May 30th, 2011. Transition.

I am psychologically enmeshed, and I have been involved with an entire family of narcissists.  I am sure that there is a lesson in all of this, which will make itself known to me.

I lost my father when I was 19 and perhaps never quite recovered from the loss, because since, I have sought out the “security” of this loss through unhealthy relationships with addicted and psychologically disturbed individuals.  They have sucked the life out of me, and now I am about to be free though I am dreading what’s on the other “side” — the “light” more than anything, and it’s as though I have forgotten what “life” tastes like.

I cannot believe that it has been 3 years that I have been involved with Erin.  I also cannot believe that I allowed two other relationships to waste and take over (control) of my life prior to that.  I have not been happy since 2006 and have sort of been in this downward spiral of attracting nutcases.

I guess I need to be alone and grieve the many important losses — ie, my father, in my life before this destructive pattern continues.  I have hope for myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel virtually numb right now I am so much in shock.  I am so lonely and sad… I feel in many ways on some level like I deserved to be treated this way, but I know that no one deserves it, and I didn’t cause it.  I am sure I played a role and enabled at points, but I was not aware of it, and it still doesn’t make abuse on someone else’s part right.

I am not even going to ask for the support of anyone right now because of the tremendous guilt I feel right now.  I feel, like usual, like this was my fault even though I know it wasn’t.  It is hard to believe that someone can love you when they treat you in such a way.  Erin would often say one thing and do another, and the things that she would say to me, ie: “Go fuck yourself,” “Go to hell,” “I will go and ‘fuck’ whoever I want,” etc. were beyond my comprehension.

I have made a very honest attempt to be honest, and I have changed and grown up a lot, and the truth is, I have just found myself in a very bad habit of destructive relationships, and I truly believe all of these — this pattern, to be linked to the unresolved grievance of my father.

I am hurting.

April 25th, 2011. Coaching session today! Dream with Judy…

I have a coaching session in one hour.  Anyway, I wanted to share a song.  I had a dream last night that my mother was dominating and overtaking my life.  I was in school in a dream, and she was questioning me and completely undermining me.  She did not believe what I said and so she went to my teacher, and I was really embarrassed.  She didn’t even believe the teacher.  Anyway, I felt overwhelmed, and when I woke up, this song came to my mind…

“Starless” by Crossfade.

If only you could watch me fall
I cannot feel it anymore
The soul you cut the soul you adore
Cannot feel you anymore
Cause you’ve run through me with destructive force
I think somehow I gotta get it straight
I gotta get you out of me
But I cannot get through to you

See me I’m down and I get deeper with every breath
See me I’m over the edge farther with every step
See me I’m down and I get deeper with every breath
Standing over the edge I’m taking my last breath

How I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to fade now
And how I feel like I’m starless
I’m hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to fade now
And now I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to burn out

I can transcend you and mentally bend you
But I can’t handle the shit that I’m into
I have been blinded and always reminded
Of the things I’ve wanted but I never could find
I am a part of a world that I hate I wish the
End would come faster my world’s a disaster
Can’t you see that I’m down and I’m drowning
And I can’t keep my head above my wake

I gotta get you out of my veins
I gotta get you out of my blood
I gotta get you out of my scene
I gotta get you out of me

What I’m really trying hard to get down to words
Is the way I fit into this world
Things I survived pushed me to the darker side
Because of life as it was the life that was yours
Should have been mine
But I never could take anymore of this
Cause I’m always gonna get down to the floor
It’s a cold gun that I kiss
‘Cause I cannot break anymore

Somehow I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to fade now
That’s how I feel when I’m starless
I’m hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to burn out oh
Now I’m starless

March 12th, 2011. Threats from my own “mother!” (LYME disease related).

I spoke with my “mother” today; miss Judy Lynn Downham, and she is threatening to sue me for asking her for help with my lyme and for posting the fact that my “family” won’t help me on facebook and on this journal!  She is nuts!

At any rate, I have had to delete all of my “family” and friends off of facebook because she will use any of the information she can get her hands on, including them, to use against me.  She is narcissistic and even my father stated this and used it in court to testify against her and her child abuse.  She tried taking him for all of the house assets, etc.

She called me today and wanted specifics on how much I owe on student loans and how much her husband co-signed for.  She also said she wanted to see my health records.  She claimed that I was “harassing, slandering, and blackmailing her,” which I am not.  She is literally throwing out words to gain the upper hand.

She can shell out hundreds of dollars to my brother and possibly sister yet she refuses to help me with anything.  I have not even asked her for anything in literally years.  She is obsessed with maintaining power and control and only uses Jerry.  I am now convinced that she has him wrapped around her pretty little finger.  The fact is, she is sick.  She threatened suicide after cheating on my father.  She is emotionally unstable.

