Encounter with Ashley – I predicted it – Friday the 13th!


So it would be worth mentioning that I ran into Ashley last night at an art walk.  I had predicated, while working at the Mosey last month, (literally) that I would meet her at one of these “art” events, and sure enough, she was there!  I was actually referred to the event via another ENFJ, Beth, whom Barbara (last name), (INFJ), had introduced me to.
Anyway, Erin and I had looked at all the art galleries and were sitting in front of a tattoo shop in a couple of brightly colored chairs just people watching because we weren’t ready to leave yet, and sure enough, when I turned my head to the left I saw Ashley, with her boyfriend.  I immediately freaked out and said “OMG,” and flew out my chair while yelling to Erin, “LETS GO” and starting walking.  We started walking and turned into the first art gallery on our right, the first one we actually went to (Name of gallery).  I was completely okay until I saw Ashley and Jared looking into the window at a woman glass blowing beads.  It turned out that “woman” was Jared’s mother!  (I would later be introduced to her).

So Erin and I just kind of walked around in this art gallery, and almost immediately, when I realized that Ashley and her boyfriend were hanging outside of the shop and looking in I got weak in the knees… like never before… I honestly did not know that phenomenon actually existed, but I can attest to it first-hand.  Like, I was so weak in the knees you would have thought I was having a seizure.  I was afraid that other people could see.  Like, my legs were shaking badly.  I was… really nervous?  Like, the feeling that you would feel before getting up on a stage.  I was also wearing loafer-like low-heel square dress shoes because it went well with my outfit, and I wanted to stand out.

I am tempted to upload a picture of what I was wearing last night, but I’ll pass lol… I don’t feel like digging out the camera… I wore my shiny 1970’s flare/bootcut pants from France, a white short sleeve cotton polo with a brown t-shirt over the top, my square low-heeled business shoes, and my aviator sunglasses, which by the way, I did not take off!  I debated it and wanted to take off my glasses, but thought I was already bad enough looking weak at the knees and didn’t want to draw anymore attention my way.

Anyway, so she and Jared eventually came inside, and Erin and I just sat there swarming around, walking in circles, and I said, “What should I do??”  Ashley and Jared were now inside, I thought.  They stood still for a moment and started talking to some guy, an older gentleman.  I debated in my head whether or not I should say something to her… attempt to initiate a conversation… because I am not one to let a “moment” pass by.  I decided I would and needed to, otherwise I would regret it.  In the back of my mind, I had a nagging desire to understand why she cut me off – of course I did not address this (Update: 12/22/12-  I should have).

But I did in fact go up to her.  I actually gently, lightly tapped her on the shoulder/lower arm (she was wearing a purple dress).  I said something to her like “Hey Ashley, how have you been?”  She said she had just gotten back from a flight to and from AZ I believe? …for a “training,” for work.  I thought to myself, “Yup, that’s COMPLETELY Ashley!”  ie, work, trainings, etc.  I giggled inside.  I smiled.  I think Jared may have gone with her, but I am not sure…

Speaking of “Jared…”  I was introduced to him, and his father.  I believe (yes, I am pretty sure), Ashley introduced me to Jared’s father first, introducing me as her “friend” – to each his own, whatever suits her (Update: 12/22/12, ha).  I respected it, her anonymity – in fact, I continued to respect it the remainder of the night.  We would end up having two exchanges this night.

After introducing me to Jared’s father, she, after some time of small-talk, introduced me to Jared.  Prior to that, she said to Erin, “Oh, I’ve heard a lot about you.”  I was thinking to myself, “Just because you have heard a ‘lot’ about her does not mean I want to be with her (long story, and one I wish not to post on here).”  At any rate, Ashley was purposely very emotionally distant, clearly putting on a “poker” face… she had a “filter,” or image/forcibly facade up to cover up the fact that she may have been gay in the past.

It was evident that Jared (this shocked me) didn’t have any idea that we had been together

After the event, Erin asked me if Ashley gave me any “clues” as to whether she may still have feelings for me, or whether there was something “there.”  I only remember one incident with eye contact that would possibly reveal that, but for the most part, she (and I) were keeping up a very good “image” of “nothing happened or occurred between us.”  I don’t know why Ashley has gone this route, or gone into the “closet,” but just because I “left” Indiana does/did not mean that I would never come back, and now here I am, having subliminally come back for her, and I think it’s a bit of a shock to her.

