May 31st, 2012 Update – Blah

I am feeling very much so in a very “stuck” place in my life right now… kind of like the “4 of cups” tarot card.  That, is how I feel.  I for one am NOT losing any weight, despite how often I exercise and how healthy I eat.  I attribute it to my thyroid, which I believe I am under medicated for.  June 4th I drive to Indianapolis to file to get medical care at the walk-in clinic because it’s one of the only clinics in Indiana that is 90% income-based.  From there, I will likely have to wait 2-3 weeks to even get in with a doctor.  Yes, an hour and a half each direction ($50 in gas for my beast) to do paperwork alone; then, another drive to see the doctor.

Needless to say, the process is very frustrating.  Erin and I are both struggling financially right now, and I have so much potential, and I am apparently not living it up.  I know that Erin and I are not meant to be together, and I know for a fact that I am still in love with Ashley.  Erin and I are together right now only to help each other out financially, and unfortunately Erin owes me $7,000 and going up per month.  I am basically paying all of our bills, and we are almost flat broke.

I do not want to work for anyone.  I hate working for people, and it is completely stifling.  I cannot ever seem to find a job that I enjoy when it involves working for or under someone.  I am wanting to work for myself and be fully independent.  It is easier said than done, but everyone around me seems to own their own business… meaning, everyone in my family – they are all self-sufficient, and half of them didn’t even graduate college!  Granted, my father and my sister have Master’s Degree’s, but no one else, and they are making over 100K a year.

My biological father makes 6 figures a year.  All of them do it (the work) on their own, and of course, they have hired people.  But they are CEO’s.  I am not sure what’s going on with my life as to why I cannot seem to make ends meet for myself right now, but it’s the student loans that are killing me… I owe $714 a month in student loans… I can barely even afford to make rent + utilities, let alone student loans or anything else.

I am having a bad day today.  I have “stuff,” literally everywhere… and “stuff” has NOT made us money.  We have good stuff, too, but apparently this is not what we’re “meant” to do.  I am trying to narrow my focus down to only what’s important, and I feel like I am doing this all the time.  I am getting down the basics… and I prefer it that way, yet I am not happy about where I currently am in life.

It would seem the only option for Erin and I to be financially secure is to go to South Korea for 1 year in January and teach English… where she can pay me back then, and I can at least put a little money aside.  There isn’t anything in the United States here for me right now… I need to get this debt down.  I am also depressed I think about this whole Ashley thing… I am really sad (and angry) – I suppose it’s grief, that she is not in my life.

I am angry that she just walked out of my life when I, and really, each other had been there for each other for years.  I was going to buy her a plane ticket once to a personal growth psychology conference in Colorado… I had the money then, and I knew she would love that.  She said I was “nuts.”  I am very generous when it comes to time and resources in terms of people I truly love.  Of course now I would not be in a position to do that, however, I was then.  What’s changed?  Student loan money ran out… and I have paid Erin’s bills.

When Erin works, she cheats.  It’s a double-edged whammy for me.  I cannot trust her anywhere… this “relationship,” as I have said many times before, is virtually non-existent.  But I am here, for now, because I can’t make it on my own, either, to survive.  …until, as I said, we go to Korea, where the money is guaranteed and housing paid, so I can afford to cut down on some of the debt.  1 year in Korea and then I shall be good to go for a while.

Student loan companies and student loans in general are a complete joke.  They rip people off.  They do not work with you at all, not “private” companies at least, ie: Sallie Mae’s private loans.  Unfortunately I have a bunch of them because my parent’s made “too much money” for me to qualify for federal aid, at the time I applied for college, the first couple years.  Very aggravating… ill despite the fact that I never saw a penny from my family, student loan companies took this into account.

So I said, “I don’t care, I am going to go to school,” and I took out the private loans.  Now debt hangs over my head, and we, people, dream of ways to pay it off.  I am highly capable so I am not sure what’s going on here… why I am struggling?  I am not inspired, and I am honestly wanting Ashley to come back into my life as a friend.  I want to do fun things together… to talk… about everything.  I am sick of the lame people here in Lafayette (literally) – they are all ignorant.  Nobody shares the same interests as us here… ie, organic, health food, exercise, progressive politics, etc.  Just “progressive!”  It’s… all in Bloomington, and even then, I’m not sure if it would be like in Vermont, or more “progressive” states.

