I think when things are too stressful we look outside ourselves for fulfillment. For me, I tend to not engage in the act of cheating, but I will fantasize about greener pastures. In other words, when I am unhappy I escape into my imagination, and I am not referring to sexual fantasies or anything explicit, but just simply being in another place –a happier place. For instance, the previous entry with the video on Christmas was a lonely and excruciating event/place emotionally for me.
I was with Erin and we were fighting and as always I was met with harshness, coldness, and indifference, and it was Christmas — the whole situation just seemed unreal. It seemed unreal yet it didn’t because I thought to myself, “I’ve endured this now for, what, years? It should not come as a surprise.” But of course there’s always that idealistic thinking, “Things could, or will be, ‘different’ this year.” It’s magical, illusionary thinking. It was Christmas, and we didn’t even have a tree… the spirit was devoid. It was non-existent. At any rate, the “Another lonely Christmas” song by Prince came on and temporarily made everything “better” because it took me to a place where I was happier… it reminded me of Ashley, and then my old friends… and life…
Of course those times have passed, but I cannot help but think and retain the hope (ideal, belief) that one day things can be just as good, if not better, than they were before. If it takes until the day I die, until my very last breath, I will retain the idea that things can be better, and I will continually strive and work towards that. I am not about to give up on my “dream” of having a better life. I just won’t. I will take the risks, and I will fall from time-to-time, but I will always pick myself back up with the help of God (HP), and I will survive. I see myself and the human race as resilient. I believe we are capable of healing and stretching ourselves, mentally, physically, spiritually. I believe that humans are made to shine and to help and empower one another. That we are meant to be one “big family.”
I don’t like to see people left out, and yet strangely enough, I myself am left out… it’s funny that what I want I don’t have, yet it is that very sense of lack (missing piece) that keeps me striving. I am determined to move forward with great strides and am tenacious. I love deeply and am a strong person, and I will retain that belief of myself no matter how many times I’m knocked down. I know that God (HP) is testing me and my faith. I will try my best to open up my ears and my heart, and more importantly, my eyes, and seize an opportunity to accept a blessing should it present itself. I know that I will be okay with the help of my HP on my side.
I just wanted to document my awareness of my tendency to fantasize to relieve stress/pressure. I also wanted to say that I notice my idealistic tendencies now more than ever in this past entry. Additionally, I am retaining the hopeful view that there is work out there for us idealists and a place for us. After all, President Barrack Obama is an idealist!