Confirmed – She is gone


Confirmed – she moved.  I am really upset and pissed off about it.  I don’t understand it… but I think it’s a complete coincidence that she (technically her mother) has lived here for literally 10+ years and suddenly when we move in, she moves out.  I saw Ashley, and the next thing I know is her and her mother moved out.  Whatever.

I am feeling a sadness in my chest right now knowing this.  I don’t understand why her “Welcome” mat is still here and her dead, dried plants.  It just makes me mad.  I feel like everyone cuts me off.  Am I some bad omen or what?  I am not trying to be negative, but I’m sick of feeling this way.  “Someday I will make enough money to give back to the community – they won’t look at me then,” I think to myself.  For now, now “I’m just a “nobody.”

I mean, really, everyone and their brother have cut me off, and I don’t understand why, but I am not some freak nor psycho so I don’t understand it… 90% of the people don’t even give an explanation.  In the last month, I have been cut off by Crystal (Ashley’s ex, who I hooked Ashley up with) who I have stayed in contact with since 2003, Amanda (who was my ex girlfriend and also my first girlfriend and best friend) who I’ve known since 1996, Jessy (My best friend senior year of high school and the first 2 years of college), Jen (My ex, out of nowhere as well, when I even offered to help her when she was homeless), etc… the list literally goes on and on.

I just feel like I moved here 2 years too late.  I sit here and think “I shouldn’t have spent that year- year and a half in Philly; I should have spent it here.”  All I want is to be friends with Ashley again… we have been friends, but then she cut me off out of nowhere, writing me an email saying she can’t be friends with me if I still have feelings for her because it may jeopardize the “next relationship” she is in.  O.K. Ashley.  I’m sorry, but that doesn’t make any sense, because she still had feelings for me!

Ashley would call me up telling me she met a guy “just” like me… and would go on and on, obsessively… She would also call me up periodically to check-in with me to be sure I was doing okay… yes, while she was with people.  She (and I) have always cared about one another, and that has not changed… I don’t understand the big mood change.  Her ex girlfriend thinks it’s for approval… ie, to gain the approval of her mother.  That wouldn’t surprise me.  Her mother is sick like mine, and even though Ashley is an adult, she is still actively trying to gain the approval of her mother.  She lost it with her father years ago… her father was a coward.

Anyway, I just don’t know what to think anymore… and I know I will get over this, and that life will go on, but I feel like now any chance that I may have had at all to be friends with her again, or to make amends, etc. has been shattered and blown.  “I know the feeling of finding yourself stuck out on the edge.”  -Nickelback.  Her mom (like Amanda’s “mom”) kept us apart years ago… we needed each other, and she kept us apart.  It never fails in my life that I lose people I love.

This explains it…

 

I don’t know who to be mad at… myself or her.  “Maybe I should just ‘forget’ about her,” I say to myself.  Yeah, I don’t think it works like that… Heck, “I could buy the girl a car,” I think to myself, and it wouldn’t make a damn bit of a difference.  I honestly don’t know what crawled up her ass, and I’m not in any way trying to be insulting, but how can you take a friendship that lasted for years and do this… just leave someone hanging.  Again, listen to the Nickelback “Lullaby” song.

By the way, I blasted that “Lullaby” song when it was fairly new and first came out when I first realized Ashley still lived here.  I played it nice and loud hoping that she would hear (Nickelback is her favorite band).  I feel like we’re missing out on so many experiences…  I will be living my life and then suddenly she will pop into my mind… And I will remember for a second what it felt like to be alive with someone… I have felt alive plenty of times, on my own, with my Higher Power, but with Ashley, it was with someone… someone who understood me.

April 3, 2012. Sad news.


So I am feeling really depressed right now.  Or maybe extremely “blah” is another word.  I think that Ashley and her mother moved, or to be technical, Ashley’s mom, which means I won’t see Ashley anymore, and would explain why I haven’t seen Ashley for about 6 weeks.  I saw her several times in January, and that’s about it.  Did she move because of us?  Her mother never like me because she thought I turned Ashley gay.  She called me a “dyke” all the time.  Anyway, Ashley knew we moved here because I had texted her, and she pretended as though her phone number was invalid.  Funny, I called the number and it was her voicemail, and I know better.