At any rate, I am like a worn out shoe to her… she pawns her stuff off on me.  Everything is about reputation, and it always has been.  I am not sending her any records.  I will post my test results on here.  I am not going to send her records only to have her use them against me as further evidence that I am “harassing” her.  She is absolutely nuts.

I am going to pay for my own lyme treatment. I am selling my car.

March 11th, 2011. Blown off again!

I hate it when people blow me off.  Michael just blew me off again.  He blew me off a few months ago on New Years Eve and again tonight.  We had made plans a few days ago to hang out tonight, and I checked up last night on facebook to verify that we were still planning to hang out.  He said “yes.”  This afternoon I texted him to let him know that Erin’s father is definitely going to be out of town and that our plans to see the movie are still on.  He said that he had some “packing” to do and he’ll “let me know.”  Let me know what, I thought… “Oh, that’s right, let me know what time we’re going to hang out!”  Sarcasm!

I asked for clarification because his response sounded vague.  I said, “K cool.  We’re def chillin’ though, right?” There was definitely an expectation and a desire to have respect shown this time because the last time we had plans, similarly on a Friday, he blew me off.  Michael did not respond to my text.

At 5:30 I received a text from him saying, “Hey.  I wasn’t expecting a txt so late.  I’m bringing my stuff to NJ.  Can we reschedule.” I was thinking, “Excuse you?”  …a text when?!  I texted him at 2, nearly 3PM in response to his text immediately after his!  HE was the one texting me late!  I knew it right then that he was blowing me off yet again.  I became (and am) angry.  I am angry right now because this is the second time he has blown me off.

I said to him, “You were going to text me after packing and we were going to hang out…  I have been waiting to hear back from you to see when you wanted to get together.”  He said, “I know.  I just got done.”  I said, “What do you mean you weren’t expecting a text this late?  I am on facebook, please clarify.”  He said, “I meant I wasn’t expecting to txt this late.”  Again, he is being vague.  At this point it is clear that he is dumping me off.  It is also obvious that he is immature and not capable, or interested in via his actions, of following-through and being a friend.

He says that he “cares,” yet he continually blows me off, and when we do hang out, it’s to accompany him.  There is always a motive.  We had hung out the other day and the plan was to hang out and just chill for a couple hours… We met up at 4PM and we ended up walking, and within the first twenty minutes of the walk he stops and looks at his phone and says that he has an appointment at the gym at “5:30.”  4:30 rolls around and he says that he wants to go early.  He had suggested I “follow” him to the gym if I want to spend time with him.  Excuse you?  I am not here to accommodate you and/or accompany you!  I am here to spend time with you, not just pass time!

I had no clue that he had plans at the gym, nor did I know that we had a “time” limit, which by the way (see above) he cut short.  I do not feel like this individual is making time for me or follow-through on agreements (plans).  I am reminded of my ex, Jackie, and while Michael and I are not together, I would like to be good friends with him because I think he’s a good person and has good energy, but the fact is he’s just not reliable.  This baffles me because when I first met him in AA he said that he tries his best to “follow-through” with things and walk the talk etc. and stated that he “sponsors” men, etc.  He presented himself as polished and responsible, which by his actions, he is not.  There is a contradiction.

At any rate, I addressed my concerns to him and also stated that his actions hurt my feelings and his response was to sabotage our friendship.  Instead of taking responsibility for his behavior, he deflected the situation, stating that I am “too sensitive,” haha.  He stated, “You are way too sensitive.  You’ve flipped out on me twice.  I don’t want to be friends I’m sorry.  Please redelete me.” “Flipped out?”  Excuse you?  Of COURSE I am going to flip out when you blow me off not once, but twice!  The first time we had plans to go see poetry and you stated you couldn’t, and the second plans we had had for over a week –on New Years Eve, and you blow me off!  You expect this to be okay?

This “macho” guy cannot follow-through.  He is fronting.  He is pretentious and pretending to be someone he’s not, ie: all “responsible,” etc. and such, and it’s fake.  He’s  not sincere.  He refuses to take responsibility for his actions.  He admitted he is superficial, but that does not negate, or justify blowing people off and then making matters worse by deflecting the situation!  My point being, he’s not reliable and is immature.  There isn’t anything more frustrating than someone who walks all over someone and refuses to take responsibility for their actions.  The integrity is missing 100%.  Bottom line:  He is selfish.