Ohhh, and there was a time after about 10 minutes of introductions that Erin and I walked away and out of the art gallery to go back and sit in our comfy chairs a block or two down the road in front of the hipster-like tattoo shop.  Erin and I talked at this time, and I kept saying that I felt “extremely awkward” and that I wanted to “make it right,” for myself – that I had made a fool of myself, and that I just needed to collect myself and go “back in there” and try and smooth things out.  She was very upset and visibly insecure and did not want to go back in there, at which point I was/became angry because of the jealousy (she cheats on people, yet when I want to go and talk to my former love, she gets upset, despite the fact that I have been fully faithful to her, our entire “relationship,”), and insisted that she go with me.

After 15 minutes of coaxing we went back, and sure enough, Ashley and Jared were still there.  This time they were over by the bead maker, Lisa, who happened to be Jared’s mother, whom Ashley introduced me to.  Erin was hanging around the snack bar again, eating, and was quite a ways back – she refused to come with me to obtain “closure.”  Frankly, I just wanted to “neutralize” the awkward feelings from the first encounter.  Her pouting irritated me, like the insistence on coming back in while I went in a second time, but I dealt with it and headed back over myself.

Ashley started talking about a certain bead, the “Star,” ironically my tarot card!  …and how it’s her “favorite.”  I actually said to her, somewhat rhetorically, “It’s your favorite?” and she said “YES,” and went on to tell me about how “intricate” the bead-making process is and how much “work” Lisa puts into making them.  She then gave me a brochure that was displayed in front of Lisa’s setup and said to check out the site, stating that Lisa is trying to make enough money to go to school out in California.  I would love to be able to support her, as well as her grandmother’s grave, who I still need to (and will) go visit. (Update: 12/22/12:   I thought her grave was on 9th street – apparently not.  I have located the correct graveyard and have printed out directions to it.  I will be going to see it before I move back to Vermont January 31st, 2013.  Guests – I am moving back to Vermont to get my healthcare up-to-date and rehabilitated and to begin my Master’s Degree.  Fortunately, the Master’s Degree is “low residency,” so I can live anywhere while enrolled.  I will be in Vermont only until I get my healthcare up-to-date, and then I will be traveling out to California somewhere or Ashland, OR.  There is an off-chance I might come back to Indiana IF Ashley gets a hold of me, but I won’t hold my breathe.  I need to pursue my dreams, and if “It’s meant to be, it’ll be,” as Ashley always said.  I would, however, move back to Indiana for her, in a heartbeat).

Anyway, I almost forgot, Erin and I told Ashley to come visit the “Mosey” tomorrow night.  To my surprise, she had never heard of it… I told her that I would be doing professional tarot readings and that Erin would be making home-made dog biscuits and that the two of us make “record – art” out of vinyls.  She laughed and said she’ll have to check it out, but it sounded like she may have had another event planned.  I also told her that I would be reading tarot tonight at Bombay Hookah, hosting an “event!”  We talked a little about tarot since that is what I happened to be doing at the time, and she said, “That does not surprise me.”  I thought to myself, “Yeah, I have always been weird…”  We could not get in the time I wanted… When I talked to her the second time we were literally sandwiched in-between Lisa (Jared’s mother) and Jared and his father, whose name I did not catch – I am horrible with names!

I honestly could only get in and remember about 1/2 (or more realistically, 3/4) of what she told me because I was so damn nervous that a lot of stuff just went in and out one ear.  But yeah… she actually told me where she worked!  Bank of America :)  I am not even sure if there is one in Lafayette.  I asked her how long she has lived here, or maybe when she started dating Jared?  She replied:  “December 31st,” which I don’t know which year… 2011, I would assume?   I just remember things “changed” between us when she was very rude to me on New Years Eve (I felt so alone at that time – things were happening with Erin – she was acting out, Michael had just blown me off) when Ashley didn’t care to show any interest in me, and acted distant and very cold via text message.  Mind you, 2 months prior to that, or over the summer, I can’t remember, was when she told me she met a guy “just like you” (like me) and how she “can’t get over it,” “how ‘similar’ we are,” etc.

If Ashley was referring to 2011, which is likely the case, she moved back to Lafayette and into our apartment complex (which for those who don’t already know, she – and her mother, do not live here anymore) right around when Erin and I moved in and signed a lease.  Yes, I had dreams of Ashley moving back… I also had dreams of her mother buying a house, and sure enough, within a few short months of our lease, she would.

At any rate, there was so much I wanted to catch up on, and we didn’t… couldn’t.  I remember leaving the event and thinking, “There’s so much I could have said… or that I still want to say.”  When I got home, I added Jared and his mother as friends on Facebook.  This felt a little strange, but I wanted to be “supportive” of Ashley and her new relationship.

Oh, and the tarot card for the “day” was the 3 of Wands… from the Vertigo deck, which is slightly different than the traditional.  But the card in the Vertigo Deck basically deals with divisions… between people-energies… it also represents power, and independence.  Further, it can represent “explorations, heroic action, possibly involving sacrifice.”  In the traditional deck, it means success and potential and deals with future success… future possibilities and an alarming success rate.  At any rate, I am not sure how it ties into the situation (most situations it makes sense); it may be that I’m just not supposed to know right now, but will find out later.