I just feel… “blah” right now.  My family does not talk to me… my brother, sister, mother, Amy, cousins, etc.  It’s as though, literally, ever since I went to VT, everyone has cut me off… okay, so I have different beliefs… your point?  They have ex-communicated me.  I am not exaggerating.  I am ignored and flat-out not invited to family get togethers and gatherings.  Do you know how sad this is?

Anyway, I want to go because I want to try and work out my never-changing stomach… at another shot to correct something that can’t be corrected with out the proper medication, which, at this point, is just a “waiting” period, ie:  June/July doctor.


Confirmed =)

Confirmed – Ashley lives here!

Now I have to get to work… lots do to today.  I have to clean out the booth from K&C’s Stuff & Things – Never again consignment!  Consignment sales were horrible, for everyone!

After clearing out the booth, we are probably (well, are, haha) going to be left with a lot of stuff.  This is always fun… sarcasm!  There is a community yard sale this weekend, so it should be pretty fun.  Great way to get rid of it!  Everything that does not sell will be donated to charity.

Alright, I need to get to work!  Have a good day!

Crazy coincidences…

So curiosity has struck me because I keep seeing “Illinois” plates EVERYWHERE, and Erin suggested that it might be Ashley “thinking” about me.  This started on Memorial Day, and it’s been nuts – like, they will randomly jump out in front of me and are literally EVERYWHERE.  Anyway, so tonight, I can’t remember what prompted me, I googled Ashley’s name and stuff with her mother came up.  Before I go there, I wanted to say that it said Ash lives in Chicago… “Mylife” pretty much reveals everywhere you have lived… it even mentioned that Ash lived in Wisconsin..

So a few things… first off, I think it is very eerie that Ashley’s mom was on the news a couple years ago and traded in her silver dollars… when I literally collect them and buy them off people.  I literally (call it “luck” or what – actually, I think it’s karma, because I had some stolen from me in the past) paid $22 for 3 of them, and they together are worth $2,000.  The guy at the Fairgrounds said that he thought they were “fake,” but they turned out to be real!

Anyway, so here’s the news article I found with Teresa (Ash’s mother) selling them:  She got ripped off MAJORLY by the way, but that’s another story.  I collect them, and I would have given her $50 a piece for them!  Some of them can be worth good money.

Excited by what I had discovered, I bravely and likely in vain, sent Teresa a Facebook message that reads:

  • Emily A Cox
  • 21 minutes ago

    • Teresa,

      Hey, I saw your news article on the news. I actually buy silver dollar coins for $50 a piece. It looks like you sold quite a few! If you get anymore, I will buy them off of you.

      I hope you have been doing well, there are some great changes at Twkyenham! The pool is about to open, and I am super excited!

      I had a dream that you got a house! I hope you are doing well, and enjoying your new place.

      -Emily A Cox”

Anyway, then the saddest thing came up… and I have been thinking about, and have actually thought about this, several times… Ashley’s dearest grandmother… she passed away… exactly what I was afraid of.  Article:

I want to apologize to Ashley for not being there… I didn’t have any idea she had passed sine Ashley cut me off right around the time of this article… if I had known that, I would have literally, flown to this funeral and been there with Ashley.  I am not exaggerating; I would do anything for that woman, and to support her… her grandmother was such a beautiful, nice, strong woman.  She died around the time Ashley and I met… “March.”  Granted, 8 years later.  Still, I do not remember the last time that I heard from Ashley…

The last conversation I had with her was while I was at the mall in New Jersey with Erin shopping for Mac’s… we had gone to the Mac store, then to the Disney store (for Erin), then to a food equipment store, and I had called Ashley somewhere in between… I think in the Disney store… and I had told her that I would be going to South Korea to teach English.  I am not sure of the month, but I honestly think it was right around the time her grandmother had passed… I had/have never heard from Ashley since, except that she no longer wanted to talk with me should my “feelings” come between her and a “future” relationship.

