May 19th, 2011. Tough times, still. Never-ending.

Nothing seems to be working out, and I am livid.  Erin just told me before walking out the door, “I will ‘fuck’ whoever I want.” (Quote).  I said, “Excuse you?”  I said, we are together, Erin, and then she throws out there — “I don’t WANT to be together,” and this is what she does!  She literally is back and forth, push/pull.  She is WITH me when she wants to be.  When she wants sex she will want to be with me, or 90% of the time she’s sexually anorexic meaning she will not have sex at all for months… actually, years… over an entire year went by and she would not have sex with me.  When she said “I don’t want to be with you” in one of her phases/moods, I think to myself, “Yeah, well I also didn’t want to be yelled at, cursed, emotionally cheated on, lied to, etc,” so I think the least she can do it make it right and do her part.

I am so tired of the push/pull.  When she said she will “fuck” whoever she wants I became LIVID, which is understandable.  Why?  Because I felt (feel) cheated!  I feel like I got the short end of the stick!  Just yesterday she was talking about how in (quote) “next” relationship she will know what to do and what not to do.  This came about because I had said to her (I was complaining for the 50th time) about how she keeps “saying” she’ll do x, y, and z (ie, be respectful, listen, go somewhere with me, participate, etc) and doesn’t and she made a snide comment about how she’ll be sure to do it in her “next” relationship.

Yes, I have my “girlfriend” saying this stuff to me!  Unbelievable.  The reason I don’t walk away from her is because I feel like she owes me the decency to establish trust!  I gave her myself transparently.  I gave my all, and I was honest and candid with her, and she fucking hurt me over and over — so I feel like she owes me decency!  She flaked out.  She did not commit.  She hurt, cheated, and lied — the least the girl (I say “girl,” because she does not act like a woman by any means) can do is give me what I deserve relationally.

I’m so tired of hearing her words, “I don’t ‘give’ a shit,” or “Look,” as she yells out with her hands in the air, or like today for instance at the breakfast table she made a mistake ordering some stuff for her work and so she slammed her pills down that I ad laid on the kitchen table — which is another thing — she refuses to take her pills for her supposed “bipolar” (quite frankly, I think she’s psychotic).  Anyway, she has pills for her “bipolar” and anti-anxiety pills, both which she is refusing to take, which are her responsibility to take because if she doesn’t then the lives of others are endangered!

I should not have to say to her, “Erin, did you take your medication,” and hear, “No, I forgot” every-single-day.  It is her responsibility.  I am tired of her rages, and it cannot be solely blamed on her not taking her meds.  She just told me yesterday that she doesn’t think they do a “damn” thing for her.  She’s so fucking defensive I hate it.  She’s selfish.  She just told me today that she’s an asshole.  I hate that she is sitting here pushing me away, and again, I stay, because I feel like it is my right to be treated with respect and she knows what acceptable behavior is, and I would like to see her take up her part and demonstrate it.

She is a lousy girlfriend who is not a girlfriend at all.  Here I am trying, with my heart — always, open, and yet she refuses to “be a man” so-to-speak.  She is a fucking slime ball, and again, I say this only because I know that she is capable of doing her half so we wouldn’t have to be this way.  We fight because she is selfish!  I am the one who has done the research and who is willing to work on things, to try things out, to work on myself, etc. and she refuses.  She is resistant to change and incapable of being in a monogamous relationship.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, I have some assholes pranking me now on my cell phone… It’s a bunch of guys and girls pretending to be “radio stations” and saying they’re “alcoholics” and need my help.  I am not even involved with the 12-step community… they asked me obnoxiously if I could help them with their alcohol addiction (I heard a bunch of people laughing in the background), and I said, “I’m sorry, but I am not a counselor or therapist; I’m a life coach,” and they said, “Fuck you ******” and hung up.  I am tired of being harassed.  I feel like everything in my life right now is going down hill.

Furthermore, I cannot leave this shit hole of a lifestyle until I have a steady job.  Right now I am doing coaching, yes, but I only have 1 paying client because I am not working a steady job right now so I am not “linked up,” ie: marketing, networking, etc.  I am doing what I can to market online and have offered some complimentary sessions to people, but most of those people, like everyone I am meeting, have stood me up, probably because it’s true that when you offer something for “free” it’s not taken seriously.  I basically need to only accept clients who are willing to pay for my services in order to not get yanked around.

The housing environment I am living in is controlling in every way, shape, and form, and I do not have any space to live or breathe — I do not feel supported in any way and do not have any friends that I relate to.  I have gone to several events, on average about 2 a week now, which is huge for me, and I have met several people, and only one group I bond with.  The group of people I bond with are create, mixed bag of “Highly Sensitive” persons.  It’s basically a discussion group based off a book, “The Highly Sensitive Person,” and it meets once a month in different parts of PA — not exactly that accessible.