Anyway, Ashley and I also talked about school… I said, “So are you going to go to grad school for your Master’s Degree?”  She said yes, but not right now… maybe in a year or two.  I asked her where at, and she said she was interested in some school in Massachusetts- “What a coincidence, I have been considering Harvard,” I thought!  Then she mentioned “possibly IU.”  I said, “Bloomington?”  She said, “Yes.”  I said, “Yeah, that’s a good school, I have been there.”  I said, “But I think you will like Massachusetts better :)  I would encourage you to get out of Indiana :P

Anyway, I still cannot understand why she cut me off… and maybe I won’t for a while.  I honestly don’t even know if the Walsh’s will add me to Facebook… (Update:  12/22/12:  They actually all blocked me the very next day.  Can you say two-faced?  Shock?  Perhaps Ashley felt threatened that her “secret” – me, and her sexuality, might be revealed).   Who knows.  All I know is that it seems like a big secret that Ashley is gay… she doesn’t want anyone to know.  I respected it.  I still have my own opinions.  I miss her incredibly.

In the car, on the way home, Erin started crying (note, she never cries), saying she was “scared” of losing me, etc.  Like I said, and not to invalidate her, but she pushes away the people she claims to love and sabotages the relationship by cheating on the person and childish, manipulative, selfish things that are downright atrocious, so I can’t fully sympathize with her.  At any rate, I reassured her that I wasn’t going anywhere.  I will leave that up to fate to decide.  I do know that I want to see Ashley again… I miss her.  She was my first, and only, love.

Update:  At the Hookah Club, I heard a song that reminded me of Ashley and I and the situation… I have posted a few of the different versions below.  I haven’t determined my favorite one yet lol.  I am going to burn them all onto a disk and go from there, because music is always best judged when played in a car!  At any rate, here is one version:

A remix (one of several versions).  Can I say this to her?

The song, along with the other versions and some other songs, are all posted on my Facebook, and they are in order of “flow.”  The songs, if you listen to them on my Facebook and note the order, are ordered to go with the mood.  Anyway, I really miss her… and I wonder if she thinks about me.  I wonder if she is going to continue to run away from herself and her feelings and rekindling.

I would stay in Lafayette if she would come back into my life.  I want to be friends with her, and I have been wanting this since I arrived back here last year.  In fact, I think subconsciously, I largely, came back from the East Coast for her.

At any rate, we’ll see what happens.

Confirmed =)


Confirmed – Ashley lives here!

Now I have to get to work… lots do to today.  I have to clean out the booth from K&C’s Stuff & Things – Never again consignment!  Consignment sales were horrible, for everyone!

After clearing out the booth, we are probably (well, are, haha) going to be left with a lot of stuff.  This is always fun… sarcasm!  There is a community yard sale this weekend, so it should be pretty fun.  Great way to get rid of it!  Everything that does not sell will be donated to charity.

Alright, I need to get to work!  Have a good day!

Crazy coincidences…


So curiosity has struck me because I keep seeing “Illinois” plates EVERYWHERE, and Erin suggested that it might be Ashley “thinking” about me.  This started on Memorial Day, and it’s been nuts – like, they will randomly jump out in front of me and are literally EVERYWHERE.  Anyway, so tonight, I can’t remember what prompted me, I googled Ashley’s name and stuff with her mother came up.  Before I go there, I wanted to say that it said Ash lives in Chicago… “Mylife” pretty much reveals everywhere you have lived… it even mentioned that Ash lived in Wisconsin..

So a few things… first off, I think it is very eerie that Ashley’s mom was on the news a couple years ago and traded in her silver dollars… when I literally collect them and buy them off people.  I literally (call it “luck” or what – actually, I think it’s karma, because I had some stolen from me in the past) paid $22 for 3 of them, and they together are worth $2,000.  The guy at the Fairgrounds said that he thought they were “fake,” but they turned out to be real!

Anyway, so here’s the news article I found with Teresa (Ash’s mother) selling them:  http://www.wlfi.com/dpp/on_the_money/people-seeking-alternative-ways-to-find-extra-holiday-cash  She got ripped off MAJORLY by the way, but that’s another story.  I collect them, and I would have given her $50 a piece for them!  Some of them can be worth good money.

Excited by what I had discovered, I bravely and likely in vain, sent Teresa a Facebook message that reads:

  • Emily A Cox
  • 21 minutes ago

    • Teresa,

      Hey, I saw your news article on the news. I actually buy silver dollar coins for $50 a piece. It looks like you sold quite a few! If you get anymore, I will buy them off of you.

