Crazy coincidences…

So curiosity has struck me because I keep seeing “Illinois” plates EVERYWHERE, and Erin suggested that it might be Ashley “thinking” about me.  This started on Memorial Day, and it’s been nuts – like, they will randomly jump out in front of me and are literally EVERYWHERE.  Anyway, so tonight, I can’t remember what prompted me, I googled Ashley’s name and stuff with her mother came up.  Before I go there, I wanted to say that it said Ash lives in Chicago… “Mylife” pretty much reveals everywhere you have lived… it even mentioned that Ash lived in Wisconsin..

So a few things… first off, I think it is very eerie that Ashley’s mom was on the news a couple years ago and traded in her silver dollars… when I literally collect them and buy them off people.  I literally (call it “luck” or what – actually, I think it’s karma, because I had some stolen from me in the past) paid $22 for 3 of them, and they together are worth $2,000.  The guy at the Fairgrounds said that he thought they were “fake,” but they turned out to be real!

Anyway, so here’s the news article I found with Teresa (Ash’s mother) selling them:  She got ripped off MAJORLY by the way, but that’s another story.  I collect them, and I would have given her $50 a piece for them!  Some of them can be worth good money.

Excited by what I had discovered, I bravely and likely in vain, sent Teresa a Facebook message that reads:

  • Emily A Cox
  • 21 minutes ago

    • Teresa,

      Hey, I saw your news article on the news. I actually buy silver dollar coins for $50 a piece. It looks like you sold quite a few! If you get anymore, I will buy them off of you.

      I hope you have been doing well, there are some great changes at Twkyenham! The pool is about to open, and I am super excited!

      I had a dream that you got a house! I hope you are doing well, and enjoying your new place.

      -Emily A Cox”

Anyway, then the saddest thing came up… and I have been thinking about, and have actually thought about this, several times… Ashley’s dearest grandmother… she passed away… exactly what I was afraid of.  Article:

I want to apologize to Ashley for not being there… I didn’t have any idea she had passed sine Ashley cut me off right around the time of this article… if I had known that, I would have literally, flown to this funeral and been there with Ashley.  I am not exaggerating; I would do anything for that woman, and to support her… her grandmother was such a beautiful, nice, strong woman.  She died around the time Ashley and I met… “March.”  Granted, 8 years later.  Still, I do not remember the last time that I heard from Ashley…

The last conversation I had with her was while I was at the mall in New Jersey with Erin shopping for Mac’s… we had gone to the Mac store, then to the Disney store (for Erin), then to a food equipment store, and I had called Ashley somewhere in between… I think in the Disney store… and I had told her that I would be going to South Korea to teach English.  I am not sure of the month, but I honestly think it was right around the time her grandmother had passed… I had/have never heard from Ashley since, except that she no longer wanted to talk with me should my “feelings” come between her and a “future” relationship.

I wish I had the email from Ashley that she sent me departing our own ways, but I don’t… I closed the account… I might actually have it in a blog, I would have to check… Irregardless, I am shocked to learn that her grandmother passed, and I am more saddened than anything to have not been able to be a part of Ashley’s support during this trying phase, especially since she was there when my father passed away.

Article #2:

I just signed the guestbook… I will probably go and pay my respects and put flowers on her grave soon.

Some errie coincidences are coming up with this search… As I posted in a previous entry, I had a dream that Teresa bought a house… well, on one of the searches it says a house was either sold or purchased on April 21st 2012 to Teresa via Majestic Homes – IF it’s the same Teresa!  Weird weird weird… I do not have a connection like this with anyone else… the only two other experiences I have had were with my stray cat, “Buckeye,” 15 years ago and my ex, Jen… so strange.  Only Ashley.

THEN the woman who baptized me (My mother’s BEST friend) comes up: Dr. Sally Downham Miller – AEI Speakers Bureau, still in the “Teresa” search… what the hell! …ofall people!  Creepy!  Yeah… “Majestic HOME” sale:

2450 Estancia Lane Majestic Custom Homes of Lafayette Inc. Teresa A. Hull 3/15/2012 Lafayette $155,450.00 $300.00

2450 Estancia Lane… I am sorry, but this cannot get any creepier.  I dream of this woman… well, Ashley, not her mother, obviously ;)  …although, as I said, I dreamt that she purchased a house… in fact, I honestly want to go back and see when I dreamt it, because it may (actually, it was) right around the time that she purchased it!  I mean, I have had dreams of Ashley, where I am screaming her name… like, waking up and screaming her name.  I had one dream like this, and it was extremely powerful and intense.

I also had a dream that Ashley was coming to visit home, and sure enough, she did!  …the next day!  Erin swears we are meant to be.  Anyway, I have to go check this out.  As for everything else going on, a lot.  Re-instated, I picked up a part-time job to help supplement some money until South Korea next year :)  1 year in Korea, and I should be in a much better financial position!

Okay, ta ta!

4/21/12 – Ashley and her mother dream

There are numbers that play again and again… last night I dreamnt of her.  This wouldn’t be the first time… Elliot Yamin, The Notebook, Titantic… all those things.  Anyway, I dreamnt last night that her mom got a divorce and bought a new house.  My deceased grandfather was even in the dream and the “Somebody I used to know” song by Goyte in the beginning.  Ashley and I didn’t talk at first because she was still stuck on gaining her mom’s approval, and her mom didn’t talk to me at first, but I slowly made conversation, and eventually she talked to me.  Ashley also eventually came around because her mom liked me.  Her mom and I talked about Alanon and going to church!  I think that’s funny because I actually left a book on her doorstep that’s Christian, but a book that women in Alanon use!   It was an attempt to finally make peace between us and a sign of respect and sincerity. Anyway, it was very interesting and touching… I saw Ashley in the dream and thought she was beautiful, and I respected her and was very graceful.  I truly cherished her.  Her mother learned to open up to me and started talking to me about things, and it was the beginning stages of her accepting that I might just actually be a good person (before, she always thought I was this huge bull-dyke who turned her daughter gay).

The dream moved me and opened up some doors.

Valentine’s Day dream…

I had another dream about Ashley last night.  We were in a Victorian claw-foot bathtub together.  There were two of the tubs lined up side by side, long-wise.  Ash and I were in the tub in the back, and Erin was sitting to the right of us outside of the bathtub looking at us.  We were all talking.  The water was running in both tubs, and there was a black dog… a small Shit-zu in the front tub.  I was sitting behind Ashley in the rear tub and softly rubbing the top of her back around the shoulder area.  Erin knew how Ashley and I felt about each other.  I was appreciating Ashley and everything was innocent.  I couldn’t, for instance, see her lower half, or even my own – only each other’s shoulder’s.  The neck and shoulder region were the main focus, and I cherished her.  Erin was admiring our love for one another which was very innocent and sincere.

The Shit-zu which was in clear view of where we were sitting kept swimming around the tub.  The dog then hopped in our tub and swam towards the back and got stuck under the water faucet.  I remember gracefully and abruptly moving around Ashley to save it’s life.

It might seem strange that I am posting my private thoughts like this, but I needed a place to share what’s inside.  I understand this is private, but my written journal isn’t any less private.  It’s just easier to type my thoughts up, and my goal is to write daily.  I tried doing this a while ago and am going to try it again because I am always having thoughts come to mind.

I also wanted to say that I want Ashley back in my life as a friend in real life.  We were (are) so similar.  I am reminded of the time that she kept a journal with letters, etc. to me and threw it out before I had come home from the Navy.  Anyway, this is my journal to her, mainly, among some other things, ie: my health, etc.  I just wanted (needed) to get it out there, so here it goes…

Anyway, the dream shook me up a little… it’s the second one I’ve had in the past week.  The first time I dreamt of Ashley in a while was when she actually came to visit the next day.  Her mother lives in the same apartment complex as me, and I actually dreamt that Ashley was coming to visit her ex, Crystal, in the dream.  Nevertheless, she was coming here, and I guess I knew it subconsciously… Until then, I hadn’t dreamt of her in a while.

April 27th, 2011. An intuitive’s mind/business endeavors.

On an errand Erin and I were making last night, while driving, and passing between some not-so-good neighborhoods, at night with only street-lights to light the way, I for some reason thought of Ashley.  She crossed my mind, and I thought to myself, or rather felt — perhaps both, “I would be okay living in this ghetto (if I had to) as long as I had someone to love, someone who I knew cared, someone to compliment me, someone who shares my spirit, ie: Ashley.”  Obviously, literally-speaking I do not want to live in a ghetto and never would, but I guess my point was that I could if I was happy in love.  I could work every day of my life and just live for that… to go home to the woman I cherish.

I can’t describe the warmth I felt in my momentary “imagination,” driving in the dark after a huge fight with Erin where she’s calling me names — every name in the book.  I cannot help but imagine the warmth, the care, concern, and support.  I would die twice to have a woman who loved me, who was supportive of my interests, who’s respectful of me, and who shows the time.

You know, I told myself yesterday that I will be okay being with Erin, or someone like Erin, who does not have all of the same interests as me.  That’s what friends are for, right?  Hopefully I am not in denial by saying that.  It is not always that I have clarity.  In Vermont I had clarity 90% of the time, but here in the city I simply cannot hear the call.  I am not grounded here and find it very hard to really sit still and listen.

I am trying to figure out what it is that I want to do work-wise in addition to coaching.  I need to do something more because working solo isn’t cutting it for me.  I would like to work for and with a business to help move things and get the ball rolling… I am interested in knowing what the vision and mission is and realigning things to meet it.  I would like to be able to try out and experiment with different approaches to “make it happen.”  I am interested in improving.  I would like to work with the structure — to improve it and its efficiency and work directly with its people to train, educate, reward, etc.  I am a systems — both persons and people person!  I am wondering if business development may be of interest to me.

I am talking with an individual today at 1PM who knows all about this stuff and he’s going to give me some pointers — he is also a life coach and pretty credible.  I too need to somehow establish some credibility — someway, somehow.

April 25th, 2011. Coaching session today! Dream with Judy…

I have a coaching session in one hour.  Anyway, I wanted to share a song.  I had a dream last night that my mother was dominating and overtaking my life.  I was in school in a dream, and she was questioning me and completely undermining me.  She did not believe what I said and so she went to my teacher, and I was really embarrassed.  She didn’t even believe the teacher.  Anyway, I felt overwhelmed, and when I woke up, this song came to my mind…

“Starless” by Crossfade.

If only you could watch me fall
I cannot feel it anymore
The soul you cut the soul you adore
Cannot feel you anymore
Cause you’ve run through me with destructive force
I think somehow I gotta get it straight
I gotta get you out of me
But I cannot get through to you

See me I’m down and I get deeper with every breath
See me I’m over the edge farther with every step
See me I’m down and I get deeper with every breath
Standing over the edge I’m taking my last breath

How I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to fade now
And how I feel like I’m starless
I’m hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to fade now
And now I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to burn out

I can transcend you and mentally bend you
But I can’t handle the shit that I’m into
I have been blinded and always reminded
Of the things I’ve wanted but I never could find
I am a part of a world that I hate I wish the
End would come faster my world’s a disaster
Can’t you see that I’m down and I’m drowning
And I can’t keep my head above my wake

I gotta get you out of my veins
I gotta get you out of my blood
I gotta get you out of my scene
I gotta get you out of me

What I’m really trying hard to get down to words
Is the way I fit into this world
Things I survived pushed me to the darker side
Because of life as it was the life that was yours
Should have been mine
But I never could take anymore of this
Cause I’m always gonna get down to the floor
It’s a cold gun that I kiss
‘Cause I cannot break anymore

Somehow I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to fade now
That’s how I feel when I’m starless
I’m hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to burn out oh
Now I’m starless

April 13th, 2011. Dreams.

I had a dream that I loved her deeply… that I had an affinity towards her.  I also think it’s funny that people reading this assume this is coming from the perspective of a “female.”  We are so locked into this concept of gender that it ends up limiting us and separating us from a universal consciousness.  At any rate, the dream was profound.

April 9th, 2011. Youtube cutting off my videos!