What I would have liked to see is him follow-through for once, seeing as how he blew me off last time.  And two, taking steps to correct the situation. Instead, he deflects the situation and makes ME the problem, ie:  “You’re too sensitive.” He refuses to look at himself or his behavior and how hurtful and frustrating it is to others.  He does not care though, as demonstrated by his actions and lack of consistency and execution, and there isn’t anything that I can (or want to) do to change him.  Bottom line:  He’s irresponsible and incapable of demonstrating integrity.




(212) 799-1121 Dr. HOROWITZ.
(610) 869- 0270 Dr. CORSON.
(212) 799-1121 Dr. RAXIEN.




March 3rd, 2011. Boundaries. Clashes. Values.

It’s time that I put up boundaries with Erin because I am not about to be fooled again.  I feel like I am getting played, and I have felt this way off and on for months now; realistically, a couple of yearsShame on me for not walking away. Denial is what brings me right “back” again, into the loop… the vicious cycle.  She is bulshit.  Everything about her.  I hate her and how she lies through her teeth.  She gets off on deceiving people.  She even deceives herself.  The problem is I get caught up every time and give in.  I call her a push over, and most of the time she is, yet I am a push over for not walking away.  I guess I am scared to.  My heart is too intertwined.  I hate it.

Every time I gain some momentum she pulls me back again with her sweetness… she gets physically close to me and it causes me to “believe” things have changed.  Wrong.

I am only fooling and deceiving myself.  She is still the same cruel, heartless, distant, cold, insensitive, selfish, and calculating person she is.  My poem reads, “There isn’t any ‘love’ in goodbye,” which indicates how hard (difficult) it has been for me to walk away from unhealthy attachments.

I guess the messages that we learn in childhood can either keep us imprisoned or we can break out of them somehow.

How do we free ourselves?  What is the ‘glue’ that holds us together?  If denial then denial of what?  Where is this ‘landmine’ I have stepped on, if such an invisible barrier?  How can I learn to recognize it?  The red

flags?  Those things that we are supposed to keep our eyes wide-open to?  See, I saw them, but I was so used to them from my mother and previous relationships that I overlooked them, passing them off as something I “haven’t already handled.” The fact is, she became too good at her game, and unfortunately I lost mine.  Now I am stuck in a battle — a no-win situation, and I have clearly lost.  Myself.

I am ready and desiring to reclaim myself.  First comes the boundaries:

So when she comes at me and wants to tear down my walls:

What do I do?  Do I just stand there?  Take it?  The solution would be to walk away, but “how” I ask, do you walk away from the only thing (false love, ie: narcissistic love) you’ve ever known?  And when real love should present itself, how do you trust it?  If trust is shattered and you have been stripped of your dignity, then how can you trust again?  …how can you even trust yourself when your natural instinct has been deceived?

I want to hang Erin against a wall… what I mean by this is I want to see her held accountable for her actions, as I am so tired of her getting herself off the hook and sweet talking herself out of everything, including her stupid accident which was near-death and drug/substance-induced which she nearly killed someone and was able to talk her way out of getting alcohol/drug tested by the on-scene police officer!  I am angry at her for her “I’ll do ‘whatever I want, ‘when’ I want attitude” at the expense of others.  She’s a fucking antisocial (sociopath) woman.  I do not trust her for the life of me and nobody should because she’s hype and glee one day and a cruel, calculated witch the next.

I am sick and tired of this shit, and I am once again “packing my bags,” both figuratively and literally.  I have stuff all over my room right now sorted into different containers once again trying to figure out what I “need” and don’t need.  I do not trust my stability/security, ie: Erin and Rick’s home.  I do not trust Erin — as we have already established.

“Kicked around,” “Played with,” “Punched,” “Lied to,” “Deceived” — You name it, I have been.  It has happened to me.  I am sick and tired of it and am trying to develop standards for myself so that I can get the hell out of here.  I must admit having a car will make it a lot easier!  I am going to try my best not to lose my car and hope to God that my funds are not as low as I anticipated.  I am going to honestly, somehow have to “pull up my bootstraps” and fly.  I cannot wait-stay here; it is not healthy for me.  We have known (already established) this, yet I am pretty thick-sculled because my heart is hurting so bad that I don’t want to face the grief (another loss added to the many others that I have had trouble grieving) to deal with.

Apparently I have a hard time with grief, and maybe I choose to become locked into these patterns to avoid having to face it.  The harsh reality is I am going to have to face it because there will soon come a point where I am on my own officially.  Honestly, a part of me wants to be on my own, as scary and frightening as that might seem… It’s a challenge for sure; however, being/living in Philly is not a challenge… it is downright scary.  There isn’t any “challenge” in an area that is unsafe, as I have zero interest in living in an area that is unsafe.

