This says it all – Exactly what I believe


Noah, a young man from the working class, lays eyes on Allie and instantly falls in love with her. When Allie refuses his initial advances, Noah remains persistent, and eventually wins her affections. However, Allie comes from an upper class family that has very definite ideas about Allie’s future. Determined to keep Allie from destroying the opportunities her upper class lifestyle affords her, the family leaves the town of Seacrest, leaving Noah behind. Noah writes to Allie every day for a year, but the letters go unanswered, hidden from Allie by her mother. After the year is over, Noah decides to go on with his life, but never forgets the love he once knew. Eventually, after many years filled with hardship and happiness, fate steps in and Noah and Allie rediscover the love they lost.

Expression and boundaries


So I’m really embarrassed and kind of self-conscious.  I went to hang out with Jen tonight, Ashley’s ex.  On my way over there, she told me that “Koger” (My ex, Sarah) was going to stop by.  I figured, “Okay, whatever.”  I nonchalantly wrote it off, but I was really nervous because I felt (feel, rather) fat right now because my thyroid meds are off again – that, or my lyme disease has re-birthed itself.

Anyway, I was (am) still very self-conscious.  I am not sure what to think right now because I revealed some information to them that I may later regret, that might hurt the person I care about.  I revealed that I still kind of have feelings for my ex, Ashley, (their former best friend).  Sarah is still facebook friends with Ashley, and Jen could easily talk to her if she wanted.

At any rate, they poked fun at me tonight, and I could tell they weren’t taking it (my feelings) seriously.  I felt (feel) really raw and vulnerable right now.  I want to be able to let my feelings out, but I don’t know who to talk to, and I also don’t think I am articulating what I feel correctly.  I don’t “want” Ashley in the kind of way(s) that Sarah was joking about… it is not a lusty thing… I want to be friends with her again, honestly.  I want to do fun things together and talk (reminisce) about old times.  I want to start over again and just have a good time and talk for hours about people and life.

Tonight I was talking about things like buying her a car someday and possibly marrying her because she is the “one” for me (I know this without a doubt – that she is the kind of person that I want to be with, and I have never, literally, met anyone like her – similar to me, strong, beautiful, willful, and graceful, and have never come across another person that I feel the way I do when I’m with her).  At any rate, they kind of poked fun of me for it.

Sarah brought up how I’m going to “afford” to buy her a car if I’m only doing resale right now, saying, “How are you going to afford to buy her a car someday when you’re only selling shit,” and I said “I will make it happen; it will happen.”  I kind of changed the subject then when Kari (Jen’s girlfriend, my very first girlfriend) somewhat unexpectedly arrived because I felt embarrassed.  I was already embarrassed talking about it all because I knew they didn’t take me seriously.

I told them to watch the Notebook, and stated that I was (am) the “guy” in the notebook, and it’s not make-believe… they probably think I am delusional, I wouldn’t put it past them.  Sarah made a comment about how I knew Ash had gone to visit Mudlavia on my birthday, and I stated that I had seen it online… I didn’t want to tell her that I saw it through one of Ashley’s friends, but I did because she phished for information.

I told her that Crystal had told me that Ash is straight now, and so I clicked on the first guy on Ash’s friend list, and ironically it ended up being her current boyfriend, or what looks to be her boyfriend… and that in the pictures it showed them at Mudlavia.  That’s the truth – I didn’t look at any of her other friends… I clicked on his name because the few times I’ve gone to Ash’s page, he always shows up.

Anyway, I am afraid now what they (mostly Sarah, but Jen, too, I guess) will say to Ashley.  I asked both of them to kindly not say anything to her for fear of embarrassed on both my part and Ashley’s part, and Sarah said “Ok.”  I know how she is though and she will say something.  She will say something just to stir shit up.  She likes drama.  All I want to do is talk to Ashley again.

Like the song:  “Till the sky falls down” by Dash Berlin

“All I need is one good answer

To understand why you are gone”

It doesn’t make any sense why Ashley would cut me off out of nowhere and yet she claims that I still have “feelings” for her as if she doesn’t!  She is clearly denying them, but we will just keep it at that.  If that’s where she is right now with herself and in her growth, I will respect.  But I am allowed to talk about it, I just don’t know whether or not I can trust Jen and Sarah to not say anything.  It’s a shame I can’t talk to Ashley herself about this.

