Crazy coincidences…


So curiosity has struck me because I keep seeing “Illinois” plates EVERYWHERE, and Erin suggested that it might be Ashley “thinking” about me.  This started on Memorial Day, and it’s been nuts – like, they will randomly jump out in front of me and are literally EVERYWHERE.  Anyway, so tonight, I can’t remember what prompted me, I googled Ashley’s name and stuff with her mother came up.  Before I go there, I wanted to say that it said Ash lives in Chicago… “Mylife” pretty much reveals everywhere you have lived… it even mentioned that Ash lived in Wisconsin..

So a few things… first off, I think it is very eerie that Ashley’s mom was on the news a couple years ago and traded in her silver dollars… when I literally collect them and buy them off people.  I literally (call it “luck” or what – actually, I think it’s karma, because I had some stolen from me in the past) paid $22 for 3 of them, and they together are worth $2,000.  The guy at the Fairgrounds said that he thought they were “fake,” but they turned out to be real!

Anyway, so here’s the news article I found with Teresa (Ash’s mother) selling them:  http://www.wlfi.com/dpp/on_the_money/people-seeking-alternative-ways-to-find-extra-holiday-cash  She got ripped off MAJORLY by the way, but that’s another story.  I collect them, and I would have given her $50 a piece for them!  Some of them can be worth good money.

Excited by what I had discovered, I bravely and likely in vain, sent Teresa a Facebook message that reads:

  • Emily A Cox
  • 21 minutes ago

    • Teresa,

      Hey, I saw your news article on the news. I actually buy silver dollar coins for $50 a piece. It looks like you sold quite a few! If you get anymore, I will buy them off of you.

      I hope you have been doing well, there are some great changes at Twkyenham! The pool is about to open, and I am super excited!

      I had a dream that you got a house! I hope you are doing well, and enjoying your new place.

      -Emily A Cox”

Anyway, then the saddest thing came up… and I have been thinking about, and have actually thought about this, several times… Ashley’s dearest grandmother… she passed away… exactly what I was afraid of.  Article:  http://hosting-5049.tributes.com/show/Ruth-M.-Leader-91169949

I want to apologize to Ashley for not being there… I didn’t have any idea she had passed sine Ashley cut me off right around the time of this article… if I had known that, I would have literally, flown to this funeral and been there with Ashley.  I am not exaggerating; I would do anything for that woman, and to support her… her grandmother was such a beautiful, nice, strong woman.  She died around the time Ashley and I met… “March.”  Granted, 8 years later.  Still, I do not remember the last time that I heard from Ashley…

The last conversation I had with her was while I was at the mall in New Jersey with Erin shopping for Mac’s… we had gone to the Mac store, then to the Disney store (for Erin), then to a food equipment store, and I had called Ashley somewhere in between… I think in the Disney store… and I had told her that I would be going to South Korea to teach English.  I am not sure of the month, but I honestly think it was right around the time her grandmother had passed… I had/have never heard from Ashley since, except that she no longer wanted to talk with me should my “feelings” come between her and a “future” relationship.

I wish I had the email from Ashley that she sent me departing our own ways, but I don’t… I closed the account… I might actually have it in a blog, I would have to check… Irregardless, I am shocked to learn that her grandmother passed, and I am more saddened than anything to have not been able to be a part of Ashley’s support during this trying phase, especially since she was there when my father passed away.

Article #2:  http://www.journalreview.com/obituaries/article_1a760b4c-534c-11e0-95d8-001cc4c03286.html

I just signed the guestbook… I will probably go and pay my respects and put flowers on her grave soon.

Some errie coincidences are coming up with this search… As I posted in a previous entry, I had a dream that Teresa bought a house… well, on one of the searches it says a house was either sold or purchased on April 21st 2012 to Teresa via Majestic Homes – IF it’s the same Teresa!  Weird weird weird… I do not have a connection like this with anyone else… the only two other experiences I have had were with my stray cat, “Buckeye,” 15 years ago and my ex, Jen… so strange.  Only Ashley.

