May 30th, 2011. Transition.


I am psychologically enmeshed, and I have been involved with an entire family of narcissists.  I am sure that there is a lesson in all of this, which will make itself known to me.

I lost my father when I was 19 and perhaps never quite recovered from the loss, because since, I have sought out the “security” of this loss through unhealthy relationships with addicted and psychologically disturbed individuals.  They have sucked the life out of me, and now I am about to be free though I am dreading what’s on the other “side” — the “light” more than anything, and it’s as though I have forgotten what “life” tastes like.

I cannot believe that it has been 3 years that I have been involved with Erin.  I also cannot believe that I allowed two other relationships to waste and take over (control) of my life prior to that.  I have not been happy since 2006 and have sort of been in this downward spiral of attracting nutcases.

I guess I need to be alone and grieve the many important losses — ie, my father, in my life before this destructive pattern continues.  I have hope for myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel virtually numb right now I am so much in shock.  I am so lonely and sad… I feel in many ways on some level like I deserved to be treated this way, but I know that no one deserves it, and I didn’t cause it.  I am sure I played a role and enabled at points, but I was not aware of it, and it still doesn’t make abuse on someone else’s part right.

I am not even going to ask for the support of anyone right now because of the tremendous guilt I feel right now.  I feel, like usual, like this was my fault even though I know it wasn’t.  It is hard to believe that someone can love you when they treat you in such a way.  Erin would often say one thing and do another, and the things that she would say to me, ie: “Go fuck yourself,” “Go to hell,” “I will go and ‘fuck’ whoever I want,” etc. were beyond my comprehension.

I have made a very honest attempt to be honest, and I have changed and grown up a lot, and the truth is, I have just found myself in a very bad habit of destructive relationships, and I truly believe all of these — this pattern, to be linked to the unresolved grievance of my father.

I am hurting.

April 25th, 2011. Coaching session today! Dream with Judy…


I have a coaching session in one hour.  Anyway, I wanted to share a song.  I had a dream last night that my mother was dominating and overtaking my life.  I was in school in a dream, and she was questioning me and completely undermining me.  She did not believe what I said and so she went to my teacher, and I was really embarrassed.  She didn’t even believe the teacher.  Anyway, I felt overwhelmed, and when I woke up, this song came to my mind…

“Starless” by Crossfade.

If only you could watch me fall
I cannot feel it anymore
The soul you cut the soul you adore
Cannot feel you anymore
Cause you’ve run through me with destructive force
I think somehow I gotta get it straight
I gotta get you out of me
But I cannot get through to you

See me I’m down and I get deeper with every breath
See me I’m over the edge farther with every step
See me I’m down and I get deeper with every breath
Standing over the edge I’m taking my last breath

How I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to fade now
And how I feel like I’m starless
I’m hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to fade now
And now I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to burn out

I can transcend you and mentally bend you
But I can’t handle the shit that I’m into
I have been blinded and always reminded
Of the things I’ve wanted but I never could find
I am a part of a world that I hate I wish the
End would come faster my world’s a disaster
Can’t you see that I’m down and I’m drowning
And I can’t keep my head above my wake

I gotta get you out of my veins
I gotta get you out of my blood
I gotta get you out of my scene
I gotta get you out of me

What I’m really trying hard to get down to words
Is the way I fit into this world
Things I survived pushed me to the darker side
Because of life as it was the life that was yours
Should have been mine
But I never could take anymore of this
Cause I’m always gonna get down to the floor
It’s a cold gun that I kiss
‘Cause I cannot break anymore

Somehow I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to fade now
That’s how I feel when I’m starless
I’m hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to burn out oh
Now I’m starless

March 12th, 2011. Threats from my own “mother!” (LYME disease related).


I spoke with my “mother” today; miss Judy Lynn Downham, and she is threatening to sue me for asking her for help with my lyme and for posting the fact that my “family” won’t help me on facebook and on this journal!  She is nuts!

At any rate, I have had to delete all of my “family” and friends off of facebook because she will use any of the information she can get her hands on, including them, to use against me.  She is narcissistic and even my father stated this and used it in court to testify against her and her child abuse.  She tried taking him for all of the house assets, etc.