      I hope you have been doing well, there are some great changes at Twkyenham! The pool is about to open, and I am super excited!

      I had a dream that you got a house! I hope you are doing well, and enjoying your new place.

      -Emily A Cox”

Anyway, then the saddest thing came up… and I have been thinking about, and have actually thought about this, several times… Ashley’s dearest grandmother… she passed away… exactly what I was afraid of.  Article:  http://hosting-5049.tributes.com/show/Ruth-M.-Leader-91169949

I want to apologize to Ashley for not being there… I didn’t have any idea she had passed sine Ashley cut me off right around the time of this article… if I had known that, I would have literally, flown to this funeral and been there with Ashley.  I am not exaggerating; I would do anything for that woman, and to support her… her grandmother was such a beautiful, nice, strong woman.  She died around the time Ashley and I met… “March.”  Granted, 8 years later.  Still, I do not remember the last time that I heard from Ashley…

The last conversation I had with her was while I was at the mall in New Jersey with Erin shopping for Mac’s… we had gone to the Mac store, then to the Disney store (for Erin), then to a food equipment store, and I had called Ashley somewhere in between… I think in the Disney store… and I had told her that I would be going to South Korea to teach English.  I am not sure of the month, but I honestly think it was right around the time her grandmother had passed… I had/have never heard from Ashley since, except that she no longer wanted to talk with me should my “feelings” come between her and a “future” relationship.

I wish I had the email from Ashley that she sent me departing our own ways, but I don’t… I closed the account… I might actually have it in a blog, I would have to check… Irregardless, I am shocked to learn that her grandmother passed, and I am more saddened than anything to have not been able to be a part of Ashley’s support during this trying phase, especially since she was there when my father passed away.

Article #2:  http://www.journalreview.com/obituaries/article_1a760b4c-534c-11e0-95d8-001cc4c03286.html

I just signed the guestbook… I will probably go and pay my respects and put flowers on her grave soon.

Some errie coincidences are coming up with this search… As I posted in a previous entry, I had a dream that Teresa bought a house… well, on one of the searches it says a house was either sold or purchased on April 21st 2012 to Teresa via Majestic Homes – IF it’s the same Teresa!  Weird weird weird… I do not have a connection like this with anyone else… the only two other experiences I have had were with my stray cat, “Buckeye,” 15 years ago and my ex, Jen… so strange.  Only Ashley.

THEN the woman who baptized me (My mother’s BEST friend) comes up: Dr. Sally Downham Miller – AEI Speakers Bureau, still in the “Teresa” search… what the hell! …ofall people!  Creepy!  Yeah… “Majestic HOME” sale:

2450 Estancia Lane Majestic Custom Homes of Lafayette Inc. Teresa A. Hull 3/15/2012 Lafayette $155,450.00 $300.00

2450 Estancia Lane… I am sorry, but this cannot get any creepier.  I dream of this woman… well, Ashley, not her mother, obviously ;)  …although, as I said, I dreamt that she purchased a house… in fact, I honestly want to go back and see when I dreamt it, because it may (actually, it was) right around the time that she purchased it!  I mean, I have had dreams of Ashley, where I am screaming her name… like, waking up and screaming her name.  I had one dream like this, and it was extremely powerful and intense.

I also had a dream that Ashley was coming to visit home, and sure enough, she did!  …the next day!  Erin swears we are meant to be.  Anyway, I have to go check this out.  As for everything else going on, a lot.  Re-instated, I picked up a part-time job to help supplement some money until South Korea next year :)  1 year in Korea, and I should be in a much better financial position!

Okay, ta ta!

Yes, I just know…


I have gained 10 lbs since Ashley moved out “officially” April 5th.  I chalk it up to not walking past her apartment anymore – that, and depression.  I am clearly depressed now that she is gone… I really had hopes for us.  Tonight I posted on my Facebook:  “I am 100% certain that you are the person I want to be with, and if you were here right now, I would, without a doubt, ask you to marry me, and I don’t think I would regret that decision. I am here when the time is right. Whatever form you come back in my life, I will be here, waiting.”

I really miss her… I also sent her a picture of the moon:

because it’s supposed to be a full moon tonight…  I honestly don’t even know whether or not she receives my messages.  People will probably think I am crazy, but then again, they probably also think that Noah in the Notebook was crazy.  I definitely share his mentality.

I am not one to give up when I know in my heart that something is right, and note I said “heart,” not my head.  Ashley is not somebody I think I want, I know in my heart that the relationship is right for me, and it’s a conviction.

