Confirmed – she moved. I am really upset and pissed off about it. I don’t understand it… but I think it’s a complete coincidence that she (technically her mother) has lived here for literally 10+ years and suddenly when we move in, she moves out. I saw Ashley, and the next thing I know is her and her mother moved out. Whatever.
I am feeling a sadness in my chest right now knowing this. I don’t understand why her “Welcome” mat is still here and her dead, dried plants. It just makes me mad. I feel like everyone cuts me off. Am I some bad omen or what? I am not trying to be negative, but I’m sick of feeling this way. “Someday I will make enough money to give back to the community – they won’t look at me then,” I think to myself. For now, now “I’m just a “nobody.”
I mean, really, everyone and their brother have cut me off, and I don’t understand why, but I am not some freak nor psycho so I don’t understand it… 90% of the people don’t even give an explanation. In the last month, I have been cut off by Crystal (Ashley’s ex, who I hooked Ashley up with) who I have stayed in contact with since 2003, Amanda (who was my ex girlfriend and also my first girlfriend and best friend) who I’ve known since 1996, Jessy (My best friend senior year of high school and the first 2 years of college), Jen (My ex, out of nowhere as well, when I even offered to help her when she was homeless), etc… the list literally goes on and on.
I just feel like I moved here 2 years too late. I sit here and think “I shouldn’t have spent that year- year and a half in Philly; I should have spent it here.” All I want is to be friends with Ashley again… we have been friends, but then she cut me off out of nowhere, writing me an email saying she can’t be friends with me if I still have feelings for her because it may jeopardize the “next relationship” she is in. O.K. Ashley. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t make any sense, because she still had feelings for me!
Ashley would call me up telling me she met a guy “just” like me… and would go on and on, obsessively… She would also call me up periodically to check-in with me to be sure I was doing okay… yes, while she was with people. She (and I) have always cared about one another, and that has not changed… I don’t understand the big mood change. Her ex girlfriend thinks it’s for approval… ie, to gain the approval of her mother. That wouldn’t surprise me. Her mother is sick like mine, and even though Ashley is an adult, she is still actively trying to gain the approval of her mother. She lost it with her father years ago… her father was a coward.
Anyway, I just don’t know what to think anymore… and I know I will get over this, and that life will go on, but I feel like now any chance that I may have had at all to be friends with her again, or to make amends, etc. has been shattered and blown. “I know the feeling of finding yourself stuck out on the edge.” -Nickelback. Her mom (like Amanda’s “mom”) kept us apart years ago… we needed each other, and she kept us apart. It never fails in my life that I lose people I love.
This explains it…
I don’t know who to be mad at… myself or her. “Maybe I should just ‘forget’ about her,” I say to myself. Yeah, I don’t think it works like that… Heck, “I could buy the girl a car,” I think to myself, and it wouldn’t make a damn bit of a difference. I honestly don’t know what crawled up her ass, and I’m not in any way trying to be insulting, but how can you take a friendship that lasted for years and do this… just leave someone hanging. Again, listen to the Nickelback “Lullaby” song.
By the way, I blasted that “Lullaby” song when it was fairly new and first came out when I first realized Ashley still lived here. I played it nice and loud hoping that she would hear (Nickelback is her favorite band). I feel like we’re missing out on so many experiences… I will be living my life and then suddenly she will pop into my mind… And I will remember for a second what it felt like to be alive with someone… I have felt alive plenty of times, on my own, with my Higher Power, but with Ashley, it was with someone… someone who understood me.
So I am feeling really depressed right now. Or maybe extremely “blah” is another word. I think that Ashley and her mother moved, or to be technical, Ashley’s mom, which means I won’t see Ashley anymore, and would explain why I haven’t seen Ashley for about 6 weeks. I saw her several times in January, and that’s about it. Did she move because of us? Her mother never like me because she thought I turned Ashley gay. She called me a “dyke” all the time. Anyway, Ashley knew we moved here because I had texted her, and she pretended as though her phone number was invalid. Funny, I called the number and it was her voicemail, and I know better.