I wish I had the email from Ashley that she sent me departing our own ways, but I don’t… I closed the account… I might actually have it in a blog, I would have to check… Irregardless, I am shocked to learn that her grandmother passed, and I am more saddened than anything to have not been able to be a part of Ashley’s support during this trying phase, especially since she was there when my father passed away.

Article #2:

I just signed the guestbook… I will probably go and pay my respects and put flowers on her grave soon.

Some errie coincidences are coming up with this search… As I posted in a previous entry, I had a dream that Teresa bought a house… well, on one of the searches it says a house was either sold or purchased on April 21st 2012 to Teresa via Majestic Homes – IF it’s the same Teresa!  Weird weird weird… I do not have a connection like this with anyone else… the only two other experiences I have had were with my stray cat, “Buckeye,” 15 years ago and my ex, Jen… so strange.  Only Ashley.

THEN the woman who baptized me (My mother’s BEST friend) comes up: Dr. Sally Downham Miller – AEI Speakers Bureau, still in the “Teresa” search… what the hell! …ofall people!  Creepy!  Yeah… “Majestic HOME” sale:

2450 Estancia Lane Majestic Custom Homes of Lafayette Inc. Teresa A. Hull 3/15/2012 Lafayette $155,450.00 $300.00

2450 Estancia Lane… I am sorry, but this cannot get any creepier.  I dream of this woman… well, Ashley, not her mother, obviously ;)  …although, as I said, I dreamt that she purchased a house… in fact, I honestly want to go back and see when I dreamt it, because it may (actually, it was) right around the time that she purchased it!  I mean, I have had dreams of Ashley, where I am screaming her name… like, waking up and screaming her name.  I had one dream like this, and it was extremely powerful and intense.

I also had a dream that Ashley was coming to visit home, and sure enough, she did!  …the next day!  Erin swears we are meant to be.  Anyway, I have to go check this out.  As for everything else going on, a lot.  Re-instated, I picked up a part-time job to help supplement some money until South Korea next year :)  1 year in Korea, and I should be in a much better financial position!

Okay, ta ta!

May 30th, 2012 update

Update-  LOTS going on… super busy.  Picked up a part-time job in addition to the full time work my roommate and I do together.  Now I am working in sales for a company, in sales for myself, and tarot reading and life coaching.  Next year I am for sure going to South Korea to teach English for 1 year.  Lots going on!  Working on figuring out why I have gained 10 lbs and why I can’t seem to lose it… doctor appointment in a couple of weeks.  Soooo much going on!  Will try and keep everyone posted.

My feelings about Ashley have not changed, and I have my mind made up, no matter what the age.  I don’t care if I am 80 years old, I will still ask her to marry me.  I know for a fact, with out a doubt, that she is the person that I want to be with.

Yes, I just know…

I have gained 10 lbs since Ashley moved out “officially” April 5th.  I chalk it up to not walking past her apartment anymore – that, and depression.  I am clearly depressed now that she is gone… I really had hopes for us.  Tonight I posted on my Facebook:  “I am 100% certain that you are the person I want to be with, and if you were here right now, I would, without a doubt, ask you to marry me, and I don’t think I would regret that decision. I am here when the time is right. Whatever form you come back in my life, I will be here, waiting.”

I really miss her… I also sent her a picture of the moon:

because it’s supposed to be a full moon tonight…  I honestly don’t even know whether or not she receives my messages.  People will probably think I am crazy, but then again, they probably also think that Noah in the Notebook was crazy.  I definitely share his mentality.

I am not one to give up when I know in my heart that something is right, and note I said “heart,” not my head.  Ashley is not somebody I think I want, I know in my heart that the relationship is right for me, and it’s a conviction.

I am certainly open to other relationships and am not closing myself off to the chance of love or loving another, but I know that Ashley and I could be happy together… fulfilled.  I have learned my lesson and learned from the mistakes of yesterday… 9 years ago.

Noah in the Notebook waited over 7 years for Allie… It has been 9 years, and I am still waiting on Ashley to return… the difference is that her and I have stayed in contact since we broke up.  She just hasn’t talked to me for a year and a half… she randomly cut me out of her life out of nowhere.

