April 17th, 2012 Ashley and her new lifestyle


So I am not sure whether to be angry or happy for Ashley.  I know that sounds horrible, but I am a bit shocked and mortified to see that her profile picture on facebook is now of her and a guy.  She’s been dating this guy for a while, at least for a few months, and it’s petty clear.  Worst of all, the guy dresses like me.  Literally, when I saw their pic yesterday as Ashley’s main profile pic, I had on the exact same shirt on as the guy, no exaggeration!  …a button up long sleeve shirt, with a white T underneath.

To make matters worse, when I clicked on his profile to find out a little more about who the magical guy is, there are pictures of them at OUR place!  …literally, “OUR” place – Mudlavia!  wtf?  Okay.  You know, she calls me a year ago and tells me how she met this other guy “just like me,” etc… I mean, “just” like and goes on and on obsessively, and how we’re “soooo similar,” and she “can’t get ‘over,’ it.”  Riiiight.

I am angry, and I am not going to worry about it much anymore.  If that’s the lifestyle she’s going to choose to lead, then she can lead it.  I don’t differeniate gender or let it confime me.  Erin brought up the fact that maybe she hasn’t told this guy that she’s been with woman… who knows… I doubt that, because Ashley is very open about everything, but who knows.  At any rate, I don’t define myself according to predisposited “gender” roles.

There really isn’t much else I can say other than the sickness in my stomach has gone away, and I literally feel angry and likely very shocked at what I see.  It is what it is… I haven’t felt this way in a while; I think the last time I felt like this was when Ashley was with Crystal, and I regretted having screwed up with her.

I have changed, 100%.  I know that I can make her happy.  I know that we can make each other happy – that is the furthest thing from her mind though, and I have to and will respect that.  I am honestly about to just try to “drop” all of this… I am so tired of it.  I am hurt and turned off right now. 

I think I am going to get ready and go for a bike ride on my new fixie.  I want to get my body in shape and build it strong.  I want to live a long life.  I have dreams and goals I have set for myself, and I plan to reach them.

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Reflecting on experiences…


When I look at pictures of my life, I think about how much of my life she has missed out on…

College days

I also believe in a large element of fate… I think that things happen when you let them… when you surrender (I know, this sounds like an abstract idea) what’s supposed to happen happens.  Sometimes allowing yourself to let go of an outcome can be very difficult.  I think we all want to control things in our lives to a certain degree, some more than others; for me, it’s very hard to surrender, but when I do, it’s a beautiful thing…

 

My birthday… so far sucks.


I am feeling kind of depressed now and am trying to keep my spirits up.  Today is my birthday and hasn’t been a good day.  The day started off with being rejected for health services.  Erin and I both went to get prescription refills and blood work and were told that we don’t “qualify” for the free clinic because we do not have aids, high blood pressure, heart problems, etc.  Supposedly in Indiana free aid does not exist.

I am shocked because on the east coast, both in Vermont (especially) and Philadelphia health care is virtually free… at least at clinics.  I am shocked to find out that I can’t get ANY help here.  I also don’t qualify for health insurance because I am not “pregnant” with children.  Can you believe that?!  It has to be a joke… this state is backwards.

Anyway, I am irritated also because nobody has said “Happy Birthday” to me… literally 1 friend text messaged me “Happy Birthday” and the only reason he likely remembered it is because his is tomorrow!  We are literally 13 minutes apart.  And 5 random acquaintances on Facebook said Happy Birthday, yet nobody else.  …and yet people receive pages upon pages on Facebook all the time – and I get 5!

My family (this story is not new unfortunately, but gets worse and worse every year) did not even say Happy Birthday until 3 o’clock today.  My sister, then my brother an hour or so later, and then my mom last but not least… heck, my own dad (biological) did not say Happy Birthday.

So today is depressing.  I am really trying to keep my spirits up, but I am having a hard time.  I don’t understand why more people would not reach out to me and say Happy Birthday… yet, I am serious, some (many – like 90% of my friends) people get PAGES upon PAGES of birthday wishes.

