From then until now


Ashley and I’s number is “17.”  She would dare to do the unspeakable.  It’s funny because she had told me to go to this station… now called “Iheartradio,” saying that she “loved” Shinedown, and I shit you not, I go to it, 5 years later and SHINEDOWN is on the front page…

It’s eerie.  Anyway, this isn’t the original video that I saw, but one similar… the original was live in New York on November 17th, 2005.  And right when he says his first “I Dare You,” I think of Ashley completely.

He has truly admirable qualities… a good head on his shoulder’s, passion, conviction, sincerity, loyalty.  When he says “Call me a liar,” you cannot dispute his authenticity.  He knows the truth and it’s irrefutable.

I feel like I should give my very worst fear a  voice.  I feel like I should say, right now, “I’m afraid she’s going to call me up and tell me that she’s marrying someone.”  Another part of me doesn’t want to write that on this page and put it “out” there.

I feel like I am missing out on her life right now… so many things… her grandmother – is she still alive?  How’s Wesley? etc.

Yet another part of me trusts that things will turn out the way that they should.  You know, it sucks when you know things that other people don’t… yet you have to remain silent.  I know some things are better of kept a secret.  I also don’t want to, and won’t, die pretending I don’t care.  I cannot, for the life of me, be someone that I am not.

There exists an unspeakable, undeniable truth.

Conviction of purpose.

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June 7th, 2011. The Contemplation of Death. Existential Matters.


You know, something we don’t think about often is death.  I keep getting the “10 of swords” and “5 of pentacles” is nearly all of my tarot readings.  Tarot plays off ones subconscious and works via quantum physics similar to the law of attraction.  The cards are not “evil” as some religious folks might believe – they are impressions in image-form.  In other words, we think certain things and have a subconscious and the images reflect this subconscious domain.

Both of these cards are dis-favorable cards, and I have drawn them more times than I can count.  The reality is my health is not in good shape and is compromised.  My ear-node pain is getting worse.  I have it in both ears, although the right side (also where my asymmetrical tonsil is located) is worse, and it gets so bad sometimes that it radiates to my upper jaw, causing a headache in back and front and then finally neck and shoulder pain.  The ear-node pain is worse when I am stressed out and cold air makes it worse, however, the pain comes and goes at any time.

All other symptoms, ie: hair loss, joint pain in hand/fingers, weight gain (and loss), fatigue (extreme), dry/red/bloodshot eyes, hot/cold flashes, occasional night sweats, etc. are so trivial compared to the ear-node pain, which on a 1-5 scale is about a 4 most of the time, sometimes hitting a 3 and other times a whopping 5.  I am too young to be having these kinds of issues.  Whatever I have going on — this “viral” illness that I came down with either in August of 2008 or Fall of 2007 (I became extremely sick both times) has caused my thyroid to stop working and one thing after another (in my body) to shut down.

At any rate, I am concerned, and I am now thinking about what would happen if I died… ie, if what I have going on is serious, ie: cancer, a tumor, etc.  The cards that have continually popped out are standing out.  “Cards” aside, I have a health issue that is progressively getting worse and nobody knows what it is.  One agency — IGENIX — a top lyme-testing lab in Palo Alto, CA, has diagnosed me with chronic lyme disease and yet the CDC (Center for Disease Control), which we all know has too “low” standards, states that I only meet 3 out of 5 criteria for lyme and so I would technically not have it.  This in and of itself is a huge controversy within the lyme community.

Needless to say, I am thinking about existential matters.  On my way home tonight from NJ after having ran errands and bought groceries I pondered, “What are the 12 things I would like to do before I die?”  ie, if you found out you had 6 months to live, what would you do?  So it has me thinking… and I know that sounds depressing, but lets be prepared for the worst-case scenario.  What do I really have here?  My things — they mean nothing; they will parish when I do.  “What matters to me?”  Death really makes you contemplate.

I cannot help but wonder how many people have had near-death experiences that have changed their lives.  Will I have one?  I can’t tell you how many psychics I’ve been to — trusted ones (my family used to go to one — Ms. Nancy Bowman) who have told me I will have a “cancer” scare — and “scare” or not, that may involve surgery, death, etc.  At any rate, it makes you think — “What is ‘life’ (this thing I have not even begun to fully experience) all about?”  “What will/would I like to do if I was going to die in 6 months and knew it?”  “What things would (will) I have experienced?”

My first thought, or one of my first thoughts was “I wish I had money (I don’t have any savings or inheritance, what can I say?) I would give it to Ashley and to Jen’s little brother, Jessy.”  I say this not because I think money has worth, but because I believe that it can get people somewhere — it can provide opportunity.  I want to see little Jessy go to college; I have desired that from him since I first saw him, because he deserves it.  At any rate, I do not have money, so what can I give?  That brings me to say “What would I do?” ie, listing 10-12 things before my life runs out.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

How often and how many of us really think about this?  At any minute any of us could come down with a terminal illness — what are the things (journal) that would want to do given your 6 months to live?

I had told Erin tonight that I would be happy just knowing that I have discovered my purpose – do you know how rare and precious of a gift that is, especially for someone my age?  My purpose is to Serve — to be a vessel, a catalyst for others — to create opportunity and prosperity.  I am interested in providing for myself, my future family, and the community — providing financial and educational opportunities.  Maybe I would have never had a chance to live out that dream; however, I am grateful for having had the clarity to discover the purpose.