Anyway, I just wanted to express a little tonight.  I am going to go work out now on my favorite work out machine – the row machine :-)

Update on life – 5/3/12.

Hmm… what’s really new?  Not much… I just ordered a new Osprey Raptor 14 backpack.  I am going to see if I like it better than the Raptor 10.  Osprey’s backpacks are absolutely amazing.

I am still doing flea marketing, independent sales, tarot readings ,etc.  I have actually done very well with tarot readings.  I read for 5 people in one day at a yard sale last week and made $100 in readings alone and had an awesome time.

I had a yard sale today and got burnt bad.  I made $100 – no tarot readings.

Shipshawana sucked a few days ago, and I don’t want to go again, however, it was suggested to me that it picks up after Memorial Day, so we’ll try again.

I’m trying to get rid of everything I can right now and switch to vintage costume jewelry along with the tarot readings on the side because everything else is just getting to be too much… it’s too heavy, and it (a lot of it) is not really selling… I heard jewelry is a good place to start.

I bought a fixie (fixed gear bicycle) two weeks ago and couldn’t be happier – I love it!  People suggested not doing fixed gear right away, especially if you haven’t ridden a bicycle in as long as I have (10+ years), but I decided to dive right in, and I couldn’t be happier!

Hmm, what else… People in Indiana seem to be really close-minded… I have been having a difficult time getting close to others here, or rather, they have had a difficult time getting close to me.  I have honestly never experienced anything like it… I am sizing it up to conservative vs. liberal.  Indiana seems to be pretty damn conservative.

Hmm… what else… Ashley is still not talking to me.  I don’t even know whether or not she reads my blog or even looks at my profile.  Her boyfriend seems full of himself, or maybe that’s not the right word… he just doesn’t seem very intelligent honestly, and I think she can do better.

Hmm… I have stuff scattered everywhere… in my apartment, storage unit now, and at two of my retail booths.  Oh… the retail booths… are not working out.  They are not making any money at all, and I am not exaggerating.  Rent is $150, and I literally sold $150 worth of items, which means I actually lost money… ie, what I put into those products.  I will be pulling out of both booths by the end of May.

Yard sales have been a success… I have made $150 at each one I have hosted.  I have hosted on Fri, Sat, and Sunday’s.  Today I hosted and made $100.  Sunday’s suck… at least the last one did.  I think it may be because of church?  Just a speculation… Fri & Saturday’s are good.

Hmm… I will be going to the fair grounds to sell… people say it’s pretty good.  It’s the first Sunday of every month… should be interesting, although I do not know how I feel about being up at 6am.  I am not a morning person; I never have been, and I never will be.

What else is new?  I am still eating healthy…

I am thirsty right now actually.

I just wanted to update everyone on what’s been going on with my life…

Hmm, re-iteration of anything… ?  Just that I feel lonely and dissatisfied with my relations and affairs here in Lafayette, or the “Midwest,” rather.  Erin and I both have not been very happy in regards to our social attempts.  People are truly close-minded hear, fear-based, ignorant, and way too damn closed off.  I cried last night because it just got to me that a friend was so damn push/pull with me, and I just truly feel like it is the Midwest, because I haven’t experienced this elsewhere… not this bad.  Burlington was never this way, mark my word!

I am sad that Ashley has not yet come back into my life… but what can I expect?  I am still shocked that her and her mother moved out of the apartment complex they had been living in for over 15 years – blows my mind.

I want to write, ie: music, etc. but have not been inspired.  I am trying hard to follow-through with my daily goals.

I am thinking of selling aloe vera plants at my yard sale because I have literally had dozens of people interested in mine that I use with my tarot readings ;)

I am craving a smoothie right now with flax seed oil and/or protein powder.

