March 31st, 2011. Tough times. Ears, anyone?


This is the song playing in my head right now, as I’ve had a slight “ego” bruise:

“Learn My Lesson”

Tonight the sunset means so much
The one thing that you know you’ll never touch
Like the feeling, the real thing
I reach out for that sweet dream

But somehow the darkness wakes me up
I’ve felt this emptiness before
But all the times that I’ve been broken
I still run right back for more

You’d think that I’d learn my lesson by now
You’d think that I’d somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You’re bound to feel the flame

You think that I’d learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven’t learned a thing

Sometimes I think I’m better off
To turn out the lights and close up shop
And give up the longing, believing in belonging
Just hold down my head and take the loss

You’d think that I’d learn my lesson by now
You’d think that I’d somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You’re bound to feel the flame

You’d think that I’d learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven’t learned a thing…

You’d think that I’d learn my lesson by now
You’d think that I’d somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You’re bound to feel the flame

You’d think that I’d learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven’t learned a thing…

The line that is bolded is what stood out to me, and then I googled it (because I couldn’t remember the song) and this is the song that came up.

I don’t know why I have such a difficult time… I don’t know why I am so frequently misunderstood.  I fee like this year I am encountering a lot of “resistance” (energetically and literally) from all sides.  I am having a really difficult year.  I am not making any money, ie: steady employment-wise, and my relationships are all very poor and turbulent.  I am trying to have (develop) a better relationship with myself, yet every attempt I have is futile.

So in case you’re wondering… I stopped by the bicycle shop today, and I spoke with Curtis.  I have been stopping by diligently to try and demonstrate my solid interest in the job, and today he said that he’s hiring a former employee to come and do the work he needs to get done.  He seems to think that because I don’t know the difference between a “nut” and a “bolt” that I would not be capable of being an organizer for his store.

First off, I did know the difference between a bolt and a nut — I learned a long time ago from my grandfather and my dad, but I was so damn tongue-tied and nervous when I went in there in search and hope of a job that — with only one goal in mind — that I blew my shot.  I froze with words.  But it didn’t stop me from coming back — I was persistent — every damn day.  I literally would visit the shop daily.  Curtis even joked to me around some customers, bantering me on how I keep on “pestering” him about a job, he’d say with a smile on his face.  He stated I’m”fugal,” and I think he was using the wrong word.

At any rate, he bantered me.  I took this to be a good sign, but now I am a little confused about the mixed messages I am receiving.  He is back and forth it seems, but I do not think it’s because he’s a flaky person — rather, I think it’s because he wants to see me demonstrate work experience working with bicycles, which I do not have, but I certaintly have the passion and willingness.  I am also a quick-learner.

At any rate, I rightfully almost walked out of there with tears in my eyes.  I have spent literally hours and days at that shop demonstrating my interest and taking the time to learn more.  He also made a comment today about my “perfectionism,” or perfectionist tendencies.  Yes, I am undoubtedly a perfectionist, and I am proud of it.  It’s my perfectionism that allows me to achieve.  What more does he want?

I am hurt.  My ego, that is.  I feel once again misunderstood and slighted.  I have demonstrated my competence, ie: in other areas, and my capability for learning this trade, and it just sounds like he doesn’t have, or rather, isn’t willing to make the time because his time is valuable.  I cannot tell you how quick I can learn this, and how quick and excellent of a learner I am.  I can excel.  I have no doubt in my abilities.

“What more does he want,” I ask again?  I cannot tell you the feeling in my stomach of what it feels like to feel and be misunderstood.  I am angry.  I am mad; I am sad.  I am frustrated.  Am I not making myself known?  …clear?  Am I not putting myself “out” there the way I should be?  I am doing what I can to make this happen, but apparently my attempts are not pronounced enough!  I am quiet but persistent.  I am steady.  I am  outspoken about certain things.  I am reflective, and I am smart.  I lead by vision.

I want to learn everything there is to know about bicycles and the store.  It is not often; in fact, rare, that I will walk into a store and desire to actually work there.  For me, that says a lot.  I am very picky and selective (particular) about where and with whom I invest my time.

I am interested in improving his business, but either he doesn’t see it, or he doesn’t have the time.  I told him to give me a shot — to allow me to work for him for 1 week.  He was considering it, but then he threw in the comment that he’s thrown in three times already about how I don’t know the difference between a “nut” and a “bolt,” which I do!  The truth is, I just didn’t want to admit to him that I made a mistake because I was embarrassed and so focused on getting an opportunity to work for him at a trade I would love that I spaced it.  Minute details aside, I can organize things by the way they look and my organizational abilities extend much further than he’s even aware.

