January 28th, 2011. Dream w/family (cousins included), beach, & Jen’s backpack.


I dreamt last night of my family (including cousins) and some of my ex’s… Jen… Amanda… and possibly Erin.  I faintly remember being with my family on vacation somewhere…. we were inside of this vacation rental and there were a bunch of cots.  I remember seeing Jen’s backpack –it was bright orange and gray and she was dating someone as usual.  I remember in the dream really feeling her carefree, light-hearted, zesty, spontaneous personality — it was nice.  I woke up missing her and feeling nostalgic for having dreamt of my family and especially being on vacation with my family.

Outside of our vacation rental was a shore line– either lake or beach.  I faintly remember chasing a sneaker along the shore line that was getting swept away by the tide.  The family, ex’s, and I were outside enjoying the sun and water.  I remember someone’s sneaker who I was in charge of protecting fleeing into the ocean, and I called out to my family –whoever was in the water, to grab it before it was swept away!  I can’t remember which of my family members were in the water, but I know for a fact that my cousin Ashley was, and she had falsely accused me of doing something with one of her sandals that I didn’t do or even touch, and I remember feeling shitty in the dream and thinking, “I always am scapegoated.”

The song below was echoing in my mind when I awoke.

Digital Summer-  Rescue Me

So maybe I’m the one that needed saving
Someone to rescue me from myself
And now the memories are slowy fading
Wish I could see me through the eyes of someone else

I remember the look in your eyes
When you were reaching out to me
And I tried to help you
But now im haunted by the hero that I couldn’t be

So maybe I’m the one that needed saving
Someone to rescue me from myself
And now the memories are slowy fading
Wish I could see me through the eyes of someone else

I drown out my thoughts now
As pathetic as it may seem
So just take it away now, help me forget how
I just stood there frozen by your screams

(chorus)
I know I shouldn’t blame myself
For what I cannot control
It seems so impossible to ever let this go

So maybe I’m the one that needed saving
Someone to rescue me from myself
And now the memories are slowy fading
Wish I could see me through someone else
Maybe I’m the one that needed saving
Can you help me now
Trapt in this life with no way out
Sometimes I wish I was someone else
Someone else

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January 13th, 2011. “Carolina” by Parmalee.


Grief comes and goes in waves… of course I am thinking about Ashley tonight.  I had a dream about her last night.  Sarah was in it.  I am going to type is up and share it when I get a chance sometime this weekend.

Home is where my heart is still beating I don’t know when i’ll see her again I hate to see her cry when I’m leaving But now I’m a thousand miles away again She feels like Carolina (feels like Carolina) Looks like California (looks like California) Shining like those New York lights on Broadway When she looks back I’m behind her I’ll always be there for her She makes me feel like home’s not so far away She feels like Carolina It’s hard to understand the way I’m living I know you think I’m never coming home (never coming home) But I miss your pretty smile, & I’m coming back in a little while But I’m a thousand miles away again She feels like Carolina (feels like Carolina) Looks like California (looks like California) Shining like those New York lights on Broadway When she looks back I’m behind her I’ll always be there for her She makes me feel like home’s not so far away She makes me feel like home’s not so far away No matter how far I go, you know I can’t stop thinking about her

Home is where my heart is still beating I don’t know when i’ll see her again I hate to see her cry when I’m leaving But now I’m a thousand miles away again She feels like Carolina (feels like Carolina) Looks like California (looks like California) Shining like those New York lights on Broadway When she looks back I’m behind her I’ll always be there for her She makes me feel like home’s not so far away She feels like Carolina It’s hard to understand the way I’m living I know you think I’m never coming home (never coming home) But I miss your pretty smile, & I’m coming back in a little while But I’m a thousand miles away again She feels like Carolina (feels like Carolina) Looks like California (looks like California) Shining like those New York lights on Broadway When she looks back I’m behind her I’ll always be there for her She makes me feel like home’s not so far away She makes me feel like home’s not so far away No matter how far I go, you know I can’t stop thinking about her

January 8th, 2011. Rob Thomas- Mockingbird.


I’m listening to this song…

And all of these years have gone by, and I’m thinking about Ashley… I am able to project into the future, and I feel sadness for the years that have been lost…  Ashley was one amongst the very few that understood me.  I miss her.  She cut me off on New Years Eve.  It shocked and surprised me because she had sent me a text message a few days earlier on Christmas wishing me a Merry Christmas, but I guess I texted her one too many times.  I was grieving because of things going on with Erin (I was alone) and because of the holidays (isolated, memories, wanting warmth), and I had texted her reminiscing, and she apparently didn’t want to hear it, but instead of communicating to me her feelings in an honest manner, she said “Stop texting me.”

I felt rejected, and I said something along the lines of “Fine, I won’t contact you again” and started balling.  You have to understand that Erin and I had just gotten into a huge fight and Erin was drunk and had taken a chunk out of my finger in an attempt to take Lucy away from me, and this individual from one of the support groups here that I was involved with that I was supposed to hang out with and possibly become friends with had stood me up, and I just wanted some support. Maybe I took what Ashley said personal, but I am angry (grief) that she has left me out of her life for the last couple years… she pops in every once in a while when she wants something, but then disappears again for long stretches.  It’s hard on me, and especially since I want to develop a rich relationship with her.  I am capable of giving our relationship the effort and honesty what it needs this time –that I was unable to before, but our cards aren’t right.

