April 17th, 2012 Ashley and her new lifestyle


So I am not sure whether to be angry or happy for Ashley.  I know that sounds horrible, but I am a bit shocked and mortified to see that her profile picture on facebook is now of her and a guy.  She’s been dating this guy for a while, at least for a few months, and it’s petty clear.  Worst of all, the guy dresses like me.  Literally, when I saw their pic yesterday as Ashley’s main profile pic, I had on the exact same shirt on as the guy, no exaggeration!  …a button up long sleeve shirt, with a white T underneath.

To make matters worse, when I clicked on his profile to find out a little more about who the magical guy is, there are pictures of them at OUR place!  …literally, “OUR” place – Mudlavia!  wtf?  Okay.  You know, she calls me a year ago and tells me how she met this other guy “just like me,” etc… I mean, “just” like and goes on and on obsessively, and how we’re “soooo similar,” and she “can’t get ‘over,’ it.”  Riiiight.

I am angry, and I am not going to worry about it much anymore.  If that’s the lifestyle she’s going to choose to lead, then she can lead it.  I don’t differeniate gender or let it confime me.  Erin brought up the fact that maybe she hasn’t told this guy that she’s been with woman… who knows… I doubt that, because Ashley is very open about everything, but who knows.  At any rate, I don’t define myself according to predisposited “gender” roles.

There really isn’t much else I can say other than the sickness in my stomach has gone away, and I literally feel angry and likely very shocked at what I see.  It is what it is… I haven’t felt this way in a while; I think the last time I felt like this was when Ashley was with Crystal, and I regretted having screwed up with her.

I have changed, 100%.  I know that I can make her happy.  I know that we can make each other happy – that is the furthest thing from her mind though, and I have to and will respect that.  I am honestly about to just try to “drop” all of this… I am so tired of it.  I am hurt and turned off right now. 

I think I am going to get ready and go for a bike ride on my new fixie.  I want to get my body in shape and build it strong.  I want to live a long life.  I have dreams and goals I have set for myself, and I plan to reach them.

From then until now


Ashley and I’s number is “17.”  She would dare to do the unspeakable.  It’s funny because she had told me to go to this station… now called “Iheartradio,” saying that she “loved” Shinedown, and I shit you not, I go to it, 5 years later and SHINEDOWN is on the front page…

It’s eerie.  Anyway, this isn’t the original video that I saw, but one similar… the original was live in New York on November 17th, 2005.  And right when he says his first “I Dare You,” I think of Ashley completely.

He has truly admirable qualities… a good head on his shoulder’s, passion, conviction, sincerity, loyalty.  When he says “Call me a liar,” you cannot dispute his authenticity.  He knows the truth and it’s irrefutable.

I feel like I should give my very worst fear a  voice.  I feel like I should say, right now, “I’m afraid she’s going to call me up and tell me that she’s marrying someone.”  Another part of me doesn’t want to write that on this page and put it “out” there.

I feel like I am missing out on her life right now… so many things… her grandmother – is she still alive?  How’s Wesley? etc.

Yet another part of me trusts that things will turn out the way that they should.  You know, it sucks when you know things that other people don’t… yet you have to remain silent.  I know some things are better of kept a secret.  I also don’t want to, and won’t, die pretending I don’t care.  I cannot, for the life of me, be someone that I am not.

There exists an unspeakable, undeniable truth.

Conviction of purpose.