And I do have a life outside of Ashley, trust me… I work 60+ hours a week for myself.  I literally bust my ass, and though it’s hard work, I love having the freedom and flexibility of setting my own hours.  Anyway, this whole thing just seems absurd.  I’m probably better off keeping my feelings to myself and reserving them for my journal.  I truly do believe in a strong element of fate, and I know that when something is supposed to happen, it will.  I am going to (this is my plan) continue to live my life, “One day at a time” as Alanon puts it (Alanon can be credited for a tremendous amount of my growth) and see what happens.

I just wanted to get this out there.  I don’t even want to know what lies ahead for me.   I am trying to stay positive, but I know without a doubt that Sarah (and possibly) Jen are going to say something to Ash, which will likely sabotage any chance I may ever have at being friends with her again.

I know that my feelings of ambiguity will lessen over time as the universe (my Higher Power) provides me with more clarity about myself and others.  I know that I will continue to grow and learn and make the right choices for myself.  In the meantime, I will continue living my life and learning to trust myself and lean more on my Higher Power rather than others.

Strangers


The “deep” stuff I probably shouldn’t post on here because it might scare some people away who are less in touch with their feelings…

“Our time apart, like knives in my heart…” -Nickelback

Thought to self:  If you didn’t deny (suppress, and repress) your feelings, you’d feel the same way…

I should probably just shut up before I push you away further, from your own feelings.  You’re – she’s “e strangulated.”

Have you ever loved or cared for someone who didn’t completely love themselves? … who’s life depended upon external validation, and who, when scared, would deny and suppress the very most sacred thing – one’s very essence?

I cannot make her feel… I cannot make her recognize herself.  I cannot make her see the beauty that she has inside.  I know on the outside she appears as though she has it all, but inside she thinks completely the opposite.  Why would she trust me when I hurt her?  Despite the fact that it was long ego, that doesn’t make any difference in her mind and heart.  The fact that I have changed does not register with her because she is still stuck in a world of suspended feelings.

I sit here, and I say, “I want to go back to that time,” only in present day, and if given the chance, I would… “When a voice from behind me…” -Nickelback

“That was fighting back tears…”  Nickelback.

I think that we all want to be happy.  She does not think that she can be happy with me.  Why?  Because I hurt her so very long ago… the biggest mistake of my life and the experience that changed me indefinitely.  And yet, she has not let go of this despite the fact that she will say otherwise, but “Actions speak louder than words” and “Talk is cheap,” and I can see what’s beneath the surface.

We run and hide because we’re scared, but you can’t continue to run away from love with out denying yourself the very essence of life, which leads me to say, “Are you who they want you to be,” or “Are you yourself?”  Who are you?  Do you run with those who don’t mirror you, those who invalidate you?  …those whose attention you want, who will never see the true “you?”  How long will you continue to run and hide?

I can’t be someone I’m not.  You move forward, yet you deny and pretend not to see the very thing that always saw through you.

“Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey

Just a small town girl
Livin’ in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin’ anywhere

Just a city boy
Born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin’ anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin’ anything to roll the dice just one more time

Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Don’t stop believin’
Hold on to that feelin’
Streetlight people

Don’t stop believin’
Hold on
Streetlight people

Don’t stop believin’
Hold on to that feelin’
Streetlight people

And perhaps from my small perspective, it looks like this.  This guy could be me singing this:

April 5th, 2011. Pursue your passion.


I have a vision…

My vision is to… taken from my March 24, 2011 entry

Prevail.  Resilience.  Bounce back from disappointments.

The vision I hold for myself is what fuels me.

I believe that when the time is right I will go at it full-fledged.  I know that I have what it takes inside to accomplish anything I desire to achieve, but I also do believe in a certain element of fate, and accordingly, I believe that there is a time and place for certain things.  I am trying right now to heal carefully and not push my body beyond its physical limitations at any given moment, lest my chances of living a healthy, vital life are compromised.

Some — a small number of people that I have spoken with believe that I am living in a “fantasy” world with my vision and need to get “out” there.  I have tried to explain to them that the system/structure must be set in motion before I can proceed to carry out my plan.  I understand that the structure I create will not be flawless, as I do not believe in the idea of “perfection,” and I acknowledge that it will need adjustments, and I am aware of this; however, I am trying my best to devise it to the best of my ability before attempting to execute it.