At any rate, she has completely ignored me for maybe about a year now?  I don’t understand… but I am more sad than anything, and I feel literally sick to my stomach now.  I haven’t seen her mother’s car in about 2 weeks, or at least 2 weeks or so ago was when it was really brought to my attention.  I am beginning to have regrets and think that maybe I should have put something on Ash’s car when she came to visit… “maybe I blew it?” Again I think…

The porch outside of her apt just looks plain… I’m not sure if anything has been removed or not, but something is definitely different.  There are two plants outside and they look all dead and dried up and are moved/pushed forward, and the storage shed has a lock that is hanging on the latch open.  Her welcome mat is still outside the door, but that doesn’t mean anything.  I am sick to my stomach, and I am sad.  I was really inspired knowing Ashley still lived here…

I had plans of getting all in shape and the hope of running into her at the pool.  I really hate this shit.  Excuse my language, but I literally feel sick to my stomach.  I have never liked change, and this just blows.  Any connection I even have remotely to Ashley is pretty much broken, too.  Sarah is not talking to me though she agreed to add me to her friend’s list, Crystal (Ash’s ex, who I actually hooked her up with) flat-out deleted me off her friend’s list for no absolute reason what-so-ever on her birthday, Jen (Ash’s ex, the first one who she was with when Ash and I actually met) says she wants to hang out all the time but never does and seems embarrassed to be my friend (she flipped out about me sharing a picture that was public of her and some of our mutual friends being dorky).

I just don’t feel like I have any other gateway “in,” and yet, I have no idea why Ashley actually cut me out of her life, but it was out of nowhere, and feelings for one another have been mutual, and not changed the least bit, so it doesn’t make any sense.

I guess life is going to have to go on… now I am going to have to take (experience) a loss.  I really hate this, and I wish so badly I could turn back the hands of time… I feel really depressed right now.

I feel alone, and all I want is to feel connected again… how am I going to get my inspiration back without her even close?  I feel like it has officially ended now, and I am sick to my stomach.

Forget the fact that we just traded our car today and have a better car, more suitable for work purposes, I completely forgot.  I don’t even want to walk anymore… outside… nothing.  My last bit of hope has just been shattered.

Reflecting on experiences…


When I look at pictures of my life, I think about how much of my life she has missed out on…

College days

I also believe in a large element of fate… I think that things happen when you let them… when you surrender (I know, this sounds like an abstract idea) what’s supposed to happen happens.  Sometimes allowing yourself to let go of an outcome can be very difficult.  I think we all want to control things in our lives to a certain degree, some more than others; for me, it’s very hard to surrender, but when I do, it’s a beautiful thing…

 

June 7th, 2011. The Contemplation of Death. Existential Matters.


You know, something we don’t think about often is death.  I keep getting the “10 of swords” and “5 of pentacles” is nearly all of my tarot readings.  Tarot plays off ones subconscious and works via quantum physics similar to the law of attraction.  The cards are not “evil” as some religious folks might believe – they are impressions in image-form.  In other words, we think certain things and have a subconscious and the images reflect this subconscious domain.

Both of these cards are dis-favorable cards, and I have drawn them more times than I can count.  The reality is my health is not in good shape and is compromised.  My ear-node pain is getting worse.  I have it in both ears, although the right side (also where my asymmetrical tonsil is located) is worse, and it gets so bad sometimes that it radiates to my upper jaw, causing a headache in back and front and then finally neck and shoulder pain.  The ear-node pain is worse when I am stressed out and cold air makes it worse, however, the pain comes and goes at any time.

All other symptoms, ie: hair loss, joint pain in hand/fingers, weight gain (and loss), fatigue (extreme), dry/red/bloodshot eyes, hot/cold flashes, occasional night sweats, etc. are so trivial compared to the ear-node pain, which on a 1-5 scale is about a 4 most of the time, sometimes hitting a 3 and other times a whopping 5.  I am too young to be having these kinds of issues.  Whatever I have going on — this “viral” illness that I came down with either in August of 2008 or Fall of 2007 (I became extremely sick both times) has caused my thyroid to stop working and one thing after another (in my body) to shut down.

At any rate, I am concerned, and I am now thinking about what would happen if I died… ie, if what I have going on is serious, ie: cancer, a tumor, etc.  The cards that have continually popped out are standing out.  “Cards” aside, I have a health issue that is progressively getting worse and nobody knows what it is.  One agency — IGENIX — a top lyme-testing lab in Palo Alto, CA, has diagnosed me with chronic lyme disease and yet the CDC (Center for Disease Control), which we all know has too “low” standards, states that I only meet 3 out of 5 criteria for lyme and so I would technically not have it.  This in and of itself is a huge controversy within the lyme community.