I am certainly open to other relationships and am not closing myself off to the chance of love or loving another, but I know that Ashley and I could be happy together… fulfilled.  I have learned my lesson and learned from the mistakes of yesterday… 9 years ago.

Noah in the Notebook waited over 7 years for Allie… It has been 9 years, and I am still waiting on Ashley to return… the difference is that her and I have stayed in contact since we broke up.  She just hasn’t talked to me for a year and a half… she randomly cut me out of her life out of nowhere.

Anyway, I just wanted to express a little tonight.  I am going to go work out now on my favorite work out machine – the row machine :-)

4/21/12 – Ashley and her mother dream


There are numbers that play again and again… last night I dreamnt of her.  This wouldn’t be the first time… Elliot Yamin, The Notebook, Titantic… all those things.  Anyway, I dreamnt last night that her mom got a divorce and bought a new house.  My deceased grandfather was even in the dream and the “Somebody I used to know” song by Goyte in the beginning.  Ashley and I didn’t talk at first because she was still stuck on gaining her mom’s approval, and her mom didn’t talk to me at first, but I slowly made conversation, and eventually she talked to me.  Ashley also eventually came around because her mom liked me.  Her mom and I talked about Alanon and going to church!  I think that’s funny because I actually left a book on her doorstep that’s Christian, but a book that women in Alanon use!   It was an attempt to finally make peace between us and a sign of respect and sincerity. Anyway, it was very interesting and touching… I saw Ashley in the dream and thought she was beautiful, and I respected her and was very graceful.  I truly cherished her.  Her mother learned to open up to me and started talking to me about things, and it was the beginning stages of her accepting that I might just actually be a good person (before, she always thought I was this huge bull-dyke who turned her daughter gay).

The dream moved me and opened up some doors.

April 17th, 2012 Ashley and her new lifestyle


So I am not sure whether to be angry or happy for Ashley.  I know that sounds horrible, but I am a bit shocked and mortified to see that her profile picture on facebook is now of her and a guy.  She’s been dating this guy for a while, at least for a few months, and it’s petty clear.  Worst of all, the guy dresses like me.  Literally, when I saw their pic yesterday as Ashley’s main profile pic, I had on the exact same shirt on as the guy, no exaggeration!  …a button up long sleeve shirt, with a white T underneath.

To make matters worse, when I clicked on his profile to find out a little more about who the magical guy is, there are pictures of them at OUR place!  …literally, “OUR” place – Mudlavia!  wtf?  Okay.  You know, she calls me a year ago and tells me how she met this other guy “just like me,” etc… I mean, “just” like and goes on and on obsessively, and how we’re “soooo similar,” and she “can’t get ‘over,’ it.”  Riiiight.

I am angry, and I am not going to worry about it much anymore.  If that’s the lifestyle she’s going to choose to lead, then she can lead it.  I don’t differeniate gender or let it confime me.  Erin brought up the fact that maybe she hasn’t told this guy that she’s been with woman… who knows… I doubt that, because Ashley is very open about everything, but who knows.  At any rate, I don’t define myself according to predisposited “gender” roles.

There really isn’t much else I can say other than the sickness in my stomach has gone away, and I literally feel angry and likely very shocked at what I see.  It is what it is… I haven’t felt this way in a while; I think the last time I felt like this was when Ashley was with Crystal, and I regretted having screwed up with her.

I have changed, 100%.  I know that I can make her happy.  I know that we can make each other happy – that is the furthest thing from her mind though, and I have to and will respect that.  I am honestly about to just try to “drop” all of this… I am so tired of it.  I am hurt and turned off right now. 

I think I am going to get ready and go for a bike ride on my new fixie.  I want to get my body in shape and build it strong.  I want to live a long life.  I have dreams and goals I have set for myself, and I plan to reach them.

“You took the words right out of my mouth” 100% percent.


Yup, it couldn’t be stated any clearer:

 

A: Why are we stopping?
Holden: ‘Cause I can’t take this.
A: Can’t take what?
Holden: I love you.
A: You love me?
“Holden: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t-I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship – no pun intended – but I had to say it, ’cause I’ve never felt this way before, and I-I don’t care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn’t allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I’ll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there’s a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just – you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can’t deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me, which – while I do appreciate it – I’d never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.”

This says it all – Exactly what I believe


Noah, a young man from the working class, lays eyes on Allie and instantly falls in love with her. When Allie refuses his initial advances, Noah remains persistent, and eventually wins her affections. However, Allie comes from an upper class family that has very definite ideas about Allie’s future. Determined to keep Allie from destroying the opportunities her upper class lifestyle affords her, the family leaves the town of Seacrest, leaving Noah behind. Noah writes to Allie every day for a year, but the letters go unanswered, hidden from Allie by her mother. After the year is over, Noah decides to go on with his life, but never forgets the love he once knew. Eventually, after many years filled with hardship and happiness, fate steps in and Noah and Allie rediscover the love they lost.