He had a customer who walked in and who needed his help while I was patiently awaiting an answer.  He came back, and I said something to him, “I can come in whenever you want — I will work with your schedule.” He looked hesitant, or rather contemplative, and so I said, “Curtis, how about this?  How about we meet next Monday and we sit down and talk about this — the opportunity, what you’re looking for, what I have to offer, etc.” He then pointed out that they were closed Mondays, which I knew, but again, I wasn’t in that “state” (mentally) to remember something like that;  I was once again focused on the result, ie:  getting the opportunity to work for him.

I laughed, feeling once stupid again, like I had made a mistake because I knew that, but I was too focused on the outcome to remember, and I had invested all of my energy into attaining and awaiting the desired response.  In response, he said that he’s busy the next “3 weeks.”  Well, okay.  I walked out of there with nearly tears in my eyes thinking, “I guess he’ll never understand,” followed by, “Why doesn’t he understand?”  “Can’t he just see that I am interested in the trade and that I am capable?” He knows that I am smart because he actually made this comment to me the 1st or 2nd day I spoke with him, yet his doubt, or skepticism, about me not having had bicycle experience is preventing him from providing me with the opportunity.

I am honestly starting to wonder whether or not my “portfolio” idea would even make a difference to him if “experience” is what he is sold on.  I can have all the ideas in the world and be able (fully capable) to implement them, but how can I without first being given a chance?  I cannot tell you how it feels to finally find a place that I am interested in working in only to be halfway shot down.  I am a strong person, and I am also very stubborn, and so it says a lot for me to be trying to work for someone, moreover this persistently!  Additionally, to be working for a place where I would most likely make less than half the money I would elsewhere.  What does that say?

The fact that I have a college degree and am going to be pursuing higher education soon! …and yet I want to work at a bicycle shop?  What that says is that my interest is sincere and well-intentioned.  I guess in the long-scheme of things it doesn’t matter.  From this point on I am unsure of how to proceed.  I want to say just “abandon this ship,” yet I am not entirely ready to let go yet when I have stumbled upon a treasure, ie: used, vintage bicycles that are both beautiful and practical.  I don’t want to work for another shop.  I don’t want to work for another shop because I do not want to waste my time when I have already sized up that Curtis’s shop would be the best for me — I trust my analysis and intuition.

Honestly, my time, too, Curtis, is precious, and I know what I am worth, and it says a lot that I have chosen — selected Via Bicycle, to work for because I am capable of transforming the place.

Maybe he’s fine and maybe he has everything the way “he wants,” but I just want to do better.  I want to improve it.  I want to give it 5 stars, not 4.  There is always room for improvement.  I want to know his mission… his vision — does he have one?  I want to work together to create something.  I never had anyone guiding me or directing me growing up – I guided and directed myself; I learned things the hard way and my own way.

I do not usually listen to people — not everyone.  I listen to people I consider knowledgeable and trustworthy.  Curtis and I think along the same lines.  Yet, I am unseen?  The truth is, I can only do so much… either he will or won’t see it.  Screw my ideas — they mean nothing on paper.  Edit:  They don’t mean “anything” on paper, only in practice, and if I can’t use them, then what’s the use?  I have ideas, and I need to be able to put them to use.

My brain, my reflection… the fact that I am a girl… or rather, a “woman.”  I am capable of so much, but to not be given the chance hurts.  It’s like a stab in the chest.  I need to be able to be productive, and I need to be able to work for a place that has similar values as my own, and a similar mission/vision.  I just want a chance.

March 31st, 2011. Glasses – tough call. Hmm.


Glasses are important; you see them every day, and people see them every day.  You have to look at yourself every day; you get pictures of yourself taken, or are included in pictures.  Glasses are just as important as keys – they help you see!

With that being said, this is what I have now (just bought):

 

 

 

 

 

and I just found out they come in tortoise colored, too:

 

 

 

 

 

I like the classic (top), but I also like the tortoise color, although in this particular picture they look very flamboyant!  I like a more subtle tortoise color, and it’s hard to tell which it is until you can actually see it in person.  I just ordered myself another pair, and I am going to return whichever one I don’t like.  I love the classic, I really do, but tortoise goes better with my completion, clothing, style, etc, although the classics would definitely look excellent with my black chucks ;)

At any rate, feel free to provide feedback!

March 28th, 2011- Near-future color for my bedroom :) Color psychology info.


I have decided to paint my room a medium-pastel colored green to help with the healing process and to enhance my creativity :)  I may also keep half of the room the medium-color blue to keep me work/professional/cause-focused, and for it’s “stabilizing” effect.  If the green and blue together get to be too much then I will paint the whole room green.  I hope to get this project started within a couple of weeks!

