Brendon Burchard – The Millionaire Messenger (Inspiration for my book)

An individual I had met online in Les Brown’s Facebook group sent me this book.  I am now using the book as a resource and inspiration for writing my first book.

The book builds three central arguments:

  • Your life story, your knowledge, and your message – what you know from experienceand want to share with the world – have greater importance and market value than you probably ever dreamed.My message:  To help others succeed by becoming their best selvesWhat I know from experience:  Techniques and methods to uncover, or for some, resurrect, your true self
  • You are here to make a difference in this world, and the best way to do that is to use your knowledge and experience (on any topic, in any industry) to help others succeed.  My knowledge and experience:  I want to help others succeed by becoming their best selves because I discovered my best self.  Note: I will be using the words “best,” “true,”  and “authentic” self interchangeably throughout my book.What is your theory?  My theory is… that once an individual loses touch with his/her true self, the individual can, through a series of steps, reclaim their true selves and be on a greater path of self-understanding and awareness, a path I call wholeness.  My strongly-held belief:  That we all deserve to live fulfilled livesI want to share with the world (ie, Brendon calls this one’s”message”) my own self-discovery process of discovering my true self and how others can benefit.My narrative will encompass:
    • This is where I came from
    • This is what I went through
    • What I learned
    • Where I am now
      I rediscovered my true self.  My story will both move you.  I am a Survivor and blessed with enormous gifts and talents.My message is that we can all discover who we truly are if we open our hearts and minds to the gift of receiving spiritual insight.My book explores the question we all, at some point or another, ask ourselves, “Who am I?” It digs deep and calls upon the reader to look at his/her life and the experiences he/she has had that make him who he/she is.The book deals with peeling the layers of the onion and challenging and questioning beliefs that we grew up with and the very notion of who we are – who we believe ourselves to be.
      Are we running away from ourselves?  Are we who we really think we are?  …who we say we are?  Or are we subconsciously living out the exceptions of others without even realizing it?

      You will now take an honest look at yourself:

      I believe in transparency.  In recognizing who we are and honoring ourselves.  Many of us are not even aware we are subconsciously living out the lives of others.

      This is about truth-telling:

      Are you who and what you say you are?

      How willing are you to find out who’s “life” you have been living and achieve a level of success for yourself that you never could have imagined…

      For the first time discovering who you are, at the core.

      When the layers are peeled…


The Truth

She’s not going to understand because she’s too caught up with herself.  I need to be much more selective about the people that I let into my life.  I need to stick to what I know is important and dependability is definitely one of them.  It’s about maturity.

It never changes…

Sometimes I feel sad and have to remind myself of my life purpose.  I am human and cannot deny my emotions.  To be cut off from loved ones hurts, and I don’t think you can really understand what that feels like until you’re in the shoes yourself.  Amongst all of the hard work, I still think of her… she’s in the back of my mind, and I can only wonder whether she thinks of me.  I see her from time to time, and she ignores me…. because?  She is running away from herself and her feelings, that which she knows to be true but hates the site of it because on some subconcious level she is afraid… of hurt…. of rejection.

That is some pain, to deny those you love, and honesty.  She’s killing herself.  Numb.  “Addicted.”  Not to any drug, but to self-denial.  It preludes.  And I am left to stand here…

I cannot walk away from something I know to be true, nor can I deny my feelings.  For the longest time I always knew her to be so “alive.”  Now, I don’t know where she stands, much less where we stand other than the wall she’s placed between us.  It boggles me.  I’m sure we’ve all felt this way – romantic heartbreak… at some point or another.. where the feelings that linger… and no matter what, they just don’t go away.  Friendship, closeness, and the liking.  Certain people in our lives stick with us day-to-day.  And that’s when I ask,

“What’s my purpose?”  I remind myself of why I am here, and it’s not to love you… my soul purpose is not to love you, but I want a friend… a kinship.  And yet she runs and she hides… this song coming to mind:

How long will she run and hide and seek out the approval of others?  And what about that journal, of hers, that I never saw… can she read mine?  Does she have any desire to?  Does she just write it off like she writes her own feelings off?  …lost?

I always stood by her, and I always stood up for her, as she stood up for me, and after all of these years I have never stopped caring for her.  We were so alike, two fiery redheads stubborn and as strong as can be.  Driven.  To succeed, to be the best.  To be honest – with ourselves.  To be role models.  And we were… but “did she die,” I ask?  Where am I?  Without her, I feel lost in some way…  like a part of me has died… I need that connection in my life.