I don’t understand why I’m not that special and/or important to anyone… even Ashley didn’t say Happy Birthday to me, or Katherine who recently dumped Erin and I off for no apparent reason… along with our friend Jonathan who is dating a loser who’s abusive and a control freak.  Anyway, yeah, so we are basically without any friends right now.

I mean, we have friends I guess… middle/middle-upper class people who are pretty cool and nice, but they (like everyone else) are flaky in terms of reliability, and I hate that.  I can’t seem to find any good, decent people around here… and honestly, it isn’t just “here;” it was Philadelphia, too… Vermont honestly was the only place that I never got dumped off, and I mean that.  I am not idealizing Vermont; people had different ethics and values there.  And they valued time and friendship.

I just feel so lost right now… maybe “lost” isn’t the word.  Lonely, perhaps?  I am surrounded by stuff… an entire apartment, and what I want are friends.  I am sad right now.  No amount of “money” in the world, little or a lot, can change that… that need for connection.  I just don’t understand what it is I’m doing so wrong on a fate-level that would make/attract this into my life… this alienation.

Anyway, sorry to be so negative on my birthday, but that’s kind of how the day started out when I went to go for my blood work to see if the lyme disease is officially gone and had a door (metaphorically) shut in my face.  No assistance.

Thrifting and good times – great memories!


I have been doing a lot of thrifting…


And while I was thrifting I saw a doll that reminded me of Ashley:

This doll entirely captures the expression of Ashley.

Rumor has it that she’s living in “Chicago” now although I don’t know whether or not that is true.  Anyway, I’m hitting celeb status for some reason.


“Everything happens for a reason” When the time is right…


Ashley is in town tonight, and I am wondering if maybe subconsciously I am upset with the way things are between us.  I guess more than anything I am upset with myself.  Really, I am just upset with the situation.  I am bothered that she (or it feels like, anyway) is “pouting” and not talking to me.  I am sure she has good reasons, but at the same time I would like to think she can just get over it.  I don’t mean that insensitively, although I suppose it can be taken that way.  I guess I am just tired of the wall… the distance… what feels like separation.  I just want to be over it and communicating again and be supportive of one another.

I understand I offended her, and I am so sorry for that.  Trust me, I have learned my lesson.  I did not mean to violate her boundaries in any way.  I was young and naive.  You can really learn a lot in a short time.  I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in the time that I have been away from her, and I will be honest, I miss our friendship.

Anyway, she’s here in town, and I am left to sit with my feelings… Sometimes I get angry; sometimes I get sad, and I just want to go out on the town.  Yeah, people change, but there is always that part of us that remains the same.

“What’s meant to be, will be.”  I truly believe that “Everything happens for a reason.”

April 27th, 2011. Reminders, impressions, sensations…


Why is it that whenever I google “heart, self-acceptance” and click on ‘images,’ every single image reminds me of Jen and I’s relationship?  Why is it that I can feel her and the energy of that relationship long after it’s “over?”  Perhaps relationships stay inside us?  Perhaps I am longing to feel connected again the way I did with her.  Perhaps I am lonely and sad that Erin and I do not have a relationship even close to this — ie, based off love (unconditional) and understanding.

I look at these images… and they are so heart-focused… they convey warmth… touch… feeling… support, not coldness and lack of emotion like I feel in Erin and I’s relationship.  I know that I shouldn’t compare, but I am deeply sad and angry.  Beneath the anger is sadness because there is a lack of connection.  She closed off from me way too early.  First she smothered me and then she closed off — and she’s always been controlling.  I don’t ‘get’ it.  I try and wrap my head around some things, but some things I just don’t and likely will never “get.”  It’s beyond me.

I miss lighting candles… having candlelit dinners… talking about what went on with our days and in our community… I miss nature… bonfires… creeks… water… kayaking, laughing, walking outdoors, noticing the leaves change.  I sit here, and I ask, “What has happened?”  I honestly question and wonder whether there was any love to begin with, as it seems so hollow and ill-defined (non-existent) in Erin and I’s relationship.  I felt, in so many ways, like the “thrill of the chase.”  She chased and then cut off once she got what she wanted and she then pursued other interests.

