that lives inside of me.  There is hope.  There is strength.  There is beauty.  I am interested in restoring faith — focusing on the big picture.  My primary motive is not money – a product of the ego that gets the best of so many individuals.
I am interested in maintaining and developing relationships — bridging the gap between the hearts of others and making peace.  I am a pacifist at heart.  Integrity is my God and honesty my strength.  I am interested in preservation– preserving the roots of community – immediate family and extended loved ones.

January 8th, 2011. Reflections on last blog video.


I think when things are too stressful we look outside ourselves for fulfillment.  For me, I tend to not engage in the act of cheating, but I will fantasize about greener pastures.  In other words, when I am unhappy I escape into my imagination, and I am not referring to sexual fantasies or anything explicit, but just simply being in another place –a happier place.  For instance, the previous entry with the video on Christmas was a lonely and excruciating event/place emotionally for me.

I was with Erin and we were fighting and as always I was met with harshness, coldness, and indifference, and it was Christmas — the whole situation just seemed unreal.  It seemed unreal yet it didn’t because I thought to myself, “I’ve endured this now for, what, years? It should not come as a surprise.”  But of course there’s always that idealistic thinking, “Things could, or will be, ‘different’ this year.”  It’s magical, illusionary thinking.  It was Christmas, and we didn’t even have a tree… the spirit was devoid.  It was non-existent.  At any rate, the “Another lonely Christmas” song by Prince came on and temporarily made everything “better” because it took me to a place where I was happier… it reminded me of Ashley, and then my old friends… and life…

Of course those times have passed, but I cannot help but think and retain the hope (ideal, belief) that one day things can be just as good, if not better, than they were before.  If it takes until the day I die, until my very last breath, I will retain the idea that things can be better, and I will continually strive and work towards that.  I am not about to give up on my “dream” of having a better life.  I just won’t.  I will take the risks, and I will fall from time-to-time, but I will always pick myself back up with the help of God (HP), and I will survive.  I see myself and the human race as resilient.  I believe we are capable of healing and stretching ourselves, mentally, physically, spiritually.  I believe that humans are made to shine and to help and empower one another.  That we are meant to be one “big family.”

I don’t like to see people left out, and yet strangely enough, I myself am left out… it’s funny that what I want I don’t have, yet it is that very sense of lack (missing piece) that keeps me striving.  I am determined to move forward with great strides and am tenacious.  I love deeply and am a strong person, and I will retain that belief of myself no matter how many times I’m knocked down.  I know that God (HP) is testing me and my faith.  I will try my best to open up my ears and my heart, and more importantly, my eyes, and seize an opportunity to accept a blessing should it present itself.  I know that I will be okay with the help of my HP on my side.

I just wanted to document my awareness of my tendency to fantasize to relieve stress/pressure.  I also wanted to say that I notice my idealistic tendencies now more than ever in this past entry.  Additionally, I am retaining the hopeful view that there is work out there for us idealists and a place for us.  After all, President Barrack Obama is an idealist!