At any rate, I bonded with the people there.  As a “Highly Sensitive” person, we are sensitive to stimuli — sound, light, noise, textures, etc.  We need things quiet, like nature, enjoy reflecting, reading, writing, etc. — have exceptional empathetic skills, psychic abilities (vary person-by-person), creative, bright, etc.  The group ranges from people ages 40-70, and I really got along with the group.  I was happy there and felt safe.  I was also engaged.  It felt good.  So yeah, peers my age I do not typically fit in with, which doesn’t mean I am not willing to try, just simply that I know what works for me.

In terms of work, I am putting myself out there, and I have not heard back from anyone.  I do not understand this phenomena, as I am a very hard worker.  I am honestly thinking that this is a time in my life that is supposed to be absolute hell (turmoil) for me.  Nothing is working and everything is failing.  There are “good” days and there are bad, and the bad far outweigh the good.  I was happy in Vermont, but quite frankly, I don’t think, or know how much geographical location should play a part in one’s happiness… I think that happiness should be and start internally.

Tonight I am going to go to this “business” networking event where there will be 150 people.  I have never been to anything like this, and I am a bit nervous and already having doubts about it.  150 people is a lot of people.  I can stand small groups, but large groups drive me nuts and are overwhelming.  The business meetup is also at a sports bar which bothers me, and I cannot help but think, “What is this world coming to?”  ie, why can’t the  meetup be at a non-smoke/alcohol place where everyone can enjoy it?

I just don’t know which path/direction to take… I want to go back to school, but I also don’t want to hide behind school, and I also think that I need to be working first before enrolling in a graduate program.  I need income.  I have only a little left in my bank account… I sold my car, which is how I have been paying for every day living, but what’s left will only hold out for so long…

All of my tarot readings keep predicting major negativity.  And no, not all tarot card readings are negative, and no, “tarot” cards (for anyone reading this) are not “satanic.”  Some people have natural gifts and abilities, and I look at the cards quite literally… they’re cards with pictures depicted on them (and no, they are not haunting images) that we project our subconscious onto and tell a story with.  They are found in the “game” section at stores.

At any rate, I am happy to have found my “people,” ie: the 40-70 year old’s, but they all live in the upper class and wealthy neighborhoods.  They have shown me around and have offered to introduce me to their friends, which is great, but it’s a good 1 hour and 30 minute bus ride each way out to their area.  I live in South Philly; they live in Mt. Airy and tons in Chestnut Hill (suburbs of Philly).  So yeah…. It is just lonesome for me right now, and I feel like my world is falling apart…

In terms of the MMS — Magical Mineral Solution… I am still taking it hour by hour.  The taste is still disgusting (this started after 6 weeks of taking it).  It seems to be working.  I am now on a higher dose of thyroid medication (MMS seems to be interfering with the absorption of the pill) which is making me feel jittery.  I was on 50 mcg of thyroid supplement before and it made me hyper (the opposite of what I am) thyroid, and I had to lower my dose to 37 mg.  If 50 is too much and 37 not enough, I will have to take matters into my own hands and do 37 one day and 50 the next, etc.

I just want things to fall in line for me; I have so much potential, and I just don’t know what’s happening… I honestly wonder if it’s fate, and am scared that I have lost something essential needed to live my life.  Which brings me to say, “What in life is really necessary?”  Maybe this is some sick lesson about my priorities… maybe all we need in life is food, shelter, clothing, friends, and God.  If that’s the case, to the hell with everything — screw work, etc.  Really though… if I can’t even find work, attract clients, friends, etc. then SOME thing in my life is not right.

I need answers.  ie, divinely answers.  God, do you want to speak to me?  Am I supposed to be going to this bar tonight, God?  …to meet other “business” people?  Is “business” even where I’m supposed to be?  “I’m a writer for god-sake,” I think to myself.  And to those readings this, I assure you I am not lost — just a little off the beaten path.  At any rate, “God, do you want to guide me on which path and direction I am supposed to take so that my life can go smoothly?”

May 18th, 2011. The beautiful [ugly] truth.

There isn’t much left in this “life” for me… I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true… every relationship that I have had with anyone has virtually failed.  This has been the year of hell for me in terms of relationships, as they’ve all been rough, and I have lost more “friends,” or potential friends than I can count.  I have been miserable.  I do believe in numerology, and it has been said that the number “11,” ie: 2011 often represents relationships and is associated with turbulence…

Things have never been smooth with Erin and I… from the very beginning she tried to control me.  Unfortunately, I let her.  I made the mistake of thinking I would never find another “safe” relationship and so I accommodated.  I had been in a highly abusive relationship prior to the relationship with Erin, and I was subconsciously afraid I would never find another “safe” person, and so I gave in… and I virtually lost myself.

I lost my friends (I chose to give them  up) and then later on (sadly) I lost friends that I did not choose to give up.  In all of this tribulation, I cannot help but think there is a greater “lesson.”  Perhaps the “relationship” I should be paying most attention to is the relationship with myself.  Why is it that I seem to think I can’t not be in a relationship?  What is it about a relationship I like?

I do know one thing… I am terribly afraid of rejection, ie: abandonment.  Meaning, I perceive rejection as a type — another abandonment.  I hate rejection.  I also hate when I am rejected, and I become furious — unfortunately, I take out that “fury” on myself.  ie, I believe that I was the cause of it, not “good enough,” etc. and self-pity and wallowing here they come!