Needless to say, I am thinking about existential matters.  On my way home tonight from NJ after having ran errands and bought groceries I pondered, “What are the 12 things I would like to do before I die?”  ie, if you found out you had 6 months to live, what would you do?  So it has me thinking… and I know that sounds depressing, but lets be prepared for the worst-case scenario.  What do I really have here?  My things — they mean nothing; they will parish when I do.  “What matters to me?”  Death really makes you contemplate.

I cannot help but wonder how many people have had near-death experiences that have changed their lives.  Will I have one?  I can’t tell you how many psychics I’ve been to — trusted ones (my family used to go to one — Ms. Nancy Bowman) who have told me I will have a “cancer” scare — and “scare” or not, that may involve surgery, death, etc.  At any rate, it makes you think — “What is ‘life’ (this thing I have not even begun to fully experience) all about?”  “What will/would I like to do if I was going to die in 6 months and knew it?”  “What things would (will) I have experienced?”

My first thought, or one of my first thoughts was “I wish I had money (I don’t have any savings or inheritance, what can I say?) I would give it to Ashley and to Jen’s little brother, Jessy.”  I say this not because I think money has worth, but because I believe that it can get people somewhere — it can provide opportunity.  I want to see little Jessy go to college; I have desired that from him since I first saw him, because he deserves it.  At any rate, I do not have money, so what can I give?  That brings me to say “What would I do?” ie, listing 10-12 things before my life runs out.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

How often and how many of us really think about this?  At any minute any of us could come down with a terminal illness — what are the things (journal) that would want to do given your 6 months to live?

I had told Erin tonight that I would be happy just knowing that I have discovered my purpose – do you know how rare and precious of a gift that is, especially for someone my age?  My purpose is to Serve — to be a vessel, a catalyst for others — to create opportunity and prosperity.  I am interested in providing for myself, my future family, and the community — providing financial and educational opportunities.  Maybe I would have never had a chance to live out that dream; however, I am grateful for having had the clarity to discover the purpose.

I discovered my purpose while in Vermont, which was the best (most life-enhancing) experience of my life.  It really opened my eyes up, and I am thankful (gracious) to have experienced it.  I met some wonderful people and for the first time in my life can say that I discovered “family.”  We choose our family.  Anothe thing, I discovered I had choice in Vermont, and I also found (for the most part) my Voice.  I was able to express myself there for perhaps the first time and was encouraged to express myself and develop my potential.  People (the community) supported me — my interests, well-being, etc.

I will have to think about how to answer this question.  10 things

May 30th, 2011. Transition.


I am psychologically enmeshed, and I have been involved with an entire family of narcissists.  I am sure that there is a lesson in all of this, which will make itself known to me.

I lost my father when I was 19 and perhaps never quite recovered from the loss, because since, I have sought out the “security” of this loss through unhealthy relationships with addicted and psychologically disturbed individuals.  They have sucked the life out of me, and now I am about to be free though I am dreading what’s on the other “side” — the “light” more than anything, and it’s as though I have forgotten what “life” tastes like.

I cannot believe that it has been 3 years that I have been involved with Erin.  I also cannot believe that I allowed two other relationships to waste and take over (control) of my life prior to that.  I have not been happy since 2006 and have sort of been in this downward spiral of attracting nutcases.

I guess I need to be alone and grieve the many important losses — ie, my father, in my life before this destructive pattern continues.  I have hope for myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel virtually numb right now I am so much in shock.  I am so lonely and sad… I feel in many ways on some level like I deserved to be treated this way, but I know that no one deserves it, and I didn’t cause it.  I am sure I played a role and enabled at points, but I was not aware of it, and it still doesn’t make abuse on someone else’s part right.

I am not even going to ask for the support of anyone right now because of the tremendous guilt I feel right now.  I feel, like usual, like this was my fault even though I know it wasn’t.  It is hard to believe that someone can love you when they treat you in such a way.  Erin would often say one thing and do another, and the things that she would say to me, ie: “Go fuck yourself,” “Go to hell,” “I will go and ‘fuck’ whoever I want,” etc. were beyond my comprehension.

I have made a very honest attempt to be honest, and I have changed and grown up a lot, and the truth is, I have just found myself in a very bad habit of destructive relationships, and I truly believe all of these — this pattern, to be linked to the unresolved grievance of my father.

I am hurting.

