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June 7th, 2011. The Contemplation of Death. Existential Matters.


You know, something we don’t think about often is death.  I keep getting the “10 of swords” and “5 of pentacles” is nearly all of my tarot readings.  Tarot plays off ones subconscious and works via quantum physics similar to the law of attraction.  The cards are not “evil” as some religious folks might believe – they are impressions in image-form.  In other words, we think certain things and have a subconscious and the images reflect this subconscious domain.

Both of these cards are dis-favorable cards, and I have drawn them more times than I can count.  The reality is my health is not in good shape and is compromised.  My ear-node pain is getting worse.  I have it in both ears, although the right side (also where my asymmetrical tonsil is located) is worse, and it gets so bad sometimes that it radiates to my upper jaw, causing a headache in back and front and then finally neck and shoulder pain.  The ear-node pain is worse when I am stressed out and cold air makes it worse, however, the pain comes and goes at any time.

All other symptoms, ie: hair loss, joint pain in hand/fingers, weight gain (and loss), fatigue (extreme), dry/red/bloodshot eyes, hot/cold flashes, occasional night sweats, etc. are so trivial compared to the ear-node pain, which on a 1-5 scale is about a 4 most of the time, sometimes hitting a 3 and other times a whopping 5.  I am too young to be having these kinds of issues.  Whatever I have going on — this “viral” illness that I came down with either in August of 2008 or Fall of 2007 (I became extremely sick both times) has caused my thyroid to stop working and one thing after another (in my body) to shut down.

At any rate, I am concerned, and I am now thinking about what would happen if I died… ie, if what I have going on is serious, ie: cancer, a tumor, etc.  The cards that have continually popped out are standing out.  “Cards” aside, I have a health issue that is progressively getting worse and nobody knows what it is.  One agency — IGENIX — a top lyme-testing lab in Palo Alto, CA, has diagnosed me with chronic lyme disease and yet the CDC (Center for Disease Control), which we all know has too “low” standards, states that I only meet 3 out of 5 criteria for lyme and so I would technically not have it.  This in and of itself is a huge controversy within the lyme community.

Needless to say, I am thinking about existential matters.  On my way home tonight from NJ after having ran errands and bought groceries I pondered, “What are the 12 things I would like to do before I die?”  ie, if you found out you had 6 months to live, what would you do?  So it has me thinking… and I know that sounds depressing, but lets be prepared for the worst-case scenario.  What do I really have here?  My things — they mean nothing; they will parish when I do.  “What matters to me?”  Death really makes you contemplate.

I cannot help but wonder how many people have had near-death experiences that have changed their lives.  Will I have one?  I can’t tell you how many psychics I’ve been to — trusted ones (my family used to go to one — Ms. Nancy Bowman) who have told me I will have a “cancer” scare — and “scare” or not, that may involve surgery, death, etc.  At any rate, it makes you think — “What is ‘life’ (this thing I have not even begun to fully experience) all about?”  “What will/would I like to do if I was going to die in 6 months and knew it?”  “What things would (will) I have experienced?”

My first thought, or one of my first thoughts was “I wish I had money (I don’t have any savings or inheritance, what can I say?) I would give it to Ashley and to Jen’s little brother, Jessy.”  I say this not because I think money has worth, but because I believe that it can get people somewhere — it can provide opportunity.  I want to see little Jessy go to college; I have desired that from him since I first saw him, because he deserves it.  At any rate, I do not have money, so what can I give?  That brings me to say “What would I do?” ie, listing 10-12 things before my life runs out.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

How often and how many of us really think about this?  At any minute any of us could come down with a terminal illness — what are the things (journal) that would want to do given your 6 months to live?

I had told Erin tonight that I would be happy just knowing that I have discovered my purpose – do you know how rare and precious of a gift that is, especially for someone my age?  My purpose is to Serve — to be a vessel, a catalyst for others — to create opportunity and prosperity.  I am interested in providing for myself, my future family, and the community — providing financial and educational opportunities.  Maybe I would have never had a chance to live out that dream; however, I am grateful for having had the clarity to discover the purpose.