I am tired and am going to go rejuvenate myself :)

April 17th, 2012 Ashley and her new lifestyle

So I am not sure whether to be angry or happy for Ashley.  I know that sounds horrible, but I am a bit shocked and mortified to see that her profile picture on facebook is now of her and a guy.  She’s been dating this guy for a while, at least for a few months, and it’s petty clear.  Worst of all, the guy dresses like me.  Literally, when I saw their pic yesterday as Ashley’s main profile pic, I had on the exact same shirt on as the guy, no exaggeration!  …a button up long sleeve shirt, with a white T underneath.

To make matters worse, when I clicked on his profile to find out a little more about who the magical guy is, there are pictures of them at OUR place!  …literally, “OUR” place – Mudlavia!  wtf?  Okay.  You know, she calls me a year ago and tells me how she met this other guy “just like me,” etc… I mean, “just” like and goes on and on obsessively, and how we’re “soooo similar,” and she “can’t get ‘over,’ it.”  Riiiight.

I am angry, and I am not going to worry about it much anymore.  If that’s the lifestyle she’s going to choose to lead, then she can lead it.  I don’t differeniate gender or let it confime me.  Erin brought up the fact that maybe she hasn’t told this guy that she’s been with woman… who knows… I doubt that, because Ashley is very open about everything, but who knows.  At any rate, I don’t define myself according to predisposited “gender” roles.

There really isn’t much else I can say other than the sickness in my stomach has gone away, and I literally feel angry and likely very shocked at what I see.  It is what it is… I haven’t felt this way in a while; I think the last time I felt like this was when Ashley was with Crystal, and I regretted having screwed up with her.

I have changed, 100%.  I know that I can make her happy.  I know that we can make each other happy – that is the furthest thing from her mind though, and I have to and will respect that.  I am honestly about to just try to “drop” all of this… I am so tired of it.  I am hurt and turned off right now. 

I think I am going to get ready and go for a bike ride on my new fixie.  I want to get my body in shape and build it strong.  I want to live a long life.  I have dreams and goals I have set for myself, and I plan to reach them.

“You took the words right out of my mouth” 100% percent.

Yup, it couldn’t be stated any clearer:


A: Why are we stopping?
Holden: ‘Cause I can’t take this.
A: Can’t take what?
Holden: I love you.
A: You love me?
“Holden: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t-I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship – no pun intended – but I had to say it, ’cause I’ve never felt this way before, and I-I don’t care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn’t allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I’ll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there’s a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just – you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can’t deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me, which – while I do appreciate it – I’d never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.”

Reflecting on experiences…

When I look at pictures of my life, I think about how much of my life she has missed out on…

College days

I also believe in a large element of fate… I think that things happen when you let them… when you surrender (I know, this sounds like an abstract idea) what’s supposed to happen happens.  Sometimes allowing yourself to let go of an outcome can be very difficult.  I think we all want to control things in our lives to a certain degree, some more than others; for me, it’s very hard to surrender, but when I do, it’s a beautiful thing…


Relationships… Commitment… Reflection…

I have a lot on my mind.  I don’t like posting my thoughts before I’ve had a chance to think about them… Typically I will journal (in my handwritten journal) first and then feel better about sharing on here.  I can’t seem to get the clarity on here via typing.

Anyway, so I’ve been thinking about relationships… about the relationships I have with others and about the relationship I have with myself.  Today the big topic was “Commitment.”  I had a long and drawn out conversation with a good friend about the topic.

I realized that a lot of my relationships with significant others have been immature and so there hasn’t ever been any sense of real “commitment” established.  Immature relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts aren’t really a good foundation for a solid relationship.  Anyway, there was one person, that despite my lack of maturity at the time, I had “commitment” with.  Ashley.

She would probably beg to differ, but I am now where she was.  At the time, when we dated, I made a stupid mistake.  I am now that person she needed me to be.  Anyway, I would have to say that that was when I most understood commitment, and sadly enough, that’s the only time I’ve ever physically been in a relationship where commitment has been demonstrated.

I have had other relationships – friendships, where there has been commitment, and there was certainly romantic attraction there… Off the top of my head, Syndee, Heike, Katherine… But I was never with these people because they were all somehow unavailable.  I must say that I now know what I want, and I know exactly what to look for.  Commitment  is related to respect.  There can’t be commitment without respect.