Martin Luther King lead by Vision, and he has, for the longest time, been a role model of mine.  He has character and morals similar to my own.  Granted, I am much younger than him and also from a different time era, but we share similar values.  At any rate, we both shared an embodied vision of our future and both share a single-minded, determination in carrying out that vision.

I will work until my very last breath to fulfill this vision, for not ever having had it in my life accompanied by a spiritual nature is what drives me and fuels the fire.  I have a larger vision for myself and my family.  I am a simple person with simple needs and an intensely rich inner life.  I am interested in only the simplest but the richest ways of  living, from filling my body with nourishing, wholesome fruits and vegetables to getting adequate, quality sleep to meditating and exercising.

LIVING, BREATHING, WALKING, INSPIRING, CREATING

PURPOSE

Life, fire, water, air, and earth.  I need little in life but the basics and a few close friends.  My priorites are definitely being defined, and I am being shaped every minute.  I am interested in what’s important, not in maintain a superficial, artificial life.  I will harness my energies and prepare to release these energies adequately.  Once I have completely defined what I want I will simplify it, taking something very complicated and watering it down, but nevertheless not losing its quality or rich “nutrients.”

I am interested in developing and maintaining positive relationships this year and provided for myself, setting the foundation to provide for a future family, and being able to give back to the community in which I live.

February 17th, 2011. Ashley, correspondences and such.


I talked to Ashley today when I was at the mall with Erin looking at Macbook’s.  I texted  her afterwords while we were in the Disney store (Erin loves Disney).  I asked her if she received the package I sent her.  She replied, “I didn’t get a message… at least I don’t think I did.” I responded back, “Check the post office; it arrived and is waiting for you.  Call me and I can give you the tracking number.” I waited a few minutes and didn’t hear from her and so I called her.  She answered (I wasn’t sure if she was going to) and we started talking.

She asked me what the package is, and I told her it’s a “surprise” and she said something along the lines of, “You didn’t have to do that for me…” I said, “Well I promised you I would send you something, so I did.” She said that she has a lot of mail that she hasn’t checked yet and that the notice slip is probably in the pile and if it’s not she’ll get a hold of me tonight and let me know.

She asked me what I’ve been up to, and I told her about Korea and the possibility of teaching English.  To wrap things up, I said, “What do you think?”  She said something along the lines of, “I don’t know, I wouldn’t consider it for the long-term.”  She seemed open to the possibility but sounded like she needed more info, or who knows, maybe she is making good money where she’s working now and doesn’t have an interest in exploring other possibilities.  I asked her what she has been up to… she said things have been super hectic.  I said, “So I heard you might be moving to North Carolina?” She said something along the lines of “we’ll see.”  She said she had to go after about 5 minutes.  It was a nice and short conversation.

I have to be honest, I really care for Ashley, and I miss her a lot.  She has my best interest at heart.  I am sincere in my devotions.  I think about her safety, her well-being, her success, her life, her decisions, and choices, etc.  I want to know how she’s doing and be there for her every step of the way.  I have great respect for Ashley as a person; I think she has a lot of potential for success and is a good person.  I want what Ashley has, and I also in many ways want to be her complimentary figure.

I have been in the kitchen making food for the last 10 minutes or so and thinking about how I want to be Ashley’s “go to” man so-to-speak… the person she turns to for consolation.  When she’s sad or just wants to talk about life, I want to be that person.  The connection we have is rare, and I understand that resentment and distrust can put a wedge between us, but there isn’t anything I cannot work on and that we cannot overcome as a pair.  As I’ve said to all of my girlfriends, “I will be your support –your strong tower;” I mean that, and I especially, particularly extend that welcome to Ashley.

If given the chance to “do it all over” again, I would.  I don’t care if that sounds “crazy” or unrealistic, because I believe –fully, in the impossible.  I believe in certain things, and when a connection is sparked, that is something that I don’t let go of… not easily, and when I do, it’s because I know that it’s for the best.  But with Ashley, I know that I have changed, and I am sure that she has changed too, and I want to see where that goes… as friends…

If all we ever are are friends then so be it; I will accept it and be grateful, but I know for a fact that this is a friendship that I want in my life.  Friendships are few far and in-between, and I want something significant, rare, and special.