I am interested in living in an area where I can grow and reach and aspire to be my best.  I do not want to have to worry about my back, which I feel like in Philly you can’t do anything but that, and it doesn’t help that that is the impression Erin feeds me daily.  I do not want to have to live my life that way… To be quite honest, if it wasn’t for Erin I would not even be in Philadelphia.  I came here namely for the relationship… to continue it because I wanted things to be okay… and I believed her when she said that all she needed was her “family” and that everything would be “alright.”  Wrong.  It got worse.

I took the bait.  At any rate, I choose on some level, whether subconsciously or consciously, to come to Philly.  Some part of me chose — maybe the underdeveloped part of myself that longs for a “family.”  The sad fact is, “family” to me is not the kind of family I want in my life… it’s narcissistic.  I don’t want narcissistic “love” in my life.  I want real love, and it starts with myself… so the reality is I have to get away from here.  I need to leave.  This place doesn’t do me any good, and it’s only hurting me (worse) being here.  It’s only reinforcing the false internalized belief that I am not loveable or respectable or worthy.

I can’t determine my worth anymore in the eyes of others… not in those who are unworthy of my love, time, attention, and respect.  I cannot allow myself to be walked on.  Thus, I need to put up boundaries; it is absolutely necessary for my health and survival.  I need to start now.  As hard as it might seem/be, I need to, because I cannot continue to live a lie and live a life that does not serve (enrich) me.  I am wasting precious, valuable opportunities… I cannot let a thief bring me down… I cannot let him/her rob me of my soul.  Life is a precious jewel, and I want to treat it that way.  I will not short-change myself.

February 10th, 2011. Some people, baffle me.

As I listen to Erin address customers, she states in this high-pitched fake, glimmer voice, “Sir” –“Sir” this and “Sir” that.  What does “sir” mean if she doesn’t even mean it?  Additionally, “customer service” first she states–what does that mean if she can’t even be honest in her relations with others?  How she was promoted to manager I have no idea because she displays zero leadership skills or integrity, both personally and professionally –continually lying, cheating, stealing, etc.  She is notorious for having affairs with married people strictly business-related!  She gets crushes on every new employee there is, especially if they are young and influential.

I get so angry when she blows me off and insists on her way when it’s entirely biased or one-sided.  I hate it.  I hate how rude and inconsiderate she can be.  She is defensive and secretive.  She lies and then tells people she deserves to have “privacy” –Okay, so if having affairs is her “own business” I don’t know what else to say.  It is frustrating expressing to her my feelings during moments of clarity only to have her shit all over them later and “talk is cheap” –she does the opposite of what she says.  Do you know how draining this is?

People will say to me, “Emily, why do you keep trying?” and it’s like, because we are living together, and as long as we are living together, I want respect!  And just to clarify, my idea of “respect” is not “control” or control-based like everyone that lives here.  Respect = reciprocity, honesty, not cussing at one another, not throwing things, yelling raging… it’s about sharing, etc.  As long as I am living here I will fight for that because it is the only thing that makes sense.  It makes absolutely no sense to me to be disrespectful, controlling, intimidating, angry, hostile, etc.

See, when I first moved into this household I remember journaling in my handwritten journal about how you’re either “in” the game or you’re “out.”  I was out… I did not belong or fit into the dysfunctional family system here… yet I got sucked in.  Everyone has to fit a role.  Sal, Erin’s brother left, and in a way, I automatically took his “place.”  I hate it.  I just want to be a part from them all… I do not want anything to do with the family if I am not going to be treated like a human being.

Erin always finds ways to weezle her way around things… to talk her way in and out of things, etc.  I am so tired of her stupid rationalizing and justifying and just plain-old selfishness.  She is selfish, manipulative, and defiant.  She’s closed down and defensive.  From the moment I met her it was “”X” fucked me over” and “Y” screwed me over.”  Now I just want to say, “Erin, you screwed yourself over and yet you blame others.” She basically acts out selfishly and cold and then feels guilty and instead of facing that guilt and moreover living up to the consequences she finds a way to rationalize and blame others –it’s pretty low.

I want to start reading about “character” again and to start growing up again.  I was doing so well the last few years before I moved here and now everything is screwed up, and I have been brought down to their level.  I want myself back.  I want to get my room arranged, etc. and feel comfortable in my room –this would include buying a heater since the heater does not work and being able to just really use the room as a retreat and warm spot.  I want to just go to work and come home at ease and not have my peace constantly disturbed… with Erin she’s unstable… there isn’t any counting on her.

