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Author, Speaker, Trainer, Personal Consultant
“What is it I can do 7 days a week that will put a smile on your face?” -Les Brown
“From one of the world’s leaders thinkers on creativity and innovation”
“Finding your passion changes everything”
Key leadership and professional development consultant and coach
-Emily A. Cox
Sometimes I feel sad and have to remind myself of my life purpose. I am human and cannot deny my emotions. To be cut off from loved ones hurts, and I don’t think you can really understand what that feels like until you’re in the shoes yourself. Amongst all of the hard work, I still think of her… she’s in the back of my mind, and I can only wonder whether she thinks of me. I see her from time to time, and she ignores me…. because? She is running away from herself and her feelings, that which she knows to be true but hates the site of it because on some subconcious level she is afraid… of hurt…. of rejection.
That is some pain, to deny those you love, and honesty. She’s killing herself. Numb. “Addicted.” Not to any drug, but to self-denial. It preludes. And I am left to stand here…
I cannot walk away from something I know to be true, nor can I deny my feelings. For the longest time I always knew her to be so “alive.” Now, I don’t know where she stands, much less where we stand other than the wall she’s placed between us. It boggles me. I’m sure we’ve all felt this way – romantic heartbreak… at some point or another.. where the feelings that linger… and no matter what, they just don’t go away. Friendship, closeness, and the liking. Certain people in our lives stick with us day-to-day. And that’s when I ask,
“What’s my purpose?” I remind myself of why I am here, and it’s not to love you… my soul purpose is not to love you, but I want a friend… a kinship. And yet she runs and she hides… this song coming to mind:
How long will she run and hide and seek out the approval of others? And what about that journal, of hers, that I never saw… can she read mine? Does she have any desire to? Does she just write it off like she writes her own feelings off? …lost?
I always stood by her, and I always stood up for her, as she stood up for me, and after all of these years I have never stopped caring for her. We were so alike, two fiery redheads stubborn and as strong as can be. Driven. To succeed, to be the best. To be honest – with ourselves. To be role models. And we were… but “did she die,” I ask? Where am I? Without her, I feel lost in some way… like a part of me has died… I need that connection in my life.
And I just sit here, and I wonder if all of my words are in vain… to take away all the pain, I never drugged out. I never have, nor have I desired to. I stayed clean. I am clean. I always have been, and I always will be. I guess I just have to trust the element of fate in my life a little more and surrender to “What’s meant to be, will be.”
Youtube has once again cut my videos off — the worst ever this time! I think I am going to try uploading via my blackberry and see if it makes a difference… For now, here’s the same old mac webcam I have been using:
I have a vision…
My vision is to… taken from my March 24, 2011 entry
Prevail. Resilience. Bounce back from disappointments.
The vision I hold for myself is what fuels me.
I believe that when the time is right I will go at it full-fledged. I know that I have what it takes inside to accomplish anything I desire to achieve, but I also do believe in a certain element of fate, and accordingly, I believe that there is a time and place for certain things. I am trying right now to heal carefully and not push my body beyond its physical limitations at any given moment, lest my chances of living a healthy, vital life are compromised.
Some — a small number of people that I have spoken with believe that I am living in a “fantasy” world with my vision and need to get “out” there. I have tried to explain to them that the system/structure must be set in motion before I can proceed to carry out my plan. I understand that the structure I create will not be flawless, as I do not believe in the idea of “perfection,” and I acknowledge that it will need adjustments, and I am aware of this; however, I am trying my best to devise it to the best of my ability before attempting to execute it.
Martin Luther King lead by Vision, and he has, for the longest time, been a role model of mine. He has character and morals similar to my own. Granted, I am much younger than him and also from a different time era, but we share similar values. At any rate, we both shared an embodied vision of our future and both share a single-minded, determination in carrying out that vision.
I will work until my very last breath to fulfill this vision, for not ever having had it in my life accompanied by a spiritual nature is what drives me and fuels the fire. I have a larger vision for myself and my family. I am a simple person with simple needs and an intensely rich inner life. I am interested in only the simplest but the richest ways of living, from filling my body with nourishing, wholesome fruits and vegetables to getting adequate, quality sleep to meditating and exercising.
LIVING, BREATHING, WALKING, INSPIRING, CREATING
Life, fire, water, air, and earth. I need little in life but the basics and a few close friends. My priorites are definitely being defined, and I am being shaped every minute. I am interested in what’s important, not in maintain a superficial, artificial life. I will harness my energies and prepare to release these energies adequately. Once I have completely defined what I want I will simplify it, taking something very complicated and watering it down, but nevertheless not losing its quality or rich “nutrients.”
I am interested in developing and maintaining positive relationships this year and provided for myself, setting the foundation to provide for a future family, and being able to give back to the community in which I live.
“I gotta get this ball rolling,” I tell myself. Life. Future. Family. Life for self and family. Educational opportunities. Travel. Culture. Experience(s). “There is a ‘life’ out there waiting for me,” I tell myself. “I will not let my sickness tear me down,” I tell myself.
“WE can do this — myself and my higher power.” God will help me.
This vision will become a success for me if I listen carefully (to guidance) and know when to surrender my ego (willpower).