I discovered my purpose while in Vermont, which was the best (most life-enhancing) experience of my life.  It really opened my eyes up, and I am thankful (gracious) to have experienced it.  I met some wonderful people and for the first time in my life can say that I discovered “family.”  We choose our family.  Anothe thing, I discovered I had choice in Vermont, and I also found (for the most part) my Voice.  I was able to express myself there for perhaps the first time and was encouraged to express myself and develop my potential.  People (the community) supported me — my interests, well-being, etc.

I will have to think about how to answer this question.  10 things

March 13th, 2011. Lyme times.


I am tired and exhausted because I had chosen to stay up late last night reading about the XMRV virus in connection with my lyme disease.  I was proud to have discovered that a connection has been made because the last time that I looked up XMRV in the fall of 2010 it had only been linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  It’s good to see advances!  And of course Dr. Joseph Burrascano is on top of the research.

At any rate, I am tired today.  I am excited to start my new regime soon and structure –structure more or less; the regimen itself is going to be very difficult to follow seeing as how I eat carbs every single day, often three, if not four times a day.  The lyme diet is very strict.  I have been told it’s somewhat like the Atkins diet and that it’s also similar to the Gerson diet used to treat cancer patients.

At any rate, I am excited to incorporate my new structure and to apply the discipline to achieve it.  I think that with adequate sleep I may very well be able to accommodate it and live it out successfully.  Of course there will be challenges, which I believe I can overcome as long as I can identify them, and also through the grace of God.  I do have belief in a spiritual power despite my anguish and triumph.

I trust that there is a “plan” for me.  I will be honest, there are moments –many, where I feel completely helpless, and I am angry, bitter, and sad that this is happening to me, but I just remind myself that there will come a time when things are “better.”  I will hold true to that.  I have heard of many lyme disease patients committing suicide because life doesn’t seem worth living; I hope to not get to that point.

I honestly believe that I have a purpose on this earth to serve and help make a difference.  I believe that I have what it takes inside to overcome and to be a part of the “greater” plan.  I believe that I have what it takes to succeed listening to the Creator.  I strongly believe that there is a chosen path for me.  –that is not to undermine or underestimate good will, or personal will, as I do believe that we have and are given choices, but I believe that through this suffering I will become a stronger person, and I will trust with all of my heart that I can pull through this.

My “friend” is the night.  The “night” and its stillness and silence is my companion.  The stars.  The trees.  –the things that I cannot see right now because I am so far away from them, but in my heart, they stay, as well as the vision that I hold for myself and my life.  I will overcome.  I will believe.

I think there is beauty and richness all around us.  I think that when we stop and breathe and take a moment to see the richness and beauty that life has to offer we can appreciate.  Life is beautiful.  I love life.  I love people.  I love the gifts that I have been given and the unique gifts that others share.  I want to see the world a better place.   I want to see people make a difference –to see people happy.  We are meant to live out our lives with purpose, conviction, and integrity.  To master unknown truths, but to know when to surrender.

“There is ‘beauty in the breakdown'” Dido once said.  I will be broken down, each of my defenses, whether I like it or not until I learn my “lesson” –this I wholeheartedly believe.  There is a “lesson” for that I just cannot see yet.  There is truth in the unknown.  There is a lesson here, and a magical healing and renewed spirit.  We will prevail.  We will walk together.  We will know each other.  We will love, respect, and tolerate one another.  We will cherish one another.  This is not a “utopia.”  Change starts with us –with the self.  I will walk through the fire if I have to, and by the water.  I will try and rest and calm my body to the best of my ability, creating a good balance.

I will eat healthy foods, mediate, sleep, love, and pray.  I will try and moderately exercise.  I am going to do my best to overcome this dis-ease and sickness.  Amen.

March 3rd, 2011. Boundaries. Clashes. Values.