I still and cannot, and likely will not, be able to wrap my head around this kind of living and this lifestyle.  It baffles me.  I have reached out a little bit and have joined some meetup groups –one which seems really good.  I was given two phone #’s by two 32, 33 next week year-old black women who are beautiful, smart, and young-spirited and have their master degrees!  We plan to hang out soon.  I think they’ll be a positive, healthy influence for me.  I am supposed to hang out with one of them next week and we’re going to go see a movie.

I am going to work on a valentine card now.

June 17th, 2010; My past, my experience, “mother.” Grief stage 2: Anger.

You know, maybe I didn’t really take much interest in the family
because I couldn’t relate.
I wasn’t into sports
and comedy
so maybe I was a little “self-absorbed”
like, with Max and my uncles:

I relate…
I can talk to them
about them
about their lives, interests
because we share those
but I didn’t identify with the things
my adopted family was into
they wanted me to be someone else
and maybe I needed them to be someone else, so I could relate…

There was never anyone to relate to
The first time I related was when I met Max and Lisa
in a family way
it was amazing…








but it hurts that my “family” (adopted) and I never connected
and that my mother did not accept me and tried to change me

I never tried to get my family to change
not to my knowledge
I just tried to get them to understand
I was the outcast to them
why couldn’t I be “popular” (“‘s are expectations that have now become internalized beliefs)
and like “everyone else,” my mother would say

She would criticize me
it was pretty extreme
and yeah, that’s her own shit (I say with animosity and bitterness) but still…
what “mother” criticizes their daughter?
and undercuts her?
undermines her
a narcissistic mother

I mean, I couldn’t do anything right with her
she would criticize me for how I held my silverware
no wonder I was so fucking self conscious
she would act like I was a fucking alien
as though she did not know me…
god forbid I be my own person
not one of her own
and worse, be directly related to her sister
her terrible “disruptive,” “rebellious” sister

Jeanie was not a bad person
she was outspoken
Judy was just different
she always wanted to be popular
it was all she cared about
her and Jeanie were just so different
Jeanie could care less about being popular… she just wanted to have fun and live life
they butt heads
my mother could not separate her sister from me

She’d call me a “bitch”
demean me
call me “Jeanie” –“Jeanie” this and “Jeanie” that
to the point where I could not even talk without being intrrupted and insulted
when I’d talk she’d slap me in the face
and say I was “back-talking”
or she’d pull my hair
or throw the remote control at me
she couldn’t separate
and I stood in-between… in the middle… of her masquerade… her rocky horror show

“it was never my own,” I always said, assuring myself that this couldn’t be about me
but I could have sworn it to be when I was a kid –and through my teenage
and early adult years
kids believe things their parents say
my mother taught me to hate myself
because I trusted her
and her words
“bitch” — “you’re nothing but a fucking weirdo” etc.
I hate her.

Erin said to me one time in one of her fit and rages, “go to hell”
well, I hope she –and my “mother” “go to hell”
I just want to speak
This grief needs a voice
Stage 2 –Anger
I am angry at her
SHE can “go to hell”
That is me dispelling my frustration for her insults
I internalized her words
And  mistook them for truth
I swallowed them whole
How ever did I ingest such poison?
Creating toxic shame

However did I learn to love and believe in myself?
Well, that’s simple… I haven’t yet…
and that is a lesson I need to learn
self-love and acceptance
because god knows I didn’t get any from her growing up

She spit all over me
I could never be my own person
I was never seen AS a person
I was a screen for her to project onto
as I said before, I swallowed it whole
now I have toxic shame and grief as tall as the Berlin wall turned upside

and my trust is shattered
the truth (unconditional love) in my eyes runs (ran) thin,
because all I experienced were lies
strings –attached
“If you were like the ‘other’ girls, you would be good enough” –until then I will call you a “bitch” and a “fucking weirdo” a half a dozen times
and demean, slap, and criticize you
until you get it through your head that you
just don’t measure up

I could not fight back
And now I am the bad guy??
when I bring it up to her?
I am the “bad” guy for saying, “Mom, I felt this way, and it hurt me… your words/actions hurt me…”
“Mom, these are my feelings as a result of your hostile and cruel actions”
“Mom, you have hurt me and shattered my trust”
“Mom, I learned from you that it’s OK to be abused”
Mom, you can walk all over me and criticize me and demean me;
you can pull my hair, berate me, throw objects at me, and then tell me you love me…
mom, you are a Jekyll and a Hyde

And you keep smiling to the world
How-ever, could, should, they know
the real truth
and I sit here as you hide behind some image
behind some face
a mask…
“Mom, how could you have never seen?”
the real thing
the beautiful person inside, behind your projections
your smoke-filled screen of lies and distortions
How could you have never seen, or heard the-my heartfelt cries?
or saw the tears?
large enough to fill an ocean
“How could you have not been there when I was screaming, “Mom, please — Jerry is scarring me… he’s hurting me”
I’m not sure which was worse, you hurting me emotionally or him hurting me physically