With that being said, all of these unhealthy, codependent relationships I’ve had lacked respect, which explains why there wasn’t any commitment.  That just goes to show how important “respect” is.  I think it’s something worth looking at.  The way you respect yourself (or don’t) and the way you respect others.  There seems to be a direct link.

I want to be in a relationship where respect is demonstrated.  It’s weird to think so many relationships I’ve been in have lacked it.  I wonder where I learned this from?  To date people who lack respect for themselves and others.  Where did I see this from?  I imagine I am imitating my father.  My father stayed by my mother’s side despite her lack of self-respect.  My mother, like many of the women I have dated, seemed to have issues where extramarital affairs are part of the picture.

I feel kind of guilty for splurging her business on a public forum, but it’s something to learn from.  My dad I guess didn’t have much respect for himself by staying with her.  With that being said, I don’t want to make that same mistake, and that is why I continuously, every day look at myself and where I’m at – where I’ve been.

I try to figure out where I’ve been and where I am now not to make the same mistake.  I know why I stay.  I also know where my heart stands.

I was talking to Heike (the good friend) about “circles” and how there are different levels of trust and they’re all directly related to respect.  I need that respect in order to be happy in life.  It’s a shame that I can’t attract a partner who demonstrates this because they are all taken.  It irritates me.

I know that eventually I will attract the partner who is supposed to be in my life.  I don’t want Ashley to snooze and lose.  That sounds horrible, but it’s true.  I can’t help it that she’s in denial right now.  Everyone knows it, but I can’t and shouldn’t have to wait around.  Yet, I do.  Yet I know there are others out there who will also demonstrate the same level of respect – whether or not they will ignite my passion, etc. is another story.  But still.  Time is ticking and time is truly of the essence.

I need to be clear and honest with myself and set and establish firm boundaries with others.  I have now been made aware of the reasons in which I stay, and I need to work on that.  I need to get myself out of this situation and clear this baggage to make room for the new.  Our past doesn’t stay with us if we’ve learned from our mistakes, and I mean truly learned.  As in, on a heart level… not head.

Anxiety and wonder

I am tense, and I have anxiety tonight, and I hate feeling this way.  It’s not often I feel like this.  I have a lot on my mind and a lot of inventory scattered all over the place that needs cataloged and put in storage.  Between having things on my mind and stuff scattered all over the place, I am all nerves.  So I just found out tonight that Ashley lives in Chicago – I heard it through the grapevine about a week ago and now have a pretty good suspicion.  I’m not sure how I feel about it… but I have a tightness in my chest.  I feel dis-ease.

I remember when I lived out in Burlington, Vermont and said I would “never” move back to Indiana… I honestly didn’t think I would.  But I did.  Many of my friends have said the same thing – that they’ll “never” move back to Indiana, but they do.  I am praying that Ashley will move back.  How else are we supposed to have a friendship afar?  I guess we did before…

Anyway, I saw a picture of her tonight online with a guy and it looked like she had an engagement ring on, and I think my heart sank into the earth.  I zoomed in on my computer (mac’s have that ability) only to find out that it was on her middle finger, which put my mind to ease.  Still, now I am wondering if it just didn’t fit on the ring finger?  Grr.  I don’t know, but I am sick to my stomach tonight and feel nerve-wrecked.  I am tired and have not gotten good sleep the past week because I’ve been doing inventory around the clock.

Anyway, I don’t really know what else to say and may delete this post later.  I just need to vent.  I don’t see how people can live their lives in denial.  They think they’re “over” the past yet it comes creeping up every single time and it’s not “over” yet.  Why run and hide?  I have changed so much and grown up, and I know that I am capable of being the person I needed to be in her life now.  I think I might organize some pictures now.  Tomorrow I want to work on getting things cataloged and put in storage.

Relatives with bipolar

All I want are healthy relationships… I feel like I am building a healthier relationship with myself.  The truth is however, I love someone who has bipolar.  Rather, I care for someone  who has bipolar.  I am concerned.  Bipolar runs in my partner’s family.  I think her mother may have it, too.  Speaking of “mother’s,” I think my mother might have it, too.  Or rather, my aunt.  “Technically,” she’s my aunt (I was adopted, and my biological mother and adoptive mother are sisters).

