Constant reminders


 

Dash Berlin-  Till the sky falls down

It’s been so long since I have touched you
I can’t remember how it feels
To have your loving arms around me
This is the pain I’ve never healed

All my life I have been searching
For someone honest just like you
You left me here without a reason
Every tear belongs to you

I’ll be waiting
’till the sky falls down
’till you’re coming around, baby

I’ll be waiting
’till the sky falls down
let the rain clouds come

I’ll be waiting
’till the sky falls down
’till you’re coming around

All I need is one good answer
To understand why you are gone
Everything reminds me of you
Without you I can’t go on

‘ll be waiting
’till the sky falls down
’till you’re coming around, baby

I’ll be waiting
’till the sky falls down
let the rain clouds come

You would think that I am not living my life as much as I post about her, but I actually am because I work for myself… so I am with myself all hours of the day and am able to take breaks at my own leisure.

Daughtry – Losing my mind


So I heard this song tonight while in the car downtown writing in my journal, and I heard the narrative, and I was reminded of Ashley…

I can’t help it the girl is still in my head.  I can’t help it that she randomly pops into my head at different times through the day.  Sometimes, some days more than others, it hits me harder.  Anyway, I immediately felt a sadness tonight… not necessarily a “melancholy,” but a sadness, longing, reminiscing, grief-like feeling.

I am sure there is one word for what I’m trying to say, but I can’t think of it.

Anyway, here are the lyrics:

“Losing My Mind” by Daughtry

Never thought a train goin’ any place could’ve changed my life
Never thought I’d say I could go insane, ’til I saw your eyes
And I had to take another look to know for sure
That you could be for real
You found an empty seat sittin’ next to me
And I asked your name
Where you comin’ from?
Where you headed to this Saturday?
‘Cause I’m gonna be out on the town
As long as you are goin’ there with meYeah and my head keeps spinnin’
You got me trippin’
There’s something about the way you move
Yeah, every little single thing you do is like
One part angel and one part danger
But, oh, the kind of crazy I like
You got me losing my mind
I’m losing my mind!

It’s getting hard to sleep
Getting hard to think ’bout much these days
‘Cause everywhere I go
Only thing I see is your glowing face
And the way you light up every room you walk into
Just makes me want to scream

Yeah and my head keeps spinnin’
You got me trippin’
There’s something about the way you move
Yeah, every little single thing you do is like
One part angel and one part danger
But, oh, the kind of crazy I like
You got me losing my mind
I’m losing my mind!

Can’t understand why you got me so far gone
You’re gonna have to lock me up before too long
You’ve got me losing my mind

Yeah and my head keeps spinnin’
You got me trippin’
There’s something about the way you move
Yeah, every little single thing you do is like
One part angel and one part danger
But, oh, the kind of crazy I like
You got me losing my mind
I’m losing my mind!
You got me losing my mind
I’m losing my mind!

I have kind of been distracted by other things and people, but always, in the back of my mind, is her.  I also know (imagine) it’s strange right now with strangers reading this knowing I am pouring my heart out to some girl, or “woman” perhaps I should say, that’s not even next to me, but she has left a permanent imprint on my heart, and that “passion” between her and I never died… that “connection,” whatever you want to call it.So many people don’t believe… and so many people also run away from their feelings.  So many people don’t believe that things can last and moreover that things can work out, and they can, if you let them.  I truly believe that what “goes around” comes back around.  I trust fate.  I believe that “Everything happens for a reason.”

I try not to spend too much time dwelling in my feelings, but I do reflect from time to time, and I do think about things and try to integrate my experiences in such a way that I can learn from them.  I want to grow, and I am always wanting to grow.  I also have a big heart.

Sometimes I think the worst though, and I think about how someday Ashley is going to tell me that she’s marrying someone else, or perhaps I will hear it through the grapevine and that it’ll break my heart and devastate me.  I promise I am not some psycho crazy “ex” of hers.  Ash and I are almost twins.  Heck, we have the same middle name.

Anyway, I’m out living my life, and I know what I want for myself, which is important.  I am confident to say I know what I what.  I am proud to say that I’ve finally figured it out through a lot of soul searching and experiences.  I have standards now.  I am a much better and stronger person because of what I have learned.

