March 19th, 2011. May the fate prevail -step-by-step.


I met up today with Albert after he got off work and we talked about our lives and updated each other.  He told me about his son and vented his troubles, hopes, fears, etc. he’s been having with him, and I told him about how my mother talked my step-father out of helping me financially with my treatment for lyme disease and how my biological father insists I help myself because he claims to not have the extra money right now; mind you, he is paying megabucks for an overseas dating service and flying all over the world looking for a new, young, bright, wife in his new, hot convertible.

Albert and I concluded that I am pretty much on my own, and it’s a shame.  It honestly is really sad.  He said that there’s something seriously wrong with my “family,” but then again, we have known this.  He also said he feels this may be part of the reason Erin is taking advantage of me.  He said (he is from another country) that when men realize their wife is on their own and that their family does not support them, they look down on them and start taking advantage of them.  I told him that it should be the opposite of that, and that if the family does not support the partner, the partner should be mindful of that.  At any rate, that is not the case.

With that being said, I am in a dependent situation due to my poor health, and am not receiving any support from all directions.  I have fortunately thought up a plan, and I am going to try my hardest to stick to it.  It goes like this:

1.  Treatment
2.  Job
3.  Home
4.  Support
5.  Vision

Basically my treatment recovery comes first before all else.  I need to get myself back to a place where I can be able to work again and be productive so that I can eventually get out on my own, in an area (community) that I can be proud of, ie: Burlington, North Carolina, California, etc.  Likely Burlington or North Carolina.  I have never lived in North Carolina, but if it’s anything like Vermont I think I would be happy there.  I love trees and mountains and liberalism.

At any rate, then will come the vision, which I believe as long as I take all of the right steps in the right direction, will fulfill itself.  I will be happy — in my family and career.  I will be in a place of optimal productivity — this is the plan.  I fully believe in this plan and do not see there being a problem as long as I take the necessary steps that I need to to get better.

I wanted to share these 3 videos, in this order, because they just came to mind:



I have never really experienced love.  It is just a concept.  It is sad that I do not have a family that I can reach out to — that both sides of my family have basically left me estranged.  There must be a lesson in all of this because sometimes the tragedy is such an atrocity that shakes me at my very core that it doesn’t even seem worth living.  It’s a hard “pill to swallow.”  I have thus turned to friends as “family” and unfortunately many of the “friends” I have chosen have taken advantage of me and partners unfit to be partners.

What this all comes down to for me is self-respect.  I will have to do it on my own and see what I am made of.  I believe this is character-building.  I am being shaped, and there is a lesson to learn.  I am strong, and I am also compassionate.  I am outspoken and have a strength and tenacity that is rare.  I am strong and vulnerable at the same time.  I am capable.  I am a survivor and will excel and succeed in my own right.  I will set-forth standards for myself and follow them.  Ashley was right when she said, “Emily your core issue that you can do it alone..but don’t believe that you can.”

“Life Of My Own” by 3 Doors Down.

Living risky,
never scared, wander
Closer to the edge
Nothing valued think no fear,
Always wondering why you’re here
All your purposes are gone, nothing’s
Right and nothing’s wrong
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
Feel no sorrow, feel no pain
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms,
Let me live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast
Falling faster, time goes by,
Fear is not seen through these eyes
What there was will never be,
Now I’m blind and cannot see
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way,
And I’ll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life.

The – my vision is what will carry me.  In this “sink or swim” world, I will swim.  “They’ll have to beat it out of me,” I think to myself.  I will surrender only to one thing – God.  I will submit only to God and under “good orderly” direction, those trusted – far few and in-between.  The human spirit is resilient.

I have never had a family, and it is that very thing that motivates me.  I am like a star too hard to follow.  I will chart my own path and leave dust.  “Chalk it up.”  I have what it takes -I am capable of getting out of this position and moving to a position of greater freedom and happiness.  I want to pray to God right now.  “God, whatever I have done to deserve ill, poor health, I am sorry.  Please allow me to learn the lesson so that I can move on and do something good with my life.”

“Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast” – 3 Doors Down.

No one will hold me down.  I will prevail.  I will take this step-by-step, day-by-day to free myself from this mess, this cage, this “mess” that I have got myself in.  I know that there is a lesson, spiritual in nature, for me to learn.  I will learn it, and I will move forward.

March 11th, 2011. Car being sold to pay lyme disease treatment.


I have not asked my adoptive parents for money in literally years — at least 4 years (freshman year of college), and my biological father I have; however, he has not agreed to help me with anything except with school, which I have finished.  Mind you, both sets of my parents are well-off, both owning their own businesses and making really good money.

As of tomorrow I have to sell my car in order to pay for lyme disease treatment.  Lyme disease treatment is a few thousand dollars and can be up to thousands and thousands if the oral antibiotics do not work and intravenous IV’s are needed.  My car is a really good car and has been exceptionally maintained.  I have literally put over $3,000 dollars into the car and have every single receipt for it.  It has an absolute zero accident history and clean carfax report.  The car has held up really well and is extremely reliable.

I am upset that I have to sell my car now in order to pay for treatment, and it’s a shame because it is going to jeopardize my independence, financial security, and ability to find a job.

My mother has helped my 40-something year-old brother out, providing him with $800.00 a week, etc. whenever he needs help because he’s currently going through financial difficulty, yet I, her own daughter, is sick and she is unwilling to help me with a medical necessity.  No good mother with a decent heart would ever allow her child –again, who has not asked or received money for her in years, to go untreated with a chronic illness.

Goodbye car: