I am aware that this song is about someone who has lost a child. However, I like to imagine it being about a person that you’ve loved deeply and that you’re not together with right now… “Today could have been the day that you blow out your candles and make a wish as you close your eyes” to me is about you and that person’s “could-have” been anniversary/wedding day. This individual has great respect for this woman and even her mother. He cherishes her more than life itself.
“One thing is evident, would have given you all I have, would have loved you like no other.”
I have a lot on my mind. I don’t like posting my thoughts before I’ve had a chance to think about them… Typically I will journal (in my handwritten journal) first and then feel better about sharing on here. I can’t seem to get the clarity on here via typing.
Anyway, so I’ve been thinking about relationships… about the relationships I have with others and about the relationship I have with myself. Today the big topic was “Commitment.” I had a long and drawn out conversation with a good friend about the topic.
I realized that a lot of my relationships with significant others have been immature and so there hasn’t ever been any sense of real “commitment” established. Immature relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts aren’t really a good foundation for a solid relationship. Anyway, there was one person, that despite my lack of maturity at the time, I had “commitment” with. Ashley.
She would probably beg to differ, but I am now where she was. At the time, when we dated, I made a stupid mistake. I am now that person she needed me to be. Anyway, I would have to say that that was when I most understood commitment, and sadly enough, that’s the only time I’ve ever physically been in a relationship where commitment has been demonstrated.
I have had other relationships – friendships, where there has been commitment, and there was certainly romantic attraction there… Off the top of my head, Syndee, Heike, Katherine… But I was never with these people because they were all somehow unavailable. I must say that I now know what I want, and I know exactly what to look for. Commitment is related to respect. There can’t be commitment without respect.
With that being said, all of these unhealthy, codependent relationships I’ve had lacked respect, which explains why there wasn’t any commitment. That just goes to show how important “respect” is. I think it’s something worth looking at. The way you respect yourself (or don’t) and the way you respect others. There seems to be a direct link.
I want to be in a relationship where respect is demonstrated. It’s weird to think so many relationships I’ve been in have lacked it. I wonder where I learned this from? To date people who lack respect for themselves and others. Where did I see this from? I imagine I am imitating my father. My father stayed by my mother’s side despite her lack of self-respect. My mother, like many of the women I have dated, seemed to have issues where extramarital affairs are part of the picture.
I feel kind of guilty for splurging her business on a public forum, but it’s something to learn from. My dad I guess didn’t have much respect for himself by staying with her. With that being said, I don’t want to make that same mistake, and that is why I continuously, every day look at myself and where I’m at – where I’ve been.
I try to figure out where I’ve been and where I am now not to make the same mistake. I know why I stay. I also know where my heart stands.
I was talking to Heike (the good friend) about “circles” and how there are different levels of trust and they’re all directly related to respect. I need that respect in order to be happy in life. It’s a shame that I can’t attract a partner who demonstrates this because they are all taken. It irritates me.
I know that eventually I will attract the partner who is supposed to be in my life. I don’t want Ashley to snooze and lose. That sounds horrible, but it’s true. I can’t help it that she’s in denial right now. Everyone knows it, but I can’t and shouldn’t have to wait around. Yet, I do. Yet I know there are others out there who will also demonstrate the same level of respect – whether or not they will ignite my passion, etc. is another story. But still. Time is ticking and time is truly of the essence.
I need to be clear and honest with myself and set and establish firm boundaries with others. I have now been made aware of the reasons in which I stay, and I need to work on that. I need to get myself out of this situation and clear this baggage to make room for the new. Our past doesn’t stay with us if we’ve learned from our mistakes, and I mean truly learned. As in, on a heart level… not head.
Ashley is in town tonight, and I am wondering if maybe subconsciously I am upset with the way things are between us. I guess more than anything I am upset with myself. Really, I am just upset with the situation. I am bothered that she (or it feels like, anyway) is “pouting” and not talking to me. I am sure she has good reasons, but at the same time I would like to think she can just get over it. I don’t mean that insensitively, although I suppose it can be taken that way. I guess I am just tired of the wall… the distance… what feels like separation. I just want to be over it and communicating again and be supportive of one another.
I understand I offended her, and I am so sorry for that. Trust me, I have learned my lesson. I did not mean to violate her boundaries in any way. I was young and naive. You can really learn a lot in a short time. I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in the time that I have been away from her, and I will be honest, I miss our friendship.
Anyway, she’s here in town, and I am left to sit with my feelings… Sometimes I get angry; sometimes I get sad, and I just want to go out on the town. Yeah, people change, but there is always that part of us that remains the same.
“What’s meant to be, will be.” I truly believe that “Everything happens for a reason.”
While in my room today packing my backpack for a day out today, I thought to myself:
“This situation is not favorable and very unhealthy, and I have to find a way to pack my bags…”
I’m sitting right in this middle of this “shit.” This is excess baggage, and I want out. The truth is, I am too good for this, yet I am tolerating it.
I am allowing my past to dominate me, and I no longer want to let it control me. Action needs to follow. A plan needs to be developed. I clearly need to rescue myself.
We teach others how to treat us.
This is not acceptable behavior and I need to learn to respect myself more and move myself into action.
I sure earned a lot of physical fitness awards in school. I also have a good weight standing.
I really wish that I had continued… if it was not for the death of my father, I would have stayed in. I needed my family. I was grieving, and it was a bad time. My recruit officer had suggested I wait, and I didn’t listen, thinking I could handle it after my dad’s death, but I couldn’t… finding him dead traumatized me, but I was determined at that time to not let it interfere with my career goals. I wanted to make him, my family, and myself proud. I let myself and others down in the worst way. At any rate, I wish that I had re-enlisted a few years ago.
It’s time that I put up boundaries with Erin because I am not about to be fooled again. I feel like I am getting played, and I have felt this way off and on for months now; realistically, a couple of years. Shame on me for not walking away.Denial is what brings me right “back” again, into the loop… the vicious cycle. She is bulshit. Everything about her. I hate her and how she lies through her teeth. She gets off on deceiving people. She even deceives herself. The problem is I get caught up every time and give in. I call her a push over, and most of the time she is, yet I am a push over for not walking away. I guess I am scared to. My heart is too intertwined. I hate it.
Every time I gain some momentum she pulls me back again with her sweetness… she gets physically close to me and it causes me to “believe” things have changed. Wrong.
I am only fooling and deceiving myself. She is still the same cruel, heartless, distant, cold, insensitive, selfish, and calculating person she is. My poem reads, “There isn’t any ‘love’ in goodbye,” which indicates how hard (difficult) it has been for me to walk away from unhealthy attachments.
I guess the messages that we learn in childhood can either keep us imprisoned or we can break out of them somehow.
How do we free ourselves? What is the ‘glue’ that holds us together? If denial then denial of what? Where is this ‘landmine’ I have stepped on, if such an invisible barrier? How can I learn to recognize it? The red
flags? Those things that we are supposed to keep our eyes wide-open to? See, I saw them, but I was so used to them from my mother and previous relationships that I overlooked them, passing them off as something I “haven’t already handled.” The fact is, she became too good at her game, and unfortunately I lost mine. Now I am stuck in a battle — a no-win situation, and I have clearly lost. Myself.
I am ready and desiring to reclaim myself. First comes the boundaries:
So when she comes at me and wants to tear down my walls:
What do I do? Do I just stand there? Take it? The solution would be to walk away, but “how” I ask, do you walk away from the only thing (false love, ie: narcissistic love) you’ve ever known? And when real love should present itself, how do you trust it? If trust is shattered and you have been stripped of your dignity, then how can you trust again? …how can you even trust yourself when your natural instinct has been deceived?
I want to hang Erin against a wall… what I mean by this is I want to see her held accountable for her actions, as I am so tired of her getting herself off the hook and sweet talking herself out of everything, including her stupid accident which was near-death and drug/substance-induced which she nearly killed someone and was able to talk her way out of getting alcohol/drug tested by the on-scene police officer! I am angry at her for her “I’ll do ‘whatever I want, ‘when’ I want attitude” at the expense of others. She’s a fucking antisocial (sociopath) woman. I do not trust her for the life of me and nobody should because she’s hype and glee one day and a cruel, calculated witch the next.
I am sick and tired of this shit, and I am once again “packing my bags,” both figuratively and literally. I have stuff all over my room right now sorted into different containers once again trying to figure out what I “need” and don’t need. I do not trust my stability/security, ie: Erin and Rick’s home. I do not trust Erin — as we have already established.
“Kicked around,” “Played with,” “Punched,” “Lied to,” “Deceived” — You name it, I have been. It has happened to me. I am sick and tired of it and am trying to develop standards for myself so that I can get the hell out of here. I must admit having a car will make it a lot easier! I am going to try my best not to lose my car and hope to God that my funds are not as low as I anticipated. I am going to honestly, somehow have to “pull up my bootstraps” and fly. I cannot wait-stay here; it is not healthy for me. We have known (already established) this, yet I am pretty thick-sculled because my heart is hurting so bad that I don’t want to face the grief (another loss added to the many others that I have had trouble grieving) to deal with.
Apparently I have a hard time with grief, and maybe I choose to become locked into these patterns to avoid having to face it. The harsh reality is I am going to have to face it because there will soon come a point where I am on my own officially. Honestly, a part of me wants to be on my own, as scary and frightening as that might seem… It’s a challenge for sure; however, being/living in Philly is not a challenge… it is downright scary. There isn’t any “challenge” in an area that is unsafe, as I have zero interest in living in an area that is unsafe.
I am interested in living in an area where I can grow and reach and aspire to be my best. I do not want to have to worry about my back, which I feel like in Philly you can’t do anything but that, and it doesn’t help that that is the impression Erin feeds me daily. I do not want to have to live my life that way… To be quite honest, if it wasn’t for Erin I would not even be in Philadelphia. I came here namely for the relationship… to continue it because I wanted things to be okay… and I believed her when she said that all she needed was her “family” and that everything would be “alright.” Wrong. It got worse.
I took the bait. At any rate, I choose on some level, whether subconsciously or consciously, to come to Philly. Some part of me chose — maybe the underdeveloped part of myself that longs for a “family.” The sad fact is, “family” to me is not the kind of family I want in my life… it’s narcissistic. I don’t want narcissistic “love” in my life. I want real love, and it starts with myself… so the reality is I have to get away from here. I need to leave. This place doesn’t do me any good, and it’s only hurting me (worse) being here. It’s only reinforcing the false internalized belief that I am not loveable or respectable or worthy.
I can’t determine my worth anymore in the eyes of others… not in those who are unworthy of my love, time, attention, and respect. I cannot allow myself to be walked on. Thus, I need to put up boundaries; it is absolutely necessary for my health and survival. I need to start now. As hard as it might seem/be, I need to, because I cannot continue to live a lie and live a life that does not serve (enrich) me. I am wasting precious, valuable opportunities… I cannot let a thief bring me down… I cannot let him/her rob me of my soul. Life is a precious jewel, and I want to treat it that way. I will not short-change myself.
I am cutting out all unhealthy people in my life and when this happens it will be inevitable that I will be left with is myself and will be asked to examine myself closely. I do believe though that association plays a big role in one’s development and growth –hindering or supporting. “Guilty by association.” People do have an effect on other people and the kinds of people we surround ourselves with is can break or make us. There is energy associated with each person and situation.
One by one I will be making and learning how to make healthy, better (sensible) decisions for myself, being mindful of the kinds of people I let into my life and the choices that I make. I am going to try and meditate a little and spend time myself so that I can develop mindfulness for things going on in my life. I am in the process right now of clearing out my room –making my external environment a safe haven and a clutter-free refuge for me to retreat. I think that this process of eliminating not necessary the “bad,” because I do not believe in strictly “good” and “bad,” but what does not align with my value-system, will be a *balancing act. It almost reminds me of 13. The Death card in the tarot that states: “Out with the old, on with the new,” —“When one door closes, another opens,” but it’s a transition… and a slow one at that.
I just do not want something, ie: Erin and a selfish acting out incident on her part to hinder my progress. I am not that strong to where I can just put my emotions aside and pretend (denial) to not be bothered; nor do I believe this is healthy. I am really going to have to try and maintain focus and perspective.
I think that I am going to hop in the shower now even though I already took a bath today. I want to feel clean 100% and well-groomed. Then afterwords I think I will work on my budget for my 4 living options (2 of which seem most viable) and lists, ie: grocery, to buy/return, etc. some more. The goal is to eventually have everything I need arranged and organized in such a manner to where I can access everything easily and efficiently, and save on costs. It is important for me to be able to have my own space and have things run efficiently while enjoying life.
Tonight is Super Bowl night and everyone is coming over to drink. Erin was quick to remind me that there would be much alcohol downstairs tonight. I am not looking forward to this evening the least bit and cannot understand why people insist that fun involves alcohol. Why not soda and popcorn? Heck, or even juice and celery?! I do not understand why people do not have well-developed values and am impatient with stupidity. I really want to surround myself with value-minded individuals who are working towards similar goals and share similar interests.
I’m feeling very vulnerable and raw right now. I strained my the left side of my neck and back today learning how to box :( After boxing I hopped in the pool and within an hour it started hurting bad.
Chris and I played basketball in the pool. It’s funny because we had gone out to practice boxing, and I had just sent Ashley a link to this journal… and well, the minute we stepped outside, there were two people, a guy and a girl –younger couple, in the pool playing basketball!
My jaw dropped, and I was like “Aww, ‘Love and Basketball,’ is one of Ashley’s favorite movies, and I thought it was a huge coincidence how they were playing when I had literally just contacted Ash and actually mentioned her to Chris yesterday about how we used to play ball in the pool.
Anyway, so here I am inside, laying in bed, in pain, thinking of my strained neck and back, the situation with Erin, and Ashley. Of course I have unresolved grief… a good string of it, but that doesn’t take away the feelings of missing a good friend (Ashley) I had… I respected Ash.
It’s so hard to find someone respectful of themselves it seems, and especially someone who has a good head on their shoulders. For how I grew up Ashley had a pretty good head on her shoulders. She was always positive and optimistic and always knew how to have a good time and get through things. I supposed I am pretty strong, too, but Ash was a trooper.
To make a long story short, Ashley and I dated for 3-4 months, and I broke up with her to get back together with my ex. My ex had cheated on me right before I met Ash… so I wasn’t fully over her, and Ash wasn’t over her gf (both Ash and I had both just gotten out of relationships) and my gf after 3-4 months of seeing Ashley and I together couldn’t take it and wanted to get back together.
She swore that she had changed and stated that she “needed” me, was “sorry,” etc, and because I had not taken the time to grieve her, I still had grief, which confused me… so, to say the least, I ended up getting back with her. She did end up cheating on me again with the very same person, but that’s another story!
So I broke Ashley’s heart… it was the biggest mistake of my life, but I definitely learned from it, and it made me into a new person. I mean that in every sense of the word. I changed. Fully and completely. If I were a boy, you can say that this woman changed me into a man.
Anyway, I need to rest.
I am having a difficult time with this breakup with Erin… I am sad, lonely, and depressed. I am pouty, and isolate… I’m stricken with grief. I have basically lost contact with all of my friends since being in this relationship. Many people have told me that Erin was emotionally abusive…
At any rate, I am all alone, and I feel all alone. I draw on the strength of Ashley when Ashley is not around. I will think about her and remember what it was like to have a healthy, fun, enjoyable relationship…
Still, there is loneliness that my heart cannot dispel, and pain so deep that even a miner couldn’t reach! Honestly though… my soul hurts, and all I want is to be cuddled up to Erin at this moment…
What’s funny though is Erin is not “there;” she never has been (beyond the 3-month mark) and she likely never will be… so there is technically nothing “there,” and I don’t know why I keep convincing myself. Maybe because Erin keeps coming onto me… it makes me feel like there is hope.
What is “hope” though anymore, honestly? I honestly cannot help but wonder… because so little seems to make sense or matter anymore… I keep finding myself in the same kind of unhealthy relationships.
I want to fully recover from this codependency and get myself in a good place financially and mind-body-spirit to where I can have a healthy relationship and be able to have a family. I know that seems heavy, but it’s true. I really want to have stability and security, a family, and fun.
I wish that Ash would get a hold of me. She was a good friend to me. She would always check-up on me every few months, particularly when I was dating Annie… Annie was the most abusive relationship I’d ever been in. Ash was there. She was far away, but she was always there.
She has disapeared on me now and leads a different lifestyle. She has not contacted me in months, and the last time that I talked to her she said some really mean stuff… I don’t understand personalities… and why people change. I don’t understand what goes on inside the mind to cause people to lash out sometimes…
I have always been truthful and honest with Ash, and yet it seems to make no difference to her. Maybe she is still upset over what happened years ago… she always seemed to look at me differently since. But I swear, I am a changed person, and I mean that with all due respect. I mean that in the strictest sense, and that is a conviction of mine.
Still, it sadly holds no weight, and I sit here with out my best friend… and yes, in many ways Ashley felt like my best friend… even though we hadn’t been physically in the same location for a few years because I moved, and even though we weren’t together any longer… she was still a best friend to me, and someone I felt could see eye-to-eye.
I was always very protective over Ashley. I loved Ashley… with all of my heart. I loved Erin, too, but in a different way. I think love has many facets… many degrees. I also think that there are many levels of respect. I respected Ashley… I trusted her. Trust is huge, and I could trust her.
I could not trust Erin. Sadly, I couldn’t. I wanted to, but I couldn’t, because she (like Sarah) would continually lie to me. I never understood this phenomenon. Ashley and I had developed mutual respect… I was just too immature at that time to really appreciate what we had. I was immature because I did not properly grieve Sarah, and I allowed myself to move into a relationship with Ash.
As I said, Ash and I had both just gotten out of relationships… and we started off friends, with no intention of getting together, and it just worked out that way… but worse came to worse, and I broke her heart because of this unresolved grief. This wasn’t fair to her, and I feel terribly sorry.
I want to talk to Ashley again… to see her. Last year I offered to fly her out to Colorado for a psychology conference… I thought she would really love it. I had saved money, and I wanted to take her. She told me I was “nuts.” Ash has never reacted that way… and I will be honest, it really hurt, and surprised me that she acted this way.
I would do anything for my friends, especially friends whom I can trust and hold a special place in my heart. I am generous and more than willing to treat somebody to something like that. And I just wanted to see her as friends, and that’s the truth… I had no other intention. I wanted to make her smile.
I guess we all get “hard” throughout the years when we’re hurt… we get jaded… but “not my Ash,” I always said. Unfortunately it was my Ash. I don’t really know my Ash anymore… she has removed herself from a relationship with me. The last time I talked to her she was telling me about this guy, Adam, who was pretty much “identical” to me (she couldn’t get over it), and I added him on facebook because I wanted to show her that I support her and her decision, and she freaked out, de-friended me, and hasn’t talked to me since.
I’m sorry that she reacted this way. I do not know why she reacted this way, but I was being completely honest in that I was trying to support her. To be supportive of her and there for her… I wasn’t going to say anything to this man, and this is the truth. I wanted to show her that I cared, and that I would be there to support any decision she made.
Anyway, the last two years I have experienced several significant losses… including the loss of my therapist, who I actually fired. She totally was self-serviing and unlicensed and commited some major ethical boundary violations, but that’s another story… I will not go into details.
I have learned to just bite the bullet… to attempt to “move on” from these losses… the truth is, I never really moved on… Ashley, yes, in many ways I grieved the relationship we had, but the friendship I have not grieved, and I am still actively hurting from it. I am hurting because there is no closure… and because her actions were really hurtful…
AUTHOR - PSYCHIC - SPEAKER - COACH 