At any rate, she has completely ignored me for maybe about a year now? I don’t understand… but I am more sad than anything, and I feel literally sick to my stomach now. I haven’t seen her mother’s car in about 2 weeks, or at least 2 weeks or so ago was when it was really brought to my attention. I am beginning to have regrets and think that maybe I should have put something on Ash’s car when she came to visit… “maybe I blew it?” Again I think…
The porch outside of her apt just looks plain… I’m not sure if anything has been removed or not, but something is definitely different. There are two plants outside and they look all dead and dried up and are moved/pushed forward, and the storage shed has a lock that is hanging on the latch open. Her welcome mat is still outside the door, but that doesn’t mean anything. I am sick to my stomach, and I am sad. I was really inspired knowing Ashley still lived here…
I had plans of getting all in shape and the hope of running into her at the pool. I really hate this shit. Excuse my language, but I literally feel sick to my stomach. I have never liked change, and this just blows. Any connection I even have remotely to Ashley is pretty much broken, too. Sarah is not talking to me though she agreed to add me to her friend’s list, Crystal (Ash’s ex, who I actually hooked her up with) flat-out deleted me off her friend’s list for no absolute reason what-so-ever on her birthday, Jen (Ash’s ex, the first one who she was with when Ash and I actually met) says she wants to hang out all the time but never does and seems embarrassed to be my friend (she flipped out about me sharing a picture that was public of her and some of our mutual friends being dorky).
I just don’t feel like I have any other gateway “in,” and yet, I have no idea why Ashley actually cut me out of her life, but it was out of nowhere, and feelings for one another have been mutual, and not changed the least bit, so it doesn’t make any sense.
I guess life is going to have to go on… now I am going to have to take (experience) a loss. I really hate this, and I wish so badly I could turn back the hands of time… I feel really depressed right now.
I feel alone, and all I want is to feel connected again… how am I going to get my inspiration back without her even close? I feel like it has officially ended now, and I am sick to my stomach.
Forget the fact that we just traded our car today and have a better car, more suitable for work purposes, I completely forgot. I don’t even want to walk anymore… outside… nothing. My last bit of hope has just been shattered.
When I look at pictures of my life, I think about how much of my life she has missed out on…
College days
I also believe in a large element of fate… I think that things happen when you let them… when you surrender (I know, this sounds like an abstract idea) what’s supposed to happen happens. Sometimes allowing yourself to let go of an outcome can be very difficult. I think we all want to control things in our lives to a certain degree, some more than others; for me, it’s very hard to surrender, but when I do, it’s a beautiful thing…
You know, something we don’t think about often is death. I keep getting the “10 of swords” and “5 of pentacles” is nearly all of my tarot readings. Tarot plays off ones subconscious and works via quantum physics similar to the law of attraction. The cards are not “evil” as some religious folks might believe – they are impressions in image-form. In other words, we think certain things and have a subconscious and the images reflect this subconscious domain.
Both of these cards are dis-favorable cards, and I have drawn them more times than I can count. The reality is my health is not in good shape and is compromised. My ear-node pain is getting worse. I have it in both ears, although the right side (also where my asymmetrical tonsil is located) is worse, and it gets so bad sometimes that it radiates to my upper jaw, causing a headache in back and front and then finally neck and shoulder pain. The ear-node pain is worse when I am stressed out and cold air makes it worse, however, the pain comes and goes at any time.
All other symptoms, ie: hair loss, joint pain in hand/fingers, weight gain (and loss), fatigue (extreme), dry/red/bloodshot eyes, hot/cold flashes, occasional night sweats, etc. are so trivial compared to the ear-node pain, which on a 1-5 scale is about a 4 most of the time, sometimes hitting a 3 and other times a whopping 5. I am too young to be having these kinds of issues. Whatever I have going on — this “viral” illness that I came down with either in August of 2008 or Fall of 2007 (I became extremely sick both times) has caused my thyroid to stop working and one thing after another (in my body) to shut down.
At any rate, I am concerned, and I am now thinking about what would happen if I died… ie, if what I have going on is serious, ie: cancer, a tumor, etc. The cards that have continually popped out are standing out. “Cards” aside, I have a health issue that is progressively getting worse and nobody knows what it is. One agency — IGENIX — a top lyme-testing lab in Palo Alto, CA, has diagnosed me with chronic lyme disease and yet the CDC (Center for Disease Control), which we all know has too “low” standards, states that I only meet 3 out of 5 criteria for lyme and so I would technically not have it. This in and of itself is a huge controversy within the lyme community.