Color Psychology – Green

Green, which is Nature’s colour, is restful, soothing, cheerful, and health-giving. – Paul Brunton

The Color Psychology of Green

  • Green is a cool color that symbolizes nature and the natural world.
  • Green also represents tranquility, good luck, health, and jealousy.
  • Researchers have also found that green can improve reading ability. Some students may find that laying a transparent sheet of green paper over reading material increases reading speed and comprehension.
  • Green has long been a symbol of fertility and was once the preferred color choice for wedding gowns in the 15th-century. Even today, green M & M’s (an American chocolate candy) are said to send a sexual message.
  • Green is often used in decorating for its calming effect. For example, guests waiting to appear on television programs often wait in a “green room” to relax.
  • Green is thought to relieve stress and help heal. Those who have a green work environment experience fewer stomachaches.

Meaning of the Color Green

Meaning, symbolism and psychology of color: All About the Color greenGreen occupies more space in the spectrum visible to the human eye and is second only to blue as a favorite color. Green is the pervasive color in the natural world that is an ideal backdrop in interior design because we are so used to seeing it everywhere.

The natural greens, from forest to lime, are seen as tranquil and refreshing, with a natural balance of cool and warm (blue and yellow) undertones. Green is considered the color of peace and ecology. However, there is an “institutional” side to green, associated with illness or Government-issued that conjure up negative emotions as do the “slimy” or bilious greens.
How the color green affects us physically and mentally
* Soothing
* Relaxing mentally as well as physically
* Helps alleviate depression, nervousness and anxiety
* Offers a sense of renewal, self-control and harmony

Psychology of Color: Green

The color of growth, nature, and money. A calming color also that’s very pleasing to the senses. Dark forest green is associated with terms like conservative, masculine and wealth. Hospitals use light green rooms because they too are found to be calming to patients. It is also the color associated with envy, good luck, generosity and fertility. It is the traditional color of peace, harmony, comfortable nurturing, support and well paced energy.

Green

Currently the most popular decorating color, green symbolizes nature. It is the easiest color on the eye and can improve vision. It is a calming, refreshing color. People waiting to appear on TV sit in “green rooms” to relax. Hospitals often use green because it relaxes patients. Brides in the Middle Ages wore green to symbolize fertility.

Green

Physiological Effect: Green is said to be good for you heart. On a physical and emotional, green helps your heart bring you physical equilibrium and relaxation. Green relaxes our muscles and helps us breathe deeper and slower.

Psychological Effect: Green creates feelings of comfort, laziness, relaxation, calmness. It helps us balance and soothe our emotions. Some attribute this to its connection with nature and our natural feelings of affiliation with the natural world when experiencing the color green. Yet, darker and grayer greens can have the opposite effect. These olive green colors remind us of decay and death and can actually have a detrimental effect on physical and emotional health. Note that sickened cartoon characters always turned green.

 

Meaning of the Color Blue

Meaning, symbolism and psychology of color: All About the Color BLUEBlue is the overwhelming “favorite color.” Blue is seen as trustworthy, dependable and committed. The color of sky and the ocean, blue is perceived as a constant in our lives.

As the collective color of the spirit, it invokes rest and can cause the body to produce chemicals that are calming; however not all blues are serene and sedate. Electric or brilliant blues become dynamic and dramatic, an engaging color that expresses exhilaration.

Some shades or the overuse of blue may come across as cold or uncaring. Blue is the least “gender specific” color, having equal appeal to both men and women.

How the color blue affects us physically and mentally
* Calming and sedate
* Cooling
* Aids intuition

Psychology of Color: Blue

Ask people their favorite color and a clear majority will say blue. Much of the world is blue (skies, seas). Seeing the color blue actually causes the body to produce chemicals that are calming; but that isn’t true of all shades of blue. Some shades (or too much blue) can send a cold and uncaring message. Many bedrooms are blue because it’s calm, restful color. Over the ages blue has become associated with steadfastness, dependability, wisdom and loyalty (note how many uniforms are blue). People tend to be more productive in a blue room because they are calm and focused on the task at hand. Some studies are showing that weight lifters can lift more weight in a blue gym – in fact, nearly all sports are enhanced in blue surroundings.

Blue

The color of the sky and the ocean, blue is one of the most popular colors. It causes the opposite reaction as red. Peaceful, tranquil blue causes the body to produce calming chemicals, so it is often used in bedrooms. Blue can also be cold and depressing. Fashion consultants recommend wearing blue to job interviews because it symbolizes loyalty. People are more productive in blue rooms. Studies show weightlifters are able to handle heavier weights in blue gyms.

Blue

Physiological Effect: In contrast to red, blue proves to lower blood pressure. Blue can be linked to the throat and thyroid gland. Blue also has a very cooling and soothing affect, often making us calmer. Deep blue stimulates the pituitary gland, which then regulates our sleep patterns. This deeper blue also has proved to help the skeletal structure in keeping bone marrow healthy.

Psychological Effect: We usually associate the color blue with the night and thus we feel relaxed and calmed. Lighter blues make us feel quite and away from the rush of the day. These colors can be useful in eliminating insomnia. Like yellow, blue inspires mental control, clarity and creativity. However, too much dark blue can be depressing.