It’s time that I put up boundaries with Erin because I am not about to be fooled again.  I feel like I am getting played, and I have felt this way off and on for months now; realistically, a couple of yearsShame on me for not walking away. Denial is what brings me right “back” again, into the loop… the vicious cycle.  She is bulshit.  Everything about her.  I hate her and how she lies through her teeth.  She gets off on deceiving people.  She even deceives herself.  The problem is I get caught up every time and give in.  I call her a push over, and most of the time she is, yet I am a push over for not walking away.  I guess I am scared to.  My heart is too intertwined.  I hate it.

Every time I gain some momentum she pulls me back again with her sweetness… she gets physically close to me and it causes me to “believe” things have changed.  Wrong.

I am only fooling and deceiving myself.  She is still the same cruel, heartless, distant, cold, insensitive, selfish, and calculating person she is.  My poem reads, “There isn’t any ‘love’ in goodbye,” which indicates how hard (difficult) it has been for me to walk away from unhealthy attachments.

I guess the messages that we learn in childhood can either keep us imprisoned or we can break out of them somehow.

How do we free ourselves?  What is the ‘glue’ that holds us together?  If denial then denial of what?  Where is this ‘landmine’ I have stepped on, if such an invisible barrier?  How can I learn to recognize it?  The red

flags?  Those things that we are supposed to keep our eyes wide-open to?  See, I saw them, but I was so used to them from my mother and previous relationships that I overlooked them, passing them off as something I “haven’t already handled.” The fact is, she became too good at her game, and unfortunately I lost mine.  Now I am stuck in a battle — a no-win situation, and I have clearly lost.  Myself.

I am ready and desiring to reclaim myself.  First comes the boundaries:

So when she comes at me and wants to tear down my walls:

What do I do?  Do I just stand there?  Take it?  The solution would be to walk away, but “how” I ask, do you walk away from the only thing (false love, ie: narcissistic love) you’ve ever known?  And when real love should present itself, how do you trust it?  If trust is shattered and you have been stripped of your dignity, then how can you trust again?  …how can you even trust yourself when your natural instinct has been deceived?

I want to hang Erin against a wall… what I mean by this is I want to see her held accountable for her actions, as I am so tired of her getting herself off the hook and sweet talking herself out of everything, including her stupid accident which was near-death and drug/substance-induced which she nearly killed someone and was able to talk her way out of getting alcohol/drug tested by the on-scene police officer!  I am angry at her for her “I’ll do ‘whatever I want, ‘when’ I want attitude” at the expense of others.  She’s a fucking antisocial (sociopath) woman.  I do not trust her for the life of me and nobody should because she’s hype and glee one day and a cruel, calculated witch the next.

I am sick and tired of this shit, and I am once again “packing my bags,” both figuratively and literally.  I have stuff all over my room right now sorted into different containers once again trying to figure out what I “need” and don’t need.  I do not trust my stability/security, ie: Erin and Rick’s home.  I do not trust Erin — as we have already established.

“Kicked around,” “Played with,” “Punched,” “Lied to,” “Deceived” — You name it, I have been.  It has happened to me.  I am sick and tired of it and am trying to develop standards for myself so that I can get the hell out of here.  I must admit having a car will make it a lot easier!  I am going to try my best not to lose my car and hope to God that my funds are not as low as I anticipated.  I am going to honestly, somehow have to “pull up my bootstraps” and fly.  I cannot wait-stay here; it is not healthy for me.  We have known (already established) this, yet I am pretty thick-sculled because my heart is hurting so bad that I don’t want to face the grief (another loss added to the many others that I have had trouble grieving) to deal with.

Apparently I have a hard time with grief, and maybe I choose to become locked into these patterns to avoid having to face it.  The harsh reality is I am going to have to face it because there will soon come a point where I am on my own officially.  Honestly, a part of me wants to be on my own, as scary and frightening as that might seem… It’s a challenge for sure; however, being/living in Philly is not a challenge… it is downright scary.  There isn’t any “challenge” in an area that is unsafe, as I have zero interest in living in an area that is unsafe.

