Emily’s life vision, career path, direction :)


Youtube has once again cut my videos off — the worst ever this time!  I think I am going to try uploading via my blackberry and see if it makes a difference… For now, here’s the same old mac webcam I have been using:

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April 29th, 2011. The Minimalist’s view.



“Nothing Left To Lose” by Mat Kearney

Something’s in the air tonight
The sky’s alive with a burning light
You can mark my words something’s about to break

And I found myself in a bitter fight
While I’ve held your hand through the darkest night
Don’t know where you’re coming from but you’re coming soon

[bridge]
To a kid from Oregon by way of California
All of this is more than I’ve ever known or seen

[chorus]
Come on and we’ll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we’ll try, one last time
I’m off the floor one more time to find you
And here we go there’s nothing left to choose
And here we go there’s nothing left to lose

So I packed my car and I headed east
Where I felt your fire and a sweet release
There’s a fire in these hills that’s coming down
And I don’t know much but I found you here
And I can not wait another year
Don’t know where you’re coming from but you’re coming soon

[bridge]

[chorus]

I can still hear the trains out my window
From Hobart Street to here in Nashville
I can still smell the pomegranates grow
And I don’t know how hard this wind will blow
Or where we’ll go…

April 27th, 2011. An intuitive’s mind/business endeavors.


On an errand Erin and I were making last night, while driving, and passing between some not-so-good neighborhoods, at night with only street-lights to light the way, I for some reason thought of Ashley.  She crossed my mind, and I thought to myself, or rather felt — perhaps both, “I would be okay living in this ghetto (if I had to) as long as I had someone to love, someone who I knew cared, someone to compliment me, someone who shares my spirit, ie: Ashley.”  Obviously, literally-speaking I do not want to live in a ghetto and never would, but I guess my point was that I could if I was happy in love.  I could work every day of my life and just live for that… to go home to the woman I cherish.

I can’t describe the warmth I felt in my momentary “imagination,” driving in the dark after a huge fight with Erin where she’s calling me names — every name in the book.  I cannot help but imagine the warmth, the care, concern, and support.  I would die twice to have a woman who loved me, who was supportive of my interests, who’s respectful of me, and who shows the time.

You know, I told myself yesterday that I will be okay being with Erin, or someone like Erin, who does not have all of the same interests as me.  That’s what friends are for, right?  Hopefully I am not in denial by saying that.  It is not always that I have clarity.  In Vermont I had clarity 90% of the time, but here in the city I simply cannot hear the call.  I am not grounded here and find it very hard to really sit still and listen.

I am trying to figure out what it is that I want to do work-wise in addition to coaching.  I need to do something more because working solo isn’t cutting it for me.  I would like to work for and with a business to help move things and get the ball rolling… I am interested in knowing what the vision and mission is and realigning things to meet it.  I would like to be able to try out and experiment with different approaches to “make it happen.”  I am interested in improving.  I would like to work with the structure — to improve it and its efficiency and work directly with its people to train, educate, reward, etc.  I am a systems — both persons and people person!  I am wondering if business development may be of interest to me.

I am talking with an individual today at 1PM who knows all about this stuff and he’s going to give me some pointers — he is also a life coach and pretty credible.  I too need to somehow establish some credibility — someway, somehow.

March 24th, 2011. The Vision — Will Carry Me.


People can think whatever they want about me, but the prejudice and adversity just causes me to prevail.  In other words, minus my health, I am not very discouraged by adversity and tribulation.  In fact, I consider myself to be resilient.  For the most part, I can easily bounce back from disappointments.

The vision I hold for myself is what fuels me. 

I believe that when the time is right I will go at it full-fledged.  I know that I have what it takes inside to accomplish anything I desire to achieve, but I also do believe in a certain element of fate, and accordingly, I believe that there is a time and place for certain things.  I am trying right now to heal carefully and not push my body beyond its physical limitations at any given moment, lest my chances of living a healthy, vital life are compromised.

Some — a small number of people that I have spoken with believe that I am living in a “fantasy” world with my vision and need to get “out” there.  I have tried to explain to them that the system/structure must be set in motion before I can proceed to carry out my plan.  I understand that the structure I create will not be flawless, as I do not believe in the idea of “perfection,” and I acknowledge that it will need adjustments, and I am aware of this; however, I am trying my best to devise it to the best of my ability before attempting to execute it.

Martin Luther King lead by Vision, and he has, for the longest time, been a role model of mine.  He has character and morals similar to my own.  Granted, I am much younger than him and also from a different time era, but we share similar values.  At any rate, we both shared an embodied vision of our future and both share a single-minded, determination in carrying out that vision.

