May 31st, 2012 Update – Blah

I am feeling very much so in a very “stuck” place in my life right now… kind of like the “4 of cups” tarot card.  That, is how I feel.  I for one am NOT losing any weight, despite how often I exercise and how healthy I eat.  I attribute it to my thyroid, which I believe I am under medicated for.  June 4th I drive to Indianapolis to file to get medical care at the walk-in clinic because it’s one of the only clinics in Indiana that is 90% income-based.  From there, I will likely have to wait 2-3 weeks to even get in with a doctor.  Yes, an hour and a half each direction ($50 in gas for my beast) to do paperwork alone; then, another drive to see the doctor.

Needless to say, the process is very frustrating.  Erin and I are both struggling financially right now, and I have so much potential, and I am apparently not living it up.  I know that Erin and I are not meant to be together, and I know for a fact that I am still in love with Ashley.  Erin and I are together right now only to help each other out financially, and unfortunately Erin owes me $7,000 and going up per month.  I am basically paying all of our bills, and we are almost flat broke.

I do not want to work for anyone.  I hate working for people, and it is completely stifling.  I cannot ever seem to find a job that I enjoy when it involves working for or under someone.  I am wanting to work for myself and be fully independent.  It is easier said than done, but everyone around me seems to own their own business… meaning, everyone in my family – they are all self-sufficient, and half of them didn’t even graduate college!  Granted, my father and my sister have Master’s Degree’s, but no one else, and they are making over 100K a year.

My biological father makes 6 figures a year.  All of them do it (the work) on their own, and of course, they have hired people.  But they are CEO’s.  I am not sure what’s going on with my life as to why I cannot seem to make ends meet for myself right now, but it’s the student loans that are killing me… I owe $714 a month in student loans… I can barely even afford to make rent + utilities, let alone student loans or anything else.

I am having a bad day today.  I have “stuff,” literally everywhere… and “stuff” has NOT made us money.  We have good stuff, too, but apparently this is not what we’re “meant” to do.  I am trying to narrow my focus down to only what’s important, and I feel like I am doing this all the time.  I am getting down the basics… and I prefer it that way, yet I am not happy about where I currently am in life.

It would seem the only option for Erin and I to be financially secure is to go to South Korea for 1 year in January and teach English… where she can pay me back then, and I can at least put a little money aside.  There isn’t anything in the United States here for me right now… I need to get this debt down.  I am also depressed I think about this whole Ashley thing… I am really sad (and angry) – I suppose it’s grief, that she is not in my life.

I am angry that she just walked out of my life when I, and really, each other had been there for each other for years.  I was going to buy her a plane ticket once to a personal growth psychology conference in Colorado… I had the money then, and I knew she would love that.  She said I was “nuts.”  I am very generous when it comes to time and resources in terms of people I truly love.  Of course now I would not be in a position to do that, however, I was then.  What’s changed?  Student loan money ran out… and I have paid Erin’s bills.

When Erin works, she cheats.  It’s a double-edged whammy for me.  I cannot trust her anywhere… this “relationship,” as I have said many times before, is virtually non-existent.  But I am here, for now, because I can’t make it on my own, either, to survive.  …until, as I said, we go to Korea, where the money is guaranteed and housing paid, so I can afford to cut down on some of the debt.  1 year in Korea and then I shall be good to go for a while.

Student loan companies and student loans in general are a complete joke.  They rip people off.  They do not work with you at all, not “private” companies at least, ie: Sallie Mae’s private loans.  Unfortunately I have a bunch of them because my parent’s made “too much money” for me to qualify for federal aid, at the time I applied for college, the first couple years.  Very aggravating… ill despite the fact that I never saw a penny from my family, student loan companies took this into account.

So I said, “I don’t care, I am going to go to school,” and I took out the private loans.  Now debt hangs over my head, and we, people, dream of ways to pay it off.  I am highly capable so I am not sure what’s going on here… why I am struggling?  I am not inspired, and I am honestly wanting Ashley to come back into my life as a friend.  I want to do fun things together… to talk… about everything.  I am sick of the lame people here in Lafayette (literally) – they are all ignorant.  Nobody shares the same interests as us here… ie, organic, health food, exercise, progressive politics, etc.  Just “progressive!”  It’s… all in Bloomington, and even then, I’m not sure if it would be like in Vermont, or more “progressive” states.

I just feel… “blah” right now.  My family does not talk to me… my brother, sister, mother, Amy, cousins, etc.  It’s as though, literally, ever since I went to VT, everyone has cut me off… okay, so I have different beliefs… your point?  They have ex-communicated me.  I am not exaggerating.  I am ignored and flat-out not invited to family get togethers and gatherings.  Do you know how sad this is?

Anyway, I want to go because I want to try and work out my never-changing stomach… at another shot to correct something that can’t be corrected with out the proper medication, which, at this point, is just a “waiting” period, ie:  June/July doctor.