I regret to inform everyone, but both of my videos recorded today youtube has cut off.  Additionally, youtube cut off the video before the last which is why I did not post it.  I have tried re-uploading these videos at least 5 times each, at different times and even on different days, and youtube still insists on cutting them off by 4 minutes so that the videos are only a little over a minute!  I am so sorry… I don’t know what else to do…

March 24th, 2011. The Vision — Will Carry Me.

People can think whatever they want about me, but the prejudice and adversity just causes me to prevail.  In other words, minus my health, I am not very discouraged by adversity and tribulation.  In fact, I consider myself to be resilient.  For the most part, I can easily bounce back from disappointments.

The vision I hold for myself is what fuels me. 

I believe that when the time is right I will go at it full-fledged.  I know that I have what it takes inside to accomplish anything I desire to achieve, but I also do believe in a certain element of fate, and accordingly, I believe that there is a time and place for certain things.  I am trying right now to heal carefully and not push my body beyond its physical limitations at any given moment, lest my chances of living a healthy, vital life are compromised.

Some — a small number of people that I have spoken with believe that I am living in a “fantasy” world with my vision and need to get “out” there.  I have tried to explain to them that the system/structure must be set in motion before I can proceed to carry out my plan.  I understand that the structure I create will not be flawless, as I do not believe in the idea of “perfection,” and I acknowledge that it will need adjustments, and I am aware of this; however, I am trying my best to devise it to the best of my ability before attempting to execute it.

Martin Luther King lead by Vision, and he has, for the longest time, been a role model of mine.  He has character and morals similar to my own.  Granted, I am much younger than him and also from a different time era, but we share similar values.  At any rate, we both shared an embodied vision of our future and both share a single-minded, determination in carrying out that vision.

I will work until my very last breath to fulfill this vision, for not ever having had it in my life accompanied by a spiritual nature is what drives me and fuels the fire.  I have a larger vision for myself and my family.  I am a simple person with simple needs and an intensely rich inner life.  I am interested in only the simplest but the richest ways of  living, from filling my body with nourishing, wholesome fruits and vegetables to getting adequate, quality sleep to meditating and exercising.



Life, fire, water, air, and earth.  I need little in life but the basics and a few close friends.  My priorites are definitely being defined, and I am being shaped every minute.  I am interested in what’s important, not in maintain a superficial, artificial life.  I will harness my energies and prepare to release these energies adequately.  Once I have completely defined what I want I will simplify it, taking something very complicated and watering it down, but nevertheless not losing its quality or rich “nutrients.”

There is life that lives inside of me.  There is hope.  There is strength.  There is beauty.  I am interested in restoring faith — focusing on the big picture.  My primary motive is not money – a product of the ego that gets the best of so many individuals.
I am interested in maintaining and developing relationships — bridging the gap between the hearts of others and making peace.  I am a pacifist at heart.  Integrity is my God and honesty my strength.  I am interested in preservation– preserving the roots of community – immediate family and extended loved ones.

March 3rd, 2011. NAVY.

Sometimes I wish that I had stayed in the NAVY…

I sure earned a lot of physical fitness awards in school. I also have a good weight standing.

I really wish that I had continued… if it was not for the death of my father, I would have stayed in. I needed my family. I was grieving, and it was a bad time. My recruit officer had suggested I wait, and I didn’t listen, thinking I could handle it after my dad’s death, but I couldn’t… finding him dead traumatized me, but I was determined at that time to not let it interfere with my career goals. I wanted to make him, my family, and myself proud. I let myself and others down in the worst way. At any rate, I wish that I had re-enlisted a few years ago.

February 3rd, 2011. 3 Dreams: Beach/Swimming/Lifeguards and Beach/Sand-Sinking/Church.

Last night I dreamt of these 3 dreams/scenes…

I was falling off the edge… I had gone out my window onto the deck outside of my house and the railing fell off.  The next thing I knew, the deck itself had collapsed.  I remember thinking and feeling the sensation, “I am going to fall and die” unless I can “jump” over and grab a hold of the side of the window, and “who knows if it will even hold me up.”  The house by the way had wooden siding.  For whatever reason my mom and my sister came to mind, and I remember thinking worst-case scenario, “they’re going to find me dead.”  I jumped over to the ledge of the house, and I was fortunate enough to grab it.  I pulled myself up into the window and found safety.  I remember thinking when I got inside that that would have been really scary for someone who did not have that dexterity, moreover, physical strength to pull themselves in the window and how they would have dropped and died.  The whole thing was very frightening, but I made it :)

