January 20th, 2011. “Standards.”

This is the second entry I’ve written today.  I am amazed at the type of people I attract into my life… I honestly wonder what that says about me.  I was pondering today, walking to the park and wrote down some of my thoughts.  At any rate, I couldn’t help but notice how bleak everything looked and how cold it was… and the park was lifeless, kind of how I feel now.  I feel like my inner landscape is barren.

I am just realizing how important partner and friendship selection is.  I have added a few people to my facebook through mutual friends and have trying to get to know some of them with a mindful eye and ear.  Typically I will just be friends with anyone who seems to be there, but I can proudly say that I’ve begun to develop standards for myself and am starting to stick to them.  One of the persons I spoke with I am surprised to find out smokes weed every day.  That is not my style, and that is a major red flag.  In the past I might have thought, “Oh, well she’s ‘cute’ or she’s convenient,” ie: always there, there to listen, etc. but  not this time.  I have actually dropped her from my “Get to know” list to the regular “Philadelphia folks” list.

The individuals on my “Get to know” list are people who I think, at first observation, look nice and decent.  Then of course I talk to them… and I find out more, like I did tonight!  I must say that I am a little disappointed that this person who seemed very beautiful in many respects is a daily pot smoker.  I must say honestly that that rained on my parade a little bit because I honestly thought that maybe I had found a potential friend who shares similar values and interests, but the truth is, I don’t want that in my life, and I am trying to change that –lack of self-respect, etc. about myself.

I am simply not going to waste time on people who do not share similar values.  I realize now how important values are, and it’s sad that I never had them before… “standards,” that is.  Honesty, respect, communication, dependability, and commitment are very important values to have, and it honestly wasn’t until being in this relationship with Erin that I could see the importance of these things.  Through not having had them in the relationship with Erin, I learned what matters to me.

So to say the least, that is just one example in which I am proud to say that I am applying some principles that are important to me.  The other one was the other night when I was talking to someone I thought was cute, who I have thought was cute for a very long time, and while I am not looking for a relationship, I was interested in building a friendship with this person.  It turns out the person blew me off two days in a row (we had been texting and had also planned on talking on the phone for 10 minutes so she could tell me about this frightening event that happened to her out of the blue) and her reasoning was because she had “acted stupid.”  I said, “What?”  She skipped around what happened, and finally said to me that she had gone to a lesbian bar and saw “10” of her ex’s and that they still wanted her, etc.

My first reaction was “Okay, she blew me off first off,” two, a lesbian “bar?” (I am not big into drinking but “to each his own;” however, not when it involves dumping me off), and then “10” ex’s?!  And lastly, the “they still want me” like comment she made.  She had mentioned something about an ego stroke.  I am sitting here thinking, “What the hell, are you serious?”  Anyway, that raised some major red flags for me!  Even aside from the fact that she dumped me off, the fact that she had 10 ex’s?!  I mean, “10” fine, okay, lets just pretend that’s okay… she talked about how she “did” stuff with them and how they still “want” her!  (I later found out she kissed them).  At any rate, I am not attracted to any of that… and I’m not sure what you would even call it, because I don’t think it necessarily falls under any of the categories (standards/values) I listed above, so I’m not sure what exactly you’d “call” it.  I just know that if I was involved with someone like that then they obviously have unresolved issues with their ex’s and they also enjoy a lot of physical attention, which does not fly with me in terms of possible future dating relationships!

I later asked this person if she is a loyal person or enjoys polygamy and she said she is very loyal and has “never cheated,” which may be (likely) is true; however, I don’t understand why she needs such an ego boost.  Honestly, that turns me off.  And honestly I was turned off by the fact that she, being single, would act in such a fashion.  Again, I am not sure what you would “call” it, but I would never act in such a way, and I am not interested in pursuing anything with her at any point in the future based off such knowledge.  Which is fine.  I just felt saddened to hear that… It just goes to show that we must really take the time to get to know people before jumping into things… which is exactly what I have been trying to do now.  I have been sort of “screening” people, watching them –how they act/behave, etc. and then making judgments of whether or not I want that type of person in my life and how based off that.

So yeah… Ashley still is the only woman that I have dated that shares similar values.  We shall see what’s to become of this.  I will continue being my lovely self and continue along the path of self growth and discovery…