May 18th, 2011. The Path I’m On…


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March 19th, 2011. May the fate prevail -step-by-step.


I met up today with Albert after he got off work and we talked about our lives and updated each other.  He told me about his son and vented his troubles, hopes, fears, etc. he’s been having with him, and I told him about how my mother talked my step-father out of helping me financially with my treatment for lyme disease and how my biological father insists I help myself because he claims to not have the extra money right now; mind you, he is paying megabucks for an overseas dating service and flying all over the world looking for a new, young, bright, wife in his new, hot convertible.

Albert and I concluded that I am pretty much on my own, and it’s a shame.  It honestly is really sad.  He said that there’s something seriously wrong with my “family,” but then again, we have known this.  He also said he feels this may be part of the reason Erin is taking advantage of me.  He said (he is from another country) that when men realize their wife is on their own and that their family does not support them, they look down on them and start taking advantage of them.  I told him that it should be the opposite of that, and that if the family does not support the partner, the partner should be mindful of that.  At any rate, that is not the case.

With that being said, I am in a dependent situation due to my poor health, and am not receiving any support from all directions.  I have fortunately thought up a plan, and I am going to try my hardest to stick to it.  It goes like this:

1.  Treatment
2.  Job
3.  Home
4.  Support
5.  Vision

Basically my treatment recovery comes first before all else.  I need to get myself back to a place where I can be able to work again and be productive so that I can eventually get out on my own, in an area (community) that I can be proud of, ie: Burlington, North Carolina, California, etc.  Likely Burlington or North Carolina.  I have never lived in North Carolina, but if it’s anything like Vermont I think I would be happy there.  I love trees and mountains and liberalism.

At any rate, then will come the vision, which I believe as long as I take all of the right steps in the right direction, will fulfill itself.  I will be happy — in my family and career.  I will be in a place of optimal productivity — this is the plan.  I fully believe in this plan and do not see there being a problem as long as I take the necessary steps that I need to to get better.

I wanted to share these 3 videos, in this order, because they just came to mind:



I have never really experienced love.  It is just a concept.  It is sad that I do not have a family that I can reach out to — that both sides of my family have basically left me estranged.  There must be a lesson in all of this because sometimes the tragedy is such an atrocity that shakes me at my very core that it doesn’t even seem worth living.  It’s a hard “pill to swallow.”  I have thus turned to friends as “family” and unfortunately many of the “friends” I have chosen have taken advantage of me and partners unfit to be partners.

What this all comes down to for me is self-respect.  I will have to do it on my own and see what I am made of.  I believe this is character-building.  I am being shaped, and there is a lesson to learn.  I am strong, and I am also compassionate.  I am outspoken and have a strength and tenacity that is rare.  I am strong and vulnerable at the same time.  I am capable.  I am a survivor and will excel and succeed in my own right.  I will set-forth standards for myself and follow them.  Ashley was right when she said, “Emily your core issue that you can do it alone..but don’t believe that you can.”

“Life Of My Own” by 3 Doors Down.

Living risky,
never scared, wander
Closer to the edge
Nothing valued think no fear,
Always wondering why you’re here
All your purposes are gone, nothing’s
Right and nothing’s wrong
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
Feel no sorrow, feel no pain
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms,
Let me live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast
Falling faster, time goes by,
Fear is not seen through these eyes
What there was will never be,
Now I’m blind and cannot see
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way,
And I’ll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life.

The – my vision is what will carry me.  In this “sink or swim” world, I will swim.  “They’ll have to beat it out of me,” I think to myself.  I will surrender only to one thing – God.  I will submit only to God and under “good orderly” direction, those trusted – far few and in-between.  The human spirit is resilient.

I have never had a family, and it is that very thing that motivates me.  I am like a star too hard to follow.  I will chart my own path and leave dust.  “Chalk it up.”  I have what it takes -I am capable of getting out of this position and moving to a position of greater freedom and happiness.  I want to pray to God right now.  “God, whatever I have done to deserve ill, poor health, I am sorry.  Please allow me to learn the lesson so that I can move on and do something good with my life.”

“Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast” – 3 Doors Down.

No one will hold me down.  I will prevail.  I will take this step-by-step, day-by-day to free myself from this mess, this cage, this “mess” that I have got myself in.  I know that there is a lesson, spiritual in nature, for me to learn.  I will learn it, and I will move forward.

