May 30th, 2011. Transition.


I am psychologically enmeshed, and I have been involved with an entire family of narcissists.  I am sure that there is a lesson in all of this, which will make itself known to me.

I lost my father when I was 19 and perhaps never quite recovered from the loss, because since, I have sought out the “security” of this loss through unhealthy relationships with addicted and psychologically disturbed individuals.  They have sucked the life out of me, and now I am about to be free though I am dreading what’s on the other “side” — the “light” more than anything, and it’s as though I have forgotten what “life” tastes like.

I cannot believe that it has been 3 years that I have been involved with Erin.  I also cannot believe that I allowed two other relationships to waste and take over (control) of my life prior to that.  I have not been happy since 2006 and have sort of been in this downward spiral of attracting nutcases.

I guess I need to be alone and grieve the many important losses — ie, my father, in my life before this destructive pattern continues.  I have hope for myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel virtually numb right now I am so much in shock.  I am so lonely and sad… I feel in many ways on some level like I deserved to be treated this way, but I know that no one deserves it, and I didn’t cause it.  I am sure I played a role and enabled at points, but I was not aware of it, and it still doesn’t make abuse on someone else’s part right.

I am not even going to ask for the support of anyone right now because of the tremendous guilt I feel right now.  I feel, like usual, like this was my fault even though I know it wasn’t.  It is hard to believe that someone can love you when they treat you in such a way.  Erin would often say one thing and do another, and the things that she would say to me, ie: “Go fuck yourself,” “Go to hell,” “I will go and ‘fuck’ whoever I want,” etc. were beyond my comprehension.

I have made a very honest attempt to be honest, and I have changed and grown up a lot, and the truth is, I have just found myself in a very bad habit of destructive relationships, and I truly believe all of these — this pattern, to be linked to the unresolved grievance of my father.

I am hurting.