There was sand… and beach… There was an ocean… There were lifeguards… and people… it was sunny and bright.  Erin and I were going to go swimming but someone said that the beach was closing… that it only stays open until 12 every day and so if we wanted to come then we’d have to come then.  We had driven a couple hours maybe to get there?  I remember thinking and saying to Erin, “Yeah, we’ll plan for this and come back!”  The dream then switched to another “side” of the beach… somewhere more remote… and instead of there being tons of people, it was just Erin and I.  Erin and I were inside some place and she slid back this sliding door (we were inside somewhere) and jumped out in the sand.  I tried to tell her to be careful, and as I was saying it, she jumped out.  She sank a little… up to her knees.  I knew that the sand looked dangerous and sinkable, but she didn’t wait to jump.  She was still safe nonetheless.  Erin and I talked about how the place used to be an old church… you could see, right off the shoreline where the ocean was 2 old light brown wooden church benches…. Then a 3rd cut in half.  There were dark brown steeples but everything was dilapidating… it was all ruins… an old church.  So what stood out:  Sand, ocean, ruins of an old church.   The “church” (ruins) were outside by the way… in the water… there were waves softly crashing… everything was open…. Ie, in open spaces.

The dream then switched to Erin and I being inside some building, and there was Ryan (her co-worker), another guy to his right, Erin, me, and someone else behind me.  Ryan was on the computer and Erin went up to it.  Erin and Ryan started talking softly among each other, and I went up to Erin and put my hands on the back of her barstool chair, and I said, “What are you doing?”  They had been working out a deal of some sort… negotiating.  They were talking a little money and Ryan was saying things along the lines of “Can you get me some,” etc. –negotiating!  On the screen was a picture of a gray carton of 15 eggs with blue writing… bulk eggs.  Something you would buy at BJ’s.  Erin said they were talking about eggs.  I remember thinking “Ryan and Erin do each other favors, and now it looks as though it’s her turn lol”

I woke up with the song by Red called “Shadows” in my head… I am not sure if it played in the dream, or if I just woke up with it in my head, but regardless, it should be taken into account because it was connected to my subconscious for whatever reason.

“Shadows” by Red.

Sunset, I close my eyes
I pretend everything’s alright
Drowning in anger from all these lies
I can’t pretend everything’s alright
Please don’t let me fall forever
Can you tell me it’s over?

There’s a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can’t find the answer
I’m holding onto you, I’ll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

Caught in the darkness, I go blind
But can you help me find my way out?
Nobody hears me, I suffer the silence
Can you tell me it’s over now?

There’s a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can’t find the answer
I’m holding onto you, I’ll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

I’m holding onto you [x2]
There’s a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can’t find the answer
I’m holding onto you, I’ll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

January 28th, 2011. Dream w/family (cousins included), beach, & Jen’s backpack.

I dreamt last night of my family (including cousins) and some of my ex’s… Jen… Amanda… and possibly Erin.  I faintly remember being with my family on vacation somewhere…. we were inside of this vacation rental and there were a bunch of cots.  I remember seeing Jen’s backpack –it was bright orange and gray and she was dating someone as usual.  I remember in the dream really feeling her carefree, light-hearted, zesty, spontaneous personality — it was nice.  I woke up missing her and feeling nostalgic for having dreamt of my family and especially being on vacation with my family.

Outside of our vacation rental was a shore line– either lake or beach.  I faintly remember chasing a sneaker along the shore line that was getting swept away by the tide.  The family, ex’s, and I were outside enjoying the sun and water.  I remember someone’s sneaker who I was in charge of protecting fleeing into the ocean, and I called out to my family –whoever was in the water, to grab it before it was swept away!  I can’t remember which of my family members were in the water, but I know for a fact that my cousin Ashley was, and she had falsely accused me of doing something with one of her sandals that I didn’t do or even touch, and I remember feeling shitty in the dream and thinking, “I always am scapegoated.”

The song below was echoing in my mind when I awoke.