Needless to say, I am thinking about existential matters. On my way home tonight from NJ after having ran errands and bought groceries I pondered, “What are the 12 things I would like to do before I die?” ie, if you found out you had 6 months to live, what would you do? So it has me thinking… and I know that sounds depressing, but lets be prepared for the worst-case scenario. What do I really have here? My things — they mean nothing; they will parish when I do. “What matters to me?” Death really makes you contemplate.
I cannot help but wonder how many people have had near-death experiences that have changed their lives. Will I have one? I can’t tell you how many psychics I’ve been to — trusted ones (my family used to go to one — Ms. Nancy Bowman) who have told me I will have a “cancer” scare — and “scare” or not, that may involve surgery, death, etc. At any rate, it makes you think — “What is ‘life’ (this thing I have not even begun to fully experience) all about?” “What will/would I like to do if I was going to die in 6 months and knew it?” “What things would (will) I have experienced?”
My first thought, or one of my first thoughts was “I wish I had money (I don’t have any savings or inheritance, what can I say?) I would give it to Ashley and to Jen’s little brother, Jessy.” I say this not because I think money has worth, but because I believe that it can get people somewhere — it can provide opportunity. I want to see little Jessy go to college; I have desired that from him since I first saw him, because he deserves it. At any rate, I do not have money, so what can I give? That brings me to say “What would I do?” ie, listing 10-12 things before my life runs out.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
How often and how many of us really think about this? At any minute any of us could come down with a terminal illness — what are the things (journal) that would want to do given your 6 months to live?
I had told Erin tonight that I would be happy just knowing that I have discovered my purpose – do you know how rare and precious of a gift that is, especially for someone my age? My purpose is to Serve — to be a vessel, a catalyst for others — to create opportunity and prosperity. I am interested in providing for myself, my future family, and the community — providing financial and educational opportunities. Maybe I would have never had a chance to live out that dream; however, I am grateful for having had the clarity to discover the purpose.
I discovered my purpose while in Vermont, which was the best (most life-enhancing) experience of my life. It really opened my eyes up, and I am thankful (gracious) to have experienced it. I met some wonderful people and for the first time in my life can say that I discovered “family.” We choose our family. Anothe thing, I discovered I had choice in Vermont, and I also found (for the most part) my Voice. I was able to express myself there for perhaps the first time and was encouraged to express myself and develop my potential. People (the community) supported me — my interests, well-being, etc.
I will have to think about how to answer this question. 10things…
I am psychologically enmeshed, and I have been involved with an entire family of narcissists. I am sure that there is a lesson in all of this, which will make itself known to me.
I lost my father when I was 19 and perhaps never quite recovered from the loss, because since, I have sought out the “security” of this loss through unhealthy relationships with addicted and psychologically disturbed individuals. They have sucked the life out of me, and now I am about to be free though I am dreading what’s on the other “side” — the “light” more than anything, and it’s as though I have forgotten what “life” tastes like.
I cannot believe that it has been 3 years that I have been involved with Erin. I also cannot believe that I allowed two other relationships to waste and take over (control) of my life prior to that. I have not been happy since 2006 and have sort of been in this downward spiral of attracting nutcases.
I guess I need to be alone and grieve the many important losses — ie, my father, in my life before this destructive pattern continues. I have hope for myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel virtually numb right now I am so much in shock. I am so lonely and sad… I feel in many ways on some level like I deserved to be treated this way, but I know that no one deserves it, and I didn’t cause it. I am sure I played a role and enabled at points, but I was not aware of it, and it still doesn’t make abuse on someone else’s part right.
I am not even going to ask for the support of anyone right now because of the tremendous guilt I feel right now. I feel, like usual, like this was my fault even though I know it wasn’t. It is hard to believe that someone can love you when they treat you in such a way. Erin would often say one thing and do another, and the things that she would say to me, ie: “Go fuck yourself,” “Go to hell,” “I will go and ‘fuck’ whoever I want,” etc. were beyond my comprehension.
I have made a very honest attempt to be honest, and I have changed and grown up a lot, and the truth is, I have just found myself in a very bad habit of destructive relationships, and I truly believe all of these — this pattern, to be linked to the unresolved grievance of my father.