Anyway, I wanted to share this song because it was on my mind tonight…

The Fray – Heartbeat


This is my new favorite song :)

The Fray – “Heartbeat”

We’re on an open bed truck on the highway
The rain is coming down and we’re on the run
Think I can feel the breath in your body
We gotta keep on running ’til we see the sun

Oh you got a fire and it’s burning in the rain
Thought that it went out, but it’s burning just the same
And you don’t look back, not for anything
‘Cause if you love someone, you love them all the same
If you love someone, you love them all the same

Oh, I feel your heartbeat
And you’re coming around, coming around, coming around
If you can love somebody, love them all the same
You gotta love somebody, love them all the same
Singing, oh, I feel your heartbeat

I’m trying to put it all back together.
I’ve got a story and I’m trying to tell it right.
I got the kerosene and a desire.
I’m trying to start a flame in the heart of the night

Oh you got a fire and it’s burning in the rain
Thought that it went out, but it’s burning just the same
And you don’t look back, not for anything
‘Cause if you love someone, you love them all the same
If you love someone, you love them all the same

Oh, I feel your heartbeat
And you’re coming around, coming around, coming around
If you can love somebody, love them all the same
You gotta love somebody, love them all the same
Singing, oh, I feel your heartbeat

Ooh, ooh
I know the memories are rushing into mind
I wanna kiss your scars tonight, baby
‘Cause you gotta try
You gotta let me in
Let me in

Oh, I feel your heartbeat
And you’re coming around, coming around, coming around
You gotta love somebody
You got, you gotta love somebody
You got, you got
Oh, I feel your heartbeat

Oh yeah, oh yeah
Heartbeat

Shinedown – Call me


“Call Me” by Shinedown

Wrap me in a bolt of lightning
Send me on my way still smiling
Maybe that’s the way I should go,
Straight into the mouth of the unknown
I left the spare key on the table
Never really thought I’d be able to say
I merely visit on the weekends
I lost my whole life and a dear friend

I’ve said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I’ve tried

[Chorus]
Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it’s over I’ll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it’s over I don’t want you to hurt
It’s all that I can say. So, I’ll be on my way

I finally put it all together,
But nothing really lasts forever
I had to make a choice that was not mine,
I had to say goodbye for the last time
I kept my whole life in suitcase,
Never really stayed in one place
Maybe that’s the way it should be,
You know I live my life like a gypsy

I’ve said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I’ve tried

[Chorus]
Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it’s over I’ll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it’s over I don’t want you to hurt
It’s all that I can say. So, I’ll be on my way

I’ll always keep you inside, you healed my
Heart and my life… And you know I try.

[Chorus]
Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it’s over I’ll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it’s over I don’t want you to hurt
It’s all that I can say. So, I’ll be on my way
So, I’ll be on my way
So, I’ll be on my way

Crossfade – Invincible


Crossfade – “Invincible”

I memorized all the words for you
But if you only knew
How much that’s just not like me
I wait up late every night
Just to hear your voice
But you don’t know that’s nothing like me

You know I wonder how you already figured out
All these things that I try to hide
All this time i’ve been hoping you don’t find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

I can’t be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I’m invincible
You come and happen to me

I want to make sure everything is perfect for you
If you only knew
That’s not like me to follow through
Maybe even give up all these dead end dreams
Just to be with you
But you don’t know that’s nothing like me

Hey yeah I wonder how you already figured out
All these things that I try to hide
All this time i’ve been hoping you don’t find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

I can’t be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I’m invincible
You come and happen to me

Now I’m waking up
I’ve finally had enough of this wreck of a lifetime
I never thought I’d survive it
Now I’m taking back
All I gave up for that
Leave my pain behind
Wash these stains from my life

Just when I thought all was lost
You came and made it all okay

I can’t be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I’m invincible
You come and happen to me

I can’t be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I’m invincible
You come and happen to me

I memorized all the words for you
If you only knew
How much that’s just not like me

From then until now


Ashley and I’s number is “17.”  She would dare to do the unspeakable.  It’s funny because she had told me to go to this station… now called “Iheartradio,” saying that she “loved” Shinedown, and I shit you not, I go to it, 5 years later and SHINEDOWN is on the front page…

It’s eerie.  Anyway, this isn’t the original video that I saw, but one similar… the original was live in New York on November 17th, 2005.  And right when he says his first “I Dare You,” I think of Ashley completely.

