March 12th, 2011. Bags, a way out, to leave this place.

While in my room today packing my backpack for a day out today, I thought to myself:

“This situation is not favorable and very unhealthy, and I have to find a way to pack my bags…”

I’m sitting right in this middle of this “shit.”  This is excess baggage, and I want out.  The truth is, I am too good for this, yet I am tolerating it.

I am allowing my past to dominate me, and I no longer want to let it control me.  Action needs to follow.  A plan needs to be developed.  I clearly need to rescue myself.

We teach others how to treat us.

This is not acceptable behavior and I need to learn to respect myself more and move myself into action.

February 22nd, 2011. There is hope.

Well, I haven’t quite made it off my bed yet and away from my computer.  I was in the midst of tying things up when Ashley responded to my text surprisingly, and I must say that I am left with tears in my eyes… I am literally crying right now… I am not sure exactly what I feel –grief sadness?  Relief?  I am upset and just want (need) a hug… I majorly need a hug and a vacation with someone who loves me and cares about me.  I started to honestly think that it was a long-lost dream with Ashley… her support… our friendship…

She said to me, “Emily your core issue that you can do it alone..but don’t believe that you can.” I couldn’t agree with her more, and I responded to her, “I am stuck right now in the grief… the emotions, and need a helping-hand –someone beautiful like yourself–  extroverted, friendly, warm… Who knows me and knows my capabilities, which you do, and which is why I need you… Your help.” I said, “I just want to listen to you, Ashley.. to open my heart to you.  I have been so very lonely and need a friend.”

I’m re-reading my text, and I feel pathetic.  I am glad that I’ve open myself up to her (it’s like opening a can of worms) yet I am embarrassed to a degree because I want to be somewhere I’m not, ie: further along, and I am very strong, yet I am not demonstrating that strength for whatever reason.  I see reminders of her everywhere I go… the movie “Chronicles of Narnia” reminds me of her… especially in the first one where Lucy meets the elf-looking animal.  He becomes Lucy’s best friend… that’s all I want, really, a best friend… friendships are far, few, and in-between… rare, and I realize that now, which is why I have held on for so long…

I always trip –stumble over my words when it comes to Ashley… even talking to her in the mall the other day… I always wonder, “Did I say too much; did I not say enough?” I just want something to evolve again, but in a completely different way… I want to build a friendship, slowly.  I cannot help but feel pathetic now like I should be stronger than this… than what I am.  I have always been strong.  I do not like appearing weak.  I hate.  I despise it.  I feel unattractive and ugly.  I feel scared.  My greatest fear is probably being hurt emotionally, which is what keeps me stuck.  It’s my Achilles’s heel.  I fall.

I wish that it would rain right now… I understand I am engaging in fantasy again, but I cannot help but think about this make-believe “best” friend, ie: Ashley, Wanda, Michael, etc. –someone with a good head on their shoulders and us playing in the rain… even, yes, adults can do this ;)  But honestly… just walking, talking, laughing… going to movies… sharing… I feel like I am in some glass bubble or something and it’s separating me from living… is that fear?  …lack of support?  Connections?

Enough with the analyzing, Ashley has reached out to me, and for that I am grateful.  She stated, “Well I work 5 am til 4pm everyday.. my time is limited and I go to bed early.  I will try giving u a call when I have time.” Hearing this makes me happy and proud (for her) –she is such a strong person.  Yet I hear it, and I think, “Oh, God, please don’t call me… I do not want to make a fool –idiot, of myself.”  Honestly, that is what I think… and I am afraid to talk to her!  I am afraid because of the above!  I do not want to make an ass out of myself and say the wrong thing and/or not say enough.  It is extremely difficult I am realizing for me to be with my feelings, and it takes time… they come and they go; they are not as readily accessible as they used to be, likely because of all the trauma I have endured…

At any rate, I can’t just pour my heart out to her like I want to if I’m not fully “there,” and yet in those moments that I am “there,” there is only awkwardness should I decide to “release” (so-to-speak) my tongue… ie, like I did with Wanda with my philosophically-oriented nature.  God forbid that I do that and come off awkward and (my worst fear) be abandoned, such was the case with Wanda.  God forbid, honestly… I mean, aren’t “friendships” supposed to be non-judgmental?  Aren’t we supposed to be allowed to make stupid remarks, do stupid things, etc. and not fear being left or cut off?  Honestly, rejection is one of my worst fears… the emotional and rejection… it all ties together.  I just want to be emotionally supported and I can prove steady reliability.

I am going to really try and go this time LOL.  Ashley is still responding to my texts so I may type again here soon to up-date, but I am honestly going to try and get off here and put on some music and shower, too.  Erin will be home in a little over an hour, and I just want to be alone with myself and my thoughts… When she gets home she will probably just want to chill out, and honestly, I will probably be in the mood to go out… that’s usually how it goes, but I don’t want to go out by myself, as I naturally enjoy and prefer going out with someone or in a small group.