She called me today and wanted specifics on how much I owe on student loans and how much her husband co-signed for.  She also said she wanted to see my health records.  She claimed that I was “harassing, slandering, and blackmailing her,” which I am not.  She is literally throwing out words to gain the upper hand.

She can shell out hundreds of dollars to my brother and possibly sister yet she refuses to help me with anything.  I have not even asked her for anything in literally years.  She is obsessed with maintaining power and control and only uses Jerry.  I am now convinced that she has him wrapped around her pretty little finger.  The fact is, she is sick.  She threatened suicide after cheating on my father.  She is emotionally unstable.

At any rate, I am like a worn out shoe to her… she pawns her stuff off on me.  Everything is about reputation, and it always has been.  I am not sending her any records.  I will post my test results on here.  I am not going to send her records only to have her use them against me as further evidence that I am “harassing” her.  She is absolutely nuts.

I am going to pay for my own lyme treatment. I am selling my car.

March 11th, 2011. Blown off again!


I hate it when people blow me off.  Michael just blew me off again.  He blew me off a few months ago on New Years Eve and again tonight.  We had made plans a few days ago to hang out tonight, and I checked up last night on facebook to verify that we were still planning to hang out.  He said “yes.”  This afternoon I texted him to let him know that Erin’s father is definitely going to be out of town and that our plans to see the movie are still on.  He said that he had some “packing” to do and he’ll “let me know.”  Let me know what, I thought… “Oh, that’s right, let me know what time we’re going to hang out!”  Sarcasm!

I asked for clarification because his response sounded vague.  I said, “K cool.  We’re def chillin’ though, right?” There was definitely an expectation and a desire to have respect shown this time because the last time we had plans, similarly on a Friday, he blew me off.  Michael did not respond to my text.

At 5:30 I received a text from him saying, “Hey.  I wasn’t expecting a txt so late.  I’m bringing my stuff to NJ.  Can we reschedule.” I was thinking, “Excuse you?”  …a text when?!  I texted him at 2, nearly 3PM in response to his text immediately after his!  HE was the one texting me late!  I knew it right then that he was blowing me off yet again.  I became (and am) angry.  I am angry right now because this is the second time he has blown me off.

I said to him, “You were going to text me after packing and we were going to hang out…  I have been waiting to hear back from you to see when you wanted to get together.”  He said, “I know.  I just got done.”  I said, “What do you mean you weren’t expecting a text this late?  I am on facebook, please clarify.”  He said, “I meant I wasn’t expecting to txt this late.”  Again, he is being vague.  At this point it is clear that he is dumping me off.  It is also obvious that he is immature and not capable, or interested in via his actions, of following-through and being a friend.

He says that he “cares,” yet he continually blows me off, and when we do hang out, it’s to accompany him.  There is always a motive.  We had hung out the other day and the plan was to hang out and just chill for a couple hours… We met up at 4PM and we ended up walking, and within the first twenty minutes of the walk he stops and looks at his phone and says that he has an appointment at the gym at “5:30.”  4:30 rolls around and he says that he wants to go early.  He had suggested I “follow” him to the gym if I want to spend time with him.  Excuse you?  I am not here to accommodate you and/or accompany you!  I am here to spend time with you, not just pass time!

I had no clue that he had plans at the gym, nor did I know that we had a “time” limit, which by the way (see above) he cut short.  I do not feel like this individual is making time for me or follow-through on agreements (plans).  I am reminded of my ex, Jackie, and while Michael and I are not together, I would like to be good friends with him because I think he’s a good person and has good energy, but the fact is he’s just not reliable.  This baffles me because when I first met him in AA he said that he tries his best to “follow-through” with things and walk the talk etc. and stated that he “sponsors” men, etc.  He presented himself as polished and responsible, which by his actions, he is not.  There is a contradiction.

At any rate, I addressed my concerns to him and also stated that his actions hurt my feelings and his response was to sabotage our friendship.  Instead of taking responsibility for his behavior, he deflected the situation, stating that I am “too sensitive,” haha.  He stated, “You are way too sensitive.  You’ve flipped out on me twice.  I don’t want to be friends I’m sorry.  Please redelete me.” “Flipped out?”  Excuse you?  Of COURSE I am going to flip out when you blow me off not once, but twice!  The first time we had plans to go see poetry and you stated you couldn’t, and the second plans we had had for over a week –on New Years Eve, and you blow me off!  You expect this to be okay?