Family, success, travel, education, opportunity. What I want for my family I need to be able to provide for myself. My community means a lot to me. My dreams, once fulfilled, will include the community at large.
Money flows. I do not need or want a lot, and I would like for it to always be moving. Energetically, flowing — in and out. I am interested in using it to create resources for others (and my family).
Build a plan. Will be myself (and family) a house. I am honored to be a part of other’s lives. Life itself is a precious gift. This is the way I look at life. I love with all of my heart. When I trust, it’s solid. Trust is huge — very important to me.
I work best self-employed. Cash flow, energy. Travel — opportunities. Growth. Challenge. Advancement, Career.
To take care of my family, to sacrifice. I want to die self-sacrificially — my family knowing I was happy, did my best, and died doing what I loved. She may not see it, but she soon will; she will always hold a special place in my heart.
Work, work, work, build, build, build… a tower. A fortress. Work/family/balance. Instill. Live. Donate. Change. Move energy. “I am strong enough,” says the self-dialog. Based upon truth. I was always honest with her.
Self-rescue mission. Mission NOT impossible. Mission is to live out plan. Vision. To carry out vision. To envision and carry out, step-by-step approach. To pursue, life-long jevity. I will be making a list of those I owe and including it in my “plan” to pay each and every one of them off.
I am interested in living a successful and abundant life, free where I can travel and create opportunity, to inspire, give hope and inspiration. To see. What others do not. My card, “17 The Star,” I am made, chosen to create. I have been chosen. I will give, selflessly of myself and my time, balancing resources and energy.
Family + Community mean the most to me. To thrive. To instill. To provide life — life is precious. Opportunities are like a squeezed lemon; do not waste them! Seize every opportunity in life that is beneficial and in line-accordance with your beliefs and vision for yourself and your future.
“Make it your day –” It’s your life, create it!
I have a vision for myself and my family, and I am determined to work tirelessly to achieve the vision, with the grace of God.
Self-sufficient and self-employed. Able to travel. Educational and cultural experiences. Well-developed values. Personal and social change. Successful integration.
While in my room today packing my backpack for a day out today, I thought to myself:
“This situation is not favorable and very unhealthy, and I have to find a way to pack my bags…”
I’m sitting right in this middle of this “shit.” This is excess baggage, and I want out. The truth is, I am too good for this, yet I am tolerating it.
I am allowing my past to dominate me, and I no longer want to let it control me. Action needs to follow. A plan needs to be developed. I clearly need to rescue myself.
We teach others how to treat us.
This is not acceptable behavior and I need to learn to respect myself more and move myself into action.
So as everyone may or may not already know, my New Year’s Resolution this year is to develop a healthy relationship with myself so that I can have healthy relationships with others. I want to learn about myself and how to be intimate with myself. I believe, this in exchange, will allow me to be intimate with others and have vulnerable honest exchanges with others. I cannot throw myself into relationships anymore without [before first] building (establishing) a relationship with myself. I need to really get to know myself, and I don’t just mean on an intellectual level, but emotionally and spiritually.
I need to be able to sit with myself and be comfortable in my own skin. Most of my relationships have been formed prematurely. Intimacy –true intimacy was never established. We were both young and new little about ourselves.
I have a lot of grieving to do. I have basically lived through others (sacrificed my own wants/needs) to make others happy, and so much of my happiness has been based off others reaction’s. I need to begin getting to know myself and learning to sit with myself.
The challenge I think will be not getting sidetracked by Erin, or another relationship. I really need to stay honest with myself lest I fall back into the obsessive relating –ie, “other” -focused pattern. I need to just trust myself and focus on myself and my spirituality. It’s really hard though when I fear abandonment, and being around Erin triggers me. I am triggered by her issues of NON-respect, honesty, dependability, communication, and commitment, but I need to remember that I chose her –subconsciously or not, and I cannot undue the past, only learn from it.
What Erin does is her choice. I cannot control what she does, and if I am hurt by her, I should have the ability to leave. Unfortunately I don’t because I’m in a situation of financial dependence, however I am doing my best to pull myself out of it. The only concern I have now is health issues, and I’m concerned that it might complicate matters.
I am trying to trust and surrender to a higher power, but am finding it difficult. I’m not sure why I’m so outcome (control) focused. I want to just “surrender” and let things happen, naturally. I am not sure what will have to happen to help me surrender, but something… and hopefully not a life-threatening illness. All I know is that I haven’t been able to find work, and I have been desperately worried about my situation, both with myself and with my relationships.
I want to live a purposeful life with integrity and clarity and stop functioning from old ways relating and living; it’s not healthy. I want to breathe life again and not be fearful and run and hide. I have been in the dark for far too long, and I’m ready to be guided. Where is a spiritual power when you need it? I had begun developing faith literally 3 months ago, and it just sort of descended because I slipped back into my old pattern of relating… I want it back. I was starting to re-establish trust in myself and others, and I lost it. I have become more fearful and less trusting.
I think I am going to read up on card 12 “The Hanged Man” –read some mythology on it and such and see if I can figure out how to open myself up to be coached/taught (humbled). I might also listen to some AA speaker tapes, as I believe it’s steps 3, 6, and 11 in 12-step recovery that are about allowing oneself to be instructed.