I am interested in living in an area where I can grow and reach and aspire to be my best.  I do not want to have to worry about my back, which I feel like in Philly you can’t do anything but that, and it doesn’t help that that is the impression Erin feeds me daily.  I do not want to have to live my life that way… To be quite honest, if it wasn’t for Erin I would not even be in Philadelphia.  I came here namely for the relationship… to continue it because I wanted things to be okay… and I believed her when she said that all she needed was her “family” and that everything would be “alright.”  Wrong.  It got worse.

I took the bait.  At any rate, I choose on some level, whether subconsciously or consciously, to come to Philly.  Some part of me chose — maybe the underdeveloped part of myself that longs for a “family.”  The sad fact is, “family” to me is not the kind of family I want in my life… it’s narcissistic.  I don’t want narcissistic “love” in my life.  I want real love, and it starts with myself… so the reality is I have to get away from here.  I need to leave.  This place doesn’t do me any good, and it’s only hurting me (worse) being here.  It’s only reinforcing the false internalized belief that I am not loveable or respectable or worthy.

I can’t determine my worth anymore in the eyes of others… not in those who are unworthy of my love, time, attention, and respect.  I cannot allow myself to be walked on.  Thus, I need to put up boundaries; it is absolutely necessary for my health and survival.  I need to start now.  As hard as it might seem/be, I need to, because I cannot continue to live a lie and live a life that does not serve (enrich) me.  I am wasting precious, valuable opportunities… I cannot let a thief bring me down… I cannot let him/her rob me of my soul.  Life is a precious jewel, and I want to treat it that way.  I will not short-change myself.

February 6th, 2011. Who we associate with/Values/Peer support group.


I am cutting out all unhealthy people in my life and when this happens it will be inevitable that I will be left with is myself and will be asked to examine myself closely.  I do believe though that association plays a big role in one’s development and growth –hindering or supporting.  “Guilty by association.”  People do have an effect on other people and the kinds of people we surround ourselves with is can break or make us.  There is energy associated with each person and situation.

One by one I will be making and learning how to make healthy, better (sensible) decisions for myself, being mindful of the kinds of people I let into my life and the choices that I make.  I am going to try and meditate a little and spend time  myself so that I can develop mindfulness for things going on in my life.  I am in the process right now of clearing out  my room –making my external environment a safe haven and a clutter-free refuge for me to retreat.  I think that this process of eliminating not necessary the “bad,” because I do not believe in strictly “good” and “bad,” but what does not align with my value-system, will be a *balancing act.  It almost reminds me of 13. The Death card in the tarot that states:  “Out with the old, on with the new,”“When one door closes, another opens,” but it’s a transition… and a slow one at that.

I just do not want something, ie: Erin and a selfish acting out incident on her part to hinder my progress.  I am not that strong to where I can just put my emotions aside and pretend (denial) to not be bothered; nor do I believe this is healthy.  I am really going to have to try and maintain focus and perspective.

I think that I am going to hop in the shower now even though I already took a bath today.  I want to feel clean 100% and well-groomed.  Then afterwords I think I will work on my budget for my 4 living options (2 of which seem most viable) and lists, ie: grocery, to buy/return, etc. some more.  The goal is to eventually have everything I need arranged and organized in such a manner to where I can access everything easily and efficiently, and save on costs.  It is important for me to be able to have my own space and have things run efficiently while enjoying life.

Tonight is Super Bowl night and everyone is coming over to drink.  Erin was quick to remind me that there would be much alcohol downstairs tonight.  I am not looking forward to this evening the least bit and cannot understand why people insist that fun involves alcohol.  Why not soda and popcorn?  Heck, or even juice and celery?!  I do not understand why people do not have well-developed values and am impatient with stupidity.  I really want to surround myself with value-minded individuals who are working towards similar goals and share similar interests.