This “macho” guy cannot follow-through.  He is fronting.  He is pretentious and pretending to be someone he’s not, ie: all “responsible,” etc. and such, and it’s fake.  He’s  not sincere.  He refuses to take responsibility for his actions.  He admitted he is superficial, but that does not negate, or justify blowing people off and then making matters worse by deflecting the situation!  My point being, he’s not reliable and is immature.  There isn’t anything more frustrating than someone who walks all over someone and refuses to take responsibility for their actions.  The integrity is missing 100%.  Bottom line:  He is selfish.

What I would have liked to see is him follow-through for once, seeing as how he blew me off last time.  And two, taking steps to correct the situation. Instead, he deflects the situation and makes ME the problem, ie:  “You’re too sensitive.” He refuses to look at himself or his behavior and how hurtful and frustrating it is to others.  He does not care though, as demonstrated by his actions and lack of consistency and execution, and there isn’t anything that I can (or want to) do to change him.  Bottom line:  He’s irresponsible and incapable of demonstrating integrity.

March 9th, 2011. LYME DISEASE TREATMENT DENIED.


MY FAMILY, SPECIFICALLY JUDY L. DOWNHAM MY SO-CALLED “MOTHER” HAS DENIED TO HELP ME WITH MY LYME DISEASE. I AM OUT OF MONEY AND CANNOT AFFORD TREATMENT. MY FAMILY, BOTH ADOPTIVE AND BIOLOGICAL, IS VERY WEALTHY AND HAVE THEIR OWN WELL-ESTABLISHED BUSINESSES AND NEITHER WILL HELP ME. I AM DESPERATE AND IN NEED OF TREATMENT. TREATMENT COSTS THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS AND THEY WILL NOT EVEN HELP WITH STARTUP COSTS. I AM BROKE.

MY MOTHER TALKED TO MY SISTER AND MY SISTER AND MOTHER DECIDED MY LYME TREATMENT IS NOT NECESSARY.  I BEG THEIR PARDON?  I HAVE BEEN SICK FOR OVER 3 YEARS AND HAVE SPENT OVER $3,000 OUT OF MY POCKET WITH INSURANCE!  MY INSURANCE HAS ENDED, AND I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF TREATMENT.  TO SEE AN LLMD (LYME LITERATE MD) FIRST SESSION ALONE COSTS BETWEEN $600-1100.00, ON AVERAGE $900.00.  IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE ME THEN PLEASE CALL THESE OFFICES AND JUST ASK HOW MUCH THE INITIAL LYME SESSION IS:

(212) 799-1121 Dr. HOROWITZ.
(610) 869- 0270 Dr. CORSON.
(212) 799-1121 Dr. RAXIEN.

THE LIST GOES ON.  ASK THESE DOCTORS HOW MUCH TREATMENT COSTS!  THESE ARE LLMD’S (LYME LITERATE MD’s).

MY STEP-FATHER, A COMPASSIONATE AND WILLING MAN WAS WILLING TO HELP ME UNTIL MY SISTER AND MY MOTHER DISCOURAGED HIM.  THIS HAS BEEN THE CASE WITH MY FAMILY FOR YEARS  — THEY HAVE CUT ME OFF.

THEY HAVE NEVER CONSIDERED ME “THEIR OWN.” I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SEPARATE AND NEVER TREATED LIKE FAMILY.  I HAVE BEEN CONSTANTLY COMPARED AND UNDERCUT BY MY COLD MOTHER AND THIS JUST GOES TO PROVE IT!  NO “PARENT” or “FAMILY” would DENY their CHILD of NECESSARY MEDICAL TREATMENT!

March 3rd, 2011. Boundaries. Clashes. Values.


It’s time that I put up boundaries with Erin because I am not about to be fooled again.  I feel like I am getting played, and I have felt this way off and on for months now; realistically, a couple of yearsShame on me for not walking away. Denial is what brings me right “back” again, into the loop… the vicious cycle.  She is bulshit.  Everything about her.  I hate her and how she lies through her teeth.  She gets off on deceiving people.  She even deceives herself.  The problem is I get caught up every time and give in.  I call her a push over, and most of the time she is, yet I am a push over for not walking away.  I guess I am scared to.  My heart is too intertwined.  I hate it.