Expression and boundaries


So I’m really embarrassed and kind of self-conscious.  I went to hang out with Jen tonight, Ashley’s ex.  On my way over there, she told me that “Koger” (My ex, Sarah) was going to stop by.  I figured, “Okay, whatever.”  I nonchalantly wrote it off, but I was really nervous because I felt (feel, rather) fat right now because my thyroid meds are off again – that, or my lyme disease has re-birthed itself.

Anyway, I was (am) still very self-conscious.  I am not sure what to think right now because I revealed some information to them that I may later regret, that might hurt the person I care about.  I revealed that I still kind of have feelings for my ex, Ashley, (their former best friend).  Sarah is still facebook friends with Ashley, and Jen could easily talk to her if she wanted.

At any rate, they poked fun at me tonight, and I could tell they weren’t taking it (my feelings) seriously.  I felt (feel) really raw and vulnerable right now.  I want to be able to let my feelings out, but I don’t know who to talk to, and I also don’t think I am articulating what I feel correctly.  I don’t “want” Ashley in the kind of way(s) that Sarah was joking about… it is not a lusty thing… I want to be friends with her again, honestly.  I want to do fun things together and talk (reminisce) about old times.  I want to start over again and just have a good time and talk for hours about people and life.

Tonight I was talking about things like buying her a car someday and possibly marrying her because she is the “one” for me (I know this without a doubt – that she is the kind of person that I want to be with, and I have never, literally, met anyone like her – similar to me, strong, beautiful, willful, and graceful, and have never come across another person that I feel the way I do when I’m with her).  At any rate, they kind of poked fun of me for it.

Sarah brought up how I’m going to “afford” to buy her a car if I’m only doing resale right now, saying, “How are you going to afford to buy her a car someday when you’re only selling shit,” and I said “I will make it happen; it will happen.”  I kind of changed the subject then when Kari (Jen’s girlfriend, my very first girlfriend) somewhat unexpectedly arrived because I felt embarrassed.  I was already embarrassed talking about it all because I knew they didn’t take me seriously.

I told them to watch the Notebook, and stated that I was (am) the “guy” in the notebook, and it’s not make-believe… they probably think I am delusional, I wouldn’t put it past them.  Sarah made a comment about how I knew Ash had gone to visit Mudlavia on my birthday, and I stated that I had seen it online… I didn’t want to tell her that I saw it through one of Ashley’s friends, but I did because she phished for information.

I told her that Crystal had told me that Ash is straight now, and so I clicked on the first guy on Ash’s friend list, and ironically it ended up being her current boyfriend, or what looks to be her boyfriend… and that in the pictures it showed them at Mudlavia.  That’s the truth – I didn’t look at any of her other friends… I clicked on his name because the few times I’ve gone to Ash’s page, he always shows up.

Anyway, I am afraid now what they (mostly Sarah, but Jen, too, I guess) will say to Ashley.  I asked both of them to kindly not say anything to her for fear of embarrassed on both my part and Ashley’s part, and Sarah said “Ok.”  I know how she is though and she will say something.  She will say something just to stir shit up.  She likes drama.  All I want to do is talk to Ashley again.

Like the song:  “Till the sky falls down” by Dash Berlin

“All I need is one good answer

To understand why you are gone”

It doesn’t make any sense why Ashley would cut me off out of nowhere and yet she claims that I still have “feelings” for her as if she doesn’t!  She is clearly denying them, but we will just keep it at that.  If that’s where she is right now with herself and in her growth, I will respect.  But I am allowed to talk about it, I just don’t know whether or not I can trust Jen and Sarah to not say anything.  It’s a shame I can’t talk to Ashley herself about this.

And I do have a life outside of Ashley, trust me… I work 60+ hours a week for myself.  I literally bust my ass, and though it’s hard work, I love having the freedom and flexibility of setting my own hours.  Anyway, this whole thing just seems absurd.  I’m probably better off keeping my feelings to myself and reserving them for my journal.  I truly do believe in a strong element of fate, and I know that when something is supposed to happen, it will.  I am going to (this is my plan) continue to live my life, “One day at a time” as Alanon puts it (Alanon can be credited for a tremendous amount of my growth) and see what happens.

I just wanted to get this out there.  I don’t even want to know what lies ahead for me.   I am trying to stay positive, but I know without a doubt that Sarah (and possibly) Jen are going to say something to Ash, which will likely sabotage any chance I may ever have at being friends with her again.