On an errand Erin and I were making last night, while driving, and passing between some not-so-good neighborhoods, at night with only street-lights to light the way, I for some reason thought of Ashley. She crossed my mind, and I thought to myself, or rather felt — perhaps both, “I would be okay living in this ghetto (if I had to) as long as I had someone to love, someone who I knew cared, someone to compliment me, someone who shares my spirit, ie: Ashley.” Obviously, literally-speaking I do not want to live in a ghetto and never would, but I guess my point was that I could if I was happy in love. I could work every day of my life and just live for that… to go home to the woman I cherish.
I can’t describe the warmth I felt in my momentary “imagination,” driving in the dark after a huge fight with Erin where she’s calling me names — every name in the book. I cannot help but imagine the warmth, the care, concern, and support. I would die twice to have a woman who loved me, who was supportive of my interests, who’s respectful of me, and who shows the time.
You know, I told myself yesterday that I will be okay being with Erin, or someone like Erin, who does not have all of the same interests as me. That’s what friends are for, right? Hopefully I am not in denial by saying that. It is not always that I have clarity. In Vermont I had clarity 90% of the time, but here in the city I simply cannot hear the call. I am not grounded here and find it very hard to really sit still and listen.
I am trying to figure out what it is that I want to do work-wise in addition to coaching. I need to do something more because working solo isn’t cutting it for me. I would like to work for and with a business to help move things and get the ball rolling… I am interested in knowing what the vision and mission is and realigning things to meet it. I would like to be able to try out and experiment with different approaches to “make it happen.” I am interested in improving. I would like to work with the structure — to improve it and its efficiency and work directly with its people to train, educate, reward, etc. I am a systems — both persons and people person! I am wondering if business development may be of interest to me.
I am talking with an individual today at 1PM who knows all about this stuff and he’s going to give me some pointers — he is also a life coach and pretty credible. I too need to somehow establish some credibility — someway, somehow.
“I gotta get this ball rolling,” I tell myself. Life. Future. Family. Life for self and family. Educational opportunities. Travel. Culture. Experience(s). “There is a ‘life’ out there waiting for me,” I tell myself. “I will not let my sickness tear me down,” I tell myself.
“WE can do this — myself and my higher power.” God will help me.
This vision will become a success for me if I listen carefully (to guidance) and know when to surrender my ego (willpower).
Family, success, travel, education, opportunity. What I want for my family I need to be able to provide for myself. My community means a lot to me. My dreams, once fulfilled, will include the community at large.
Money flows. I do not need or want a lot, and I would like for it to always be moving. Energetically, flowing — in and out. I am interested in using it to create resources for others (and my family).
Build a plan. Will be myself (and family) a house. I am honored to be a part of other’s lives. Life itself is a precious gift. This is the way I look at life. I love with all of my heart. When I trust, it’s solid. Trust is huge — very important to me.
I work best self-employed. Cash flow, energy. Travel — opportunities. Growth. Challenge. Advancement, Career.
To take care of my family, to sacrifice. I want to die self-sacrificially — my family knowing I was happy, did my best, and died doing what I loved. She may not see it, but she soon will; she will always hold a special place in my heart.
Work, work, work, build, build, build… a tower. A fortress. Work/family/balance. Instill. Live. Donate. Change. Move energy. “I am strong enough,” says the self-dialog. Based upon truth. I was always honest with her.
Self-rescue mission. Mission NOT impossible. Mission is to live out plan. Vision. To carry out vision. To envision and carry out, step-by-step approach. To pursue, life-long jevity. I will be making a list of those I owe and including it in my “plan” to pay each and every one of them off.
I am interested in living a successful and abundant life, free where I can travel and create opportunity, to inspire, give hope and inspiration. To see. What others do not. My card, “17 The Star,” I am made, chosen to create. I have been chosen. I will give, selflessly of myself and my time, balancing resources and energy.
Family + Community mean the most to me. To thrive. To instill. To provide life — life is precious. Opportunities are like a squeezed lemon; do not waste them! Seize every opportunity in life that is beneficial and in line-accordance with your beliefs and vision for yourself and your future.