THEN the woman who baptized me (My mother’s BEST friend) comes up: Dr. Sally Downham Miller – AEI Speakers Bureau, still in the “Teresa” search… what the hell! …ofall people!  Creepy!  Yeah… “Majestic HOME” sale:

2450 Estancia Lane Majestic Custom Homes of Lafayette Inc. Teresa A. Hull 3/15/2012 Lafayette $155,450.00 $300.00

2450 Estancia Lane… I am sorry, but this cannot get any creepier.  I dream of this woman… well, Ashley, not her mother, obviously ;)  …although, as I said, I dreamt that she purchased a house… in fact, I honestly want to go back and see when I dreamt it, because it may (actually, it was) right around the time that she purchased it!  I mean, I have had dreams of Ashley, where I am screaming her name… like, waking up and screaming her name.  I had one dream like this, and it was extremely powerful and intense.

I also had a dream that Ashley was coming to visit home, and sure enough, she did!  …the next day!  Erin swears we are meant to be.  Anyway, I have to go check this out.  As for everything else going on, a lot.  Re-instated, I picked up a part-time job to help supplement some money until South Korea next year :)  1 year in Korea, and I should be in a much better financial position!

Okay, ta ta!

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Continued feelings…


It’s been less than 2 minutes, and I still feel like I need to write (get out) my feelings about Ashley possibly being gone… I don’t know for sure, but I am pretty sure she has moved, and I am going to accept the worst.  Her mother’s “welcome” mat is still outside and her plants, but the porch looks more empty, and the plants are scattered and thrown about and the padlock on the outside storage isn’t latched shut (you can see it when you walk by).

I am really sad, and I don’t know what to think or what to do with myself.  I had hopes, and I was hoping to spot one another at the pool this summer.  I was ready to start all over.  I moved back here, coincidentally moved into the same apartment complex (we got a good deal, that’s why – and I suppose on some subconscious level it was also to attempt to “resolve” things), and now she’s leaving?  …or has left?

I just don’t get it.  Life tortures me enough with seeing her (Erin and I saw her for like 3 times) and then takes her away… another loss in my life.  I am so tired of losses.  I just got into an accident a week ago.  That was a loss… Erin and I hit a deer.  Our car was damaged.  Then our selling accounts got hacked and because they were hacked, we lost our selling privileges.

To make a long story short, life just sucks right now.  I am trying to keep my spirits up, but I don’t know how to handle this… and it’s like nothing around me, literally, in my apt, matters or could take away this pain that I feel… I feel sick… to my stomach.  As if it wasn’t bad enough that I heard through the grapevine that Ash moved to Chicago, but now her mother is entirely gone out of our apartment complex?  I guess I will officially find out tomorrow, or at least I will try.  I’m going to call the apt. complex and find out if that apartment is vacant.  Do I want to know?

I honestly think a part of me came to Lafayette (moved back) to try to resolve unresolved wounds with Ashley… and with my family, but that’s another story.  Now I am back here, and I am really trying to keep a positive mindset, but I am hurting by relationships… I feel a lot of pain surrounding and dealing with my relationships.  Things just aren’t working out… we aren’t choosing the right kinds of people to hang out with, and it’s very difficult to figure out where to meet like-minded people.

I am frustrated and am regretting not putting a note on Ashley’s car…. maybe she was waiting for it.  Either way, she would have appreciated it, despite the fact that she is consciously pushing me away.  “Shake it off,” by Florence and the Machine – go listen to it… it explains it.  Ash could sing it to or about me.  Who would have thought?

Ash’s mom has lived here for years… literally years.  And she’s gone (At least I think she is).  I just don’t get it.  2003- now.  We move in and now she leaves.  Maybe Ash really doesn’t want to see me… why and what did I do that was so bad that she would, literally out of nowhere, just cut me off?  Goyte-  “Somebody I used to know.”  Google that one, too.  Am I not supposed to love?  Is Ash’s mom getting married?  Maybe she moved in with him, and/or they got a house together?

I just don’t get it… and I hate, with a passion, change.  I think I need support right now… like a lot… emotional.  I would try and go back to Alanon meetings because there is a lot of emotional support offered there, but it’s different… it’s about grieving the loss of your partner, friend, family member, etc. drinking.  It’s not about love/hurt/general grief.

So I don’t know… what to say or do anymore.  I seriously feel a hole inside of me from this grief I’m feeling.  I really don’t want to get all down, but I officially don’t know how to “shake” this.  I think I want to take a walk tonight and see (hope) if she maybe moved to another building… I know that when we first moved here I was told by Crystal that she moved building (and she did), so maybe she moved again… although I think that’s wishful thinking.