She could never live up to her actions
I was a smoke-filled screen, I repeat
A slat for her rants and slanders
curse words
not some dry erase board, either, or blackboard… it was permanent
the scarring
the damage
to my self esteem
hitting me like a lethal dose of cocaine
and all I wanted was some fucking oxygen
to breathe
to be my OWN person
to live separate from her
but she warped me into her world
her sick, twisted little world
Her tongue so sharp… bullets
I was constantly dodging bullets

I could not fight back
it was as though my wrist and hands had been tied
and my throat slit
and her tongue was stuck in my mouth
emotional incest
she would not let me breathe
I could not escape her presence
as she always found a way to pull me back in
to say something more
it was so disruptive to my psyche
anything to get to me
to cast me out
she would keep me wrapped around her dirty little finger
squeezing me to death
and not with love or hugs
but venom
“polluting the airways,” I say

I cannot breathe when she’s choking me with her words
her toxins
my screams were not loud enough for anyone to hear
I felt helpless
I kicked, and I screamed
I wanted her OFF me (her presence)
she would not stop, as she beat her head against me
and it hurt me (further psychologically damaged) me every time

my dad tried to step in, but even she brought him down…
drowning him… drowning out his voice
there was no safety
and no “love in goodbye” in my mind
for I was too tied to her
too wrapped around her finger
to understand
to see the truth vs. a lie
and it was all a lie, but it became my truth…
that was my reality
for so long
her slander and insults
and fits and swings
she can go fuck herself
I hate her, I repeat.

And still, it’s years later, and yes, this is my grief
finally coming out
she’s a joke
a heartless
cruel… crude
I do not recognize her face — this woman who hits me with inanimate objects then claims to “love” me
reinforcing her superficial image with passages from her bible

it sounds like such bulshit to me –hypocrisy
“You want me to believe you,” mother?  Yet you’re so fucking inconsistent, and yet I swallow it
that has become my reality
who would have guessed?
I think it’s funny how I’m a psych major
and how I want to understand all of this
and people
and for things to make sense
my fucking “life” never made sense… my reality with her
which WAS my life because she would not let me separate
it was, as I said, like “dodging bullets”

fuck her
and like my poem says, “and fuck him, too, for not having enough strength in his heart to pull through”
and “fuck you for all the times you told me I’d never amount to anything”
“because some day I am going to be on the top of the world”
“and throw it in your face”
“you’re such a fucking, goddamn disgrace”
those were the words she spoke to me indirectly…
I ingested her projections
I just want to say sarcastically, “I’m sorry, ‘mom,’ did I disappoint you?”
Was there a mis-communciation?  Did I get switched at the hospital?
Do I remind you of someone else?
“Was I not everything you wanted me to be?”
“Is your money not enough, your lovely ‘dream’ mansion –the car, the cash flow.”
Is it still not enough for such a sick narcissist like yourself?

I want to say, “Oh my god you have a pimple on your face!”
“Are you going to fall apart now, ‘mother?’ lovely mother?”
Are you going to shatter?
Oh, wait, your mirror has been imperfectly perfected….
“Mother, you expected me to pick up the pieces”
…”and be responsible for your happiness?!”
“Fuck you, mom!”
She can kiss my ass
her utopia
her idea of perfection
extending to me so far that if I should at all have my own wishes and desires she would throw me to the curb
all while retaining such a lovely poised face
a “white picket” fence reality
quite literally

wow, the delusion
I mean, illusion
the “delusion” on her part
to not even see me as a separate person
narcissistic wounding?
“Oh, I’m so sorry dear mother… was it that bad?”
I was a fucking victim
she took me down
she can kiss my fucking ass
she’s so pathetic
and yet she feeds off people
like a mother fucking vampire
what the fuck do I look like?
I have already been poisoned
what else is left?

nothing, nobody… just Jerry… but that’s right, he’s too preoccupied with his bottle and his sports/news television
“How does it feel now, mom?”
…”to be all alone?  –to be faced with yourself and no one else?”
is it comforting?  consoling?  …knowing, mother, that you have pushed everyone away??
with your vanity
your pseudo-charm
your riches
your material wealth
your false security, happiness
your veneer, your guise, your “mask”
your filter
I must say you sure had no “filter” back then
just degradation

she slapped me
and my god I’m finally seeing a good dose of reality
but I still feel just every bit as angry as I first did when I first encountered it –the abuse
the only difference now is that I have more clarity
I’m stronger than her
but what’s a “man” (person) to do?
now that he can see through the glass?
I am speechless.

