Yes, I just know…


I have gained 10 lbs since Ashley moved out “officially” April 5th.  I chalk it up to not walking past her apartment anymore – that, and depression.  I am clearly depressed now that she is gone… I really had hopes for us.  Tonight I posted on my Facebook:  “I am 100% certain that you are the person I want to be with, and if you were here right now, I would, without a doubt, ask you to marry me, and I don’t think I would regret that decision. I am here when the time is right. Whatever form you come back in my life, I will be here, waiting.”

I really miss her… I also sent her a picture of the moon:

because it’s supposed to be a full moon tonight…  I honestly don’t even know whether or not she receives my messages.  People will probably think I am crazy, but then again, they probably also think that Noah in the Notebook was crazy.  I definitely share his mentality.

I am not one to give up when I know in my heart that something is right, and note I said “heart,” not my head.  Ashley is not somebody I think I want, I know in my heart that the relationship is right for me, and it’s a conviction.

I am certainly open to other relationships and am not closing myself off to the chance of love or loving another, but I know that Ashley and I could be happy together… fulfilled.  I have learned my lesson and learned from the mistakes of yesterday… 9 years ago.

Noah in the Notebook waited over 7 years for Allie… It has been 9 years, and I am still waiting on Ashley to return… the difference is that her and I have stayed in contact since we broke up.  She just hasn’t talked to me for a year and a half… she randomly cut me out of her life out of nowhere.

Anyway, I just wanted to express a little tonight.  I am going to go work out now on my favorite work out machine – the row machine :-)

April 27th, 2011. Innocence and purity.


Why is it that innocence dissipates as people grow older?  I cannot tell you how often I witness this… where relationships are tainted… they’re full of comparisons, expectations, demands, etc.  Every GLBTQ (queer) event I go to everyone has “been” with everyone and everyone is talking dirty… I hate it.  I honestly wonder if the innocence exists anymore, anywhere?

I dream of a love where it is like brand new… where, yes, we’ve had past lovers, but those relationships are no longer baggage for us — where the ego has been removed and exists something spiritual — where comparisons are non-existent and we are just in the moment, together, fully surrendered.  I know I am not “dreaming.”  I know this is possible because I am this way… in that I have retained the innocence…

Perhaps I am being vague… It’s hard to describe, and I may not be able to until I have been out more and experienced more, yet being out more just seeks to disappoint me as I witness more of it.  I do not even relate to the gay community.  Not here anyway… much less in Indianapolis, the closest city to where I grew up, etc.  I think I am a different kind of “gay” person.  I don’t have that crude rawness.  I am not into joking about how many bitches I’ve “banged,” strip clubs I’ve gone to (none by the way), etc.

The “innocence” I am describing is more than just this… I cannot articulate it at the moment.  The best advice I can give is to google “Tarot card 17 the Star” — that is my card.  Here is a description of it:

Star – Tarot Card Meaning:

The star represents the confidence of youth. The young girl is innocent in life, full of hope and inspiration. She is in anticipation of what will be. Want to find (or regain) a sense of meaning, inspiration, or purpose to your life and hope your future will be better than your past. It’s the call of destiny that motivates you or compels you to go on. Your desire is NOT in vain, and that which you are yearning for will ultimately find fulfilment.

Courage, hope, and inspiration are in your life. Great love will be given and received. Wisdom, spiritual enlightenment, progress toward goals and knowing what these goals are.

-Biddy Tarot.

Basically it’s about pureness… renewal… innocence… looking at things with an open-ended curiosity and freshnessI long to have this connection with someone… and I must say that it’s rare.  ie, selflessness, honesty… truth.  Revealingness.  Vulnerability.  Willingness — These are things I would die for… to have.  I often speak in my poems of missing the “life” I never had.  “Too many years wasted” — it’s a shame.  My [trust] has been broken, and I need to surrender to something — perhaps spirit?  My tendency is to surrender to another and then I am devastated.

Trust is rare and is a precious gift… it should not be underestimated.  I want to meet other beautiful, innocent souls like myself — people who care, people who are genuine.  I miss that freedom.  My ex Jen, despite all of our troubles and ups and downs with her alcohol issues, had this innocence I speak of… it was young and pure… a natural curiosity about the world and an untainted body.  We shared a connection that no one could take away or defy.  When she was not drinking and we were “connected” it was there.  I could feel her.  She was open, open to learning and experiencing, to life.

Erin is closed off.  I am now closed off.  I try to open up, but inside I feel like a shriveled up grapeThe spark, the inspirational — all has died.  I don’t write as much anymore, I don’t do photography… or make art like I used to, or listen to music the way I used to… I don’t even go to concerts.  I don’t enjoy parks.  I am depressed and lonely.  I am disconnected from my, the spiritual source — the very thing that feeds and nourishes a soul/spirit.

I will end with saying, there isn’t any truth in a lieMust we die twice before we’re officially dead?  And only then can we be resurrected, “born again?”  Faith, my card — The Star.  May she rebirth…

March 24th, 2011. The Vision — Will Carry Me.


People can think whatever they want about me, but the prejudice and adversity just causes me to prevail.  In other words, minus my health, I am not very discouraged by adversity and tribulation.  In fact, I consider myself to be resilient.  For the most part, I can easily bounce back from disappointments.

The vision I hold for myself is what fuels me. 

I believe that when the time is right I will go at it full-fledged.  I know that I have what it takes inside to accomplish anything I desire to achieve, but I also do believe in a certain element of fate, and accordingly, I believe that there is a time and place for certain things.  I am trying right now to heal carefully and not push my body beyond its physical limitations at any given moment, lest my chances of living a healthy, vital life are compromised.

Some — a small number of people that I have spoken with believe that I am living in a “fantasy” world with my vision and need to get “out” there.  I have tried to explain to them that the system/structure must be set in motion before I can proceed to carry out my plan.  I understand that the structure I create will not be flawless, as I do not believe in the idea of “perfection,” and I acknowledge that it will need adjustments, and I am aware of this; however, I am trying my best to devise it to the best of my ability before attempting to execute it.

Martin Luther King lead by Vision, and he has, for the longest time, been a role model of mine.  He has character and morals similar to my own.  Granted, I am much younger than him and also from a different time era, but we share similar values.  At any rate, we both shared an embodied vision of our future and both share a single-minded, determination in carrying out that vision.

I will work until my very last breath to fulfill this vision, for not ever having had it in my life accompanied by a spiritual nature is what drives me and fuels the fire.  I have a larger vision for myself and my family.  I am a simple person with simple needs and an intensely rich inner life.  I am interested in only the simplest but the richest ways of  living, from filling my body with nourishing, wholesome fruits and vegetables to getting adequate, quality sleep to meditating and exercising.

LIVING, BREATHING, WALKING, INSPIRING, CREATING

PURPOSE

Life, fire, water, air, and earth.  I need little in life but the basics and a few close friends.  My priorites are definitely being defined, and I am being shaped every minute.  I am interested in what’s important, not in maintain a superficial, artificial life.  I will harness my energies and prepare to release these energies adequately.  Once I have completely defined what I want I will simplify it, taking something very complicated and watering it down, but nevertheless not losing its quality or rich “nutrients.”

There is life that lives inside of me.  There is hope.  There is strength.  There is beauty.  I am interested in restoring faith — focusing on the big picture.  My primary motive is not money – a product of the ego that gets the best of so many individuals.
I am interested in maintaining and developing relationships — bridging the gap between the hearts of others and making peace.  I am a pacifist at heart.  Integrity is my God and honesty my strength.  I am interested in preservation– preserving the roots of community – immediate family and extended loved ones.