I know I am thinking the worse and not having much faith, but I just need to sit on this.  I honestly probably just need to be alone.  Music… camping… all the things that mattered… like really mattered, at this moment in time, do not seem to matter.  And as I said in my last entry, I just purchased a new vehicle today, a vehicle actually made for camping and fun, and it just doesn’t seem to matter what-so-ever compared to how I feel right now.

I just don’t feel like I have a lot of support right now.  Literally, my family does not support me in any way.  My biological father won’t even talk to me he’s so self-absorbed… my mother (technically my aunt) is just nuts… she freaks out about the smallest stuff and is so image-focused you’d never guess a single thing is wrong.  Did I say “perfectionist,” too?  She has my sister (and brother now) wrapped around her finger.  She’s is so utterly dependent on my step father that she won’t leave him because she fears she won’t make it on her own because she married young and didn’t go to college – housewife in that day and age.

Anyway, I don’t know… I am just feeling uninspired right now and frustrated.  I guess I am going to have to rely on my Higher Power.  I am going to have to re-frame/refocus my thinking.  This is a HUGE setback.

I am going to go now, and I will probably (most likely) write again since I am so bothered.  I also probably won’t be very talkative tonight in person.  I just want to go for a walk now.  I need to clear my mind, but if I begin/continue to feel these feelings I don’t know what I am going to do.  I don’t exactly have a “circle” of support out here.

 

April 3, 2012. Sad news.


So I am feeling really depressed right now.  Or maybe extremely “blah” is another word.  I think that Ashley and her mother moved, or to be technical, Ashley’s mom, which means I won’t see Ashley anymore, and would explain why I haven’t seen Ashley for about 6 weeks.  I saw her several times in January, and that’s about it.  Did she move because of us?  Her mother never like me because she thought I turned Ashley gay.  She called me a “dyke” all the time.  Anyway, Ashley knew we moved here because I had texted her, and she pretended as though her phone number was invalid.  Funny, I called the number and it was her voicemail, and I know better.

At any rate, she has completely ignored me for maybe about a year now?  I don’t understand… but I am more sad than anything, and I feel literally sick to my stomach now.  I haven’t seen her mother’s car in about 2 weeks, or at least 2 weeks or so ago was when it was really brought to my attention.  I am beginning to have regrets and think that maybe I should have put something on Ash’s car when she came to visit… “maybe I blew it?” Again I think…

The porch outside of her apt just looks plain… I’m not sure if anything has been removed or not, but something is definitely different.  There are two plants outside and they look all dead and dried up and are moved/pushed forward, and the storage shed has a lock that is hanging on the latch open.  Her welcome mat is still outside the door, but that doesn’t mean anything.  I am sick to my stomach, and I am sad.  I was really inspired knowing Ashley still lived here…

I had plans of getting all in shape and the hope of running into her at the pool.  I really hate this shit.  Excuse my language, but I literally feel sick to my stomach.  I have never liked change, and this just blows.  Any connection I even have remotely to Ashley is pretty much broken, too.  Sarah is not talking to me though she agreed to add me to her friend’s list, Crystal (Ash’s ex, who I actually hooked her up with) flat-out deleted me off her friend’s list for no absolute reason what-so-ever on her birthday, Jen (Ash’s ex, the first one who she was with when Ash and I actually met) says she wants to hang out all the time but never does and seems embarrassed to be my friend (she flipped out about me sharing a picture that was public of her and some of our mutual friends being dorky).

I just don’t feel like I have any other gateway “in,” and yet, I have no idea why Ashley actually cut me out of her life, but it was out of nowhere, and feelings for one another have been mutual, and not changed the least bit, so it doesn’t make any sense.

I guess life is going to have to go on… now I am going to have to take (experience) a loss.  I really hate this, and I wish so badly I could turn back the hands of time… I feel really depressed right now.

I feel alone, and all I want is to feel connected again… how am I going to get my inspiration back without her even close?  I feel like it has officially ended now, and I am sick to my stomach.