I discovered my purpose while in Vermont, which was the best (most life-enhancing) experience of my life.  It really opened my eyes up, and I am thankful (gracious) to have experienced it.  I met some wonderful people and for the first time in my life can say that I discovered “family.”  We choose our family.  Anothe thing, I discovered I had choice in Vermont, and I also found (for the most part) my Voice.  I was able to express myself there for perhaps the first time and was encouraged to express myself and develop my potential.  People (the community) supported me — my interests, well-being, etc.

I will have to think about how to answer this question.  10 things

April 27th, 2011. Influences, wishes, and desires.


There are two women who have been in my life that still hold a special place in my heart.  These women are Ashley and Jen — two very positive people.  People might ask why Jen, when she was so flaky and unreliable, and to tell you the truth, despite her inconsistency, contradictions, back and forth, push/pull behavior, she was in love with life and it was contagious.

Ashley shared this joy, but with the reliability piece :P  Both of these women nevertheless helped shape my life, and I thank them for it.  I miss them both dearly.  I think they, or Jen rather thought I was too “emotional” for her tastes.  Jen would always joke with me and say we were so “different” (quote) — that we just “looked at things differently” — Amanda said the same thing to me.  Jen and Amanda were supposed “Sensors” in the mbti — as opposed to the “Intuitive” I am, so of course we looked at things differently!

At any rate, their energy for life really rubbed off on me, and the positivity was really healthy.  I have been surrounded by negativity for far too long — I am depressed and feel like I have reached the end.  I feel stagnated and entirely devoid of trust.  I really want my life to turn upside down — for fate to change, for the better.  I need an opportunity — a shift, for my perspective, etc. to change so that I can be joyous and free again.  I am not sure how I let these prison gates define me?

How have I imprisoned myself?  In what ways?  I long to break free, out of this shell and launch into a new life.  I guess the choice starts with me.  Why am I so afraid?  — to take risks?  What do I need that will enable me to do this?  How can this misery end and construction be discovered?  I want to rejoice in life, not dread it.  I feel like I’m breathing in pollution — the “air ways” literally and figuratively are being polluted, and I can’t breathe… I am choking.  I am exhausted.  Sleepless nights get the best of me.  I have insomnia.  I have nightmares.

I miss poetry, music, lights, art, friends, laughter, camping, bicycling, rollerblading, doing fun stuff — things that Erin and I do not have in common and that she refuses to even try.  Her closed-off ness and unwillingness I cannot change — God bless her for the suffering she experiences.  I try my best to always stay open — I think I have done well.  I have remained vulnerable and open to learning (Jen was perhaps one of the only people I have ever dated to have opened up my heart to love and unconditional self-regard and acceptance)

and sharing and trying — perhaps too open in that regard.  At any rate, I have tried, successfully to keep my guard down and to rid the “iron gate,” which permeated my soul and spirit for far too long.


I think we limit ourselves; little do we — I in this case, realize all the choices

we have — the vast array.  There is “life” here.  Perhaps I need to open my eyes… to release… to surrender… to something greater…

to know that I can overcome this difficulty and triumph.  Somewhere, I think to myself, there has to be integrity… a soul that cares, a person that is real, a lover who is consistent — but wait, it must first start with myself.  Am I being consistent?  Am I being honest with myself?  Am I lying and deluding myself into believing there’s something “there” when there’s not — that she — Erin is the right person for me?

We all know she is not.  Correction:  I know that she is not, yet we try, because why?  Because we “want” it to work?  Two people need to surrender.  How different are we, I ask?  Are we worlds apart?  …far, few, and in-between?  Does she respect and appreciate my sensitive nature?  I am a poet, a lover, nurturing… I am loving, and strong.  I am devoted, protective — can you stand for this?  I think we missed our mark.  I was not the chosen.

It escapes me.  I let you fall through my fingertips.  Here’s an idea for you:  Don’t let go of that which you treasure; it will only burn and bury you.  Be honest with yourself and your motivations, your intentions, your feelings — stay true to all you know.  Do not compromise your values or allow yourself to drink or thirst for something that does not serve you.  You will die and be left unchosen.  I never wanted to be alone in and with this, and perhaps I never was — perhaps this entire time I had God on my side but could not see — too wrapped up, caught-up in the lesser problems of my life, the trivial matters to see.  But all along, he (the “God” of my understanding) has been there.  My eyes have just been shut…

Prayer:  Please crack them open so that I can see.

God, make yourself known to me.  Seen, heard, and felt.

March 13th, 2011. “Down Poison” by 3 Doors Down.


“Down Poison” -3 Doors Down.

I’ve dreamed about this,
Sixteen days away
Now you’re here,
And my head lays besides your body,
Pillowed under mine
You were poison,
Spinning round my mind
Welcome to my world
She said, do you feel
Alive she said
It’s all a bad dream,
Spinning in your lonely head,
Welcome to my world,
She said, separated world,
She said, separated,
Down poison,
Down poison,
Body withered,
Body died,
Time to take away this life
Bad enough to die from one,
Not to mention
Four or five
Welcome to my world
She said, do you feel alive she said
It’s all a bad dream,
Spinning in your lonely head
Welcome to my world she said,
Separated world,
She stayed separated
Down poison, down poison
Down poison, down
You weren’t there for me, I was there for you
You weren’t there for me, I was there for you
You weren’t there for me, I was there for you
You weren’t there for me, I was there for you
You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve died for you
You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve died for you
You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve already died for you
You wouldn’t die, you wouldn’t die, you wouldn’t die!
Welcome to my world she said, do
you feel alive she said
It’s all a bad dream,
Spinning in your lonely head
Welcome to my world she said,
Separated world, she stayed separated
Down poison, down poison
Down poison, down.