May 5th, 2011. Doubts, insecurities, compatibility.

I feel like Ashley did right now with Crystal… constantly frustrated and stifled, yet hopelessly holding on.  Erin brought up the song the other day “All the same” by the Sick Puppies.

She was feeling insecure.  Now I feel this way and have this song blaring through my head.  Erin basically expressed doubt in us last night while and after we were intimate.  I hate this push/pull with her.  It’s very frustrating, and she sends off mixed signals.  She is never clear with what she wants or feels especially, and I am honestly not even sure if she knows what she wants sometimes.

She said something that I have unfortunately heard many times before — “we’re ‘too different.'”  Why is it these free-spirited women keep telling me that we’re “too different?”  They are strangely attracted to me and yes, our differences, yet at the same time they long for more, someone more like themselves, ie: on the “same page?”  I don’t get it.

She says that I need to have everything planned… that I want to spend certain time together whereas she would rather be more casual and just go out and come home when she “pleases.”  Obviously, but in my eyes, things — at least for me, don’t work that way.  At least not with her, or her type of personality… I want and need consistency with her because there has been so little of it.  Not to mention, there are some MAJOR trust issues between us because of her lying to me about things.  She rationalizes and justifies her behavior.

At any rate, she wants to just be able to do “what she wants, when she wants,” and doesn’t care about the time that it will take as long as she’s having a good time.  This is great for some people, but others let the fun carry away with them and get the best of them.  I have been really “lax” so-to-speak about Erin going out before and what ends up happening is she ends up drunk and out until really late.  I will not bring up her past, but lets be honest, that concerns me, too.

At any rate, the times that she has gone “out,” she pushes for more and more.  And then she meets people, lesbians, etc. who also want to go out and share the raunchy sense of humor she has, etc. while I am at home like a family “man,” or even if I’m out with friends for the evening, but I have to worry about things.  Or nevertheless, I do worry.  Yes, I have my abandonment fears, too.  Yes, I worry about promiscuity with her.  I am not a “free-spirit” when it comes to sex, partying, and drugs.  Erin says that stuff is in her past, but there are some personality traits that do not change and are always underneath the “surface” so-to-speak.

I don’t know, maybe I am in part afraid, but that’s based off past experiences with her — over 3 years just about, and off intuition, etc.  I am really trying here to just let her do her own thing, but there is so little trust.  I am generally a very trusting and optimistic person and so when that’s gone it’s bad, but even then, I am still willing to try.  Time and time again she has shown me that she cannot follow-through on what she says.  Even when we have been unable to be “intimate” for reasons which I will not mention here for the sake of privacy, she has disregarded these serious precautions and said “To the hell with it, lets go!”  I am sorry, but when my health and so much more is put at risk, I am not just going to “go to town!”

At any rate, she feels put on a “short leash,” but in my mind, it’s a making of her own behavior.  I am not this enemy, but she feels “strangled.”  Okay… I do not know what to say to that.  She feels strangled, and I feel uninspired.  Alright, so I can find inspiration somehow via friends and local events and she can somehow get her freedom back via building trust, ie: showing dependability, which she is unable to do.  She is late all of the time, pushes to be out later, etc., and so to put it simply, I constantly feel walked on.  I need reliability and since none was formed in the beginning, it needs to happen now so I can chill out!

She wants all of these privileges after she has abused multiple ones.  When trust is betrayed multiple times, it is not just all of a sudden “better.”  There isn’t a magical solution.  You can’t just “put it ‘behind’ you.”  Trust me, we have tried that so many times… The thing is, I am willing to give her a fair chance, but it’s not enough for her — she wants to be let off the string entirely.  Erin has issues with commitment.  I have issues with trust.  Well, we both have issues with trust lol, but she trusts me.  I have not hurt her.

I want to be able to give her the freedom she desires, but I honestly wonder if we will ever achieve a fair balance.  She works herself to death and then comes home and wants to spend the entire evening by and with herself — she doesn’t want to spend time cuddling or watching a movie.  She seems to not need or desire that “intimate” time together — that time was short-lived.  I miss that closeness and connection, which lasted maybe about 2 months in the beginning of our relationship.  I am a long-term person, not short-term.  I am not just about the thrill of the “chase.”

I am going to try and cope with the doubts she expressed to me last night to the best of my ability.