I’ve dreamed about this, Sixteen days away Now you’re here, And my head lays besides your body, Pillowed under mine You were poison, Spinning round my mind Welcome to my world She said, do you feel Alive she said It’s all a bad dream, Spinning in your lonely head, Welcome to my world, She said, separated world, She said, separated, Down poison, Down poison, Body withered, Body died, Time to take away this life Bad enough to die from one, Not to mention Four or five Welcome to my world She said, do you feel alive she said It’s all a bad dream, Spinning in your lonely head Welcome to my world she said, Separated world, She stayed separated Down poison, down poison Down poison, down You weren’t there for me, I was there for you You weren’t there for me, I was there for you You weren’t there for me, I was there for you You weren’t there for me, I was there for you You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve died for you You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve died for you You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve already died for you You wouldn’t die, you wouldn’t die, you wouldn’t die! Welcome to my world she said, do you feel alive she said It’s all a bad dream, Spinning in your lonely head Welcome to my world she said, Separated world, she stayed separated Down poison, down poison Down poison, down.
I woke up with this song playing in my head, so I’d like to share it…
“Open Up Your Eyes”
A single rose left to remember
As a single tear falls from her eye
Another cold day in December
A year from the day she said goodbye
Seems it’s only been a moment
Since the angels took him from her arms
And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow
But as they laid him in the ground
Her heart would sing without a sound
[Chorus:]
For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
And no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life
Just open up your eyes
A single lifetime lays behind her
As she draws her final breath
Just beyond the door he’ll find her
Taking her hand he softly says
[Chorus]
Just open up your eyes as I lay you down tonight
Safe on the other side, no more tears to cry
[Chorus]
After I awoke, and with this song running through my head, I could not fall back asleep, and I also could not stop thinking, or what might appear as “obsessing” (grief- stage 1) as I described it, about Erin and I’s relationship ending… I expressed my grief to Erin via text stating:
“I can’t sleep, am obsessing, and am tired today/I’m obsessing about our relationship ending and the reality setting in and starting this new chapter of my life. I feel like in many ways I’m still holding on… I am just scared/I’m afraid to take this next step… But I know I need to. Buying out time, trying to sort through my feelings… I don’t know what’s best for me because I’ve never had to do this… Afraid, because I’ve always had security. Just wanting to hold on/Can’t clear my mind fast enough sometimes, often; lately… Not at all, and don’t want it to come as a shock… where I’m here and then I’m gone and had no time to think, feel, or process. Where it just sneaks up and then I regret it. “How do we ever know if we’re making the right decision?”/Trying to make sense of it all. Don’t want it to hit me before I know it… I’m sick to my stomach because I feel like it’s all hitting me now and we’re prolonging it by being together.”
Erin’s response:
“I understand, I am too in a way. I do agree that we are prolonging the inevitable. This is going to end and it might hurt worse because of our actions/We’ve been in each others lives for so long the idea of you gone is something I can’t wrap my head around./I know it’s for the best but it still hurts and scares me. I don’t want to make a mistake and cut each other out of our lives.”
Response to Erin:
“I know, I can’t wrap my head around it, either… I feel like we’ll always be in each other’s life… I’m just not sure in which ways. A part of me, a big part, thinks it would be best if we just go our separate ways until we heal our broken hearts… And then if we get back together, meaning meet up again, we meet up, but there’s too much pain right now…This relationship hurts like a thorn in my side… Because it hurts to be close to you… and it has most of our relationship. The closer I get, the more you push me away… and that hurts me. I can’t take the push/pull cycle anymore…I mean, it hurts to be close to you, Erin… I never know when you’re going to walk out… you’ve threatened it so many times…” (she demanded I take her to Recycle North once after we had had a long day of errands, and I said “I promise I will take you tomorrow,” and she threw a fit and packed all of stuff impulsively with the intention of moving back to PA).
Erin stated:
“I understand completely. I don’t want to lose you forever but it’s in our best interest to be apart for a while.The sooner the better I think because we’re going to make it worse in the end/I understand em, and I’m sorry for making you feel that way. I think living our own separate lives now would be best. It would ease the initial shock and start the healing process. “
Summaries:
What I’m talking about in the first stanza, in the beginning, when I say, “And the ‘reality’ setting in…” I am referring to the reality that this (Erin and I’s “relationship”) is really over. We have been back and forth for so long, and on top of that, in close proximity, literally, that it’s been difficult to get any space, clarity, and/or closure. So the “reality” is, or (and) the fear is that it’s ultimately over… And yes, I know this needs to happen for our hearts to heal, but it’s scary… it’s new and scary.