I know that my feelings of ambiguity will lessen over time as the universe (my Higher Power) provides me with more clarity about myself and others.  I know that I will continue to grow and learn and make the right choices for myself.  In the meantime, I will continue living my life and learning to trust myself and lean more on my Higher Power rather than others.

Gloriana – Kissed you goodnight (Dedication)


“(Kissed You) Good Night” by Gloriana

I dropped you off
Just a little after midnight
Sat in my car
Till you turned off your porch light
I should have kissed you
I should have pushed you up against the wall
I should have kissed you
Just like I wasn’t scared at all

I turned off the car
Ran through the yard
Back to your front door
Before I could knock
You turned the lock
And met me on the front porch

And I kissed you
Goodnight
And now that I’ve kissed you
It’s a good night good night baby goodnight

You couldn’t see me
Watching through the window
Wondering what went wrong
Praying that you wouldn’t go
You should have kissed me
You should have pushed me up against the wall
You should have kissed me
I was right on the edge and ready to fall

So I turned off the car
Ran through the yard
Back to your front door
Before I could knock
You turned the lock
And met me on the front porch

And I kissed you
Goodnight
And now that I’ve kissed you
It’s a good night good night baby goodnight

I turned off the car
ran through the yard
back to your front door
Half scared to death can’t catch my breath
Aren’t these the moments we live for

And I kissed you
Goodnight
And now that I’ve kissed you
It’s a good night good night baby goodnight
It’s a good night good night baby goodnight
It’s a good night good night baby goodnight
It’s a good night good night baby goodnight

Daughtry – Gone too soon [dedication]


I am aware that this song is about someone who has lost a child.  However, I like to imagine it being about a person that you’ve loved deeply and that you’re not together with right now…  “Today could have been the day that you blow out your candles and make a wish as you close your eyes” to me is about you and that person’s “could-have” been anniversary/wedding day.  This individual has great respect for this woman and even her mother.  He cherishes her more than life itself.

“One thing is evident, would have given you all I have, would have loved you like no other.”

April 3, 2012. Sad news.


So I am feeling really depressed right now.  Or maybe extremely “blah” is another word.  I think that Ashley and her mother moved, or to be technical, Ashley’s mom, which means I won’t see Ashley anymore, and would explain why I haven’t seen Ashley for about 6 weeks.  I saw her several times in January, and that’s about it.  Did she move because of us?  Her mother never like me because she thought I turned Ashley gay.  She called me a “dyke” all the time.  Anyway, Ashley knew we moved here because I had texted her, and she pretended as though her phone number was invalid.  Funny, I called the number and it was her voicemail, and I know better.

At any rate, she has completely ignored me for maybe about a year now?  I don’t understand… but I am more sad than anything, and I feel literally sick to my stomach now.  I haven’t seen her mother’s car in about 2 weeks, or at least 2 weeks or so ago was when it was really brought to my attention.  I am beginning to have regrets and think that maybe I should have put something on Ash’s car when she came to visit… “maybe I blew it?” Again I think…

The porch outside of her apt just looks plain… I’m not sure if anything has been removed or not, but something is definitely different.  There are two plants outside and they look all dead and dried up and are moved/pushed forward, and the storage shed has a lock that is hanging on the latch open.  Her welcome mat is still outside the door, but that doesn’t mean anything.  I am sick to my stomach, and I am sad.  I was really inspired knowing Ashley still lived here…

I had plans of getting all in shape and the hope of running into her at the pool.  I really hate this shit.  Excuse my language, but I literally feel sick to my stomach.  I have never liked change, and this just blows.  Any connection I even have remotely to Ashley is pretty much broken, too.  Sarah is not talking to me though she agreed to add me to her friend’s list, Crystal (Ash’s ex, who I actually hooked her up with) flat-out deleted me off her friend’s list for no absolute reason what-so-ever on her birthday, Jen (Ash’s ex, the first one who she was with when Ash and I actually met) says she wants to hang out all the time but never does and seems embarrassed to be my friend (she flipped out about me sharing a picture that was public of her and some of our mutual friends being dorky).

I just don’t feel like I have any other gateway “in,” and yet, I have no idea why Ashley actually cut me out of her life, but it was out of nowhere, and feelings for one another have been mutual, and not changed the least bit, so it doesn’t make any sense.

I guess life is going to have to go on… now I am going to have to take (experience) a loss.  I really hate this, and I wish so badly I could turn back the hands of time… I feel really depressed right now.

I feel alone, and all I want is to feel connected again… how am I going to get my inspiration back without her even close?  I feel like it has officially ended now, and I am sick to my stomach.

Forget the fact that we just traded our car today and have a better car, more suitable for work purposes, I completely forgot.  I don’t even want to walk anymore… outside… nothing.  My last bit of hope has just been shattered.