I will work until my very last breath to fulfill this vision, for not ever having had it in my life accompanied by a spiritual nature is what drives me and fuels the fire.  I have a larger vision for myself and my family.  I am a simple person with simple needs and an intensely rich inner life.  I am interested in only the simplest but the richest ways of  living, from filling my body with nourishing, wholesome fruits and vegetables to getting adequate, quality sleep to meditating and exercising.

LIVING, BREATHING, WALKING, INSPIRING, CREATING

PURPOSE

Life, fire, water, air, and earth.  I need little in life but the basics and a few close friends.  My priorites are definitely being defined, and I am being shaped every minute.  I am interested in what’s important, not in maintain a superficial, artificial life.  I will harness my energies and prepare to release these energies adequately.  Once I have completely defined what I want I will simplify it, taking something very complicated and watering it down, but nevertheless not losing its quality or rich “nutrients.”

There is life that lives inside of me.  There is hope.  There is strength.  There is beauty.  I am interested in restoring faith — focusing on the big picture.  My primary motive is not money – a product of the ego that gets the best of so many individuals.
I am interested in maintaining and developing relationships — bridging the gap between the hearts of others and making peace.  I am a pacifist at heart.  Integrity is my God and honesty my strength.  I am interested in preservation– preserving the roots of community – immediate family and extended loved ones.

March 12th, 2011. Threats from my own “mother!” (LYME disease related).


I spoke with my “mother” today; miss Judy Lynn Downham, and she is threatening to sue me for asking her for help with my lyme and for posting the fact that my “family” won’t help me on facebook and on this journal!  She is nuts!

At any rate, I have had to delete all of my “family” and friends off of facebook because she will use any of the information she can get her hands on, including them, to use against me.  She is narcissistic and even my father stated this and used it in court to testify against her and her child abuse.  She tried taking him for all of the house assets, etc.

She called me today and wanted specifics on how much I owe on student loans and how much her husband co-signed for.  She also said she wanted to see my health records.  She claimed that I was “harassing, slandering, and blackmailing her,” which I am not.  She is literally throwing out words to gain the upper hand.

She can shell out hundreds of dollars to my brother and possibly sister yet she refuses to help me with anything.  I have not even asked her for anything in literally years.  She is obsessed with maintaining power and control and only uses Jerry.  I am now convinced that she has him wrapped around her pretty little finger.  The fact is, she is sick.  She threatened suicide after cheating on my father.  She is emotionally unstable.

At any rate, I am like a worn out shoe to her… she pawns her stuff off on me.  Everything is about reputation, and it always has been.  I am not sending her any records.  I will post my test results on here.  I am not going to send her records only to have her use them against me as further evidence that I am “harassing” her.  She is absolutely nuts.

I am going to pay for my own lyme treatment. I am selling my car.

February 17th, 2011. Ashley, correspondences and such.


I talked to Ashley today when I was at the mall with Erin looking at Macbook’s.  I texted  her afterwords while we were in the Disney store (Erin loves Disney).  I asked her if she received the package I sent her.  She replied, “I didn’t get a message… at least I don’t think I did.” I responded back, “Check the post office; it arrived and is waiting for you.  Call me and I can give you the tracking number.” I waited a few minutes and didn’t hear from her and so I called her.  She answered (I wasn’t sure if she was going to) and we started talking.

She asked me what the package is, and I told her it’s a “surprise” and she said something along the lines of, “You didn’t have to do that for me…” I said, “Well I promised you I would send you something, so I did.” She said that she has a lot of mail that she hasn’t checked yet and that the notice slip is probably in the pile and if it’s not she’ll get a hold of me tonight and let me know.

She asked me what I’ve been up to, and I told her about Korea and the possibility of teaching English.  To wrap things up, I said, “What do you think?”  She said something along the lines of, “I don’t know, I wouldn’t consider it for the long-term.”  She seemed open to the possibility but sounded like she needed more info, or who knows, maybe she is making good money where she’s working now and doesn’t have an interest in exploring other possibilities.  I asked her what she has been up to… she said things have been super hectic.  I said, “So I heard you might be moving to North Carolina?” She said something along the lines of “we’ll see.”  She said she had to go after about 5 minutes.  It was a nice and short conversation.

I have to be honest, I really care for Ashley, and I miss her a lot.  She has my best interest at heart.  I am sincere in my devotions.  I think about her safety, her well-being, her success, her life, her decisions, and choices, etc.  I want to know how she’s doing and be there for her every step of the way.  I have great respect for Ashley as a person; I think she has a lot of potential for success and is a good person.  I want what Ashley has, and I also in many ways want to be her complimentary figure.