February 22nd, 2011. There is hope.


Well, I haven’t quite made it off my bed yet and away from my computer.  I was in the midst of tying things up when Ashley responded to my text surprisingly, and I must say that I am left with tears in my eyes… I am literally crying right now… I am not sure exactly what I feel –grief sadness?  Relief?  I am upset and just want (need) a hug… I majorly need a hug and a vacation with someone who loves me and cares about me.  I started to honestly think that it was a long-lost dream with Ashley… her support… our friendship…

She said to me, “Emily your core issue that you can do it alone..but don’t believe that you can.” I couldn’t agree with her more, and I responded to her, “I am stuck right now in the grief… the emotions, and need a helping-hand –someone beautiful like yourself–  extroverted, friendly, warm… Who knows me and knows my capabilities, which you do, and which is why I need you… Your help.” I said, “I just want to listen to you, Ashley.. to open my heart to you.  I have been so very lonely and need a friend.”

I’m re-reading my text, and I feel pathetic.  I am glad that I’ve open myself up to her (it’s like opening a can of worms) yet I am embarrassed to a degree because I want to be somewhere I’m not, ie: further along, and I am very strong, yet I am not demonstrating that strength for whatever reason.  I see reminders of her everywhere I go… the movie “Chronicles of Narnia” reminds me of her… especially in the first one where Lucy meets the elf-looking animal.  He becomes Lucy’s best friend… that’s all I want, really, a best friend… friendships are far, few, and in-between… rare, and I realize that now, which is why I have held on for so long…

I always trip –stumble over my words when it comes to Ashley… even talking to her in the mall the other day… I always wonder, “Did I say too much; did I not say enough?” I just want something to evolve again, but in a completely different way… I want to build a friendship, slowly.  I cannot help but feel pathetic now like I should be stronger than this… than what I am.  I have always been strong.  I do not like appearing weak.  I hate.  I despise it.  I feel unattractive and ugly.  I feel scared.  My greatest fear is probably being hurt emotionally, which is what keeps me stuck.  It’s my Achilles’s heel.  I fall.

I wish that it would rain right now… I understand I am engaging in fantasy again, but I cannot help but think about this make-believe “best” friend, ie: Ashley, Wanda, Michael, etc. –someone with a good head on their shoulders and us playing in the rain… even, yes, adults can do this ;)  But honestly… just walking, talking, laughing… going to movies… sharing… I feel like I am in some glass bubble or something and it’s separating me from living… is that fear?  …lack of support?  Connections?

Enough with the analyzing, Ashley has reached out to me, and for that I am grateful.  She stated, “Well I work 5 am til 4pm everyday.. my time is limited and I go to bed early.  I will try giving u a call when I have time.” Hearing this makes me happy and proud (for her) –she is such a strong person.  Yet I hear it, and I think, “Oh, God, please don’t call me… I do not want to make a fool –idiot, of myself.”  Honestly, that is what I think… and I am afraid to talk to her!  I am afraid because of the above!  I do not want to make an ass out of myself and say the wrong thing and/or not say enough.  It is extremely difficult I am realizing for me to be with my feelings, and it takes time… they come and they go; they are not as readily accessible as they used to be, likely because of all the trauma I have endured…

At any rate, I can’t just pour my heart out to her like I want to if I’m not fully “there,” and yet in those moments that I am “there,” there is only awkwardness should I decide to “release” (so-to-speak) my tongue… ie, like I did with Wanda with my philosophically-oriented nature.  God forbid that I do that and come off awkward and (my worst fear) be abandoned, such was the case with Wanda.  God forbid, honestly… I mean, aren’t “friendships” supposed to be non-judgmental?  Aren’t we supposed to be allowed to make stupid remarks, do stupid things, etc. and not fear being left or cut off?  Honestly, rejection is one of my worst fears… the emotional and rejection… it all ties together.  I just want to be emotionally supported and I can prove steady reliability.

I am going to really try and go this time LOL.  Ashley is still responding to my texts so I may type again here soon to up-date, but I am honestly going to try and get off here and put on some music and shower, too.  Erin will be home in a little over an hour, and I just want to be alone with myself and my thoughts… When she gets home she will probably just want to chill out, and honestly, I will probably be in the mood to go out… that’s usually how it goes, but I don’t want to go out by myself, as I naturally enjoy and prefer going out with someone or in a small group.