Relationships… Commitment… Reflection…


I have a lot on my mind.  I don’t like posting my thoughts before I’ve had a chance to think about them… Typically I will journal (in my handwritten journal) first and then feel better about sharing on here.  I can’t seem to get the clarity on here via typing.

Anyway, so I’ve been thinking about relationships… about the relationships I have with others and about the relationship I have with myself.  Today the big topic was “Commitment.”  I had a long and drawn out conversation with a good friend about the topic.

I realized that a lot of my relationships with significant others have been immature and so there hasn’t ever been any sense of real “commitment” established.  Immature relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts aren’t really a good foundation for a solid relationship.  Anyway, there was one person, that despite my lack of maturity at the time, I had “commitment” with.  Ashley.

She would probably beg to differ, but I am now where she was.  At the time, when we dated, I made a stupid mistake.  I am now that person she needed me to be.  Anyway, I would have to say that that was when I most understood commitment, and sadly enough, that’s the only time I’ve ever physically been in a relationship where commitment has been demonstrated.

I have had other relationships – friendships, where there has been commitment, and there was certainly romantic attraction there… Off the top of my head, Syndee, Heike, Katherine… But I was never with these people because they were all somehow unavailable.  I must say that I now know what I want, and I know exactly what to look for.  Commitment  is related to respect.  There can’t be commitment without respect.

With that being said, all of these unhealthy, codependent relationships I’ve had lacked respect, which explains why there wasn’t any commitment.  That just goes to show how important “respect” is.  I think it’s something worth looking at.  The way you respect yourself (or don’t) and the way you respect others.  There seems to be a direct link.

I want to be in a relationship where respect is demonstrated.  It’s weird to think so many relationships I’ve been in have lacked it.  I wonder where I learned this from?  To date people who lack respect for themselves and others.  Where did I see this from?  I imagine I am imitating my father.  My father stayed by my mother’s side despite her lack of self-respect.  My mother, like many of the women I have dated, seemed to have issues where extramarital affairs are part of the picture.

I feel kind of guilty for splurging her business on a public forum, but it’s something to learn from.  My dad I guess didn’t have much respect for himself by staying with her.  With that being said, I don’t want to make that same mistake, and that is why I continuously, every day look at myself and where I’m at – where I’ve been.

I try to figure out where I’ve been and where I am now not to make the same mistake.  I know why I stay.  I also know where my heart stands.

I was talking to Heike (the good friend) about “circles” and how there are different levels of trust and they’re all directly related to respect.  I need that respect in order to be happy in life.  It’s a shame that I can’t attract a partner who demonstrates this because they are all taken.  It irritates me.

I know that eventually I will attract the partner who is supposed to be in my life.  I don’t want Ashley to snooze and lose.  That sounds horrible, but it’s true.  I can’t help it that she’s in denial right now.  Everyone knows it, but I can’t and shouldn’t have to wait around.  Yet, I do.  Yet I know there are others out there who will also demonstrate the same level of respect – whether or not they will ignite my passion, etc. is another story.  But still.  Time is ticking and time is truly of the essence.

I need to be clear and honest with myself and set and establish firm boundaries with others.  I have now been made aware of the reasons in which I stay, and I need to work on that.  I need to get myself out of this situation and clear this baggage to make room for the new.  Our past doesn’t stay with us if we’ve learned from our mistakes, and I mean truly learned.  As in, on a heart level… not head.

From then until now


Ashley and I’s number is “17.”  She would dare to do the unspeakable.  It’s funny because she had told me to go to this station… now called “Iheartradio,” saying that she “loved” Shinedown, and I shit you not, I go to it, 5 years later and SHINEDOWN is on the front page…

It’s eerie.  Anyway, this isn’t the original video that I saw, but one similar… the original was live in New York on November 17th, 2005.  And right when he says his first “I Dare You,” I think of Ashley completely.

He has truly admirable qualities… a good head on his shoulder’s, passion, conviction, sincerity, loyalty.  When he says “Call me a liar,” you cannot dispute his authenticity.  He knows the truth and it’s irrefutable.

I feel like I should give my very worst fear a  voice.  I feel like I should say, right now, “I’m afraid she’s going to call me up and tell me that she’s marrying someone.”  Another part of me doesn’t want to write that on this page and put it “out” there.

I feel like I am missing out on her life right now… so many things… her grandmother – is she still alive?  How’s Wesley? etc.

Yet another part of me trusts that things will turn out the way that they should.  You know, it sucks when you know things that other people don’t… yet you have to remain silent.  I know some things are better of kept a secret.  I also don’t want to, and won’t, die pretending I don’t care.  I cannot, for the life of me, be someone that I am not.

There exists an unspeakable, undeniable truth.

Conviction of purpose.