I have been in the kitchen making food for the last 10 minutes or so and thinking about how I want to be Ashley’s “go to” man so-to-speak… the person she turns to for consolation.  When she’s sad or just wants to talk about life, I want to be that person.  The connection we have is rare, and I understand that resentment and distrust can put a wedge between us, but there isn’t anything I cannot work on and that we cannot overcome as a pair.  As I’ve said to all of my girlfriends, “I will be your support –your strong tower;” I mean that, and I especially, particularly extend that welcome to Ashley.

If given the chance to “do it all over” again, I would.  I don’t care if that sounds “crazy” or unrealistic, because I believe –fully, in the impossible.  I believe in certain things, and when a connection is sparked, that is something that I don’t let go of… not easily, and when I do, it’s because I know that it’s for the best.  But with Ashley, I know that I have changed, and I am sure that she has changed too, and I want to see where that goes… as friends…

If all we ever are are friends then so be it; I will accept it and be grateful, but I know for a fact that this is a friendship that I want in my life.  Friendships are few far and in-between, and I want something significant, rare, and special.

I texted her just a few minutes ago, now that I am home and am making organic pasta and veggies and eating a healthy meal and said, “I’m making pasta and broccoli right now So good.  Look, I know that I haven’t been someone you’ve wanted to talk to and your favorite person, but I’m here for you and I care about you.  I have a lot of respect for your, Ashley, and I want good people in my life… People with good heart’s, like yourself, and a good head on their shoulders.”  I said, “I’d like you to reach out to me.  I know I wasn’t always the best person when you knew me, but I have changed.”

I ended the text like that, although now that it’s over with, I am wishing that I had said more, as the thought seems (feels) unfinished.  Maybe something like, “I know I wasn’t always the best person when you knew me, but I have changed, and I sincerely mean that,” etc.  Oh well.  She has not responded, nor did she respond to the two single texts I sent her after our conversation saying, “It was good hearing from you, thank you for picking up.”  “I’d like to hear about how you’re doing.” I have always said, in recent weeks, that if Ashley does not reach out to me soon then I am going to completely back off for my own well being.  It hurts me when she does not respond like this, and I have no clue –no indicator showing that she is not interested in talking to me via communication.

Ashley has always been someone to communicate, and so it honestly blows my mind that she has not spoken to me directly her wants/needs –her feelings, rather.  What is she doing, I ask?  I mean, I understand if someone is busy in their life, but at least let someone know that it’s not them and that you care about them.  I feel like I’m hanging with her… emotionally.  I just feel like I don’t know what’s going on, like I’ve been left in the dark.  It’s not even about me being desperate or longing, etc. but about me simply knowing what’s going on in my emotional affairs.

We all grow up and things change, but I am somebody, who in many ways, doesn’t change my very core attributes and basic makeup.  My sincerity and devotion rather.  My character has changed, as in I have grown up and matured, but my heart always stays the same.  The song, “Straight from the heart” by Bryan Adams just came to mind.  I do not lie, and I am very sincere, and I honestly pride myself on that.  I pride myself on being so emotionally revealing, and I look for that in all of my affairs.  I look for someone else with the same sensitivity, authenticity, and expressiveness.

One could argue that I am “hung up” on my ex.  For clarification-sake, Ashley is not my “ex,” and I promised her a long time ago that I would never call her that, and I have not.  I have followed-through with that simple request, which at time time seemed “trivial,” but that I now understand through growth and maturity.  I am caught up on the fact that we were close friends first and we had compatibility… in interests then, and now both values and interests.  Ashley does not know me now because she has not taken the time… she has not seen, ie: witnessed (like Jen has beautiful put it, leaving a thoughtful note on my windshield one day: “We all need a witness to our lives”).

Ashley has not witnessed my life for only but brief moments because she has turned her eyes and back away in many ways… I believe this to be related to resentment.  She is resentful for things that have happened, and have never healed from it (bless her heart) and as a result closed herself off to receiving.  How much longer can one hold onto something before it takes them and another a part?  I mean, I understand that with Erin and I for instance there is a ton of resentment, but she keeps on hurting me!  Erin keeps on lying, etc. but I have 100% completely changed as a person.  It is rare, like 10%, that someone changes… but I did because I realized I had a good thing.

Losing Ashley opened up my eyes… it had a profound effect on me, more than my own father’s death.  Ashley was there for me emotionally and physically.  She was a beautiful woman in my life, someone who cared about me and was sincere, and I was too underdeveloped to appreciate it.  I had unresolved grief.  You better believe that if I could take those moments back I would, and I would treat her via actions like she deserved.  I want nothing more than for Ashley to listen to me these days… by simply witnessing my life and showing a sincere interest in it.

