May 18th, 2011. The beautiful [ugly] truth.

There isn’t much left in this “life” for me… I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true… every relationship that I have had with anyone has virtually failed.  This has been the year of hell for me in terms of relationships, as they’ve all been rough, and I have lost more “friends,” or potential friends than I can count.  I have been miserable.  I do believe in numerology, and it has been said that the number “11,” ie: 2011 often represents relationships and is associated with turbulence…

Things have never been smooth with Erin and I… from the very beginning she tried to control me.  Unfortunately, I let her.  I made the mistake of thinking I would never find another “safe” relationship and so I accommodated.  I had been in a highly abusive relationship prior to the relationship with Erin, and I was subconsciously afraid I would never find another “safe” person, and so I gave in… and I virtually lost myself.

I lost my friends (I chose to give them  up) and then later on (sadly) I lost friends that I did not choose to give up.  In all of this tribulation, I cannot help but think there is a greater “lesson.”  Perhaps the “relationship” I should be paying most attention to is the relationship with myself.  Why is it that I seem to think I can’t not be in a relationship?  What is it about a relationship I like?

I do know one thing… I am terribly afraid of rejection, ie: abandonment.  Meaning, I perceive rejection as a type — another abandonment.  I hate rejection.  I also hate when I am rejected, and I become furious — unfortunately, I take out that “fury” on myself.  ie, I believe that I was the cause of it, not “good enough,” etc. and self-pity and wallowing here they come!

At any rate, I’m sick and tired of my relationships not working out… I just want to be happy and more so fulfilled.  Fulfillment is very important to me.  I can’t even seem to get a job!  I have never had a problem finding a job, yet lately I have — “Is it Philadelphia,” I ask?  Is it because I’m not “ready” yet according to God or whoever is “up” there?  Have I not learned my “lesson” yet — or the lesson I am supposed to learn?  Am/are my eyes not open?  ie, am I missing opportunities?  Am I too caught up in something — someone else?

I am honestly sick and tired of relationships — they come and go and they can’t be trusted.  I used to trust everyone — perhaps that was my problem — now I trust virtually no one.  I am open and curious on the outside, yet there’s now always this inner doubt.  I always wonder, “Can I trust this person?”  — “Will he/she hurt me?”  “What are their intentions?”  I am always cross-examining everything — it’s exhausting.  It’s always that I’m too naive or too closed off, and usually the latter.

I want (am tempted) to sit here and say, “Well, I am just ‘surrounded’ by the right kind of ‘people,’ etc.”  But I must wonder, is it really the kind of people I’m not surrounded by?  What the hell is it, the magical “receipt” – ingredient, to make things work?  Am I in the wrong city?  We already know I was in the wrong relationship… and yes, I say “was” because miss unpredictable — hot and cold has once again sabotaged things.  So forth for trust.

Yeah, inconsistency and unreliability… so goes the game… I guess that was me with Ashley… yeah, don’t even say it… I know I’m “dwelling” on the past, but what else can a person do when the present sucks so bad?  …when the present is painful?  …yet she (my underdeveloped child-like self) am too afraid to move away?  I am a chicken who is resistant to change — well, change of this sort/nature.  I am afraid of this monstrous city and have let my fears get the best of me.  I should have stayed in Vermont.

Why can’t I just have friends around me who are supportive and understanding?  Maybe I am not ready for friends — maybe I am not ready for anyone and am just supposed to stay in this shit hole until I acquire the courage to move.  I am so confused right now, and can honestly say (I realized this tonight) I have never experienced love.  “Love” means so much to so many people — most of the time (I have realized) there are “strings” attached, ie: expectations.  It’s, for instance, I’ll love you “if…” ie, if you do this for me… right.   People (no one) should ever be made to do something.  People need to speak up for what they want.

If Erin was never happy maybe she should have told me.  Maybe she shouldn’t have tried to control me out of fear of separation, and maybe I shouldn’t have given into her.  Maybe I should have been strong enough and lived my own life, but she threatened to leave, and it played off my worst fears because I had just been in a horrible (no exaggeration) relationship.  So I caved.

We ventured… together… and she became in the finest sense “complacent.”  Oh, I hate that word — complacency… it destroys so many Americans minds.  I am probably complacent right now come to think about it… fear-driven… locked into this pattern, choosing to remain “stuck” because of the lack of ‘security’ I have on the other side, ie: financial, emotional, etc.  The only “security” I’ve ever had is nature really and Vermont… ie, its people.  Pardon me, nature was rather the only peace I ever had… Security in actuality is non-existent.  Shit can be taken away from you at any time — nothing is forever, ie: permanent.  Things change… people (heart’s) change… a house can lost to fire..

“Love” — it never stays the same.  Departures, quick romances, flicks, long-term disillusionment… what the fuck does it all mean?  I have developed a bitterness.  My heart is closing off, and I am hurting terribly.  I am doing what I can to survive, but it’s just that… survival.  No one is here to “save” me — I can only save myself, but how the hell am I supposed to do that, when, lets look at the reality of my situation, I have no steady income (Okay, wow, I have one paying coaching client right now — I guess I could still be grateful for that) and I’m living with my now ex-partner and have zero friends.

I have been trying to get out there and meet people and network, but apparently my connections suck… my life, quite simply, has been too wrapped up in trying to obtain the “love,” or rather, trust from a partner who destroyed it (integrity) a long time ago.  Yet I hung on because I took it personally?  I guess I never did (have) learned how to properly let go… your ears are my command and parade — have at it.  It is what it is.  “Be careful what you wish for,” all your dreams/worst nightmares come true — your prophecies.  You learn to read between the lines, but I will tell you right now, my life never should have been just that.

My eyes hurt — literally, from “reading between the lines.”  I want to see things literally and as they are, but I also supposed there’s been a great fear in that because I’m probably pussy chicken shit inside.  No one “taught” me how to “be” — No one taught me how to survive… how to experience… to just let things be… to happen naturally…. every woman I have been with has fucked me over… Enough with the victim-like mentality… I must have, for some reason or another, “chose” these women.

I want to choose me now, but I’m afraid to act.  To stand.  To Speak.  To Stand — Again, to Stand.  All my friends — and most of my family, has up and left — I am my own family, and I have to admit, it’s pretty damn lonely — and dark.  It’s better to speak and be in the dark.  I’m longing to connect, but am terrified now and feel like an alien.  An outsider.