I texted her just a few minutes ago, now that I am home and am making organic pasta and veggies and eating a healthy meal and said, “I’m making pasta and broccoli right now So good.  Look, I know that I haven’t been someone you’ve wanted to talk to and your favorite person, but I’m here for you and I care about you.  I have a lot of respect for your, Ashley, and I want good people in my life… People with good heart’s, like yourself, and a good head on their shoulders.”  I said, “I’d like you to reach out to me.  I know I wasn’t always the best person when you knew me, but I have changed.”

I ended the text like that, although now that it’s over with, I am wishing that I had said more, as the thought seems (feels) unfinished.  Maybe something like, “I know I wasn’t always the best person when you knew me, but I have changed, and I sincerely mean that,” etc.  Oh well.  She has not responded, nor did she respond to the two single texts I sent her after our conversation saying, “It was good hearing from you, thank you for picking up.”  “I’d like to hear about how you’re doing.” I have always said, in recent weeks, that if Ashley does not reach out to me soon then I am going to completely back off for my own well being.  It hurts me when she does not respond like this, and I have no clue –no indicator showing that she is not interested in talking to me via communication.

Ashley has always been someone to communicate, and so it honestly blows my mind that she has not spoken to me directly her wants/needs –her feelings, rather.  What is she doing, I ask?  I mean, I understand if someone is busy in their life, but at least let someone know that it’s not them and that you care about them.  I feel like I’m hanging with her… emotionally.  I just feel like I don’t know what’s going on, like I’ve been left in the dark.  It’s not even about me being desperate or longing, etc. but about me simply knowing what’s going on in my emotional affairs.

We all grow up and things change, but I am somebody, who in many ways, doesn’t change my very core attributes and basic makeup.  My sincerity and devotion rather.  My character has changed, as in I have grown up and matured, but my heart always stays the same.  The song, “Straight from the heart” by Bryan Adams just came to mind.  I do not lie, and I am very sincere, and I honestly pride myself on that.  I pride myself on being so emotionally revealing, and I look for that in all of my affairs.  I look for someone else with the same sensitivity, authenticity, and expressiveness.

One could argue that I am “hung up” on my ex.  For clarification-sake, Ashley is not my “ex,” and I promised her a long time ago that I would never call her that, and I have not.  I have followed-through with that simple request, which at time time seemed “trivial,” but that I now understand through growth and maturity.  I am caught up on the fact that we were close friends first and we had compatibility… in interests then, and now both values and interests.  Ashley does not know me now because she has not taken the time… she has not seen, ie: witnessed (like Jen has beautiful put it, leaving a thoughtful note on my windshield one day: “We all need a witness to our lives”).

Ashley has not witnessed my life for only but brief moments because she has turned her eyes and back away in many ways… I believe this to be related to resentment.  She is resentful for things that have happened, and have never healed from it (bless her heart) and as a result closed herself off to receiving.  How much longer can one hold onto something before it takes them and another a part?  I mean, I understand that with Erin and I for instance there is a ton of resentment, but she keeps on hurting me!  Erin keeps on lying, etc. but I have 100% completely changed as a person.  It is rare, like 10%, that someone changes… but I did because I realized I had a good thing.

Losing Ashley opened up my eyes… it had a profound effect on me, more than my own father’s death.  Ashley was there for me emotionally and physically.  She was a beautiful woman in my life, someone who cared about me and was sincere, and I was too underdeveloped to appreciate it.  I had unresolved grief.  You better believe that if I could take those moments back I would, and I would treat her via actions like she deserved.  I want nothing more than for Ashley to listen to me these days… by simply witnessing my life and showing a sincere interest in it.

If she’s stressed out then she can turn to me.  I understand that trust was severed, but I am a changed person and yet she has a wall, a wedge, even if invisible, placed between us, and I can feel it.  And I just keep on saying, “I want the person back that I knew…” I will say to myself, “I want my Ashley…” I want the person who saw me and cared for me and gave me that special attention.  She communicated to me how she felt, and she showed me… and I gave her little because I was quite simply young and immature.  I did not have the character that I do now.