If she’s stressed out then she can turn to me.  I understand that trust was severed, but I am a changed person and yet she has a wall, a wedge, even if invisible, placed between us, and I can feel it.  And I just keep on saying, “I want the person back that I knew…” I will say to myself, “I want my Ashley…” I want the person who saw me and cared for me and gave me that special attention.  She communicated to me how she felt, and she showed me… and I gave her little because I was quite simply young and immature.  I did not have the character that I do now.

Have you ever seen a movie about a man who started out as a boy, maybe even immature, and maybe he even got himself into trouble often in his youth, etc. but who grew up and was a leader?  He developed himself; life, experiences built him, shaping him.  I am shaped… but right now I am like a castle metaphorically-speaking, because I have walls up.  I too, like Ashley, have been hurt… bad.  I have received my fair share.  I am over with it, in my mind.  I want to move on, but I am stuck.  I am stuck so bad, and I just want some help, and I want a friend, someone who is trustworthy, warm, and sincere –who I can trust, to help me out.  What better person could there be than Ashley?

I understand she’s busy with her life, and that (my belief) that resentment is keeping us apart, and soon I will have to distance myself from her (not get or be “over” her, but just put her in the back of my mind) because it’s hurting me waiting for something that may or may not ever come, but in my mind it’s beginning to become an “I’m all alone in this life” mentality, and I don’t want that.  I remember a song that Ashley and I used to listen to, and it was called something like “Us against the world” and the title pretty much speaks for itself… but that “us” –that couple was Ashley and I, and we were a strong tower.  I don’t want to be on my own in that kind of way… not anymore, not now, now somehow.  I am tired of being alone emotionally… I have been alone for far too long.

The last time that I was emotionally engaged and connected was in 2006, and that was with Jen, and that wasn’t the healthiest relationship.  It has been that long (no exaggeration) since I have connected with someone.  I am not sure if it’s just because I am introverted and only connect with certain folks or because not a lot of folks have highly developed values, and moreover, live out those values, or because I have been isolated and in highly destructive relationships, but the point is, I’ve been “cold,” ie: on the outside for far too long.  I am hurting.

I need an ounce… a piece of bread… anything to help feed me, or rather match me (pair) emotionally.  I need to “dethaw” so-to-speak, for my shoulders to come down… to not always feel the need to carry this burden… this false, overdeveloped-sense of responsibility.  I need someone I can just jive with… go out with… connect with… have fun…. Humor.  I miss kayaking… camping… going to poetry… seeing open mic… concerts… plays… it’s been years, and I am in no way, shape, or form exaggerating.  I just need a freaking friend –excuse my language.

The problem that I keep running into is that not everyone is sincere and not everyone has highly developed values, and most of all, not everyone “walks the —their talk.”  I’m trying to “walk my talk;” I honestly need a boost.  Again, I need a friend, someone emotionally centered/based but who’s stable, warm and supportive… and positive.  –Who I can laugh with, tell jokes with, be crazy with, outlandish, etc.  I have not been able to be “myself” in God knows how long… years –no exaggeration.  “I’m dying each and every second that you’re gone.” -?  This song just came to mind…

“Best I ever had” by State of Shock

Now I know I messed up bad
You were the best I ever had
I let you down in the worst way
It hurts me every single day
I’m dying to let you know

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend

So many things I would take back
You were the best I ever had
I don’t blame you for hating me
I didn’t mean to make you leave

You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you’re gone
Now I know you’re the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

We fell in love for a reason
Now you’re leaving
And I just want you back
So many things we believed in
Now you’re leaving and words won’t bring you back
I’ll never let go of the heart I broke

You and I were living like a love song
Now I know you’re the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

I can’t believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can’t believe now that you’re gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were the best I ever had
I can’t believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can’t believe now that you’re gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were,
You were the best I ever had

The other day the part of the song that says, “You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you’re gone…” was running through my head nonstop out of nowhere.  I have dreams of this woman… I have woken up screaming her name before.  Before you call it “crazy” and/or judge and label it, lets just look at it simply… as grief maybe… as someone (myself) who lost a friend, someone that really mattered to them and their body –their mind, body, and soul is longing to be with this person…

I am listening to the song now because I wanted a refresher, and it’s making me sad… and I am really serious about stepping back.  It will hurt me more than anything, but it can’t be worse than not being responded to… basically ignored.  I know that she’s a busy person and has a lot “going on,” but I need some responsiveness… some genuine communication.  In the meantime, I will continue building my character and growing, learning, and developing.

My goal is to be a life coach/trainer/educator/facilitator/writer/author/motivational speaker, and teacher.  I will get there, and I am fully on my way.  I am capable.  I am strong.  I am honest, and I am true. I have integrity.