At any rate, I’m sick and tired of my relationships not working out… I just want to be happy and more so fulfilled.  Fulfillment is very important to me.  I can’t even seem to get a job!  I have never had a problem finding a job, yet lately I have — “Is it Philadelphia,” I ask?  Is it because I’m not “ready” yet according to God or whoever is “up” there?  Have I not learned my “lesson” yet — or the lesson I am supposed to learn?  Am/are my eyes not open?  ie, am I missing opportunities?  Am I too caught up in something — someone else?

I am honestly sick and tired of relationships — they come and go and they can’t be trusted.  I used to trust everyone — perhaps that was my problem — now I trust virtually no one.  I am open and curious on the outside, yet there’s now always this inner doubt.  I always wonder, “Can I trust this person?”  — “Will he/she hurt me?”  “What are their intentions?”  I am always cross-examining everything — it’s exhausting.  It’s always that I’m too naive or too closed off, and usually the latter.

I want (am tempted) to sit here and say, “Well, I am just ‘surrounded’ by the right kind of ‘people,’ etc.”  But I must wonder, is it really the kind of people I’m not surrounded by?  What the hell is it, the magical “receipt” – ingredient, to make things work?  Am I in the wrong city?  We already know I was in the wrong relationship… and yes, I say “was” because miss unpredictable — hot and cold has once again sabotaged things.  So forth for trust.

Yeah, inconsistency and unreliability… so goes the game… I guess that was me with Ashley… yeah, don’t even say it… I know I’m “dwelling” on the past, but what else can a person do when the present sucks so bad?  …when the present is painful?  …yet she (my underdeveloped child-like self) am too afraid to move away?  I am a chicken who is resistant to change — well, change of this sort/nature.  I am afraid of this monstrous city and have let my fears get the best of me.  I should have stayed in Vermont.

Why can’t I just have friends around me who are supportive and understanding?  Maybe I am not ready for friends — maybe I am not ready for anyone and am just supposed to stay in this shit hole until I acquire the courage to move.  I am so confused right now, and can honestly say (I realized this tonight) I have never experienced love.  “Love” means so much to so many people — most of the time (I have realized) there are “strings” attached, ie: expectations.  It’s, for instance, I’ll love you “if…” ie, if you do this for me… right.   People (no one) should ever be made to do something.  People need to speak up for what they want.

If Erin was never happy maybe she should have told me.  Maybe she shouldn’t have tried to control me out of fear of separation, and maybe I shouldn’t have given into her.  Maybe I should have been strong enough and lived my own life, but she threatened to leave, and it played off my worst fears because I had just been in a horrible (no exaggeration) relationship.  So I caved.

We ventured… together… and she became in the finest sense “complacent.”  Oh, I hate that word — complacency… it destroys so many Americans minds.  I am probably complacent right now come to think about it… fear-driven… locked into this pattern, choosing to remain “stuck” because of the lack of ‘security’ I have on the other side, ie: financial, emotional, etc.  The only “security” I’ve ever had is nature really and Vermont… ie, its people.  Pardon me, nature was rather the only peace I ever had… Security in actuality is non-existent.  Shit can be taken away from you at any time — nothing is forever, ie: permanent.  Things change… people (heart’s) change… a house can lost to fire..

“Love” — it never stays the same.  Departures, quick romances, flicks, long-term disillusionment… what the fuck does it all mean?  I have developed a bitterness.  My heart is closing off, and I am hurting terribly.  I am doing what I can to survive, but it’s just that… survival.  No one is here to “save” me — I can only save myself, but how the hell am I supposed to do that, when, lets look at the reality of my situation, I have no steady income (Okay, wow, I have one paying coaching client right now — I guess I could still be grateful for that) and I’m living with my now ex-partner and have zero friends.

I have been trying to get out there and meet people and network, but apparently my connections suck… my life, quite simply, has been too wrapped up in trying to obtain the “love,” or rather, trust from a partner who destroyed it (integrity) a long time ago.  Yet I hung on because I took it personally?  I guess I never did (have) learned how to properly let go… your ears are my command and parade — have at it.  It is what it is.  “Be careful what you wish for,” all your dreams/worst nightmares come true — your prophecies.  You learn to read between the lines, but I will tell you right now, my life never should have been just that.

My eyes hurt — literally, from “reading between the lines.”  I want to see things literally and as they are, but I also supposed there’s been a great fear in that because I’m probably pussy chicken shit inside.  No one “taught” me how to “be” — No one taught me how to survive… how to experience… to just let things be… to happen naturally…. every woman I have been with has fucked me over… Enough with the victim-like mentality… I must have, for some reason or another, “chose” these women.

I want to choose me now, but I’m afraid to act.  To stand.  To Speak.  To Stand — Again, to Stand.  All my friends — and most of my family, has up and left — I am my own family, and I have to admit, it’s pretty damn lonely — and dark.  It’s better to speak and be in the dark.  I’m longing to connect, but am terrified now and feel like an alien.  An outsider.