And I just sit here, and I wonder if all of my words are in vain… to take away all the pain, I never drugged out.  I never have, nor have I desired to.  I stayed clean.  I am clean.  I always have been, and I always will be.  I guess I just have to trust the element of fate in my life a little more and surrender to “What’s meant to be, will be.”

“All we are” by One Republic

“All We Are”
by One Republic

I tried to paint you a picture, the colors were all wrong
Black and white didn’t fit you and all along,
You were shaded with patience, your strokes of everything
That I need just to make it, and I believe that…
Time can tear you apart
But it won’t break anything that you are, you are

We won’t say our goodbyes you know it’s better that way
We won’t break, we won’t die
It’s just a moment of change
All we are, all we are, is everything that’s right
All we need, all we need, a lover’s alibi

I walked a minute in your shoes, they never would’ve fit
I figured there’s nothing to lose,
I need to get some perspective on these words before I write them down
You’re an island and my ship has run aground
Lord knows I’ll fail you time and again,
But you and me we’re alright

We won’t say our goodbyes you know its better that way
We won’t break, we won’t die
It’s just a moment of change
All we are, all we are, is everything that’s right
All we need all we need, a lover’s alibi

Every single day that I can breathe, you change my philosophy
I’m never gonna let you pass me by
So don’t say your goodbyes you know its better that way
We won’t break, we won’t die
It’s just a moment of change

All we are, all we are, is everything that’s right
All we need, all we need, a lover’s alibi

So don’t say our goodbyes you know its better
We won’t break, we won’t die


The “deep” stuff I probably shouldn’t post on here because it might scare some people away who are less in touch with their feelings…

“Our time apart, like knives in my heart…” -Nickelback

Thought to self:  If you didn’t deny (suppress, and repress) your feelings, you’d feel the same way…

I should probably just shut up before I push you away further, from your own feelings.  You’re – she’s “e strangulated.”

Have you ever loved or cared for someone who didn’t completely love themselves? … who’s life depended upon external validation, and who, when scared, would deny and suppress the very most sacred thing – one’s very essence?

I cannot make her feel… I cannot make her recognize herself.  I cannot make her see the beauty that she has inside.  I know on the outside she appears as though she has it all, but inside she thinks completely the opposite.  Why would she trust me when I hurt her?  Despite the fact that it was long ego, that doesn’t make any difference in her mind and heart.  The fact that I have changed does not register with her because she is still stuck in a world of suspended feelings.

I sit here, and I say, “I want to go back to that time,” only in present day, and if given the chance, I would… “When a voice from behind me…” -Nickelback

“That was fighting back tears…”  Nickelback.

I think that we all want to be happy.  She does not think that she can be happy with me.  Why?  Because I hurt her so very long ago… the biggest mistake of my life and the experience that changed me indefinitely.  And yet, she has not let go of this despite the fact that she will say otherwise, but “Actions speak louder than words” and “Talk is cheap,” and I can see what’s beneath the surface.

We run and hide because we’re scared, but you can’t continue to run away from love with out denying yourself the very essence of life, which leads me to say, “Are you who they want you to be,” or “Are you yourself?”  Who are you?  Do you run with those who don’t mirror you, those who invalidate you?  …those whose attention you want, who will never see the true “you?”  How long will you continue to run and hide?

I can’t be someone I’m not.  You move forward, yet you deny and pretend not to see the very thing that always saw through you.

“Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey

Just a small town girl
Livin’ in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin’ anywhere

Just a city boy
Born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin’ anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin’ anything to roll the dice just one more time

Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Don’t stop believin’
Hold on to that feelin’
Streetlight people

Don’t stop believin’
Hold on
Streetlight people

Don’t stop believin’
Hold on to that feelin’
Streetlight people

And perhaps from my small perspective, it looks like this.  This guy could be me singing this:

April 30th, 2011. An example of drama. What ever happened to simplicity, or rather, compassion, understanding, and responsibility? Balance is non-existant. Rigid thinking and households.

An example of drama… Note:  I hate drama.

Person A lives in this house with person B who has a dog.  Person B works all day (9:30 a.m. – 8:15pm) and leaves dog with person A.  There is not a formal agreement between person A and B regarding the care of the dog.  Person B (his/her philosophy is the following) would keep dog in cage all day (they do not see a problem with it) but the responsibility so-to-speak (informal/unspoken “agreement”) falls on person A to keep the dog out of the cage and to care for the dog, ie: watch, let out to use the bathroom, etc.  Why?  Because:  Person A does not agree with keeping the dog caged for 11 hours and has sort of “agreed” (informal/unspoken) to take care of the dog so the dog doesn’t have to be caged.  Basically the responsibility has fallen back on person A because person A is concerned for the dog’s welfare.