Anyway, this song was a song I originally heard while with Erin, so a part of it reminds me of Erin, but for whatever reason I seem to be focused on Ashley right now and our relationship –whatever that is and wherever that stands.  The song honestly also reminds me of Jen a little bit… just in the optimism, or hopeful part?  Rob Thomas is a very strong man who expresses his vulnerability honestly and openly, and it reminds me of Jen in that way.  Obviously I have not grieved any of these relationships completely or I would not be expressing this way.  At any rate, there is hope and optimism and some sort of strength with this individual and certain music brings up certain feelings about events in my life… past and present.  I guess grief comes in pangs… waves…

January 8th, 2011. Christmas’s “theme” song.


I discovered a new song this past Christmas that I heard for the first time on the radio… it’s not very uplifting, but it reflects exactly how I felt on Christmas.  I remember being at the bank with Erin and we were fighting and so much was happening, and I just remember hearing this song and wanting to cry and/but absolutely loving it… Hearing it, sadly, started reminding me of Ashley (someone I deeply loved and cared for and respected –a good friend of mine) and my other friends back home… rather, my old friends… my “old life.”

Anyway, I was just reminded of it when I was going through my old phone and had a note to download it.  At any rate, I’m not sure what it reminded me of since my old friends are just that — maybe nostalgia?

Last night, I spent another lonely Christmas

Darlin’, darlin’, you should’ve been there

‘Cuz, all the ones I dream about

You are the one that makes my love shout

You see, you are the only one I care for

Remember the time we swam naked

In your father’s pool?

Boy, he was upset that night

But boy, was that ever cool

Remember that night we played pokeno for money

And you robbed me blind?

Remember how you used to scream so loud

‘Cuz, you, you hated that number 9?

Hey, I saw your sister skatin’ on the lake

This afternoon

Good heaven, how she’s grown

She swoons the boy skaters, she’s so tall

But of all your father’s children

All your father’s children, baby

You know, you are the finest of them all

You are brighter than the northern star

And I, last night, I spent another lonely Christmas

Darlin’, darlin’, you, you should’ve been there

You see, of all the ones I dream about

You are the one that makes my love shout

You see, you are the only one I care for, yeah

My mummy used to say, always trust your lover

But now, I guess that only applies to her

‘Cuz, baby, you promised me

Baby, you promised me, you’d never leave

Then you died on the 25th day of December, oh, baby

Last night, oh, I spent another lonely, lonely Christmas

Darlin’, baby, you, you should’ve been there, oh, oh

‘Cuz all the ones I dream about

You are the one that makes my love shout

You see, you are the only one I care for, yeah

Your father said it was pneumonia

Your mother said it was stress

But the doctor said you were dead

And I, I say it’s senseless

Every Christmas night for 7 years now

I drink banana daiquiris till I’m blind

As long as I can hear you smilin’, baby

You won’t hear my tears

Another lonely Christmas is mine

Yeah, mine, yeah

Another lonely Christmas is mine…

 

Last night, I spent another lonely Christmas
Darlin', darlin', you should've been there
'Cuz, all the ones I dream about
You are the one that makes my love shout
You see, you are the only one I care for

Remember the time we swam naked
In your father's pool?
Boy, he was upset that night
But boy, was that ever cool

Remember that night we played pokeno for money
And you robbed me blind?
Remember how you used to scream so loud
'Cuz, you, you hated that number 9?

Hey, I saw your sister skatin' on the lake
This afternoon
Good heaven, how she's grown
She swoons the boy skaters, she's so tall

But of all your father's children
All your father's children, baby
You know, you are the finest of them all
You are brighter than the northern star

And I, last night, I spent another lonely Christmas
Darlin', darlin', you, you should've been there
You see, of all the ones I dream about
You are the one that makes my love shout
You see, you are the only one I care for, yeah

My mummy used to say, always trust your lover
But now, I guess that only applies to her
'Cuz, baby, you promised me
Baby, you promised me, you'd never leave
Then you died on the 25th day of December, oh, baby

Last night, oh, I spent another lonely, lonely Christmas
Darlin', baby, you, you should've been there, oh, oh
'Cuz all the ones I dream about
You are the one that makes my love shout
You see, you are the only one I care for, yeah

Your father said it was pneumonia
Your mother said it was stress
But the doctor said you were dead
And I, I say it's senseless

Every Christmas night for 7 years now
I drink banana daiquiris till I'm blind
As long as I can hear you smilin', baby

You won't hear my tears
Another lonely Christmas is mine
Yeah, mine, yeah
Another lonely Christmas is mine

Last night, yeah, I spent another lonely, lonely Christmas
Darlin', darlin', you should've been there, yeah
'Cuz all the ones I dream about
You are the one that makes my love shout
You see, you are the only one one care for