I wonder about my heart and my purpose often and kinship… I honestly miss, more than anything, being supported and honestly that feeling of being supported.  Why is it that some people are in touch with their hearts while others are not?  How can one be disconnected from his/her heart?  I do not get it… it baffles me… blows my mind.  Jen would cut off and close off but not in the same way as Erin who is pretty much inaccessible.  Jen would just push/pull but she could never quite “cut off,” ie: emotionally detach.  Erin becomes cold.  She dissociated or splits or something.  I hate to “psychbabalize” things, but I do not know of any other way to put it.  She is just not there… it’s like touching an empty shell…

Do you know how it feels to be human and to have your “hands and feet” (so-to-speak) “pressed up against the glass,” looking for a way in?  …saying, “Hey, I’m here,” and cries and screams down the hall only to not be heard?  This is how I have felt, and yet I have hung on, patiently, waiting for a response.  Every once in a while I will hear a response.  If this journal entry is saddening you, it is saddening me too.  I feel sadness in my chest just about now.  I want to say, “Yes, Jen, what we had was real…”  I want to, “Erin, I know you opened up, but you shut/closed off much too fast — you didn’t even allow me to get to know you.”  I think both of these women presented me with another side, but the difference is Jen still remained connected whereas with Erin as I said, she’s an empty shell and often it appears as though she and we are just going through the motions…

I felt Erin’s heart once.  I honestly felt it beating in my hand… so early on in our relationship.  I am about drowned out by now and too tired to “hold on” to that anymore, as I have tried “fishing,” attempt after attempt for far too long now.  I am simply burnt out.  Who wants to keep on trying when someone is inaccessible, to themselves and others?  Erin is counter-dependent; she fears intimacy.  As I said, Jen fears intimacy too, but she was at least assessable, and no one quite got to her like I did.  Erin says I “push her buttons” — yeah, I’ve heard that before — my lovely “mother” said the same thing, yet that’s about all I do.  She doesn’t let anyone or anything in so how could she ever experience anything more?

I miss flowers… believe it or not, I honestly think I would be elated if I received flowers right now, and I am usually not one to desire flowers — I like plants better lol  At any rate, Erin has forgotten my birthday and just about every special occasion you can imagine — no card, nothing.  I guess we hold onto what we desire.

Jen got me a rock a long time ago that said “Believe.”  I kept it in a box along with other stuff of ours, but my nasty mother threw it out just as she did with my 13-year collection of journals.  At any rate, that really showed me that Jen supported me.  My father used to give me rocks… he was an earth science teacher before I lost him to the hospitality industry… he would teach me the names of the rocks, etc.  I enjoy earthly creations.  I guess I just miss feeling the love and support of those around me.

February 6th, 2011. “Emotional” by Carl Thomas.


I’m feeling sentimental and have this song in my head…

“Emotional” by Carl Thomas

I knew you when
I had a friend
Very deeply
Love lived within
But somehow we got loose
From what was oh so tight
Somewhere we went wrong
When we were oh so right

What’s a man to do when he just can’t take no more
What am I to do when my heart leads me to the door
Now we’ve tried and tried again
But now this is the end
Tell me what’s the use of holding on
If we can’t be friends

I’m emotional
And I can’t let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through
Say goodbye to you

You seem to hurt me purposely
I didn’t understand it
Oh girl, why me?
I had no choice
What was best for us
Was to terminate our love and be free

What’s a man to do when he just can’t take no more
What am I to do when my heart leads me to the door
Now we’ve tried and tried again
But now this is the end
Tell me what’s the use of holding on
If we can’t be friends

I’m emotional
And I can’t let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through
Say goodbye to you

I’m emotional
And I can’t let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through
Say goodbye to you

What’s a man to do when he just can’t take no more
What am I to do when my heart leads me to the door
Now we’ve tried and tried again
But now this is the end
Tell me what’s the use of holding on
If we can’t be friends

I’m emotional
And I can’t let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through
Say goodbye to you

I’m emotional
And I can’t let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through
Say goodbye to you