Forget the fact that we just traded our car today and have a better car, more suitable for work purposes, I completely forgot.  I don’t even want to walk anymore… outside… nothing.  My last bit of hope has just been shattered.

March 11th, 2011. Car being sold to pay lyme disease treatment.


I have not asked my adoptive parents for money in literally years — at least 4 years (freshman year of college), and my biological father I have; however, he has not agreed to help me with anything except with school, which I have finished.  Mind you, both sets of my parents are well-off, both owning their own businesses and making really good money.

As of tomorrow I have to sell my car in order to pay for lyme disease treatment.  Lyme disease treatment is a few thousand dollars and can be up to thousands and thousands if the oral antibiotics do not work and intravenous IV’s are needed.  My car is a really good car and has been exceptionally maintained.  I have literally put over $3,000 dollars into the car and have every single receipt for it.  It has an absolute zero accident history and clean carfax report.  The car has held up really well and is extremely reliable.

I am upset that I have to sell my car now in order to pay for treatment, and it’s a shame because it is going to jeopardize my independence, financial security, and ability to find a job.

My mother has helped my 40-something year-old brother out, providing him with $800.00 a week, etc. whenever he needs help because he’s currently going through financial difficulty, yet I, her own daughter, is sick and she is unwilling to help me with a medical necessity.  No good mother with a decent heart would ever allow her child –again, who has not asked or received money for her in years, to go untreated with a chronic illness.

Goodbye car:

February 12th, 2011. 2 Barriers: Now 1. The “Emotional.” Grief block.


I am livid right now.  I am sick and tired of Erin’s bulshit.  We got into a huge fight today because she would not send me her work schedule.  Now, before you sit here and think, “She is her own person and doesn’t have to send you her schedule,” or “She’s entitled to her privacy,” or “She’s not obligated to send you her schedule,” understand that Erin has betrayed my trust multiple times –flat out lied to me, and here is where it comes into play — listen closelyErin agreed to be honest with me about some things and she also agreed to share her schedule with me since she has lied multiple times about the hours in which she’s worked.  Granted, I had to pull a tooth and a nail for her to agree to this –to simply be honest, which I am greatly resentful for because I do not believe that it is, or should be, my responsibility to hold her accountable.

If someone is dishonest they should agree to be honest and follow-through with that agreement; if they choose to not follow-through, they are a coward.  Repeatedly, and quite honestly, I should not stay (this is where my problem comes into play, and that’s a whole other issue).  I am not saying this judgmentally, but quite simply, literally.  Look it up.

She has lied to me and has posed no solution to correct the behavior.  I have had to come up with solutions because she refuses to take responsibility for her actions.  So story goes like this… I come up with solutions; she agrees to follow them, and then bails.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and of holding her accountable because she refuses to take responsibility for her behavior.  I have, since I have known Erin, always said to her, “I wish someone would hold you on the ‘wall,'” and what I mean by this metaphor is that I wish someone would hold her accountable for her actions because she refuses.  After all, Erin (quote) “Does what I want when I want” -Erin S.  Her selfish behavior prevails and blows my mind.

The reason I have stayed, and I have said this before and will say it again is because I am living here with her and am trying to make the most out of this situation.  I am living here for two reasons:  1, financial, and 2, emotional (illusion).  Financially we have agreed to just be roommates, and 2.  There are still “hopes” (on my part; likely on hers, as well — in some realm) that things will work out.  I strongly detest interpersonal conflict and wish to have it resolved right away, so I am trying to make the situation right.  I cannot seem to accept the fact that things cannot and won’t change.  I seem to think “There’s always a way.” Well, the truth is, there may not always be a way, because there’s a time and place, but in my mind, there is, and I cannot seem to wrap my head around it or understand it any other way.

The result:  I keep on trying, similar to the card “2 of swords” in the tarot, which namely represents denial.  I am in strong denial here, and I sort of feel like I have to be (8 of swords) because I do not feel like I can afford to live anywhere else (except for Korea) and because my emotions are so incredibly involved and the thought of separating from Erin physically devastates me.  To say the least, I am involved in a highly codependent relationship and situation.  I am extremely bothered and know that I have options but am lacking the courage to act on them.  Between fearing that I cannot financially support myself and being extremely attached to Erin, I stay put.  I keep saying that if “X, Y, and Z” happen then I will leave…

The assumption is that “X, Y, and Z,” ie: another person, the lottery, inheritance, etc. would happen to me then these things would give me the strength to leave.  To  be honest, however, I am not sure that even an inheritance would help me to walk away from this situation because the emotions would still be attached.  So then there’s the “You could date someone else” response which my counselor actually suggested.  I keep on telling her that I do not feel like this is a viable option because I do not believe that it would be healthy.  I basically need to be (emotionally and physically) on my own.  Emotionally detached from Erin but obviously maintain (first form lol) friends and support, ie: coworkers, etc.