He has truly admirable qualities… a good head on his shoulder’s, passion, conviction, sincerity, loyalty.  When he says “Call me a liar,” you cannot dispute his authenticity.  He knows the truth and it’s irrefutable.

I feel like I should give my very worst fear a  voice.  I feel like I should say, right now, “I’m afraid she’s going to call me up and tell me that she’s marrying someone.”  Another part of me doesn’t want to write that on this page and put it “out” there.

I feel like I am missing out on her life right now… so many things… her grandmother – is she still alive?  How’s Wesley? etc.

Yet another part of me trusts that things will turn out the way that they should.  You know, it sucks when you know things that other people don’t… yet you have to remain silent.  I know some things are better of kept a secret.  I also don’t want to, and won’t, die pretending I don’t care.  I cannot, for the life of me, be someone that I am not.

There exists an unspeakable, undeniable truth.

Conviction of purpose.

Tank- Celebrate


 

“Celebration” by Tank

Now is a celebration
Oh girl lets celebrate
Yeah it’s a celebration
Oh girl lets celebrate
Baby tonight I’m yours
Baby come on in and wrap your gift
Know you can find it in stores
Some tailor-made for you
It’s like ohhhh
You don’t wanna miss this
Iit feels like it’s Christmas
Yeah its a holiday but I’m open for business
We got a bottle of that Rose
Baby we gon’ celebrate
Make it feel like its your birthday
Baby girl lets celebrate
Party after party I cant wait to celebrate
All up on your body
Baby your my sensei
Baby 4th of July
Right between your thighs it’s like fireworks
Just light up the sky
Don’t need no reservation your my invitation
To this love making
This a celebration
When you last close the door
Lets teach you this sex education
Since you passed every course
Hats off to your graduation
It’s like oooh, ooooooooh
[Chorus]How’d I do how’d I do, baby tell me how you feel
They say real girls ain’t never perfect, perfect girls ain’t real
I’d I agree, but I guess we’ll just wait and see
Cause I swear you act like perfect is the only way to be
Nothing matters ‘cept for you, don’t let no one out here blind you
Don’t remember why you love me, please allow me to remind you
And I know you left me once, but I came right back to find you
Even though I like being in your past you got a bright future behind you
Oh, damn, oh
Girl I must admit I look amazing next to you
Girl you crazy, sexy, cool and you stayed obsessed to school
But that’s good, cause you know that them grades impress me too
And my free days are just for you, but I don’t get many
Its like every time we spend time, it feels like the first time
Cause we never spend enough time, you catch me at the worst time
It ain’t like your not worth time, just I don’t control it
But tonight I made it happen just to celebrate the moment
Give it up one time
[Chorus]

“You  know, I don’t know what I’d do if she were in my life right now…

1, 2, 3 …

I’m on step 1, I haven’t even gotten her back into my life yet so I can’t even begin thinking beyond the first step.”

“How many more years are we going to do this to each other?”

                                                             -Personal Journal

The Waifs – The River


 

The Waifs- The River

I stood and watched my daddy die,
no one could help his plight.
He was trying to save our home
on the day that the river rose.

It came alive, I heard them say,
There was nothing we could do as he washed away.

… Running from the heart of it,
right into the core of it.

Running from the heart of it…

I’m the man now, but I’m only seven
Well, it’s been hard since daddy went to heaven.
We’re staying now, my mama said,
He worked this land, his life is here.

Running from the heart of it,
right into the cause of it

Running from the heart…

Won’t you follow me late at night,
to the river where the moon is bright.
We can wash our sorrow down
underneath that shining ground.

We’ll be sitting in the still night air,
can’t you feel our daddy there.
There’s life and death and all this power
underneath these shining stars.

Running from the heart of it,
right into the cause of it

Running from the heart…