Digital Summer-  Rescue Me

So maybe I’m the one that needed saving
Someone to rescue me from myself
And now the memories are slowy fading
Wish I could see me through the eyes of someone else

I remember the look in your eyes
When you were reaching out to me
And I tried to help you
But now im haunted by the hero that I couldn’t be

So maybe I’m the one that needed saving
Someone to rescue me from myself
And now the memories are slowy fading
Wish I could see me through the eyes of someone else

I drown out my thoughts now
As pathetic as it may seem
So just take it away now, help me forget how
I just stood there frozen by your screams

I know I shouldn’t blame myself
For what I cannot control
It seems so impossible to ever let this go

So maybe I’m the one that needed saving
Someone to rescue me from myself
And now the memories are slowy fading
Wish I could see me through someone else
Maybe I’m the one that needed saving
Can you help me now
Trapt in this life with no way out
Sometimes I wish I was someone else
Someone else

January 27th, 2011. Last night’s “dream…” Erin’s “class.”

I had a dream last night that I initially wanted to say was “disturbing,” but reality-wise, it was unsettling.  When I think of “disturbing,” I think of something dark, scary, and threatening to one’s sense of safety… my dream was not like this, but it was dis-settling and shocking.

My dream last night:

In my dream, Erin and I were both teaching.  It turned out that I couldn’t teach for the day– my class was canceled for some reason, and so I went to Erin’s “class” and a bunch of people- men and women of all ages were there and were coming in.  We were all sitting in a circle-like fashion.  Erin was sitting to the left of me.  All of a sudden someone stood up and announced, “This is a lesbian lovers ACA-something (I think “lovers/singles” but am not positive) meeting!”  I was upset because it had shocked me that Erin was not really teaching a “class” and instead was hosting a lesbian meeting!  I was also upset because I thought that all people of all ages/sex should be allowed to come and that the men, which may have been trans-gender, etc. should be allowed to stay.

I looked to my left shortly after this announcement was made, and Erin had disappeared.  I remember texting her a few times and calling her, and I kept getting her voicemail… I then remember going to my right and going just killing time and looking/waiting for her.  I thought that maybe she had just gone to the bathroom or to take care of something.

The dream soon switched to an outdoors scene/arena, but right beforehand, I recall looking at my cell phone, which was a new “Blackberry” but looked nothing like my new one, –the letters on a couple of the keys on the left-side of the phone were red and green had completely faded right in front of my eyes to where I could not see what I was texting.  Since the phone was new,  I was unable to text, and I had no way of getting a hold of Erin.

The “class” then switched to an outdoors scene, and there was snow and ice (like the weather outside right now, literally).  I was thrown into this outdoor seating area of lesbians… the size of a hug lecture hall; there were maybe 200-300 lesbians, and they were still arriving!  Erin was now “Sarah.”  In other words, Erin was still Erin, and I was looking for Erin physically, but her name had switched to “Sarah,” my ex.  I was looking all over now amongst hundreds of people for Erin and could not spot her.  I was sure now that she had ran off with someone…

The next thing I knew, I was on this sled which was fueled by gasoline because I was able to drive it like a car.  It was a small sled-like car.  Everyone had to introduce themselves to everyone there, and it was my turn.  I remember grabbing the sled-car’s steering wheel with my left hand and cruising around all fast and sort of showing off because I was driving with only one hand like I used to when I was 16, but I had one mission, and that was to find Erin.  So I was “introducing” myself to people, but I was not really “there” –I was on ‘automaton,’ because in the back of my mind, I was looking for Erin.  I think that Erin had turned into “Sarah” in the dream because of the similarities between the two of them… the whole sneaky curious thing….

At any rate, it broke my heart.  There was a song playing in the dream called “The sound of goodbye” by Armin Van Buren.  The lyrics are very short, and are as follows:

“Every face I see
Is cold as ice
Everything i touch is pale
Ever since i lost imagination
Like a stream that flows into the sea
I am lost for all eternity
Ever since you took your love away from me
Some times the sound of goodbye
Is louder than any drumbeat

The lyric that I kept hearing in the dream that I heard loudly, that stood out from the rest of the song, I’ve bolded.  I think I was devastated at what happened.