April 27th, 2011. An intuitive’s mind/business endeavors.


On an errand Erin and I were making last night, while driving, and passing between some not-so-good neighborhoods, at night with only street-lights to light the way, I for some reason thought of Ashley.  She crossed my mind, and I thought to myself, or rather felt — perhaps both, “I would be okay living in this ghetto (if I had to) as long as I had someone to love, someone who I knew cared, someone to compliment me, someone who shares my spirit, ie: Ashley.”  Obviously, literally-speaking I do not want to live in a ghetto and never would, but I guess my point was that I could if I was happy in love.  I could work every day of my life and just live for that… to go home to the woman I cherish.

I can’t describe the warmth I felt in my momentary “imagination,” driving in the dark after a huge fight with Erin where she’s calling me names — every name in the book.  I cannot help but imagine the warmth, the care, concern, and support.  I would die twice to have a woman who loved me, who was supportive of my interests, who’s respectful of me, and who shows the time.

You know, I told myself yesterday that I will be okay being with Erin, or someone like Erin, who does not have all of the same interests as me.  That’s what friends are for, right?  Hopefully I am not in denial by saying that.  It is not always that I have clarity.  In Vermont I had clarity 90% of the time, but here in the city I simply cannot hear the call.  I am not grounded here and find it very hard to really sit still and listen.

I am trying to figure out what it is that I want to do work-wise in addition to coaching.  I need to do something more because working solo isn’t cutting it for me.  I would like to work for and with a business to help move things and get the ball rolling… I am interested in knowing what the vision and mission is and realigning things to meet it.  I would like to be able to try out and experiment with different approaches to “make it happen.”  I am interested in improving.  I would like to work with the structure — to improve it and its efficiency and work directly with its people to train, educate, reward, etc.  I am a systems — both persons and people person!  I am wondering if business development may be of interest to me.

I am talking with an individual today at 1PM who knows all about this stuff and he’s going to give me some pointers — he is also a life coach and pretty credible.  I too need to somehow establish some credibility — someway, somehow.

March 17th, 2011. The vision for myself and my family, just the beginning….


“I gotta get this ball rolling,” I tell myself.  Life.  Future.  Family.  Life for self and family.  Educational opportunities.  Travel.  Culture.  Experience(s).  “There is a ‘life’ out there waiting for me,” I tell myself.  “I will not let my sickness tear me down,” I tell myself.

“WE can do this — myself and my higher power.”  God will help me.

This vision will become a success for me if I listen carefully (to guidance) and know when to surrender my ego (willpower).

Family, success, travel, education, opportunity.  What I want for my family I need to be able to provide for myself.  My community means a lot to me.  My dreams, once fulfilled, will include the community at large.

Money flows.  I do not need or want a lot, and I would like for it to always be moving.  Energetically, flowing — in and out.  I am interested in using it to create resources for others (and my family).

Build a plan.  Will be myself (and family) a house.  I am honored to be a part of other’s lives.  Life itself is a precious gift.  This is the way I look at life.  I love with all of my heart.  When I trust, it’s solid.  Trust is huge — very important to me.

I work best self-employed.  Cash flow, energy.  Travel — opportunities.  Growth.  Challenge.  Advancement, Career.

To take care of my family, to sacrifice.  I want to die self-sacrificially — my family knowing I was happy, did my best, and died doing what I loved.  She may not see it, but she soon will; she will always hold a special place in my heart.

Work, work, work, build, build, build… a tower.  A fortress.  Work/family/balance.  Instill.  Live.  Donate.  Change.  Move energy.  “I am strong enough,” says the self-dialog.  Based upon truth.  I was always honest with her.

Self-rescue mission.  Mission NOT impossible.  Mission is to live out plan.  Vision.  To carry out vision.  To envision and carry out, step-by-step approach.  To pursue, life-long jevity.  I will be making a list of those I owe and including it in my “plan” to pay each and every one of them off.

I am interested in living a successful and abundant life, free where I can travel and create opportunity, to inspire, give hope and inspiration.  To see.  What others do not.  My card, “17 The Star,” I am made, chosen to create.  I have been chosen.  I will give, selflessly of myself and my time, balancing resources and energy.

Family + Community mean the most to me.  To thrive.  To instill.  To provide life — life is precious.  Opportunities are like a squeezed lemon; do not waste them!  Seize every opportunity in life that is beneficial and in line-accordance with your beliefs and vision for yourself and your future.

“Make it your day –”  It’s your life, create it!