if she were a dog, I’d say while she’s licking her chops —
“Have you had ‘enough’ yet?”
has she devoured enough and consumed enough?
excuse me for bringing up a dog… I’m just saying… sometimes she’s like a dog in that she’s that low to the ground with her actions and insults
there is a lack of obvious integrity… of truth, of honesty… of respect of any kind
she sold out
for a pretty image
sold her soul
I was taken down in the craziness
and somewhere my sense of self got thrown out the window
I couldn’t have one with her
it threatened her
her precious image
God forbid I wasn’t her lovely princess
I was constantly, unfavorably compared to her biological siblings
and devalued
compared to Jeanie
my dad fought to have full custody of me
claiming her to be “mentally incompetent”
yet she won –joint-custody
convinced the judge
with her charisma
it’s like a false negative
when it’s really positive
she was positive for a lethal dose of cocaine
and I got shot up
I didn’t want to
I had no choice
she might as well lined my head up against a brick wall and shot me
what “choice” did I have?
It was that simple
her words were insults
beyond cruel
and I couldn’t even recognize her
how could I trust someone who would hurt me, both physically, emotionally, verbally, and spiritually?
You know what?

“Actions speak louder than words”
and she’ll die old knowing that –that she was wrong
but will she ever admit it to herself?
to I?
not for the life of her
shame would never allow her to
was someone else always to blame?
because her childhood was so “horrendous”
because she didn’t get enough “attention,” she stated to my therapist during our one and only group session
which she switched from one face to the next
give me a fucking godamn break
the minute we walked out of that office she turned her back on me
as if the session never existed
as if it was all a joke…
I learned quickly it meant nothing…
just another false hope for the little girl inside of me
“attention,” mother?
you spoiled rotten narcissistic child

Jeanie was honest
she was truthful
she said it like it was
my “mother” couldn’t take it
she wanted to be the center of attention
something terrible went wrong when she was born
something got switched
in the head
something terrible happened
because she never let go of this need for attention

whoring it up with guys
behind my father’s back
for breaking apart our family
our home
breaking my sister’s heart
never showing up for her prom
blowing my brother off
so fucking self-absorbed
too caught up in herself
too busy fucking other men to see she had a devoted husband and children that loved her
lying to my dad
over and over
and yet he had to catch her!
with his own eyes
imagine the agony
that my father felt
and how he had to just shake his head and put on a face, telling the family that everything’s “alright”
what a fucking lie
my poor father

he went into self- denial because of her delusion!
and yet we hear another story
never knowing what to believe
but our own experiences
which seem to frightening to trust– to let into our minds and bodies –our psyches
so we too gt caught-up in the self-denial
and then the truth gets buried

until someone like Jeanie or I speak about it
crack the silence
and yet we’re pointed at
scapegoated against
God forbid I EVER opened my mouth to ANYONE –with my “mother”
she would slap me silly
fuck HER!
fuck me for calling her on her shit!
yet that would NEVER slide with her
she had to preserve the “image” that things were ‘perfect’
telling her girlfriends that I was the “best” daughter; this “straight A” student yet talking shit behind my back and physically abusing me??
Jekyl and fucking Hyde
You never knew what to expect

I call it a lot of garbage, a lot of trash
and unfortunately I swarmed in it for much of my life
buried alive in it
I could not breathe
it was to the top
I could not see
clarity lacked
I got away (to VT) and then I was accused of being “disloyal” to the family –by my BROTHER!
fuck that shit!
for getting the space NECESSARY
to breathe
to see
through the phony fucking veneer
my God she –and now my brother and sister who have been sucked in
must live such a SAD life
a lonely fucking existence

man, to see her with this alcoholic
who mirrors her useless existence
god have mercy on her
pity her
my god do I feel sorry for her
how the hell can I feel sorry for someone who treated without any respect?
who doesn’t respect herself
who doesn’t THINK about her actions
who goes and FUCKS whoever will give her attention
and who flirts with people to get attention
she complains like a fucking martyr
yet she’s CHOOSING to be with him
he’s a fucking mirror of her
and she doesn’t even see it
yet she elicits sympathy from her friends
“oh, Jerry this, Jerry that”
wake the FUCK up
open your eyes