In the second stanza when I say “…and I don’t want it to come as a shock,” ie: “Can’t clear my mind fast enough sometimes; often, lately… not at all. I just don’t want it to come as a ‘shock,'” once again I am referring to the break up, but particularly me leaving… physically, ie: going back to Vermont, or elsewhere. Just physically leaving. I don’t want the emotions to come on like a heatwave. In the next sentence, the”it” I’m referring to, ie: “Where ‘it’ just snuck up on me…” is the terrible grief… the “monster” in my closet. The “I don’t want to regret it” is the actual leaving…
When I say “Don’t want it to hit me before I know it,” part of me knows I’ve been avoiding it… there is some consciousness here. In the stanza where I say, “I can’t ‘make-believe,'” I am once again referring to this break-up and the pain I have experienced… In a lot of ways I think I’ve chosen to stay in this relationship because it’s easier to be in denial and in love with the fantasy, or the hope/belief that Erin will come around and be on mutual playing ground than to be not involved and disrespected. I am disrespected either way though because Erin does not love herself and has commitment issues, but “at least (this is my subconscious frame of mind) if I am in a relationship I can pretend (“make-believe”) that it’s okay.”
Song interpretation:
As far as the song interpretation, I am not sure exactly what it means, but it reminds me of another song, by Nickelback, called “Far away.” Far Away was (still is) one of my favorite songs, and the song Far Away actually initially reminded me of two women very close to me in my life… Jen and Ashley… but several months, maybe years (I believe) later did it occur to me that the song is actually referring to myself…
The song itself may actually be about a relationship that the lyricist experienced, but as I said, it wasn’t until years later that I realized the whole time the song was really about the “relationship” I had with my self. Very ironic, nevertheless surprising! At any rate, I feel like (this is the impression I sort of get) that this song by Daughtry, “Open up your eyes” may be about the relationship with myself.
The beginning of this song is very confusing because I don’t know (for me) if it’s a about a girl who reclaimed her life (me in this case), or if the song is referring to someone, ie: Erin. ie, “A single rose left to remember. As a single tear falls from her eye,” etc. Is this me crying? Is this me actually mourning my childhood, my father, or my actual self? Mind you, I lived in the shadow of my mother, and I essentially at some point or another abandoned my real self… so am I referring here to my own inner child, now in a woman’s body?
When I listen to the lyrics and read along I honestly almost get that impression, similar to the impression I got with the Nickelback song “Far Away” that this song is about me. And as I read these lyrics and listen to the song my mind goes back and forth trying between “Me” or “Erin,” ie: “Is it me or Erin?” I am trying to figure out what resonates and rings true for me. I just think it’s suprising the similarities between this song and the Nickelback song, and how with the Nickelback song I originally thought (And it very much was, in that time, and still is, but in an entirely different way) the song was about two women I deeply loved… I think this may be the same case, only I am coming to (and wanting) to love myself, so I think it can be seen metaphorically as a “rebirthing” process in a way.
The simple truth is, I may not know right now whether it’s more about me, or Erin, or even (this thought crossed my mind) my father’s death… This part actually made me think of my father and discovering him unconscious:
“Seems it’s only been a moment
Since the angels took him from her arms
And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow
But as they laid him in the ground
Her heart would sing without a sound”
I was thinking of my father because my father was so much a part of me… and losing him was like losing myself. The part that states “And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow” reminds me of both Erin and my father. It’s weird (but makes complete sense) how after my dad died I sought security outside in every which direction, but that’s another story! At any rate, the “as they laid him in the ground” takes me straight back to my father’s funeral.
When Daughtry begins to say “For the first time you can open your eyes…” “…And see the world without your sorrow
And no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life”
This is truly like a new chapter of my life. I literally think of a book, and it’s “part II” and brand new. What this is saying to me is that I can “leave the ‘pain’ behind,” ie: I can choose to live. I don’t have to be defined by my pain. “Welcome to the first day of your life” is saying this is a new chapter of my life.