Anyway, Ashley’s mother was bipolar, too.  I’m being reminded of what Ashley went through right now, as I’m living here in the same apartment complex as Ash did and where her mother still coincidentally resides.  I am probably feeling the same, or similar feelings as Ash did when trying to deal with her mother.

I cannot describe the thoughts, feelings, and emotions – the experience (experience = perception and perception affects thoughts and actions) that run through your body when your loved one is acting out.  Erin went from being normal to enraged to sad and apathetic within a matter of 20 minutes.  She went from raging and shoving me and throwing a chair to crying at the same time to crying and profusely apologizing.

She has agreed that it’s time to get her medication changed.  Anyway, I wanted to add a lot more to this entry, but I am going to an auction tonight to get more stuff for the flea market.  I would like to have the time to process this later, as I think it’s very important to process events and experiences.

I guess I just wanted to say that I think I am growing and that I now believe I understand first-hand what Ash had gone through for years…

May 18th, 2011. Some sensible relational advice.

Emily’s formula: Honesty + Respect + Communication + Dependability + Commitment = TRUST.

Once trust is established, “I love you” can be warranted, but why on earth would you say “I love you” to someone you don’t yet trust unless you’re trying to make the relationship secure?
Note: ‘Security’ is NOT based off desires and expectations! — but rather, on an establishment (foundation) of TRUST.

Confused? Saying “But…” RE-READ this.  Let it sink in until you get it!

Simply put: Saying “I love you” does not make the relationship  “secure.”

“Is my relationship really secure,” you may be wondering? Ask yourself if you have established the above — 5 principles/conditions (“Standards”). If you are uncertain about what they mean, then define them for yourself, do some research, or join in on this discussion! ♥

May 18th, 2011. The beautiful [ugly] truth.

There isn’t much left in this “life” for me… I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true… every relationship that I have had with anyone has virtually failed.  This has been the year of hell for me in terms of relationships, as they’ve all been rough, and I have lost more “friends,” or potential friends than I can count.  I have been miserable.  I do believe in numerology, and it has been said that the number “11,” ie: 2011 often represents relationships and is associated with turbulence…

Things have never been smooth with Erin and I… from the very beginning she tried to control me.  Unfortunately, I let her.  I made the mistake of thinking I would never find another “safe” relationship and so I accommodated.  I had been in a highly abusive relationship prior to the relationship with Erin, and I was subconsciously afraid I would never find another “safe” person, and so I gave in… and I virtually lost myself.

I lost my friends (I chose to give them  up) and then later on (sadly) I lost friends that I did not choose to give up.  In all of this tribulation, I cannot help but think there is a greater “lesson.”  Perhaps the “relationship” I should be paying most attention to is the relationship with myself.  Why is it that I seem to think I can’t not be in a relationship?  What is it about a relationship I like?

I do know one thing… I am terribly afraid of rejection, ie: abandonment.  Meaning, I perceive rejection as a type — another abandonment.  I hate rejection.  I also hate when I am rejected, and I become furious — unfortunately, I take out that “fury” on myself.  ie, I believe that I was the cause of it, not “good enough,” etc. and self-pity and wallowing here they come!

At any rate, I’m sick and tired of my relationships not working out… I just want to be happy and more so fulfilled.  Fulfillment is very important to me.  I can’t even seem to get a job!  I have never had a problem finding a job, yet lately I have — “Is it Philadelphia,” I ask?  Is it because I’m not “ready” yet according to God or whoever is “up” there?  Have I not learned my “lesson” yet — or the lesson I am supposed to learn?  Am/are my eyes not open?  ie, am I missing opportunities?  Am I too caught up in something — someone else?

I am honestly sick and tired of relationships — they come and go and they can’t be trusted.  I used to trust everyone — perhaps that was my problem — now I trust virtually no one.  I am open and curious on the outside, yet there’s now always this inner doubt.  I always wonder, “Can I trust this person?”  — “Will he/she hurt me?”  “What are their intentions?”  I am always cross-examining everything — it’s exhausting.  It’s always that I’m too naive or too closed off, and usually the latter.