Every time I gain some momentum she pulls me back again with her sweetness… she gets physically close to me and it causes me to “believe” things have changed.  Wrong.

I am only fooling and deceiving myself.  She is still the same cruel, heartless, distant, cold, insensitive, selfish, and calculating person she is.  My poem reads, “There isn’t any ‘love’ in goodbye,” which indicates how hard (difficult) it has been for me to walk away from unhealthy attachments.

I guess the messages that we learn in childhood can either keep us imprisoned or we can break out of them somehow.

How do we free ourselves?  What is the ‘glue’ that holds us together?  If denial then denial of what?  Where is this ‘landmine’ I have stepped on, if such an invisible barrier?  How can I learn to recognize it?  The red

flags?  Those things that we are supposed to keep our eyes wide-open to?  See, I saw them, but I was so used to them from my mother and previous relationships that I overlooked them, passing them off as something I “haven’t already handled.” The fact is, she became too good at her game, and unfortunately I lost mine.  Now I am stuck in a battle — a no-win situation, and I have clearly lost.  Myself.

I am ready and desiring to reclaim myself.  First comes the boundaries:

So when she comes at me and wants to tear down my walls:

What do I do?  Do I just stand there?  Take it?  The solution would be to walk away, but “how” I ask, do you walk away from the only thing (false love, ie: narcissistic love) you’ve ever known?  And when real love should present itself, how do you trust it?  If trust is shattered and you have been stripped of your dignity, then how can you trust again?  …how can you even trust yourself when your natural instinct has been deceived?

I want to hang Erin against a wall… what I mean by this is I want to see her held accountable for her actions, as I am so tired of her getting herself off the hook and sweet talking herself out of everything, including her stupid accident which was near-death and drug/substance-induced which she nearly killed someone and was able to talk her way out of getting alcohol/drug tested by the on-scene police officer!  I am angry at her for her “I’ll do ‘whatever I want, ‘when’ I want attitude” at the expense of others.  She’s a fucking antisocial (sociopath) woman.  I do not trust her for the life of me and nobody should because she’s hype and glee one day and a cruel, calculated witch the next.

I am sick and tired of this shit, and I am once again “packing my bags,” both figuratively and literally.  I have stuff all over my room right now sorted into different containers once again trying to figure out what I “need” and don’t need.  I do not trust my stability/security, ie: Erin and Rick’s home.  I do not trust Erin — as we have already established.

“Kicked around,” “Played with,” “Punched,” “Lied to,” “Deceived” — You name it, I have been.  It has happened to me.  I am sick and tired of it and am trying to develop standards for myself so that I can get the hell out of here.  I must admit having a car will make it a lot easier!  I am going to try my best not to lose my car and hope to God that my funds are not as low as I anticipated.  I am going to honestly, somehow have to “pull up my bootstraps” and fly.  I cannot wait-stay here; it is not healthy for me.  We have known (already established) this, yet I am pretty thick-sculled because my heart is hurting so bad that I don’t want to face the grief (another loss added to the many others that I have had trouble grieving) to deal with.

Apparently I have a hard time with grief, and maybe I choose to become locked into these patterns to avoid having to face it.  The harsh reality is I am going to have to face it because there will soon come a point where I am on my own officially.  Honestly, a part of me wants to be on my own, as scary and frightening as that might seem… It’s a challenge for sure; however, being/living in Philly is not a challenge… it is downright scary.  There isn’t any “challenge” in an area that is unsafe, as I have zero interest in living in an area that is unsafe.

I am interested in living in an area where I can grow and reach and aspire to be my best.  I do not want to have to worry about my back, which I feel like in Philly you can’t do anything but that, and it doesn’t help that that is the impression Erin feeds me daily.  I do not want to have to live my life that way… To be quite honest, if it wasn’t for Erin I would not even be in Philadelphia.  I came here namely for the relationship… to continue it because I wanted things to be okay… and I believed her when she said that all she needed was her “family” and that everything would be “alright.”  Wrong.  It got worse.