But my counselor keeps suggesting the idea of dating someone new.  At any rate, I do not think this would be a good idea.  Needless to say, the result ends up being that I stay locked in one place.  I bitch and complain to “Bobby,” “Rob,” and “Dorthy” (examples) and yet I stay stationary.  I sit here, and I honestly ask myself, “What is it going to take for me to move?” I have this amazing Korea opportunity which everyone seems to favor (not that their opinion truly matters in this situation because I am naturally actually starting to trust and use my own logic to think things through) but I am too scared to leave because of the emotions involved with Erin… so financial independence as an option aside, the problem now becomes the emotional ties.

It has not helped that Erin and I have been really close lately physically… remember, as long as I live here, or we live together, the “peace” will attempt to be created thus causing enmeshment, fighting, wishful thinking, etc. because in my mind that is the only option for living together; I need “peace.”  Erin and I have been spending a lot of time together the past few days and have been getting along exceptionally well.  At any rate, she tried to kiss me last night, and I actually went through with it.  Granted, it was just a little peck (no tongue) but I did not use my head like I normally would.  I think what ends up happening is that things will be really bad between us and then when things are good, I give in.  It would seem that the worse things are, that when she “throws me a biscuit” so-to-speak, I dive right in.

It’s this weird “cycle” that I can’t describe.  All I know is that it never changes, and I feel like a tire spinning in the mud.  I am clearly stuck like the song “Sick cycle carousel:” I posted on my blog about a year ago back in May or July.  So the solution is courage… and that is what I seem to lack.  Korea is always an opportunity… they hire year-around; however, I want to leave in March or April because that seems like a good “time” for me (I love the spring, and it’s a time of new beginnings and starts) but the emotions (attachment issues) with Erin are keeping me from acting.  I am somewhat happy that one part –the financial, is already taken care of, because now I just need to work on the emotional so that I can free myself of this mess.  The problem is I don’t know how I’m going to free myself of the emotional baggage except through someone else which is what my counselor has been suggesting.

I told Nadine that I do not think this is the “right” thing to do and she seems to disagree.  She keeps giving me the impression that if I find someone else with whom I am compatible, emphasizing the compatibility issue and further reinforcing the fact that Erin and I are not “compatible” –that has the qualities that I am looking for, ie: honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment then it will be right.  “But…” I ask as well as say to myself… “…”  “What will I do about the grief with Erin?” Dating someone else is not just going to make it go away!  I want to say, “Don’t we have to alone with the grief?” ie, single and outside of a romantic relationship.  One could argue “yes;” another could argue “no.”  I mean, I guess we all have baggage that we carry around and we always will have baggage so/but I imagine we can’t just stay alone (single) forever, right?  …until we’re finally over each and every person and each and every incident in our lives?  See, this is where I am torn.

So yeah… if it’s presumed that the financial will be taken care of, ie: Korea, and the emotional is the only problem, how can I resolve and tackle this issue?  Another rebuttal counselor Nadine brought up when I indicated disapproval to the dating someone else idea was just spending a lot of time away from Erin, ie: in my bedroom, etc.  Honestly, that’s nice in theory, but I am not sure how feasible it is.  Whenever Erin and I are around each other in the house, I want to spend time with her, and yet whenever we are apart I am constantly worrying (for legit purposes) that she is out pursuing someone else, and it does not matter if we are not technically “together” or not because of the unresolved hurt which keeps me engaged in the cycle.  There is so much pain, attachment, and grief that it’s nearly impossible to move forward… I honestly think I am going to try and read more “grief” articles and articles on separation and divorce because this is what it feels like for me.  Apparently I do have serious attachment issues.

Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of wasting my life and potential being stuck in relationships that are unfulfilling and not what I want, ie: in line with my values (honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment, and shared interests) yet I am not necessarily too “afraid” to physically leave here per se, especially now that I have an opportunity to go to Korea, but rather, have zero clue about how to get past the emotional piece… the grief.  I honestly feel like my emotions are/have gotten the “best” so-to-speak of me, and this is honestly where and why I wish that Ashley was in my life right now as a best friend… honestly, any beautiful woman who’s intelligent and encouraging because I think it would inspire me.  I just need someone who I see these beautiful traits (honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment) in so that I can know it’s “out” there and then begin to move forward.

Am I going about this backwards?  I can’t think of any other solutions… it is pretty laid out… I am fortune enough to have this opportunity in Korea where the financial piece is taken care of, but the emotional is proving challenging.  It would seem the solutions are pretty simply laid out:  1.  Spend time away from Erin physically or 2.  Date someone else.  1 is extremely hard for me and 2 would seem and feel wrong.  I often feel like Erin starts fights or gets upset with me to have “reason” to emotionally and physically be away from me.  She literally will get to close to me and things will be going “well” –whatever that means, and then the next thing I know, she’s pushing away, furthermore engaging in this push/pull cycle.

I hate that Erin is not honest.  I hate that she makes false, empty promises that she cannot keep.  I hate that I am in this situation because I, in many ways, do not feel that I have another choice.  I obviously have objective 1 taken care of, ie: the financial, yet objective 2 I cannot seem to get past.  There is always a barrier it seems.  I need help.  If I can’t seem to stay away from Erin when we’re physically around each other then what else am I supposed to do?  …latch onto someone else as my counselor had suggested only worded and intended more maturely?  My counselor actually conveyed the message that it would be a good and healthy action/experience because the person would have the qualities that I am looking for, but how can I even begin to attract this if I am not more independent?

I understand that is a fear of mine, ie: “If I am not independent I will not attract anyone,” but it is a legit one… How can I possibly attract a beautiful young woman if I am in a dependent spot?  And what am I supposed to say to her when she asks, or it comes up in conversation, “Where are you living, Emily?” Imagined response:  “Oh, with my ex girlfriend and her father…” Do you know how unattractive that is?  See, what people don’t understand is that I am actually very independent; I am naturally a very independent and strong-willed person, but I am just in a bad (less than favorable, rather) situation right now, and I am afraidI don’t know how to overcome my grief (The problem!).  I don’t know how to stay away from Erin physically first off when we’re in the same house, which seems pretty damn basic, and I don’t know how to grieve, especially when there’s a constant threat of her “acting out,” ie: dating someone else, hooking up with someone, signing up for a dating site, etc. and me feeling/experiencing the rejection (she has acted insensitively for all but 4 months of our 3 year “relationship” now) all over again.

So I feel trapped although I know I am not.  At any rate, it would be fair to say that I am trapped in my feelings, or more accurately, grief.  I am frozen with indecision and inhibition.  I am paralyzed.  I am angry, resentful, in denial, etc. –just wanting things to be okay, and the the truth is, they’re not.  I just don’t feel like any woman is going to be attracted to me given my current situation.  I mean, I cannot imagine a healthy woman dating a man who is still living at home, and especially not a man who’s living with his ex, and so why on earth would anyone see or treat my situation any differently?  I will tell you right now however, that if I did date/find a woman, I would be loyal 100% to her.  I do not have a problem with loyalty.  When someone has swept me away and captured my attention, I am theirs 100%.  I will not play games with someone who treats me right.

I often say, “If Ashley ever took me back, I would be back with her in a heart beat and she would never have to worry about the things she did before,” ie: me leaving her because I had not grieved my ex.  Granted, I was 19, but that experience nevertheless changed my life.  Honest-to-God, if Ashley ever came back to me and asked me to be with her again, I would be with her in a heartbeat, and I would be 100% faithful to her.  Faithfulness has never been an issue with me.  My problem was that I left Ashley when I was 19 to go back to my ex with whom I had unresolved grief.  Ashley and I ended up rebounding with one another.  We were both in rocky situations, where in my case, my partner was cheating on me with my ex-best friend! –and Ashley’s partner too busy smoking weed all day to give her the attention she deserved, and Ashley and I turned to each other as friends for solace, and ended up dating about a month later.