When Daughtry says:
“A single lifetime lays behind her
As she draws her final breath
Just beyond the door he’ll find her
Taking her hand he softly says”
For me, “A single lifetime lays behind her” is describing my past. The “As she draws her final breath,” is about being shock and saying goodbye, physically and emotionally… “Just beyond the door he’ll find her” is about me walking away and fighting it… it’s consciously about me not wanting to say goodbye to Erin, but subconsciously it’s about me not wanting to be with myself. “Taking her hand he softly says…” is about me letting go of Erin (At this point, grief-wise, I have not yet come to stage 5 “Acceptance;” I am still very much in denial and in the midst of grief) and her hand because she (a part of me) has finally “died.”
And then the chorus repeats, stating…
“For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
And no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life
Just open up your eyes…”
For me, this is all about a choice. We have a choice on how we choose to live our lives… this is a new way of celebrating and looking at things… we can either continue to hold onto the past or we can choose to live.
Daughtry then says “Just open up your eyes as I lay you down tonight
Safe on the other side, no more tears to cry”
“…as I lay you down tonight” is about bringing peace to my mind-body-soul; more than anything, mind-heart. And then “Safe on the other side, no more tears to cry,” particularly “…no more tears to cry” is about the hurt stopping… it’s about knowing somewhere inside that I’ve made the right decision and I’m in a much better place.
Where you go from here, I’m not sure, but I guess that’s the beauty in life… you discover it. “Life’s a mystery”
My question now is, “How do you say goodbye to the only ‘friends’ you’ve ever known?” Your ex’s have been a representation of you… parts of yourself you’ve repressed… if they’re addicted, maybe you’re addicted? ie, to avoiding your pain (grief & sorrow). How do you part with those pieces/persons? The pieces… these parts of ourselves, our grief… past baggage, and are literally (pain-wise) like losing a limb…
How do you “catapult” into this new life and not feel guilty about it? …guilty for “abandoning” them, though you’ve really abandoned yourself? How do you separate them from you? Simply put, how do we put the past behind us and grieve when so many of these people have been a part of us… heavily ingrained.
It’s just like drugs… when drugs have been a part of someone’s life for so long, how do they part with it and make sense of the present and future? How do they integrate, re-integrate, or re-learn a whole new world view? I guess I just want to understand the trauma I have endured and build a “brand new me.” I want to feel whole, healthy, and alive again…
I think that honestly losing someone when you’ve experienced as much trauma as I have can be compared to losing a limb… and the abuse that I endured emotionally, verbally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually can be compared to a “combat zone.” I honestly feel (and relate) very much to veterans who have been involved in combat. My mind, body, psyche, soul, everything was literally in this “shock,” fear, panic, etc… everything that a veteran has associated themselves with.
I really relate to Evan’s Blue… the old Evan’s Blue with Kevin Matisyn… Kevin’s lyrics, music, melody, etc. reminds me entirely of someone who has been “emotionally battered,” or traumatized…
In all of Kevin’s lyrics there are overtones and overlays of extreme, excruciating pain… longing, agony, beauty, bitterness, bitter-sweet, desiring, hoping, wishing… just being a child and cut off. There is much pain there. His albums are beautiful yet hopeful. They are his process of healing. At any rate, I relate to this man.
I think that we can all heal from our pasts, it’s just about moving through the pain.
Update (1 hour later): Release, but still holding tight…
Erin and I were conversing today via text about separating… we merely spoke of it, but never actualized anything. After writing this entry, I initiated a break up. I honestly hope (I feel it should be) this is our last and final breakup. I have now engaged in the push/pull cycle with Erin… for 2 years she was push/pull with me, and progressively worse over the last 6 months… and I was push/pull with her once, this past week… now I am through. I want to be over this. I also must be very careful with how I talk to myself in terms of my grief and healing process, ie: “I want to be ‘over’ this” is like telling my body, “It’s not okay to feel,” and it is okay to feel. I need to feel.
Erin stated that we should physically space apart… and I disagree, only because it was hard enough initiating this breakup and making the breakup final… not to mention, I spent two years “apart,” both physically and emotionally… obviously more emotionally, but I still spent enough time physically apart because Erin would work herself to death and use work (and other things, ie: porn, food, computer, online gaming, fantasy, etc.) as a distraction.