I took the bait.  At any rate, I choose on some level, whether subconsciously or consciously, to come to Philly.  Some part of me chose — maybe the underdeveloped part of myself that longs for a “family.”  The sad fact is, “family” to me is not the kind of family I want in my life… it’s narcissistic.  I don’t want narcissistic “love” in my life.  I want real love, and it starts with myself… so the reality is I have to get away from here.  I need to leave.  This place doesn’t do me any good, and it’s only hurting me (worse) being here.  It’s only reinforcing the false internalized belief that I am not loveable or respectable or worthy.

I can’t determine my worth anymore in the eyes of others… not in those who are unworthy of my love, time, attention, and respect.  I cannot allow myself to be walked on.  Thus, I need to put up boundaries; it is absolutely necessary for my health and survival.  I need to start now.  As hard as it might seem/be, I need to, because I cannot continue to live a lie and live a life that does not serve (enrich) me.  I am wasting precious, valuable opportunities… I cannot let a thief bring me down… I cannot let him/her rob me of my soul.  Life is a precious jewel, and I want to treat it that way.  I will not short-change myself.

February 10th, 2011. Some people, baffle me.


As I listen to Erin address customers, she states in this high-pitched fake, glimmer voice, “Sir” –“Sir” this and “Sir” that.  What does “sir” mean if she doesn’t even mean it?  Additionally, “customer service” first she states–what does that mean if she can’t even be honest in her relations with others?  How she was promoted to manager I have no idea because she displays zero leadership skills or integrity, both personally and professionally –continually lying, cheating, stealing, etc.  She is notorious for having affairs with married people strictly business-related!  She gets crushes on every new employee there is, especially if they are young and influential.

I get so angry when she blows me off and insists on her way when it’s entirely biased or one-sided.  I hate it.  I hate how rude and inconsiderate she can be.  She is defensive and secretive.  She lies and then tells people she deserves to have “privacy” –Okay, so if having affairs is her “own business” I don’t know what else to say.  It is frustrating expressing to her my feelings during moments of clarity only to have her shit all over them later and “talk is cheap” –she does the opposite of what she says.  Do you know how draining this is?

People will say to me, “Emily, why do you keep trying?” and it’s like, because we are living together, and as long as we are living together, I want respect!  And just to clarify, my idea of “respect” is not “control” or control-based like everyone that lives here.  Respect = reciprocity, honesty, not cussing at one another, not throwing things, yelling raging… it’s about sharing, etc.  As long as I am living here I will fight for that because it is the only thing that makes sense.  It makes absolutely no sense to me to be disrespectful, controlling, intimidating, angry, hostile, etc.

See, when I first moved into this household I remember journaling in my handwritten journal about how you’re either “in” the game or you’re “out.”  I was out… I did not belong or fit into the dysfunctional family system here… yet I got sucked in.  Everyone has to fit a role.  Sal, Erin’s brother left, and in a way, I automatically took his “place.”  I hate it.  I just want to be a part from them all… I do not want anything to do with the family if I am not going to be treated like a human being.

Erin always finds ways to weezle her way around things… to talk her way in and out of things, etc.  I am so tired of her stupid rationalizing and justifying and just plain-old selfishness.  She is selfish, manipulative, and defiant.  She’s closed down and defensive.  From the moment I met her it was “”X” fucked me over” and “Y” screwed me over.”  Now I just want to say, “Erin, you screwed yourself over and yet you blame others.” She basically acts out selfishly and cold and then feels guilty and instead of facing that guilt and moreover living up to the consequences she finds a way to rationalize and blame others –it’s pretty low.

I want to start reading about “character” again and to start growing up again.  I was doing so well the last few years before I moved here and now everything is screwed up, and I have been brought down to their level.  I want myself back.  I want to get my room arranged, etc. and feel comfortable in my room –this would include buying a heater since the heater does not work and being able to just really use the room as a retreat and warm spot.  I want to just go to work and come home at ease and not have my peace constantly disturbed… with Erin she’s unstable… there isn’t any counting on her.

I still and cannot, and likely will not, be able to wrap my head around this kind of living and this lifestyle.  It baffles me.  I have reached out a little bit and have joined some meetup groups –one which seems really good.  I was given two phone #’s by two 32, 33 next week year-old black women who are beautiful, smart, and young-spirited and have their master degrees!  We plan to hang out soon.  I think they’ll be a positive, healthy influence for me.  I am supposed to hang out with one of them next week and we’re going to go see a movie.

I am going to work on a valentine card now.