Have you ever seen a movie about a man who started out as a boy, maybe even immature, and maybe he even got himself into trouble often in his youth, etc. but who grew up and was a leader?  He developed himself; life, experiences built him, shaping him.  I am shaped… but right now I am like a castle metaphorically-speaking, because I have walls up.  I too, like Ashley, have been hurt… bad.  I have received my fair share.  I am over with it, in my mind.  I want to move on, but I am stuck.  I am stuck so bad, and I just want some help, and I want a friend, someone who is trustworthy, warm, and sincere –who I can trust, to help me out.  What better person could there be than Ashley?

I understand she’s busy with her life, and that (my belief) that resentment is keeping us apart, and soon I will have to distance myself from her (not get or be “over” her, but just put her in the back of my mind) because it’s hurting me waiting for something that may or may not ever come, but in my mind it’s beginning to become an “I’m all alone in this life” mentality, and I don’t want that.  I remember a song that Ashley and I used to listen to, and it was called something like “Us against the world” and the title pretty much speaks for itself… but that “us” –that couple was Ashley and I, and we were a strong tower.  I don’t want to be on my own in that kind of way… not anymore, not now, now somehow.  I am tired of being alone emotionally… I have been alone for far too long.

The last time that I was emotionally engaged and connected was in 2006, and that was with Jen, and that wasn’t the healthiest relationship.  It has been that long (no exaggeration) since I have connected with someone.  I am not sure if it’s just because I am introverted and only connect with certain folks or because not a lot of folks have highly developed values, and moreover, live out those values, or because I have been isolated and in highly destructive relationships, but the point is, I’ve been “cold,” ie: on the outside for far too long.  I am hurting.

I need an ounce… a piece of bread… anything to help feed me, or rather match me (pair) emotionally.  I need to “dethaw” so-to-speak, for my shoulders to come down… to not always feel the need to carry this burden… this false, overdeveloped-sense of responsibility.  I need someone I can just jive with… go out with… connect with… have fun…. Humor.  I miss kayaking… camping… going to poetry… seeing open mic… concerts… plays… it’s been years, and I am in no way, shape, or form exaggerating.  I just need a freaking friend –excuse my language.

The problem that I keep running into is that not everyone is sincere and not everyone has highly developed values, and most of all, not everyone “walks the —their talk.”  I’m trying to “walk my talk;” I honestly need a boost.  Again, I need a friend, someone emotionally centered/based but who’s stable, warm and supportive… and positive.  –Who I can laugh with, tell jokes with, be crazy with, outlandish, etc.  I have not been able to be “myself” in God knows how long… years –no exaggeration.  “I’m dying each and every second that you’re gone.” -?  This song just came to mind…

“Best I ever had” by State of Shock

Now I know I messed up bad
You were the best I ever had
I let you down in the worst way
It hurts me every single day
I’m dying to let you know

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend

So many things I would take back
You were the best I ever had
I don’t blame you for hating me
I didn’t mean to make you leave

You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you’re gone
Now I know you’re the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

We fell in love for a reason
Now you’re leaving
And I just want you back
So many things we believed in
Now you’re leaving and words won’t bring you back
I’ll never let go of the heart I broke

You and I were living like a love song
Now I know you’re the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

I can’t believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can’t believe now that you’re gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were the best I ever had
I can’t believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can’t believe now that you’re gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were,
You were the best I ever had

The other day the part of the song that says, “You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you’re gone…” was running through my head nonstop out of nowhere.  I have dreams of this woman… I have woken up screaming her name before.  Before you call it “crazy” and/or judge and label it, lets just look at it simply… as grief maybe… as someone (myself) who lost a friend, someone that really mattered to them and their body –their mind, body, and soul is longing to be with this person…

I am listening to the song now because I wanted a refresher, and it’s making me sad… and I am really serious about stepping back.  It will hurt me more than anything, but it can’t be worse than not being responded to… basically ignored.  I know that she’s a busy person and has a lot “going on,” but I need some responsiveness… some genuine communication.  In the meantime, I will continue building my character and growing, learning, and developing.

My goal is to be a life coach/trainer/educator/facilitator/writer/author/motivational speaker, and teacher.  I will get there, and I am fully on my way.  I am capable.  I am strong.  I am honest, and I am true. I have integrity.