At any rate, we both became involved too quickly, and I had not grieved my ex, Sarah.  Sarah could not stand the fact that I was with Ashley and she tried everything in her power to get me back.  I had not grieved Sarah, nor was I very mature at 19, and so I naively and regretfully took her back only to be cheated on again by her with the same woman a month later and then several others, both men and women, in the course of the remaining 2.5 years that I would ‘choose’ to stay with her!  During this time, I put up with things that I never should have allowed myself to put up with.  Although there is no excuse for this, in retrospect, I think I subconsciously allowed this because Sarah constantly guilted me about leaving her for Ashley, but she was cheating on me so anyone would have wanted to get away from that!  But the right thing probably would have been to be alone, and honestly, that was my –and Ashley’s intention, but it ended up turning into a relationship.

Sarah was very selfish.  I also stayed with her, because similar to the situation with Erin, I wanted things to be better between Sarah and I.  I had felt rejected for being cheated on, and I took it personally.  The same exact thing has happened with Erin.  Instead of taking these women’s behavior personally I should have been able to step back and see it as their problem and completely unacceptable, but I didn’t –I let my emotions get the best of me.

So here I am… 7 years later, and I have an opportunity to do things “differently.”  Do I?  Have I?  No.  Why?  Up until 1.5 years ago, literally, I did not know what I wanted in a relationship… I had no clue what a healthy relationship consisted of.  Now, after having dated Erin and having had the negative experiences I’ve had, I know what I want.  Additionally, I think I have attachment issues.  I have a hard time letting go of an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship… I think this is because it sort of mocks the relationship I had with my mother and the “messages” that I learned from her growing up.  I learned from my her that I was not worthy of deserving to be loved.  My mother was not emotionally available to me and would often say and do very hurtful things to me like call me a “bitch,” hit me with the remote control, throw it at me, pull my hair with the hair brush, slap me, stand me up, etc., and so this was the behavior that I learned and along with that came subconscious messages, which I carried with me into adulthood and into all my relationships.

I can recognize this on an intellectual level, and I am just beginning to recogize it on an intellectual level, but changing the behaviors and messages is an entirely different story and requires work.  I need someone to help me with that work; the problem is I don’t trust anyone to help me because the very people I have trusted most –into my inner sanctum–, ie: Syndee E. have hurt me beyond measure.  Syndee, my former “therapist” was a sociopath, ie: antisocial personality disorder.  If you are unfamiliar with a sociopath I would suggest doing a little research on it.  At any rate, she sucked me dry for over $5,000 out-of-pocket in therapy and left me with more than a scar.  I ended up regressing at the end of our 3 year rendezvous.  The case went legal.

So yeah… when trust, something so very basic, has been shattered, I am honestly not sure how, and if, and when, it will, or can be regained/re-established.  I am really going to need words and actions to match up and for “actions to speak louder than words” when it comes to folks in order for me to ever trust again.  And people honestly wonder why I hang onto Ashley and Ashley’s and I’s “relationship” and that’s because she was the only person who ever followed-through on her words.  She was very big on fulfilling and living up to her potential.  I could always count on and rely on Ashley, and I highly respected her.  She was warm, sympathetic, supportive, and always there –firm and steady.  I need that in my life, and want to attract people like that.

Yet another cold and [baffling] reality “hits” me as I write tonight and that’s that Ashley is not here… ie, in my life.  The last I heard from her was on New Years Eve when she stated to me: “Don’t text me” after I had texted her expressing my feelings about how lonely I was and upset that Erin and then my friend dumped me off, when just a week prior to that she sent me a Christmas text saying something along the lines of “Merry Christmas,” which I found out through her ex with whom I was the matchmaker for 7 years ago that she sent that to “everyone.”  At any rate, a few months prior to that text I heard from her via phone because she called me and told me all about this guy who she was obsessed with and who she could not get over the fact that he reminded her so much of me.  It went something like “Emily, omg, he reminds me so much of you…”  “Oh my-God Emily, he reminds me ‘so much’ of you.” I was not sure what to think of this when I heard this, as I had mixed feelings, but my final conclusion was “She still has feelings for me, ie: unresolved grief because there’s transference going on, etc.”