I am 26 years old, and I STILL cannot “exist” with her
I am STILL a threat to her
and the more I break away, the more shit she still continues to say to me
to try and tear, wear me down
how pathetic

who’s going to take care of her when she’s old and grey?
who’s going to be there for her because she cut out everyone else
the only person she can manipulate is her lovely daughter, Amy
who she has managed to enmesh
so bad she has turned Amy on me
of course Amy would disagree because she is in self-denial
pretty fucking pathetic
Amy can’t see through it
because inside she’s afraid and is clinging like a child
there is no judgment there
it’s a normal reaction to an abnormal, shocking response (my dad’s death)
still, there is denial tearing us apart, creating walls that separate
exactly what my “mother” wants!

and my mother just embellishes and embellishes and embellishes
how is there truth in a lie?
how has the truth become a lie?
how has the lie become the truth for some, those who batted for m and were strong within themselves?
how does my sister not see through it?
and me in the background
once again, in the shadow of my lovely mother
such a charade
a lovely dance –of who’s “right?”
of who wins the cookies?  the “grammy?”
has she convinced you?
no one really wins you see…
I don’t have my father
I don’t have my brother
I don’t even have my sister
none left to vouch for me
only myself
and my journals– they are burned
discarded– whatever she did to them
All I have now is my father’s journal used in court
I am an adult now, but inside feel like I have so much healing to do from this stripping of my dignity –of my livelihood

but this “too will soon pass,” as Alanon says
with time
with love, kindness, friendship, support, and acceptance
it will move past like a rain cloud…
the rain cloud will dissolve
we will heal
our wounds
but she will die on her death bed never being able to say “I’m sorry”
because she lacks empathy
she refuses to get help
after all of this damage she has caused people
she continues to deflect blame and people buy into the “new ‘changed’ person”
there is nothing left to fight for when all else is gone,
ie: my father, me…
my mother has won, and now through fear because her siblings are isolated
and they have grown dependent on her –my sister for approval and my brother financially
my mother is the empire –or rather, Jerry is
what would she do without her false supply?
be left with herself? she’s already left with herself which is why she has to feed off people
to keep her sense of self alive
so pathetic
so sad
stricken poverty
she’s delusional
and lost it
a LONG time ago
and tried bringing me down with her
to her level
in this horror show
this film
it was so bad I couldn’t even believe it was real
I had to make-believe
hide out in my fucking room
go outside in nature
to try and escape
the chaos, the craze
and yet she was never to blame
polished her up like a car baby
like her freshly painted, manicured high-end nails
that never lost their shine
except when they encountered a chip
yet people still can’t see through it?

simply put, “My life was never my own”
my “tower” (self-hood) burnt down

a long time ago
she wouldn’t let me build (ie, my own life)
she tried to tear down –every fucking wall I built
she would find where I would hide
and she would breathe fire on me

until I melted and died (shrunk/stood so low I did not have a sense of self –worth/trust)
and then she would bring me back to life with her sweet loving words and sweet-talking “promises”

I fell for them
for her flattery
the guise
such a forced expression
so cruel
“what is a joke,” I always asked
and she’d pick me back up and the whole cycle would start all over
I’d be “damned if I do;  damned it I don’t”
I’d be damned if I repeated the cycle again

and unfortunately I have in all my relationships thus far
I have moved so lovingly into a habitual pattern
of finding unavailable women
to repeat this cycle with
but no more
“I can’t,” I repeat
“I will die again,” I say to myself
“I will suffocate,” I mutter
and occasionally scream
the roof is on fire –“my room’s on fire”
building collapsed
it haunts me in my dreams, as I dream of death and escape

maybe someday I will let a woman in the entry way
not the way my mother did
no woman will knock down every single wall
and will I give her power
to do such
because that’s destructive
and it’s not my responsibility to put on the brakes
to say, “hey, don’t tear me down”
if she can’t have the decency to do it herself she’s not worth it
she has issues
and I don’t want t o be a part of her deadly force
mass destruction
I want nothing to do with it

I want to build my own castle
my own tower
and when I find a woman worthy of trust and respect, I will let her in the doorway
to share that part with me
but until then I have gates locked
that say “KEEP OUT”
hence my swords –over my journal’s front cover
those represent boundaries
“you have to love the unknown”
I wrote, in a poem, “I swear I’m loving myself even less” -me
but this time, I’m turning that cup upside down

she and all who have hurt me can kiss my ass
the truth is, there is grief
but this time I have support
I have 12-step
and that’s enough for me
there are people there who care
there is wisdom, strength, support, love, kindness, and encouragement
I don’t need a beating
or a midnight rant
I don’t need blackness — my eye or heart

My castle will stand tall
my tower
built with new walls
only for me
stable and free
no “wind” will knock me over
no destructive force will break my fall
or tear down my walls

1/27/11-  I am pretty sure that my mother is suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or one of its cousins, possibly Borderline Personality Disorder.