I want (am tempted) to sit here and say, “Well, I am just ‘surrounded’ by the right kind of ‘people,’ etc.”  But I must wonder, is it really the kind of people I’m not surrounded by?  What the hell is it, the magical “receipt” – ingredient, to make things work?  Am I in the wrong city?  We already know I was in the wrong relationship… and yes, I say “was” because miss unpredictable — hot and cold has once again sabotaged things.  So forth for trust.

Yeah, inconsistency and unreliability… so goes the game… I guess that was me with Ashley… yeah, don’t even say it… I know I’m “dwelling” on the past, but what else can a person do when the present sucks so bad?  …when the present is painful?  …yet she (my underdeveloped child-like self) am too afraid to move away?  I am a chicken who is resistant to change — well, change of this sort/nature.  I am afraid of this monstrous city and have let my fears get the best of me.  I should have stayed in Vermont.

Why can’t I just have friends around me who are supportive and understanding?  Maybe I am not ready for friends — maybe I am not ready for anyone and am just supposed to stay in this shit hole until I acquire the courage to move.  I am so confused right now, and can honestly say (I realized this tonight) I have never experienced love.  “Love” means so much to so many people — most of the time (I have realized) there are “strings” attached, ie: expectations.  It’s, for instance, I’ll love you “if…” ie, if you do this for me… right.   People (no one) should ever be made to do something.  People need to speak up for what they want.

If Erin was never happy maybe she should have told me.  Maybe she shouldn’t have tried to control me out of fear of separation, and maybe I shouldn’t have given into her.  Maybe I should have been strong enough and lived my own life, but she threatened to leave, and it played off my worst fears because I had just been in a horrible (no exaggeration) relationship.  So I caved.

We ventured… together… and she became in the finest sense “complacent.”  Oh, I hate that word — complacency… it destroys so many Americans minds.  I am probably complacent right now come to think about it… fear-driven… locked into this pattern, choosing to remain “stuck” because of the lack of ‘security’ I have on the other side, ie: financial, emotional, etc.  The only “security” I’ve ever had is nature really and Vermont… ie, its people.  Pardon me, nature was rather the only peace I ever had… Security in actuality is non-existent.  Shit can be taken away from you at any time — nothing is forever, ie: permanent.  Things change… people (heart’s) change… a house can lost to fire..

“Love” — it never stays the same.  Departures, quick romances, flicks, long-term disillusionment… what the fuck does it all mean?  I have developed a bitterness.  My heart is closing off, and I am hurting terribly.  I am doing what I can to survive, but it’s just that… survival.  No one is here to “save” me — I can only save myself, but how the hell am I supposed to do that, when, lets look at the reality of my situation, I have no steady income (Okay, wow, I have one paying coaching client right now — I guess I could still be grateful for that) and I’m living with my now ex-partner and have zero friends.

I have been trying to get out there and meet people and network, but apparently my connections suck… my life, quite simply, has been too wrapped up in trying to obtain the “love,” or rather, trust from a partner who destroyed it (integrity) a long time ago.  Yet I hung on because I took it personally?  I guess I never did (have) learned how to properly let go… your ears are my command and parade — have at it.  It is what it is.  “Be careful what you wish for,” all your dreams/worst nightmares come true — your prophecies.  You learn to read between the lines, but I will tell you right now, my life never should have been just that.

My eyes hurt — literally, from “reading between the lines.”  I want to see things literally and as they are, but I also supposed there’s been a great fear in that because I’m probably pussy chicken shit inside.  No one “taught” me how to “be” — No one taught me how to survive… how to experience… to just let things be… to happen naturally…. every woman I have been with has fucked me over… Enough with the victim-like mentality… I must have, for some reason or another, “chose” these women.

I want to choose me now, but I’m afraid to act.  To stand.  To Speak.  To Stand — Again, to Stand.  All my friends — and most of my family, has up and left — I am my own family, and I have to admit, it’s pretty damn lonely — and dark.  It’s better to speak and be in the dark.  I’m longing to connect, but am terrified now and feel like an alien.  An outsider.