Issue:  Value conflict — Person A does not believe in caging an animal; Person B sees no problem with it.  Note:  There may be gray area —

One day person A was going to leave the house to actually meet up with person B and forgot to put the dog in its cage before he/she left.  Both people came home later that evening to see the dog has chewed the remote control to the tv — who’s fault is it?  Is it person A who forgot to put the dog in the cage, or does it fall back on person B because they’re the dog owner and owning a dog comes with a responsibility.  Note/Remember:  Person A is not formally “hired,” or in any way responsible for the dog.  Furthermore, even if they were, ie: formally hired, etc. and they made a mistake, is it accept to react and blow up?  See below.

Person B yelled at person A the following day in front of company!  A and B had company over and person B discovered that the remote did not work and started yelling at A. The yelling went on for 20 minutes until the company walked out the door.  Person B rationalized it (person A’s observation) because the guest was “family,” ie: a cousin.  Nevertheless, person B — a day later, started yelling at person A once he/she discovered the remote was not only chewed, but it no longer worked.

Person A was confused and embarrassed that person B would yell at her in front of someone, much less yell at her at all because accidents happen.  Furthermore, person A is not responsible for the dog.  Person A stated to person B: “Accidents happen,” and also felt person B, as a dog owner comes a responsibility, ie: if the dog chews something, it is the owners responsibility to pay for it.

*Even if there was a formal agreement between person A and B regarding the care of the dog, if a mistake happened, it would be unrealistic to make person A pay for the mistake!  (Person B was wanting person A to pay for the mistake and was yelling).  Why?  Because mistakes happen and “perfection” does not exist.  It is unrealistic (unrealistic expectations) to think that because one forgot something, had an accident, etc. made a mistake in such a context that they should have to pay for it.  Be mindful also that person A is not responsible for this dog — there is not an agreement period.

Person B (third component) is worried (feels more pressure) because person B’s father is going to yell at him/her.  Person B believe they will have to “take the heat” (quote) themselves.  Person A affirmed the father may (likely, “the past is a predictor for the future”) yell, yes, but there isn’t anything either of us can do about his reaction.  The reaction of the father cannot be controlled.  Person B continued to go on and on about the anticipating reaction from the father.  There was much fear.  Person A believed the fear fueled the anger in person B but that’s irrelevant.  Person A was getting shot down (ie, with words, temper, unreasonable expectations, etc) because of person B’s fear and inability to see the situation clearly.

So you have person A, B, and now C added to the mix.  Person A sees things this way:

If a dog should enter a premise — any premise, then it is the responsibility of its owner to take full responsibility for the dog, ie: paying for damages, etc. that might occur as a result of the dog’s actions.

If a maid was hired to take care of the dog and the made forgot to do something by accident and the dog had an accident, ie: chewing the remote, the maid would not be expected to pay for the remote.  Accidents happen.  Flexibility and understanding are a must when you are a pet owner.  It is and can be expected that things will happen when you own a pet!  Person C (The father) gets livid and yells and curses and threatens when things happen — normal things, ie: accidents, chews, etc.  Person C should not have agreed to allow person B to have a dog if it was going to be a problem, or rather, Person C should respect the fact that person B is paying rent and is his/her own separate person and should not be yelling at person B at all.

There is too much enmeshment and unhealthyness in this situation.  Lets keep it (this drama) real simple:

If a dog should enter a premise — any premise, then it is the responsibility of its owner to take full responsibility for the dog, ie: paying for damages, etc. that might occur as a result of the dog’s actions.

March 3rd, 2011. Boundaries. Clashes. Values.

It’s time that I put up boundaries with Erin because I am not about to be fooled again.  I feel like I am getting played, and I have felt this way off and on for months now; realistically, a couple of yearsShame on me for not walking away. Denial is what brings me right “back” again, into the loop… the vicious cycle.  She is bulshit.  Everything about her.  I hate her and how she lies through her teeth.  She gets off on deceiving people.  She even deceives herself.  The problem is I get caught up every time and give in.  I call her a push over, and most of the time she is, yet I am a push over for not walking away.  I guess I am scared to.  My heart is too intertwined.  I hate it.

Every time I gain some momentum she pulls me back again with her sweetness… she gets physically close to me and it causes me to “believe” things have changed.  Wrong.

I am only fooling and deceiving myself.  She is still the same cruel, heartless, distant, cold, insensitive, selfish, and calculating person she is.  My poem reads, “There isn’t any ‘love’ in goodbye,” which indicates how hard (difficult) it has been for me to walk away from unhealthy attachments.

I guess the messages that we learn in childhood can either keep us imprisoned or we can break out of them somehow.