Additionally, the last time I saw Ashley (Summer of 2007) it was apparent that she and I still had feelings for each other.  At any rate, I heard from her then, then again at Christmas, and when I decided to text her on New Years Eve, she responded to me with a suprisingly shocking rude text message.  I did not text her for months afterwords and then I just recently –yesterday in fact, sent her a Valentine card and cd with new music on it.  I told myself and Erin (because I am trying to set an example for Erin) “This will be the last time I reach out to her.” I am serious about this because I am sick and tired of the relationship with Ashley being one-sided now.  Ashley, for the last 4 years or so, has been very about herself — “me me me,” and I have just sort of went with it because I felt like I guess I deserved to just listen to her go on about herself because I was “lucky” (I would tell myself) to be having her contact me after what I did to her 7 years ago, ie: leave her for my ex.

So in my mind I was thinking, “Wow, it’s nice to actually hear from her.”  The truth is, however, we were never able to establish a reciprocal relationship because she was so busy always talking about herself and would never reach out to me or make time for me, ie: my feelings, sharings, experiences, etc.  So I would just listen to her for hours with a sympathetic ear feeling grateful and delighted for her to be contacting me.  I must admit, however, that it did hurt me that she would hog the conversation so-to-speak, and honestly, I really would have liked to have developed a friendship, 2-sided with her.  I expressed this to her clearly many times.  I guess there is only so much you can do before you just have to realize that someone is not going to change.  I always think, “Maybe Ashley will come around some day,” and who knows– maybe she will, or maybe she won’t.  All I know is that I hold onto the image of Ashley and I and what we had, because it may be 7 years ago, however, that “relationship” sadly, whatever it was, was the only not “good” per se, thing that I had, but it was a relationship in which someone else was respectful towards me and we shared similar values and interests.

To say the least, the compatibility was strong and now I look for that (Ashley, and Ashley and I’s relationship served as an example) in other relationships.  So here I am… and this is all about the relationship with myself and what choices I have… and now I just need to somehow get over this insurmountable barrier with my emotions in regards to this situation with Erin so I can move on…  I am somehow going to need to get space (physical) from her and learn to grieve without driving myself crazy with all the worry and “what-if’s,” ie:  “What if ‘x;’ what if ‘y'” to where I cannot get the peace or clarity/room to be myself.  I “am haunted by the hero that I could not be” just popped into my head… a lyric from the song “Rescue me” by Digital Summer, which keeps replaying in my head and in my dreams.

Speaking of “Rescuing me” songs… I have been having many dreams, left and right, about rescuing others, etc. and I honestly think that they are about myself… and with me needing to rescue myself.  The two songs that come to mind when I think about this are “Rescue me” by Digital Summer and “Far away” by Nickelback.  Both of these songs I can sing to my inner child.

Since I have already posted “Rescue me” twice in this blog, recently, I am going to post “Far away” one more time to reflect what I’m referring to.

February 6th, 2011. “Emotional” by Carl Thomas.


I’m feeling sentimental and have this song in my head…

“Emotional” by Carl Thomas

I knew you when
I had a friend
Very deeply
Love lived within
But somehow we got loose
From what was oh so tight
Somewhere we went wrong
When we were oh so right

What’s a man to do when he just can’t take no more
What am I to do when my heart leads me to the door
Now we’ve tried and tried again
But now this is the end
Tell me what’s the use of holding on
If we can’t be friends

I’m emotional
And I can’t let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through
Say goodbye to you

You seem to hurt me purposely
I didn’t understand it
Oh girl, why me?
I had no choice
What was best for us
Was to terminate our love and be free

What’s a man to do when he just can’t take no more
What am I to do when my heart leads me to the door
Now we’ve tried and tried again
But now this is the end
Tell me what’s the use of holding on
If we can’t be friends

I’m emotional
And I can’t let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through
Say goodbye to you

I’m emotional
And I can’t let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through
Say goodbye to you

What’s a man to do when he just can’t take no more
What am I to do when my heart leads me to the door
Now we’ve tried and tried again
But now this is the end
Tell me what’s the use of holding on
If we can’t be friends

I’m emotional
And I can’t let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through
Say goodbye to you

I’m emotional
And I can’t let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through
Say goodbye to you