April 26th, 2011. Scared and alone. Would rather die than live this way.

I did not get much accomplished today at all… I made some phone calls to business owners and to my school to try and get some direction on which career path to pursue that will enable me to enjoy what I do.  I am scared to death right now because Erin and I just had a huge blow up, and I am embarrassed to even post this.  It is insanity for me to think that things have or will change.  She didn’t answer her phone today for over an hour while working and her story changed twice.  She told me she went to the bank and was there for a “half” hour.  Later she said that she just got some ten’s for her drawer… I hate to say it, but it does not take a “half hour” (quote) to get ten’s for her drawer, and that still doesn’t account for the other 45 minutes.  She told me lost her phone and called me from her work twice and I do not have a single call from her work on my phone.  She then told me didn’t call at “all” because she was “in a hurry” (quote), completely contradicting herself.  I texted and called her more times than I can even count and she did not respond once.

Erin does not go anywhere without her phone.  The other day she had me bring her pants to her work because her pants were splitting.  I did.  I stayed at her work out in the common area that day and did some coaching sessions.  I walked up to her booth to surprise her and there was a girl there who was acting really funny with her… I almost thought they knew each other or something… Erin gave the girl a discount and the girl said, “That’s so sweet of you…”  The girl then asked Erin for her name, and flirtatiously smiled and said “Thank you” and looked back at her while walking away… Erin looked at me and acted shocked and surprised.  I said, “What was that all about?”  She said, “I have no clue…”  Erin then fed me some line about how she told the girl to save her 20 cents etc. so she could get to the last two customers.  It’s a long story, and I don’t want to get stuck in the details, but I basically about broke up with Erin at this point because I had had and seen enough.

The simple fact remains I do not trust her, and I am living with this every day.  Some days are good, some days are bad.  I never know what to expect.  She is unpredictable and inconsistent and yet I cannot seem to walk away.  I feel trapped, especially now since I do not have a car.  I am in this crazy situation and too emotionally wrapped up to walk away.  I feel sick to my stomach.  Today I thought about how I’d rather be dead than live with this… today was probably the worst day I’ve experienced in a long time, and I haven’t thought these thoughts in a while.  I am usually a pretty optimistic person, and so it’s pretty bad when I experience this.

I feel like my life is once again (like last summer) spinning downward into a hole.  I am sitting here and reminiscing about the past and all of the “lovers” I have had that were deeply troubled and disturbed, ie:  Annie, Katey… and I am in shock at how things ever came to this.  I am seriously beginning to question and doubt myself and my own decisions.  I am afraid for my life and afraid I will never have “normal” relationships again.  I am afraid that the early relationship I had with my mother has ruined my life.  I am now, whether I like it or not, attracted to really screwed up people with a lot of psychological problems.  I am tired of the baggage and very afraid.  I do not know how to move on with my life and it’s eating away at my self-esteem…

This relationship has caused me to lose my mind.  I feel like all the life has been drained from me a long time ago and I am just a zombie… I have not felt safe with Erin, Annie, or Katey, as they all had some major psychological issues and addictions – sex and drugs.  I am wanting to pick up the pieces to my life and am sick.  I am so afraid that when I feel like this I want to honestly check myself into a hospital.  I have no one to reach out to me, no friends here… I am too afraid to get out and meet people… I have tried… I am a 30 minute subway ride away from the nearest college campus… without a car, which I don’t regret, but I am now limited to just my feet.

I would die twice right now to have an old close friend help me out, but unfortunately we’ve all gone our own ways, and I am on my own… people have given up on me because they’ve given up on themselves… and maybe I too have given up on my-self.  I do not feel supported, loved, or nurtured in any way.  I keep choosing partners who are not right for me and who are unavailable.  I do not expect them to make me happy I don’t think… I just want someone that shares similar values and interests.  I feel disconnected from God.  I am ready to die.

I felt connected in Vermont, but even then, I lost myself when I started dating Erin, and things haven’t been the same since.  She tore me apart and isolated me from friends and family.  She never supported my endeavors and was clearly jealous, ie: of me going into business for myself, etc., of me having friends, etc. — everything threatened her.  She pressured me — to move in with me, threatening if I didn’t she would “replace” me with someone else, etc., threatening this, that, etc.

I need help.