How do we free ourselves?  What is the ‘glue’ that holds us together?  If denial then denial of what?  Where is this ‘landmine’ I have stepped on, if such an invisible barrier?  How can I learn to recognize it?  The red

flags?  Those things that we are supposed to keep our eyes wide-open to?  See, I saw them, but I was so used to them from my mother and previous relationships that I overlooked them, passing them off as something I “haven’t already handled.” The fact is, she became too good at her game, and unfortunately I lost mine.  Now I am stuck in a battle — a no-win situation, and I have clearly lost.  Myself.

I am ready and desiring to reclaim myself.  First comes the boundaries:

So when she comes at me and wants to tear down my walls:

What do I do?  Do I just stand there?  Take it?  The solution would be to walk away, but “how” I ask, do you walk away from the only thing (false love, ie: narcissistic love) you’ve ever known?  And when real love should present itself, how do you trust it?  If trust is shattered and you have been stripped of your dignity, then how can you trust again?  …how can you even trust yourself when your natural instinct has been deceived?

I want to hang Erin against a wall… what I mean by this is I want to see her held accountable for her actions, as I am so tired of her getting herself off the hook and sweet talking herself out of everything, including her stupid accident which was near-death and drug/substance-induced which she nearly killed someone and was able to talk her way out of getting alcohol/drug tested by the on-scene police officer!  I am angry at her for her “I’ll do ‘whatever I want, ‘when’ I want attitude” at the expense of others.  She’s a fucking antisocial (sociopath) woman.  I do not trust her for the life of me and nobody should because she’s hype and glee one day and a cruel, calculated witch the next.

I am sick and tired of this shit, and I am once again “packing my bags,” both figuratively and literally.  I have stuff all over my room right now sorted into different containers once again trying to figure out what I “need” and don’t need.  I do not trust my stability/security, ie: Erin and Rick’s home.  I do not trust Erin — as we have already established.

“Kicked around,” “Played with,” “Punched,” “Lied to,” “Deceived” — You name it, I have been.  It has happened to me.  I am sick and tired of it and am trying to develop standards for myself so that I can get the hell out of here.  I must admit having a car will make it a lot easier!  I am going to try my best not to lose my car and hope to God that my funds are not as low as I anticipated.  I am going to honestly, somehow have to “pull up my bootstraps” and fly.  I cannot wait-stay here; it is not healthy for me.  We have known (already established) this, yet I am pretty thick-sculled because my heart is hurting so bad that I don’t want to face the grief (another loss added to the many others that I have had trouble grieving) to deal with.

Apparently I have a hard time with grief, and maybe I choose to become locked into these patterns to avoid having to face it.  The harsh reality is I am going to have to face it because there will soon come a point where I am on my own officially.  Honestly, a part of me wants to be on my own, as scary and frightening as that might seem… It’s a challenge for sure; however, being/living in Philly is not a challenge… it is downright scary.  There isn’t any “challenge” in an area that is unsafe, as I have zero interest in living in an area that is unsafe.

I am interested in living in an area where I can grow and reach and aspire to be my best.  I do not want to have to worry about my back, which I feel like in Philly you can’t do anything but that, and it doesn’t help that that is the impression Erin feeds me daily.  I do not want to have to live my life that way… To be quite honest, if it wasn’t for Erin I would not even be in Philadelphia.  I came here namely for the relationship… to continue it because I wanted things to be okay… and I believed her when she said that all she needed was her “family” and that everything would be “alright.”  Wrong.  It got worse.

I took the bait.  At any rate, I choose on some level, whether subconsciously or consciously, to come to Philly.  Some part of me chose — maybe the underdeveloped part of myself that longs for a “family.”  The sad fact is, “family” to me is not the kind of family I want in my life… it’s narcissistic.  I don’t want narcissistic “love” in my life.  I want real love, and it starts with myself… so the reality is I have to get away from here.  I need to leave.  This place doesn’t do me any good, and it’s only hurting me (worse) being here.  It’s only reinforcing the false internalized belief that I am not loveable or respectable or worthy.

I can’t determine my worth anymore in the eyes of others… not in those who are unworthy of my love, time, attention, and respect.  I cannot allow myself to be walked on.  Thus, I need to put up boundaries; it is absolutely necessary for my health and survival.  I need to start now.  As hard as it might seem/be, I need to, because I cannot continue to live a lie and live a life that does not serve (enrich) me.  I am wasting precious, valuable opportunities… I cannot let a thief bring me down… I cannot let him/her rob me of my soul.  Life is a precious jewel, and I want to treat it that way.  I will not short-change myself.