To say the least, I am still resentful about us not having spent enough time together because she was more absorbed in her own interests. I do not want to re-traumatize myself so-to-speak by “spacing out.” I told her the main thing right now is to just not kiss… that that’s a major step… which should not be a problem since we’re not together. For me it wasn’t a problem before; for Erin it was… Erin has poor impulse control, and when she’s around me she always wants to kiss me… I did not have a problem not kissing her because I guess I knew that it was not logical to kiss and not be together, so I didn’t.
The truth is though I can’t stay here forever… and Erin and I need space. We need to heal. I need to grieve. I cannot tolerate being around her because it hurts me… even as friends… even when we’re not together her actions hurt me. Likely because I have not been able to grieve yet. I also don’t like how dirty the house is here… and as I’ve said before, her dad isn’t willing to clean or hire a cleaner… I could always hire a cleaner myself if I can get his permission, however I don’t feel I will ever be able to properly grieve while living here… Erin said at one point that she would consider moving out and back into her mom’s house, and I could stay with her dad if worse came to worse… that I could continue paying him rent and have the “whole upstairs” to myself, and I would strictly be a tenant, but even back then when she said this I remember a distinct feeling of dread, in that 1. That would be very awkward (to be living with an ex gf’s parent… Umm… yeah), and 2. I would still see Erin and have reminders of her, and I would not be able to handle wondering if she’s dating someone else…
With that being said, I (we) really need distance from each other. It would torture me seeing her every now and then, and I feel it would just prologue the grief… even living with her dad! …I would still hear about her, and from her! …and besides that, it is just downright awkward! I mean, I appreciate the thought… I really do… but yeah, I don’t think that would be a good situation… not right now anyway… maybe later on. Maybe in a couple of years if I need a roommate… I’m sure he might consider letting me rent out the top floor for a little more and just being my own, independent person, and experiencing the city… but yeah, I won’t start future tripping :P
As of right now, that does not sound appealing to me at all, and I would really like to become financially stable… I am young, and I am heavily in debt due to my student loans. I just want to build a life for myself… a strong, sturdy foundation… I just need to figure out the whole “work” situation, and my time is quickly running out… I honestly (clearly) do not know what I want (need) for myself right now.
I need clarity.
Erin’s response:“I understand, I am too in a way. I do agree that we are prolonging the inevitable. This is going to end and it might hurt worse because of our actions. I’m scared to be without you in what ways? We’ve been in each others lives for so long the idea of you gone is something I can’t wrap my head around.”I then stated to Erin, “I know, I can’t wrap my head around it, either…” I said, “It scares me too… and I feel like we’ll always be in each other’s life… I’m just not sure in what ways. A part of me, a big part thinks it would be best if we just go our separate ways until we heal our broken hearts… And then if we get back together, meaning meet up again, we meet up, but there’s too much pain right now…”
Erin states, “I know it’s for the best but it still hurts and scares me. I don’t want to make a mistake and cut each other out of our lives. I don’t want to lose you forever but it’s in our best interest to be apart for a while.The sooner the better I think because we’re going to make it worse in the end.”Still expressing my feelings, I said to Erin, “This relationship hurts like a thorn in my side… Because it hurts to be close to you… and it has most of our relationship. The closer I get, the more you push me away… and that hurts me. I can’t take the cycle anymore and make believe…”
In the stanza where I say, “I can’t ‘make believe,'” I am once again referring to this break-up and the pain I have experienced… In a lot of ways I think I’ve chosen to stay in this relationship because it’s easier to be in denial and in love with the fantasy, or the hope/belief that Erin will come around and be on mutual playing ground than to be not involved and disrespected. I am disrespected either way though because Erin does not love herself and has commitment issues, but “at least (this is my subconscious train of thought) if I am in a relationship I can pretend (“make believe”) that it’s okay.”
I stated, “I mean, it hurts to be close to you, Erin… I don’t know when you’re going to walk out.”
Erin stated, “I understand em, and I’m sorry for making you feel that way. I think living our own separate lives now would be best. It would ease the initial shock and start the healing process. “
AUTHOR - PSYCHIC - SPEAKER - COACH 